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32Quotes from ‘No Small Feet’

Modern Family: No Small Feet

910. No Small Feet

Aired December 13, 2017

After Pritchett's Closets is nominated for a prestigious award under Claire's leadership, Jay is put out that his contributions aren't being recognized. When Pam's ex-boyfriend, Bo, shows up, Mitchell senses an opportunity to get Pam out of the house. Meanwhile, Phil turns to Gloria when a superstitious home buyer is worried about a negative energy in the property, and Luke and Alex land on their feet with a successful new online venture.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Explain yourself.
Luke: I'm taking photos of your feet for perverts.
Alex: Ew!
Luke: Hear me out. Remember when you couldn't return those sneakers you bought and asked me to sell them online? Right after I listed them, I got a message asking if they'd been worn and sweat in. Before I could lie and say no, I got another message. "Can I see your feet?" Apparently, there are a ton of these feet freaks on the Internet.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Personally, I don't believe in any of that evil-spirit mumbo jumbo. As a magician, I've learned that every spooky happening has a perfectly reasonable explanation. Even the eeriest of illusions, Satan's Elevator, is really just two mirrors and a tiny... Nice try.

Quote from Gloria

Phil: Oh, this is Gloria. She'll be addressing your concerns.
Mrs. Graham: Nice to meet you. I instantly trust you. Why is that? Oh, I got it. We were once cats together. I joke! I'm not that crazy. [Phil laughs nervously] Now, tell me about the ghost.
Gloria: Well, in these suburban cases, it's usually a low-level haunting, like a dead unpaid gardener, a dead jealous boyfriend, a dead dog who left something unfetched.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [on video] 1946. An iron curtain was descending over Europe. But in Youngstown, Ohio, a child is born. While young Jay Pritchett was superstar athlete, he was also an artist who dreamed of revolutionizing an industry closets.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: He just couldn't let me have my day. He had to make it all about him. It was disgusting. Although the scene of him playing his father denying him a startup loan? Surprisingly powerful.
[back:]
Jay: [on video] While America was doing the Hustle, Jay as hustling to build an empire, which is why one newspaper called him "the hardest working man in closets."
[aside to camera:]
Claire: That was an ad.
[back:]
Jay: [on video] Who would've thought the company, built by that little boy, would one day be the toast of the international closet world? Congratulations. We did it.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] When Phil told me about this house, I offered to help. Now that Manny's away at college and Joe goes to kindergarten, I have time for one of my old hobbies confronting the devil in all his forms.
[flashback:]
Gloria: I have everything I need: sage, a spoon from the Vatican cafeteria, my maracas.

Quote from Cameron

Pam: I'm not going down there, Cam. I don't trust myself around him. I see that face, I hear that voice, I go all gooey.
Cameron: You're preaching to the gay man's choir, here. But you have to decide for yourself, and you need to keep a clear head. You know what? All right. So, here's a trick that I used when I was coming of age. So, I had a little bit of a self-control problem, and I would put a rubber band around my wrist and flick it every time I got the urge to flick it.
Pam: Ew! You used to snap one of those like crazy whenever we watched "Dukes of Hazzard."
Cameron: Yeah. I got through all seven seasons, zero incidents.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Oh, my God, did you write this?
Luke: "My little piggies got so sweaty." Sexy, right?
Alex: No. No, it's gross!
Luke: That pair of sneakers went for over $200.
Alex: I have more in my closet.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Son of a bitch, we did it! We did it! Manny, I appreciate you coming from college for this moment.
Manny: Yeah. Something like this only happens once in a wee- year- lifetime?
Jay: If that!
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I'm accustomed to certain creature comforts that are hard to come by at school, so I've been stopping home to borrow things.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] And then she left the door open, and poor Larry got out and got in a fight with a possum. Now we have to give him antibiotics every day at noon, which he hates.
Cameron: On the positive side, we've both been coming home at lunch because it's a two-man job, as it what we've also been enjoying on our little lunch break...
[flashback:]
Cameron: You look really cute in that suit.
Mitchell: You look really cute in those gym shorts.
[back:]
Cameron: Only eight more days of cat antibiotics.
Mitchell: Say "antibiotics" one more time.
Cameron: Antibiotics.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Uh, no Velcro. Our brand is a little more upscale. Uh-oh. Another buyer is tired of seeing the same feet.
Alex: Oh, it's my fault now? What's he doing to keep things interesting? Why do I care?
[cut to Alex shaving Luke's legs in the bathroom:]
Alex: I'm surprised you were open to this.
Luke: I'm surprised you know how to do this. Don't forget, we have to get over to mom's work to ship shoes later.
Alex: Wait a second, you're using Mom's FedEx?
Luke: Every time she and Dad have a fancy night out, she uses the hashtag "Luke's college fund." So, yeah, I'm using her account.

Quote from Phil

Phil: If if I could give you one tiny note? Mrs. Graham's terror level, which should be going down, is actually going up.
Gloria: Mine too. Actually, I'm panicking right now! I can't believe what I'm sensing right now! There is like, a humming sound, vibrations, fear!
Phil: I'm pretty sure that's all coming off of me, because I'm about to lose a sale I really need. How about this? Just just spin it a little.
Gloria: What are you asking me to do?
Phil: In real estate, there are no dumps. There are fixer-uppers. A small house is cozy. How do we know this presence is bad? What about Casper? Or the Holy Ghost? People love those guys.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Do not look at him. He is a siren. He draws you in with those big beautiful blue eyes, and the next thing you know, you're giving him your great-grandfather's Civil War bayonet and he's selling it for Magic Beans. It's the brand of whiskey he drinks.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Excuse me, everyone! As founder of this company, which I built with my own sweat and tears, I'd like to say a few words. Before going into the future, it's important we honor how we got here. So I put together a little presentation.
Claire: Dad, we're having ice cream.
Jay: They can lick and watch.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: This wall is warm, Phil. It's radiating evil.
Phil: It is not radiating evil- Oh, that is warm. Oh!
Gloria: What was that? Faulty wiring, Phil?!
Phil: How dare you? I would never sell a house with faulty wiring! You can hear that, right?
Gloria: [whispering] You made them angry.
Phil: I don't believe in any of this! But just in case... [throws water] What is this? Holy water?
Gloria: No. Cucumber water. You think this skin just happens?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Ahhh, your mother called you about the screening of my film.
Manny: Uh...
Jay: She blew us off, some lame excuse about being attacked by bees. Oh what the hell, let's start. What are you doing over there?
Manny: What are you doing up there? Is that you with Lady Bird Johnson?
Jay: Sure is. I was Closet Magazine's "Movers and Groovers to Watch." She did the keynote, complimented my mustache. Heady times.
Manny: What's with all that news footage?
Jay: Well, historical context is important. Post-Watergate, people wanted transparency, hence the glass closet. Now, let me explain why my shirt is off in the next shot.

Quote from Luke

Alex: [aside to camera] That was three weeks ago, and we have made a ton of money since. All I have to do is wear a different shoe every day.
Luke: [sniffs Alex's sneaker] Hitting all of the right notes. Ship it.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] My new real-estate company is this close to its first sale. A sale we really need! Not just to prove my old partners wrong, but also to pay the bills. Unfortunately, my client has developed a case of cold feet.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Oh, here she is! Mrs. Graham, looking well! How are those peptides doing?
Mrs. Graham: Ooh, terrific! My shaman realigned them.
Phil: And I got the last everything bagel, so I guess we both got off to a great start today.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Be the change you want to see in the world
Jay: I got here as soon as I could!
Man: Shh!
Claire: In some ways, the words of Gandhi are truer today than ever before. The world is taking notice of the Aurora walk-in, which is blurring the line between storage and sanctuary. [applause] I want to take a moment to celebrate our rock, our foundation, someone to whom we owe a very special debt... Josie.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Rock? Foundation? Josie? Who is that?!
[back:]
Claire: And to thank you all for your amazing accomplishments, I have got an ice-cream cart coming in this afternoon!

Quote from Jay

Jay: I.T. guy, I need your help.
Man: Cigar ash in your keyboard again?
Jay: Something bigger. But, yeah, bring that little vacuum.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] My sister Pam came to stay with us for a couple weeks.
Mitchell: A year ago. In the unit upstairs which we used to rent for money, which we need to pay for everybody in the unit downstairs.
Cameron: We had no choice. She was pregnant. The father, Bo, was in jail, and she happens to be my best friend.
Mitchell: Yeah, yeah, like Tom and Jerry are best friends.

Quote from Mitchell

Bo: Well, if you don't mind, actually, I'd like to come in? Uh, I got to see man about a horse.
Mitchell: But we don't have
Bo: That's a classy way of saying I got to make my bladder gladder. Bathroom!
Mitchell: Uh, yes... Uh, end of the hall on on the right. Yep. Oh, and the Teen Vogues are our daughter's! We don't even know who Demi Lovato is!

Quote from Phil

Mrs. Graham: Is there something you're not telling me about this house? I am kind of getting a murdery vibe.
Phil: The only killing that's ever gonna happen in this house is the one that's gonna happen when you sell the place. [chuckles]
Gloria: Laughter makes the spirits hungry, Phil!
Mrs. Graham: Spirits? You means there's more than one?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I just I think he deserves a second chance.
Cameron: Why do you suddenly care so much if Pam and Bo are back together?
Mitchell: I'm a divorce lawyer, Cam. I see families torn apart all the time. The emotional cost is just too high.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: The cost of everything is too high! Look, Pam made her bed. Now she needs to get out of it so I can flip the mattress to make some money off of it. Sounded more pimpy than I intended.

Quote from Cameron

Bo: I couldn't help but overhear, since we're practically in the same room and you ain't exactly whispering Can I say something on my behalf?
Cameron: No, you may not! Because if you cared about my sister, you would've been here the moment baby Calhoun was born!
Bo: I know, but when I got out of jail for punching that police horse, I discovered my truck had been towed. I had to sell my plasma for cash.
Mitchell: He thinks of others. Very noble.
Cameron: All I'm hearing is no car, no money, compromised immune system. What a great role model. And yes, he could be a model, but I will not be distracted by those beautiful big blue eyes.

Quote from Mitchell

Bo: Cam, I get it, all right? I made a lot of mistakes. But like my plasma, I decided to "B-positive." I hitchhiked, I took odd jobs, whatever I could do to get here. I mean, Pam, our boy Calhoun, they're my family. Hell, you're my family.
Cameron: Okay, I want to believe you, Bo, but, yeah, I just yeah, I've been burned too many times.
Bo: About that I got something to show you. [bag unzips]
Cameron: [gasps]
Bo: Old Stonewall Tucker would've wanted you to have this back.
Mitchell: Oh, Stonewall. I'm guessing his statue's no longer in the park.

Quote from Pam

Pam: What the hell is he doing here?!
Cameron: Now, Pameron, Bo came back for you and baby Calhoun!
Mitchell: Yeah, just just give him a chance, okay?
Bo: Oh, my gosh. Is this him? Is is that my boy?
Pam: No. This is my car and I have a little tiny driver. Of course it's him! You stay away from us, Beauregard Lavern Johnson! And stop undressing me with your devil blue eyes!

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Something's in this wall, Phil.
Phil: No, I am done with this nonsense!
Gloria: I can't believe I'm hearing this from a person that believes in magic!
Phil: I'm not the one who told you this, but magic isn't actually magic. That didn't come from your ear.
Gloria: What? How? [seeing "What? How" on Phil's card] You're with them.
Phil: There is no "them," Gloria. Everybody says "What? How?" to that trick. That's how magic works. Things that seem supernatural actually have a perfectly logical explanation.

Quote from Jay

Claire: So, that was a fun movie, Dad. Kind of made it all about you, though.
Jay: Nonsense. Try a Jay-tini.

Quote from Luke

Claire: What do you two think you're doing?
Alex: Oh, uh... We just came to congratulate you on that thing that happened.
Claire: Try again.
Luke: Fine. But there's no nice way to say this. I started a company selling Alex's disgusting, smelly shoes to feet freaks.

Quote from Alex

Claire: Wow, that is so gross!
Jay: More like gutsy. You got to get your hands dirty to build a company from the ground up. I'm proud of you, Luke.
Alex: Uh, hold on. It was my idea to start buying thrift-store shoes. I expanded the business and doubled our profits.
Claire: You see what Alex did? She grew the business. She took it to the next level. She was able to achieve what Luke couldn't despite years of trying.
Luke: It's really only been a few-
Jay: You can't grow what doesn't exist!
Alex: Okay. Well, they're on their thing now. Just walk away.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Do you know how long I've been with this company? Seven presidents.
Claire: And four popes. Yes, Dad, I saw the movie.


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