Popular ‘Modern Family’ Quotes Page 1 of 25
Phil: He's a little jumpy.
Claire: Oh, go figure. A teenage boy doesn't want to hang out with his girlfriend's dad.
Phil: I thought we were past all that. I'm all about I'm all about taking it to the next level.
Claire: Really? I thought you were all about keeping it real.
Phil: Yes, but the whole point of keeping it real is so you can take it to the next level. Did you really not know that?
Lily: What if he never comes back?
Jay: Oh, honey, no one ever leaves home and doesn't come back.
Lily: I did.
Gloria: Look. Look how happy they are instead of him being tied to a tree outside with no one to talk to.
Jay: Why didn't you just tell me this in the first place?
Gloria: Ay, like you would be okay with me stealing a dog.
Gloria: Exactly. That's why I didn't tell you. Now the dog is happy, Manny can sleep, and we have pickles.
Jay: Okay, it worked out this time, but don't forget that stealing is against the law. Now maybe in Colombia-
Gloria: Ah, here we go. Because in Colombia, we trip over goats and we kill people in the street. Do you know how offensive that is? Like we're Peruvians!
Phil: [aside to camera] I wish I were one of those people who thrives on the danger of leading a double life. You know, Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker, Hannah Montana.
Cameron: [affected accent] The tribe elders foretold that though I lay with fire-haired man the giving hawk would bring us baby with her skin the color of sweet corn which my people call maize.
Mitchell: Okay. Please stop.
Mr. Plympton: Well, uh-
Cameron: Knowledge is her sustenance. Like so much maize which, you'll remember, means corn.
Mitchell: What if I was a single dad?
Claire: [aside to camera] That was the moment I realized Phil wanted me to kick Dylan out so he could be the cool one. Well, I can be cool, too. I'm cooler than cool. I'm frigid.
Jay: Uh, this stupid kid's been in the business about ten minutes. He barely looks at my proposal, and he says he wants more "Wow."
Gloria: What does he mean by more "Wow"?
Manny: It's the "Bieber-ization" of America.
Jay: What do beavers have to do with anything?
Gloria: The beavers, they build the dams all over the country so there's no floods, is the "Beaver-ization" of the Americas.
Manny: I'm finding there's less and less we can talk about.
Jay: I hate losing to a team with a Viking mascot. Hey! You died out and became Swedes! Hip-hip-hooray for socialism and seasonal depression!
Jay: It's a movie. New York, '70s, Charles Bronson's a firm family man, and he-
Manny: Who's pushed to the limit until one day he decides to fight back.
Jay: You've seen it?
Manny: It's called "Death Wish." I doubt it ends with him trading banter in an apartment with Marsha Mason.
Cameron: [aside to camera] This week, the world lost a great man, and I lost a mentor. For nearly 60 years, Professor Ringmaster Al Uzielli helped young hopefuls like me find their clown persona.
Mitchell: "Professor Ringmaster"?
Cameron: It's a very prestigious title at Clown College. One step below Piemaster General.
Jay: [aside to camera] The key to being a good dad? Look, sometimes things work out just the way you want. Sometimes they don't. You got to hang in there. Because when all is said and done, 90% of being a dad is just showin' up.
Phil: [aside to camera] I am brave. Roller coasters? Love 'em. Scary movies? I've seen Ghostbusters like seven times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah, I'm pretty much not afraid of anything. Except clowns. Never shared that with the fam, so shh. Do have an image to maintain. I am not really sure where the fear comes from. My mother says it's because when I was a kid, I found a dead clown in the woods, but who knows?
Gloria: [aside to camera] I always wanted a daughter. To dress her up with pretty dresses do her hair, her nails, her makeup. [chuckles] No one knows this, but for the first year of his life, I made up Manny like a girl and told everybody that he was my daughter. [laughs] Ay, but just for a few times. I didn't want to mess with his head. When he found the pictures, I told him that it was his twin sister who died.
Mitchell: [aside to camera] While often lumped together, gay men and lesbians have less in common than one might think.
Cameron: Like in the Venn diagram of sexual identity, you have gay men...
Mitchell: And straight men. Both the same gender.
Cameron: Then you have gay men...
Mitchell: And straight women. Both attracted to the same gender. But gay men and lesbians? No.
Luke: What are you gonna do when he drives by?
Claire: I'm gonna tell him to slow down.
Luke: I think you should drag him out of his car and we all get turns punching him in the stomach until he barfs.
Claire: Honey, I think I'm just gonna turn over his license plate to the police.
Luke: Please. Order a pizza and call the cops. We'll see who gets here first.