Phil: I have to go show a house. But first, what was Elton John's sexual orientation in the '70s?
Haley & Alex: Bi.
Haley: You've done that one before.
Phil: And it never gets old. Like the good Captain Fantastic himself.

Haley: Mom heard us say we were bored.
Phil: Suckers.
Alex: She heard us from outside.
Haley: She has super good hearing, like a seeing eye dog. They have overdeveloped hearing to make up for the fact that-- Wait, the dogs aren't blind. Wait. Are they? No, that wouldn't make sense.
Alex: You're right. If I wait long enough, she can get there by herself.

Cameron: It's perfect! It's our chance to have a baby that's part me, part you!
Mitchell: No, no! It's part you and part Claire. I'm nowhere in there. And it's not like I can pretend. It's- She's not some egg donor that we don't know. It's Claire. You know, we see her all the time. And what are we supposed to tell the baby? "Say hi to your Aunt Mommy!"
Cameron: Adorable.
Mitchell: No, not adorable. Appalachian.

Claire: Oh! Oh, thank God. Nobody's dead.
Luke: Or we're all dead.
Claire: How many plates did we lose?
Alex: None. Luke and Haley used cookie sheets to clear a path through the marbles for me.
Claire: Where are the marbles?
Haley: Right here.
Claire: Oh, Haley!
Haley: I put glue on them so it doesn't happen again.
Claire: What about the chair?
Luke: Leon and I rolled it outside on some skateboards.
Claire: Oh. The squirrel?
Alex: You think I was going to let that happen?
[aside to camera:]
Claire: These kids are going to survive. They are the best of me and Phil. Luke using the skateboards, Haley gluing the marbles, that is pure Phil. Alex keeping everyone in line, pure me. Sometimes I worry no one's gonna like Alex.

Phil: [aside to camera] Sweet potato fries!

Mitchell: [on the phone] Hey, Phil. I'm glad I caught ya.
Phil: What's up?
Mitchell: Uh, it's about Steven and Stefan. They wanna see that house on Briar again.
Phil: Really? I showed it to them five times. Last time we were there, I think they got mail.

Phil: Hey, Claire, guess what?
Claire: I'm sorry, honey, I can't talk right now. I told Bethenny I would take her to the airport. I'm late, and she's gonna miss her flight. Where are my keys? Why is that chair still here? I thought you and Luke were gonna put it out on the sidewalk.
Phil: So you can't talk unless it's about my chores?
Claire: Why don't you just do it now, and you won't be so bored?
Phil: You heard that?
Claire: I hear everything.

Manny: Can you put this in the jar with the others?
Gloria: Si. Ay, I forgot. What is the combination to your safe?
Manny: [looking at Jay] I'll just come with you.
Jay: Oh, yes, 'cause that's how this arrangement works, I take money from you!

Phil: And that is the whole house. Again.
Steven: I love it, but I just don't love it. Do you love it?
Stefan: I love it. I absolutely love it. I'm just not sure if I'm in love with it.
Phil: Oh, yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: We have an expression around the office for when a sale just isn't happening, "Commission: Impossible." Maybe for some people.

Phil: It's not fair. I love you both so much. If you could have a baby that was a mix of the two of you, I would love that baby so much.
Claire: Aw, that is so sweet.
Phil: I meant it.
Claire: That is so sweet. Oh, my God. You guys, we could do this. We could do this. We could make a baby that is half Tucker and half Pritchett.
Phil: Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: Cloning?
Claire: No.