Phil: Happy Valentine's, by the way.
Claire: Mmm, no. Gross and sweaty from running. So, for later tonight, you thinking what I'm thinking, valentine?
Phil: I believe I am.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Every Valentine's Day, Claire and I look forward to some naughty role-playing. Sexually adventurous cuckolder Juliana and Clive Bixby, speaker salesman by day, spy by night. Lover also by night and sometimes during the day. The speaker business, it it pretty much runs itself.

Gloria: Jay, they delayed Sonia's flight until tomorrow. Why don't we cancel our dinner reservation and the three of us celebrate Valentine's here?
Sonia: You don't have to do that for me, Gloria. I usually spend Valentine's Day selling artificial flowers near the well in my village.
Jay: Where do you people live, National Geographic?

Phil: I must say, Juliana, you're the last person I expected to see here tonight.
Claire: Well, with any luck, you'll be the last person I do see tonight.
Phil: [chuckles] Oh, my God.
Claire: Phil, I've had my eye on you for years. I'm just so happy we're finally gonna get some alone time. I'm not scaring you, am I?
Phil: Quite the contrary. Most women who meet me almost instantly ask for some alone time.

Jay: Look who's back, the sangria sisters.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I invited my sister to visit so that we could fix our problems. You know, sister things like I never like how she always borrow my bras or she never liked how I stole her one chance to escape the village and I left her there taking care of my mother. Things like that.

Jay: Is she around?
Manny: I think she's upstairs in the bath.
Jay: Why? I just gave her a bath this morning.
Manny: Ew! Oh, you're talking about Stella. Wait, you got the dog a gift?
Jay: Lot of attitude for a guy whose date's a tub of ice cream and a fuzzy robe. You're spending Valentine's Day in a "Cathy" cartoon.

Jay: [aside to camera] When will I learn? I'm catnip to sister-in-laws. Years ago, I was sitting next to Dede's sister Cece at Thanksgiving dinner and I threw a little charm her way. You know, flash the baby blues. Before I know it, she's rubbing her size 12s up and down my shin. Dede caught her, went over the table at her. It took me and her sister Bebe to separate them.

Jay: You must have big plans today. This is like your Super Bowl, right?
Manny: No, I'm sitting it out this year. The whole holiday's gotten laughably commercial.
Jay: Sounds like Amy turned you down.
Manny: Like a bed in a five-star hotel. I'll be drowning my sorrows in a marathon of my new favorite true-crime show, Lethal Ladies. Amy may have dumped me but at least it wasn't off the lido deck of a Carnival cruise.

Cameron: I know I'll get over it but right now I hate Anders and Cooper.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Our dear friends Anders and Cooper got married last Valentine's Day and we wanted to get them something really special.
Cameron: We found this exquisite little painting of a winery in Napa that we all visited last year. It was a bit pricey but they're really judgey and we knew they'd love it.
Mitchell: The problem is, so did we.

Mitchell: Thank you, Carmelina. Oh, and here's something you can put in the other room.
Cameron: That was hard.
Mitchell: So hard.
Cameron: Probably how Lily's birth mother felt.
Mitchell: Except we don't have nine other paintings by five different painters.

Jay: [aside to camera] Once Sonia blew up my Valentine's Day I could have sat around feeling sorry for myself. Instead, I had a little chuckle, and I got the dog a gift. I know it's silly getting Stella a present... so close to her birthday.