Mitchell: [aside to camera] While often lumped together, gay men and lesbians have less in common than one might think.
Cameron: Like in the Venn diagram of sexual identity, you have gay men...
Mitchell: And straight men. Both the same gender.
Cameron: Then you have gay men...
Mitchell: And straight women. Both attracted to the same gender. But gay men and lesbians? No.
Cameron: Nothing.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It was Scotty, this local lake kid I met on vacation when I was thirteen. I had a huge crush on him, so on the last day, I decided to take a chance and I kissed him. It was my first time ever kissing a boy, so when he pulled away and said that he wasn't "into this," I was humiliated. I mean, I'd obviously misread signals. He was straight. It was five years before I ever made a move on a guy again. And even then, I wouldn't dare unless he was basically floating across the room. Which is why I ended up with... Well, you know.

Mitchell: We have got to get her into school, or else she's gonna fall behind.
Cameron: Don't you think I know that?
Mitchell: This is perfect. Leave it to the gays to raise the only underachieving Asian in America.

Cameron: What about the wedding? What if she says it there? She's like a ticking time bomb!
Mitchell: Well, what are we gonna do, cancel?
Cameron: Yes. Maybe we just call and say, "We're not going to any more weddings until the gays can get married."
Mitchell: Oh, so now we're political? We leave town on gay pride weekend because we don't like the traffic.

Jay: I never realized you ever had sex with a girl.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I kinda got around back then, actually.
Jay: More than one?
Mitchell: Please.
Jay: Well, there was Tracy. Who else?
Mitchell: Uh, Betty Rizzo.
Jay: Don't remember her.
Mitchell: Eliza Doolittle? Nellie Forbush?
Jay: These were classmates?
Mitchell: Well, some were older. Some were younger. Liesl and Gretl von Trapp. Sisters, obviously. Too far?
Jay: I'm not an idiot. You played that record night and day. Why would you tell me a thing like that?

Mitchell: Cam, stay out of their business, all right? If we drop below three stars, we're gonna be stuck renting to chain smokers and pregnant foreigners trying to have their babies in America. Mark down the time. I just turned into my father.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] There- There is a backstory. In the summer of 1984, inspired by "The Karate Kid," I went through a martial arts phase. When Cam brought those nunchucks home, it was just too much to resist. 30 years later, once again, it was time to sweep the leg.

Cameron: [aside to camera] When Mitchell and Claire were kids-
Mitchell: This is interesting to no one.
Cameron: Excuse- Please let me finish. Thank you. When Mitchell was 10.
Mitchell: 11.
Cameron: And Claire was 13, they were competitive ice dancers.
Mitchell: Figure skaters. Oh, for god's sakes, I'll tell the story. Yes, my sister and I were actually a very good team. We were called "Fire and Nice." I was "fire," 'cause of the red hair. And Claire was "nice," because it was ironic and she wasn't.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] My great-great-grandfather helped build the Brooklyn Bridge. I heard that until the day he died, every time he passed it he was filled with such pride. He'd say, "There's a little bit of me in that bridge." I know that I'm not the handiest guy, but I'm still a man. And I want to be able to look out into my yard and say "There's a little bit of me in that princess castle."

Mitchell: [aside to camera] When I was 12 years old, my father walked into my bedroom and caught me doing the most embarrassing thing that a boy can do... dancing to Madonna's "Lucky Star." And from that moment on, there's always been a part of me that I've kept from him. And yet here he was laughing with my friends. And I don't know... maybe the problem was me.