Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Family Portrait’ Quotes

Modern Family: Family Portrait

124. Family Portrait

Aired May 19, 2010

Claire's perfectionism drives everyone crazy when she arranges for a family portrait to be taken. Phil and Alex join Gloria and Manny at a Lakers game, leading to an awkward moment on the "kiss cam". When Cameron gets a gig as a wedding singer, Mitchell doesn't want to go and have to make small talk, so he stays home and deals with Lily and a stray pigeon. Meanwhile, Luke interviews Jay for a school project.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Kobe! Kobe, over here!
Kobe Bryant: What can I do for you?
Phil: Do you like being a basketball player?
Kobe Bryant: Serious?
Phil: I choked. I didn't think you'd look up here at me.
Kobe Bryant: Little preparation next time. It's a mental game.
Phil: Duly noted.

Rate

Quote from Jay

Jay: Ah, this is ridiculous. You're both uptight about everything. You didn't want to go to a wedding with him because you didn't want to make small talk? That's how I met Gloria. Do you remember the first thing I said to you?
Gloria: Yes. "I like chocolate, I like fruit, but not together."
Jay: You couldn't come up with that, lvy League? And you. You would be a lot happier if you weren't so obsessed with everything being perfect. Look at us here all in white. What are we, a cricket team? News flash. Life is not perfect, Claire. Now calm the hell down.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Ordinarily, I'm a rule follower, but when someone tells me I can't bring my own snacks into their stadium, that's when I get a little nuts. [crinkling] It's a free country, right? Let's just say it ruffles me [crinkling] When some goobers tell me [crinkling] I have to spend half my payday [crinkling]. On their hot dogs. [crinkling]

Quote from Phil

Claire: And, sweetie, did you have a chance to try on the white pants I put in your closet?
Phil: Oh, what do they look like?
Claire: Is there really a more clear way to describe white pants? Sweetie, if they don't fit you, you're going to be the only one not wearing white, and then you're gonna stand out like "Where's Waldo?"
Phil: Actually, "Where's Waldo?" Doesn't stand out. He's super hard to find. That's the challenge.
Claire: This portrait is incredibly important to me.
Phil: Also, his name is just "Waldo."

Quote from Jay

Jay: Where's my good underwear?
Gloria: The question is, why isn't all your underwear good, Jay? You make a nice living.
Jay: The new maid keeps mixing up my underwear with Manny's. Put on the first thing I grabbed. It was like a crotch tourniquet.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] I have been hired to sing at a wedding this weekend. I was plucked from obscurity after a particularly stirring karaoke performance. So I guess you could say I'm a professional singer now.
Mitchell: Well, they're paying you in flowers, so-
Cameron: Well, I would've blown the money on flowers anyway. They're saving me a step. Plus all the great divas are rewarded in flowers.
Mitchell: They're also given paychecks.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [answering phone] Hello?
Mitchell: There is a pigeon in our house. What do I do? What do I do?
Cameron: Who is this?
Mitchell: Never funny. Not funny now.
Cameron: Calm down. You know I grew up around many animals. One time, a rooster attacked me, and my mom wrung its neck, and we had it for dinner.
Mitchell: Great time for an anecdote. Help me.
Cameron: It's more afraid of you than you are of it.
Mitchell: Pigeons aren't scared of anything. They stand on electrical wires.

Quote from Alex

Manny: Cool. The kiss cam. Wouldn't it be embarrassing if the camera was on us and then the crowd started-
Alex: We're related.
Manny: Not by blood.
Alex: Touch me and there will be blood.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Here's the thing. The kiss cam is only supposed to be for the enjoyment of the people at the game. They never show that on TV. What people do in the privacy of their own sports arena should be their own business.

Quote from Jay

Jay: So in '66, I worked in my grandfather's office supply business- your ink, your staples, your legal pads. Am I going too fast for you?
Luke: I fell asleep for a second. Did you do anything interesting in the '60s?
Jay: Well, one summer, I swept up hair at my other grandfather's barbershop.
Luke: You're killing me.
Jay: What do you want?
Luke: I don't know. Brian Beckwith's grandfather marched on Washington.
Jay: Artie Beckwith? He couldn't walk two feet without complaining. He marched on Washington?
Luke: He told Brian he did. With Martin Luther King Jr.
Jay: Martin Luther King? Guess who cut his hair.
Luke: What?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Do you know who cut Martin Luther King Jr.'s hair? Neither does Luke's teacher.

Quote from Jay

Luke: So the barbershop was in Washington?
Jay: Okay.
Luke: Did you cut any other famous hair?
Jay: Oh, yeah. The Kennedys, Richard Nixon, all the astronauts. How do you think Buzz Aldrin got his nickname?
Luke: Awesome.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Then one day, Wilt Chamberlain shows up. He says, "Can you take a little off the top for my friend here?" And it's Elvis.
Luke: No way.
Jay: Greatest singer that ever lived, after Sinatra. I'll fight any man who says different.
Luke: My dad says the greatest singer who ever lived is Peabo Bryson.
Jay: Then I guess I gotta fight your dad.
Luke: Yeah, I guess.

Quote from Claire

Luke: It's hard to breathe.
Claire: Oh, you're fine.
Jay: What'd you do to him? He's turning blue.
Claire: But his clothes will stay white.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, you're acting like I wanted to destroy the house.
Cameron: No. I just think it's odd that the majority of things you destroyed were sent to us by my mom.
Mitchell: Okay, okay, okay. So while I'm fighting off that filthy creature, I actually stop and say, "Oh, you know what, here's the opportunity I've always been looking for to destroy our kitschiest objects."
Cameron: Kitschiest? Oh, she's gonna love that. You know, if you would've come with me to the wedding, none of this would have happened.
Mitchell: Okay. So you are angry.
Cameron: Mitchell, I get it. You're terrified of small talk and birds. You're just lucky that pigeon didn't want to chat you up about the weather.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Oh, God. Oh, you look like the guy from Dance Fever.
Phil: Thank you.
Jay: Deney Terrio. Cleveland, Ohio.
Claire: Dad, really? That is not a compliment. That's why I wanted you to try those on earlier. Turn around.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: The box is across the yard.
Claire: You mean your now-soaking-wet yard? That's great. We are screwed.
Phil: No, we're not. We haven't unwrapped our secret weapon yet. Luke walks over there, Hurt Locker style flips the switch, and boom- or not boom- water off. Put the "he" in "hero," Son.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hurt Locker? It's more like Squirt Locker. Really? That wasn't funny? I actually pity you guys.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Back in '68, when I was sweeping up hair in that barbershop, I had this mental picture of the family that, if I was lucky enough, one day I would end up with- perfect wife, perfect kids. Guess what. I didn't get any of that. Wound up with this sorry bunch. And I'm thankful for that every day. Well, most days.
Luke: I think I'm just gonna go with the Elvis stuff.
Jay: Yeah. I would.


 Episode 123 Episode 201 
  Select another episode