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41Quotes from ‘Patriot Games’

Modern Family: Patriot Games

622. Patriot Games

Aired May 6, 2015

Alex can't believe it when the school announces that she will be co-Valedictorian with her academic rival Sanjay. As Gloria studies for her upcoming U.S. citizenship test, a visit from Javier has her questioning whether she's giving up her Colombian heritage. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron feel shamed by their gay friends for not being politically active, so they agree to join a protest against a local restaurant without knowing the reason behind the boycott.

Quote from Manny

Manny: But you also shouldn't worry about what Dad thinks. I think you should become a citizen because even back when we were alone in our apartment this is what you always wanted.
Gloria: Remember sitting by the window, watching reruns of Miami Vice on the neighbor's TV and all the bad guys were caught and all the policemen had all those nice cars?
Manny: We used to watch that and think what an amazing country this was.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: Did a little research. If Mom isn't a citizen when Jay "moves on to a better place" we could be looking at a pretty hefty estate tax. I don't wanna sound insensitive but I have acquired a real taste for truffles.

Quote from Claire

Nina: May the best child win.
Phil: Oh, she will. Consider this moment gauntleted. Is that a word?
Claire: Hold your head up like it is. Vocabulary is mostly a matter of confidence.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria's about to take her citizenship test. This little jumping bean is about to become an American.
Gloria: Jumping beans are Mexican.
Jay: Once you're an American you won't see the difference.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I'm so excited. Do you know that once I pass, I can serve on a jury? They still use the electric chair, right?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Javier got to you, didn't he?
Gloria: No. Maybe a little bit.
Jay: Gloria, don't listen to him. Get rid of that squirrel stew. I got a few special things here to help celebrate you becoming an American. Look. Kobe steaks. Bottle of scotch. Cigars.
Gloria: You know that none of that is made in America.
Jay: Buying them all was the American part.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Doesn't the timing seem a little suspicious to you?
Alex: Maybe, but he seemed really genuine.
Phil: Classic psychological warfare. I've dealt with it in elite competitions. I didn't realize it happened outside of cheerleading.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: We're just trying to make it in this world raise our daughter, get her to her soccer game.
Jotham: Not Youth Soccer Federation. Because if it's Youth Soccer Federation I don't wanna know.
Mitchell: Oh, my God! You know what? Sh-Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame on you. You are no better than the people in that restaurant. Come on, Cam. Let's go. Come on. Think they bought it?
Cameron: Keep your head up. Don't look back. Being right is mostly confidence.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, Lily. I got the list of what you need for your project. Uh, glitter glue, glitter dots, glitter paper.
Lily: Mrs. Daniels says my projects have too much glitter.
Cameron: Okay, well, she needs a Mr. Daniels because a project can't have too much pizzazz.
Mitchell: It's a report on the potato famine.
Cameron: I'm- I'm sorry. Do Irish tears not sparkle?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] All we know is the Jai Alai Lounge has the single best burger in the country if not the universe.
Mitchell: The Jai Alai burger is one-fourth pound-
Cameron: One-third.
Mitchell: Prime Angus fresh, crispy lettuce
Cameron: Butter lettuce.
Mitchell: A sauce delivered from heaven
Cameron: From Kansas City.
Mitchell: All on a perfectly toasted fresh-baked bun.
Cameron: With sesame seeds. I wanted to have it as our wedding cake.
Mitchell: Maybe for your next one.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] We were called into Principal Brown's office one week before Alex's graduation.
Phil: That can mean only one of two things. Either she's gonna be valedictorian or they're giving an award for sexiest dad.
Claire: We're very proud of Alex.

Quote from Phil

Phil: What is it with these two?
Nina: I agree with them. Ties are un-American. Would you be happy if the Super Bowl ended in a tie?
Phil: Yes! There'd be twice as many parades.

Quote from Cameron

Vish There must be some way to determine who the best student is.
Principal Brown: Unfortunately, all the final exams and the papers are in. Grades are closed.
Alex: Not all the grades.
[cut to:]
Cameron: [spins around] Well, well, well. Looks like the janitor finally fixed my chair.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: What are the last two states to be admitted into the Union?
Gloria: Alaska and Hawaii.
Jay: Name two cabinet-level positions.
Gloria: That's easy. There's a higher one for the glasses and a lower one for the pots and the pans.
Jay: Hey, don't get cocky. When we started studying for this you thought the secretary of defense job was to guard "da fence."

Quote from Jay

Javier: Cow? Cow? The woman who's abandoning her country cannot remember the Spanish word for "cow."
Gloria: It slipped my mind!
Jay: Vaca. There's a taco truck parked outside my office.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Longinus and Jotham do this all the time. They- They guilt us into doing something and then they bail.
Cameron: They did it at Pepper's New Year's Steve party.
Mitchell: Yeah, everybody had to dress as a famous Steve.
Cameron: Steve Austin.
Mitchell: Steve Martin.
Cameron: They bailed, and we got stuck in a room full of Sondheims.
Mitchell: [singsong] How are you doing? My name is Steve.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Oh, my God. What is wrong with me? I can't believe I let him get in my head. Oh, he is going down. Tomorrow, Sanjay Patel begins a lifetime of second best. Enjoy your Hydrox cookies and your silver medal, Mr. Vice President!

Quote from Cameron

Waitress: Mr. Pritchett, you forgot your cell phone inside.
Mitchell: Thank you. See, uh, before you guys got here, we went in there and we demanded a refund for our gift cards.
Cameron: Yes, we went into the belly of the beast.
Mitchell: Yes, we did.
Waiter: Sir, you forgot your food to go.
Cameron: Thank you.
Jotham: And fed your bellies.
Longinus: How could you?
Cameron: Okay, before you get all superior we hadn't eaten since breakfast.
Longinus: It's a quarter to 1:00.
Cameron: That's what I'm saying.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Look, complaining about a line at an airport is easier than admitting the truth about why I want you to become a citizen. I guess it still bothers me that you have all these ties to Javier.
G;What ties? What are you talking about?
Jay: Gloria Delgado-Pritchett. You still have his last name. You're both Colombians. When you and I come back to the country we have to wait in separate lines like we're not even in the same family. I don't know. I guess I just thought that if you committed to America in some weird way, you'd be recommitting to me. That's the longest you've ever been quiet, and it's terrifying.

Quote from Gloria

Jackie: The United States government has how many branches?
Gloria: Three.
Jackie: Correct. What color are the stars on the American flag?
Gloria: White, but I feel like it's my duty to tell you that you have a flag right behind you so probably you need to ask me another question.
Jackie: No need. Congratulations. You passed.
Gloria: What? That's it? Two questions? And I have a cheat flag? That's all it takes?
Jackie: Yep. You'll get an official letter in the mail with the details of your oath ceremony.
Gloria: Do you know how long I've been studying for this? You're robbing me of the feeling of achievement. Ask me another question, and a hard one this time.
Jackie: But you already passed-
Gloria: Do it.
Jackie: Okay. How many members of Congress are there?
Gloria: You know what? It's too late. You already said that I passed.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: So who's this "we" that's picketing?
Longinus: Every week a group of us get together to protest those who have been holding back the gay cause.
Cameron: Why haven't we ever been invited?
Jotham: You're not that political.
Longinus: You know, ever since- [points to Lily]
Lily: He knows I can see, right?

Quote from Longinus

Mitchell: We are very political people.
Cameron: We were just discussing the potato famine of Ireland.
Mitchell: Yes.
Longinus: I haven't had a potato in four years.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, my God. Can you believe that?
Cameron: Yeah, he's a little hippy for somebody that doesn't eat potatoes.

Quote from Alex

Sanjay: What do you mean, co-valedictorians?
Alex: "Co" is the Latin prefix for "together." But really, what do you mean, co-valedictorians?
Principal Brown: I thought there might be some aggressive questions that, uh, made me nervous and so I wrote down my remarks. Uh... "No, I'm not trying to ruin your lives. It's just that your GPAs are tied to the thousandth of a decimal point."

Quote from Javier

Gloria: Hola, Javier.
Jay: How was Take Your Son To Not Work Day?
Javier: How was life before radio?

Quote from Gloria

Javier: Manny told me about your plans to abandon your Colombian roots.
Gloria: Really? You're going to lecture me on abandonment? You left to buy some diapers, and I saw you four years later.
Javier: If only you could let that go as easily as your homeland.

Quote from Alex

Cameron: Well, it looks like you both have the same gym grade but I do see here that neither of you have completed this semester's mile run.
Alex: We were at a debate tournament.
Sanjay: Which we won, thanks to me.
Alex: Oh, please. After your long-winded summation on euthanasia people wanted to kill themselves.

Quote from Phil

Phil: This is crazy. Are we all so obsessed with being number one that we can't just celebrate this moment?
Claire: Yeah, I mean, it's the end of their senior year. They're both into great colleges. They should be off celebrating, playing hooky going up to the lake house to go skinny-dipping with their friend's older brother who's home from college.
Phil: Let's- Let's keep this general, Claire.

Quote from Phil

Vish: Every parent wants to believe that their child can compete with Sanjay.
Claire: But Alex can compete with Sanjay. That's why we're here.
Nina: Sanjay was forming full sentences at 13 months.
Claire: Alex had a poem published in Highlights magazine when she was five years old.
Phil: It was called "Mr. Lamb Buys a Ham" but really it was about the Holocaust.
Vish: When he was 16, Sanjay was the highest-ranked chess player in the state.
Phil: When Alex was 15, she discovered a mistake in our taxes. We owed a lot more money than I realized.

Quote from Cameron

Claire: Let's settle this out on the track.
Principal Brown: All right. Coach Tucker, I'm assuming we can count on you to officiate.
Cameron: Well, now, normally I don't like to be the center of attention.
Principal Brown: That's fine. I'll get someone else.
Cameron: I said I would do it.

Quote from Cameron

Nina: Alex's uncle cannot possibly be considered an impartial judge.
Cameron: I'm the gym teacher. Who else has the training to oversee this?
Principal Brown: Anyone with a stopwatch?
Cameron: Okay, you know what? No need to humiliate me.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay. Where is everybody? [scoffs] So like the gays to no-show.
Cameron: Yeah, right? Is there a sale at Barneys that nobody told us about? [both chuckle]
Mitchell: Seriously, is there?
Cameron: I don't know.

Quote from Alex

Phil: Oh, my God. She's still going.
Claire: I know. Remember how winded she used to get hauling around Ulysses in the third grade?
Phil: She's surprisingly graceful for being so uncoordinated.
Luke: I know. I was hoping to get a funny video of her falling. But I don't think it's going to happen.
Alex: My playlist ended two minutes ago. I heard all that.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay, I'm not in the mood. I'm having some doubts.
Jay: Okay, you listened to Javier, now listen to me. Do you know why I want you to become an American citizen? Because I fought for this country. My father fought for this country. Because this country is all about freedom and opportunity. And I want you to share in that a hundred percent.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Hey, Mom. Um, I got invited to my friend Billy's house for dinner tonight.
Gloria: Don't worry. We're not gonna eat this. We're gonna eat steak.
Manny: Oh, good. There's no Billy.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Why the sudden change of menu?
Gloria: Well, I was having some doubts, but Jay made me feel better. He told me the reason why he wants me to be an American.
Manny: Oh, those long lines.
Gloria: What long lines?
Manny: The Customs line. Oh, Jay hates them when we come back from Cabo.
Gloria: What? That son of a bitch wants me to turn my back on my homeland for an airport line?
Manny: You know, I should at least make an appearance at Billy's.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Why are we so focused on helping Alex win when we could be working on making Sanjay lose?
Phil: Talk to me.
Luke: Okay, is there a manhole on the track? Because it's kind of important to my plan.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Gloria.
Gloria: [imitating a Texan accent] Howdy, hubby. How about some grub before we turn on the NASCAR?
Jay: I'm not gonna lie. I like where this is going. But, uh, I'm not sure I'm supposed to.
Gloria: Ain't this what you want? The perfect American wife to make your life more convenient?
Jay: Do you think that's an American accent?
Gloria: It's from Texas.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Manny told me that you want me to give up my heritage so that you don't have to wait in line at the airport.
Jay: Oh, I gotta stop talking to that kid when I'm drinking.
Gloria: Well, I'm not gonna do it. So say good-bye to your little American wife.
Jay: Man, those shorts really take the sting out of getting yelled at.

Quote from Jay

Manny: I know nobody asked for my advice-
Jay: Yet you're talking.
Manny: I agree with Jay.
Jay: Let's hear him out.
Manny: Don't do this for him, Mom.
Jay: You're all over the place.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Come on, Alex! You can do it!
Claire: I ran six miles the morning you were born! You came out of the womb ready for this!

Quote from Phil

Claire: What's happening?
Phil: He must know something we don't! Stop running, Alex! It's a trap!


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