Jay: [aside to camera] David Soul played Hutch in "Starsky and Hutch." Now, one of my groovier closet ideas was a hutch for your skis that latched onto the end of your closet. I called it the "Storeski End Hutch." David Soul gave me a signed picture. Well, one day, the picture disappears and Earl plays innocent. But the whole time, he's had it. Ironically, this would've been a great episode in "Starsky and Hutch."

Jay: This is mine! I'm the one who came up with "Storeski End Hutch." Just like I came up with the "Dr. Quinn Medicine Cabinet." You were the hack! I was the visionary!

Mitchell: Phil, are you okay?
Phil: I'm fine. Yeah. Hey, you know what the Beaver said when he slipped in water?
Mitchell: Damn it?
Phil: Damn it.

Luke: Great. The karaoke machine. Thanks, Uncle Mitch.
Mitchell: It's Cam's, and he loves it. He's never more than two glasses of wine away from treating us all to an impromptu concert. It's 100 bucks if you break it.
Luke: Really?
Mitchell: Do you want more?

Phil: Who's America's favorite TV mom?
Claire: Could it be June Cleaver?
Phil: That must make me the Beaver. I can't hear too well. How hard is Luke laughing?

Gloria: Jay, as a Catholic, I do not feel right about this.
Jay: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. It's the perfect family costume.
Gloria: It doesn't even make sense. Joe should be the Jesus.
Joe: Yeah!
Jay: "Joe" short for "Joseph." "Jay" short for "Jaysus." It's the only way it makes sense.
Gloria: But he's the child.
Jay: You're overthinking it.

Manny: There's going to be a million people at Luke's. He's not going to care whether or not I attend.
Gloria: Manny, is this because Luke beat you for class president? Why can't you get over this devastating humiliation?
Manny: Because something keeps me reminding me. But it has nothing to do with that. Sophie Chambers is throwing a party with a much more sophisticated crow-
Jay: You're not going to any party thrown by any member of that crooked Earl Chambers family. That bastard stole my closet company right out from under me!
Gloria: No, no, no, no, no. Don't say the word "bastard" when you're dressed like Jesus! And you, never turn your back on family. My cousin Gomez skipped my other cousin Gomez's party, and my cousin Gomez felt completely stabbed in the back.
Manny: Because he-
Gloria: Because he was.

Lily: How much candy do we have to hand out before I go trick-or-treating? Can't I just take a knife and go by myself?
Mitchell: No!
Lily: No one would mess with me. [clicks fingers]
Mitchell: I told you she was too young for "West Side Story."

Cameron: You know what, Mitchell? That same little jerk grabs a handful of candy every year. He's my Halloween nemesis. There is a social contract. You say "trick or treat," you get one piece of candy. That breaks down, we're just a hop, skip, and a jump to a lawless wasteland where we use beads and teeth for money!

Jay: [on the phone] Steal that picture!
Manny: But what about the fish?
Jay: Forget the fish!
Manny: Oh, so, for no reason, I've just been carrying around this red herring?