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‘Patriot Games’ Quotes

Modern Family: Patriot Games

622. Patriot Games

Aired May 6, 2015

Alex can't believe it when the school announces that she will be co-Valedictorian with her academic rival Sanjay. As Gloria studies for her upcoming U.S. citizenship test, a visit from Javier has her questioning whether she's giving up her Colombian heritage. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron feel shamed by their gay friends for not being politically active, so they agree to join a protest against a local restaurant without knowing the reason behind the boycott.

Quote from Manny

Manny: But you also shouldn't worry about what Dad thinks. I think you should become a citizen because even back when we were alone in our apartment this is what you always wanted.
Gloria: Remember sitting by the window, watching reruns of Miami Vice on the neighbor's TV and all the bad guys were caught and all the policemen had all those nice cars?
Manny: We used to watch that and think what an amazing country this was.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: Did a little research. If Mom isn't a citizen when Jay "moves on to a better place", we could be looking at a pretty hefty estate tax. I don't wanna sound insensitive but I have acquired a real taste for truffles.

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Quote from Claire

Nina: May the best child win.
Phil: Oh, she will. Consider this moment gauntleted. Is that a word?
Claire: Hold your head up like it is. Vocabulary is mostly a matter of confidence.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria's about to take her citizenship test. This little jumping bean is about to become an American.
Gloria: Jumping beans are Mexican.
Jay: Once you're an American you won't see the difference.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I'm so excited. Do you know that once I pass, I can serve on a jury? They still use the electric chair, right?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Javier got to you, didn't he?
Gloria: No. Maybe a little bit.
Jay: Gloria, don't listen to him. Get rid of that squirrel stew. I got a few special things here to help celebrate you becoming an American. Look. Kobe steaks. Bottle of scotch. Cigars.
Gloria: You know that none of that is made in America.
Jay: Buying them all was the American part.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Doesn't the timing seem a little suspicious to you?
Alex: Maybe, but he seemed really genuine.
Phil: Classic psychological warfare. I've dealt with it in elite competitions. I didn't realize it happened outside of cheerleading.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: We're just trying to make it in this world raise our daughter, get her to her soccer game.
Jotham: Not Youth Soccer Federation. Because if it's Youth Soccer Federation I don't wanna know.
Mitchell: Oh, my God! You know what? Sh-Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame on you. You are no better than the people in that restaurant. Come on, Cam. Let's go. Come on. Think they bought it?
Cameron: Keep your head up. Don't look back. Being right is mostly confidence.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, Lily. I got the list of what you need for your project. Uh, glitter glue, glitter dots, glitter paper.
Lily: Mrs. Daniels says my projects have too much glitter.
Cameron: Okay, well, she needs a Mr. Daniels because a project can't have too much pizzazz.
Mitchell: It's a report on the potato famine.
Cameron: I'm- I'm sorry. Do Irish tears not sparkle?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] All we know is the Jai Alai Lounge has the single best burger in the country if not the universe.
Mitchell: The Jai Alai burger is one-fourth pound-
Cameron: One-third.
Mitchell: Prime Angus fresh, crispy lettuce
Cameron: Butter lettuce.
Mitchell: A sauce delivered from heaven
Cameron: From Kansas City.
Mitchell: All on a perfectly toasted fresh-baked bun.
Cameron: With sesame seeds. I wanted to have it as our wedding cake.
Mitchell: Maybe for your next one.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] We were called into Principal Brown's office one week before Alex's graduation.
Phil: That can mean only one of two things. Either she's gonna be valedictorian or they're giving an award for sexiest dad.
Claire: We're very proud of Alex.

Quote from Phil

Phil: What is it with these two?
Nina: I agree with them. Ties are un-American. Would you be happy if the Super Bowl ended in a tie?
Phil: Yes! There'd be twice as many parades.

Quote from Cameron

Vish There must be some way to determine who the best student is.
Principal Brown: Unfortunately, all the final exams and the papers are in. Grades are closed.
Alex: Not all the grades.
[cut to:]
Cameron: [spins around] Well, well, well. Looks like the janitor finally fixed my chair.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: What are the last two states to be admitted into the Union?
Gloria: Alaska and Hawaii.
Jay: Name two cabinet-level positions.
Gloria: That's easy. There's a higher one for the glasses and a lower one for the pots and the pans.
Jay: Hey, don't get cocky. When we started studying for this you thought the secretary of defense job was to guard "da fence."

Quote from Jay

Javier: Cow? Cow? The woman who's abandoning her country cannot remember the Spanish word for "cow."
Gloria: It slipped my mind!
Jay: Vaca. There's a taco truck parked outside my office.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Longinus and Jotham do this all the time. They- They guilt us into doing something and then they bail.
Cameron: They did it at Pepper's New Year's Steve party.
Mitchell: Yeah, everybody had to dress as a famous Steve.
Cameron: Steve Austin.
Mitchell: Steve Martin.
Cameron: They bailed, and we got stuck in a room full of Sondheims.
Mitchell: [singsong] How are you doing? My name is Steve.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Oh, my God. What is wrong with me? I can't believe I let him get in my head. Oh, he is going down. Tomorrow, Sanjay Patel begins a lifetime of second best. Enjoy your Hydrox cookies and your silver medal, Mr. Vice President!

Quote from Cameron

Waitress: Mr. Pritchett, you forgot your cell phone inside.
Mitchell: Thank you. See, uh, before you guys got here, we went in there and we demanded a refund for our gift cards.
Cameron: Yes, we went into the belly of the beast.
Mitchell: Yes, we did.
Waiter: Sir, you forgot your food to go.
Cameron: Thank you.
Jotham: And fed your bellies.
Longinus: How could you?
Cameron: Okay, before you get all superior we hadn't eaten since breakfast.
Longinus: It's a quarter to 1:00.
Cameron: That's what I'm saying.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Look, complaining about a line at an airport is easier than admitting the truth about why I want you to become a citizen. I guess it still bothers me that you have all these ties to Javier.
G;What ties? What are you talking about?
Jay: Gloria Delgado-Pritchett. You still have his last name. You're both Colombians. When you and I come back to the country we have to wait in separate lines like we're not even in the same family. I don't know. I guess I just thought that if you committed to America in some weird way, you'd be recommitting to me. That's the longest you've ever been quiet, and it's terrifying.

Quote from Gloria

Jackie: The United States government has how many branches?
Gloria: Three.
Jackie: Correct. What color are the stars on the American flag?
Gloria: White, but I feel like it's my duty to tell you that you have a flag right behind you so probably you need to ask me another question.
Jackie: No need. Congratulations. You passed.
Gloria: What? That's it? Two questions? And I have a cheat flag? That's all it takes?
Jackie: Yep. You'll get an official letter in the mail with the details of your oath ceremony.
Gloria: Do you know how long I've been studying for this? You're robbing me of the feeling of achievement. Ask me another question, and a hard one this time.
Jackie: But you already passed-
Gloria: Do it.
Jackie: Okay. How many members of Congress are there?
Gloria: You know what? It's too late. You already said that I passed.


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