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33Quotes from ‘Valentine's Day 4: Twisted Sister’

Modern Family: Valentine's Day 4: Twisted Sister

614. Valentine's Day 4: Twisted Sister

Aired February 11, 2015

When Valentine's Day rolls around again, Claire worries that Phil is more into "Juliana" than her. Jay perks up when he gets the sense that Gloria's sister, Sonia, is into him. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron go back and forth on whether to give a wedding gift to their friend Anders after the couple split up.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay, they delayed Sonia's flight until tomorrow. Why don't we cancel our dinner reservation and the three of us celebrate Valentine's here?
Sonia: You don't have to do that for me, Gloria. I usually spend Valentine's Day selling artificial flowers near the well in my village.
Jay: Where do you people live, National Geographic?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Happy Valentine's, by the way.
Claire: Mmm, no. Gross and sweaty from running. So, for later tonight, you thinking what I'm thinking, valentine? I believe I am.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Every Valentine's Day, Claire and I look forward to some naughty role-playing sexually adventurous cuckolder Juliana and Clive Bixby, speaker salesman by day spy by night. Lover also by night and sometimes during the day. The speaker business, it it pretty much runs itself.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Look who's back, the sangria sisters.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I invited my sister to visit so that we could fix our problems. You know, sister things like I never like how she always borrow my bras or she never liked how I stole her one chance to escape the village and I left her there taking care of my mother. Things like that.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Is she around?
Manny: I think she's upstairs in the bath.
Jay: Why? I just gave her a bath this morning.
Manny: Ew! Oh, you're talking about Stella. Wait, you got the dog a gift?
Jay: Lot of attitude for a guy whose date's a tub of ice cream and a fuzzy robe. You're spending Valentine's Day in a "Cathy" cartoon.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] When will I learn? I'm catnip to sister-in-laws. Years ago, I was sitting next to Dede's sister Cece at Thanksgiving dinner and I threw a little charm her way. You know, flash the baby blues. Before I know it, she's rubbing her size 12s up and down my shin. Dede caught her, went over the table at her. It took me and her sister Bebe to separate them.

Quote from Manny

Jay: You must have big plans today. This is like your Super Bowl, right?
Manny: No, I'm sitting it out this year. The whole holiday's gotten laughably commercial.
Jay: Sounds like Amy turned you down.
Manny: Like a bed in a five-star hotel. I'll be drowning my sorrows in a marathon of my new favorite true-crime show, Lethal Ladies. Amy may have dumped me but at least it wasn't off the lido deck of a Carnival cruise.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I know I'll get over it but right now I hate Anders and Cooper.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Our dear friends Anders and Cooper got married last Valentine's Day and we wanted to get them something really special.
Cameron: We found this exquisite little painting of a winery in Napa that we all visited last year. It was a bit pricey but they're really judgey and we knew they'd love it.
Mitchell: The problem is, so did we.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Thank you, Carmelina. Oh, and here's something you can put in the other room.
Cameron: That was hard.
Mitchell: So hard.
Cameron: Probably how Lily's birth mother felt.
Mitchell: Except we don't have nine other paintings by five different painters.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Once Sonia blew up my Valentine's Day I could have sat around feeling sorry for myself. Instead, I had a little chuckle, and I got the dog a gift. I know it's silly getting Stella a present... so close to her birthday.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I must say, Juliana, you're the last person I expected to see here tonight.
Claire: Well, with any luck, you'll be the last person I do see tonight.
Phil: [chuckles] Oh, my God.
Claire: Phil, I've had my eye on you for years. I'm just so happy we're finally gonna get some alone time. I'm not scaring you, am I?
Phil: Quite the contrary. Most women who meet me almost instantly ask for some alone time.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Darn it! My showing was pushed up tomorrow morning. I may have to make it an early one.
Claire: Are you sure? 'Cause you only have one night with me, tiger and I'm as flexible as a government-insured zero-down, variable-rate mortgage.
Phil: Who are you?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: What is that?
Mitchell: This is Anders's wedding present to us. He must have swapped it out when he opened that monstrosity that he thinks we got him.
Cameron: We're getting our painting back. Go.
Mitchell: Me? No, no. You've already done a recon of the room. You need to do this.
Cameron: Okay, take it easy, "Mission: Impossible" It's a bed and a couch, not a laser maze. Now get.

Quote from Jay

Jay: It's not that crazy. This has happened before.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, that time when Dede's lonely sister grabbed your leg?
Jay: Not lonely. She's a forest ranger. She can't be tied down. Look, before I shuffle back to my bell tower let me just say I know the look.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Oh, my God. She wants me out of the picture too. Of course. Young woman meets a wealthy, older man. Who wants a kid in the way?
Jay: That's the first airtight thing you've said today.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Open your eyes, Jay. She wants you all to herself. The red dress just like Mom's, the toy she knew Mom would trip on, the headless pictures. She's crazy!
Sonia: You think I'm crazy? This is what I did with the pictures. I made this valentine for Gloria. The dress I borrowed from Gloria to go with your pretty necklace. And the "poison" is guasca, a spice I brought from Colombia.
Jay: And there's Stella with the toy.
Sonia: Which she leaves all over the house.
Jay: There's been some misunderstanding here but it would be so super if you just wouldn't mention this to-
Gloria: Me?!
Jay: Geez! As loud as these two are, they move like cats.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Sonia, I'm an idiot. I jumped to some crazy conclusions today. I mean, I could say it's because of Valentine's or, I don't know me feeling a little neglected. But I know you could never-
Sonia: Kiss me.
Jay: Yes, because you're my sister-in-law and, uh-
Sonia: We hid it perfectly, Jay!
Jay: Sonia, wait!
Sonia: We've waited long enough! One night with me, and you'll forget all about her. She doesn't appreciate you. I hear how you fight.
Jay: That's just how we talk.
Sonia: Give in to it, Jay. We both- [picks up Joe's baby monitor] Oh, no. [screams]
Gloria: [screams] I knew it! How dare do you try to steal the life that I stole from you?

Quote from Phil

Claire: Did you remember to give Alex and Luke their lunch money?
Phil: Ma'am, yes, ma'am.
Claire: What about the electrician? Did you give him a check?
Phil: He's an electrician. He'll charge us.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I just want to keep it really low-key this year. You know, simple.
Phil: Yep.
Claire: On the other hand, we could have a drink at that hotel bar we love.
Phil: Go on.
Claire: Then come straight home put on our jammies and fall asleep in front of the TV.
Phil: Perfect. Looking forward to it already.
Claire: Ew, but not those ones I hate, those red satin pajamas.
Phil: I don't even know where those are.

Quote from Jay

Sonia: I just feel so bad. You have both shown me such kindness this week and I repay you with bad weather over Tampa.
Jay: No, this is better. It gets crazy out there. I'm happy to avoid the fuss.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Wouldn't have minded a little fuss. Maybe I've been kind of feeling taken for granted lately. I know only girls are supposed to care about Valentine's Day, but, ah, what am I crying about? We get paid more so what the hell?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Did you get it?
Cameron: Yes. And guess whose room they keep the last-minute wedding gifts in. Hint: Apparently you need your original hips to keep a nightgown closed.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: What happened?
Cameron: Obviously, there were two gifts wrapped similarly and my eyes were watering from the thick fog of VapoRub back there.
Mitchell: We got nothing to lose now, so go back and get the painting.
Cameron: You know who gave him that cheap thing?It was J'Marcus. She's got the first dollar she ever earned.

Quote from Sonia

Jay: Hey. What's all this? I thought the three of us were just gonna order something in.
Sonia: No. I ruined your night enough. I'm cooking for you and Gloria so you can have a romantic evening alone.
Jay: Sonia, you don't have to do this.
Sonia: I want to. It makes me so happy to prepare food for you. Maybe someday I'll be preparing it for a husband of my own. Thank you for not laughing and falling on the floor like my mother does when I say such things.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I understand that your wife has had some car trouble. I wonder how that could have happened.

Quote from Claire

Phil: That was such a rush!
Claire: You've never stolen anything before?
Phil: Only the entire show of my high school production of The Wiz but I don't think that's... Oh, glass elevator. Should make for an exciting view.
Claire: It will for the people on the street.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Would the lady like my coat so she doesn't catch a col- [Claire's underwear lands on Phil's shoulder] Does that mean what I think it does?
Claire: Water's a little chilly. Think you can come in here and help me warm it up?
Phil: Baby, they haven't built a pool I couldn't warm a little.

Quote from Mitchell

Anders: Where's Cam?
Mitchell: Uh, tinkling again. Nature calls so often, I think she has him on speed dial.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, what's that?
Anders: The motion-detector alarm in Mother's room, in case she falls out of bed. I turn it on during cocktails, when I tend to forget she's even there.What's going on? She all right?
Mitchell: Yeah, yeah. She's just tossing her leg a little bit.
Anders: Oh, that kicky thing? She's either having her Rockettes dream or her catheter's out.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [o.s.] Ooh, look. They have the good Q-tips. I'm gonna steal us a bunch.
Phil: I'm gonna miss Juliana. That lady knows where the bodies are buried.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You see how she keeps sliding close to me? It's like eating on a boat.
Manny: It's so much worse than that. It's straight out of Lethal Ladies. Look what I found in the trash.
Jay: Pictures of me and Gloria with Gloria's head cut out?
Manny: She literally wants Mom out of the picture.
Jay: Hold on, amigo. Is she infatuated with me? Yes. Understandable. Unavoidable. But would she actually do something to her own-
Manny: [gasps]
Jay: What?
Manny: She just took a bottle out of her purse and sprinkled it into Mom's soup.
Jay: Okay, that's enough of this dumb TV show for you. We're talking about a perfectly believable obsession.

Quote from Claire

[aside to camera:]
Claire: Your husband's noticing another woman, there's only one thing to do step up your game.
[flashback:]
Claire: I just can't wait to get in a hot bath and soak this infected toenail.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: It's much easier just to take the other bitch down.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Well, I-I like the sound of that bath. I assume the tub will be ringed with scented candles?
Claire: Oh, well, I've got candles. I got candles everywhere. Ever since my boyfriend stopped paying my bills they turned off the electricity.
Phil: Leaving us to generate our own electricity. Although, candles can be nice if you're in the mood for, say, some dirty dancing.
Claire: Oh, I hate that movie.
Phil: What?! There I must passionately disagree.
Claire: Huh.
Phil: Or was that your game all along?
Claire: Okay, if it's an argument you want, fine. Fine. Of course Johnny's gonna fall for Baby because he's this big, dreamy country bumpkin and she is the shiny, new thing. But what happens when the movie is over, when he really gets to know her, huh? Two weeks out of the Catskills, and it's "You wearing that again, Baby? You borrow my razor again, Baby? Isn't two glasses enough, Baby?" Trust me, he is no longer having the time of his life.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Juliana. Juliana, wait.
Claire: No. Honestly, it is one minute to 12:00, Phil. Valentine's Day is over. I'm-
Phil: Not quite. I can't see you anymore.
Claire: What?
Phil: I can't believe I'm saying this because you're the most intoxicating woman a man could ever meet. But, by some cosmic miracle, there's a woman in that house that I still find as sexy and exciting as the first day I met her. I should probably let her know that more often than I do. That's my bad. Point is, a guy like me gets that lucky, he quits while he's ahead.
Claire: Well, it sounds to me like she's the lucky one.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Good-bye, Juliana. Where are you going?
Claire: Sorry. Aren't- Aren't we-
Phil: Don't- Don't beg. It's beneath you.
Claire: Um, but I-
Phil: Please, go. My wife will see you.
Claire: Go? Go where?
Phil: Don't make this harder than it is.
Claire: Okay, I- [knocks]
Phil: [o.s.] Juliana, no.
Claire: Phil! Phil! Really!


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