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36Quotes from ‘Family Portrait’

Modern Family: Family Portrait

124. Family Portrait

Aired May 19, 2010

Claire's perfectionism drives everyone crazy when she arranges for a family portrait to be taken. Phil and Alex join Gloria and Manny at a Lakers game, leading to an awkward moment on the "kiss cam". When Cameron gets a gig as a wedding singer, Mitchell doesn't want to go and have to make small talk, so he stays home and deals with Lily and a stray pigeon. Meanwhile, Luke interviews Jay for a school project.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Kobe! Kobe, over here!
Kobe Bryant: What can I do for you?
Phil: Do you like being a basketball player?
Kobe Bryant: Serious?
Phil: I choked. I didn't think you'd look up here at me.
Kobe Bryant: Little preparation next time. It's a mental game.
Phil: Duly noted.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Ah, this is ridiculous. You're both uptight about everything. You didn't want to go to a wedding with him because you didn't want to make small talk? That's how I met Gloria. Do you remember the first thing I said to you?
Gloria: Yes. "I like chocolate, I like fruit, but not together."
Jay: You couldn't come up with that, lvy League? And you. You would be a lot happier if you weren't so obsessed with everything being perfect. Look at us here all in white. What are we, a cricket team? News flash. Life is not perfect, Claire. Now calm the hell down.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Ordinarily, I'm a rule follower, but when someone tells me I can't bring my own snacks into their stadium, that's when I get a little nuts. [crinkling] It's a free country, right? Let's just say it ruffles me [crinkling] When some goobers tell me [crinkling] I have to spend half my payday [crinkling]. On their hot dogs. [crinkling]

Quote from Phil

Claire: And, sweetie, did you have a chance to try on the white pants I put in your closet?
Phil: Oh, what do they look like?
Claire: Is there really a more clear way to describe white pants? Sweetie, if they don't fit you, you're going to be the only one not wearing white, and then you're gonna stand out like "Where's Waldo?"
Phil: Actually, "Where's Waldo?" Doesn't stand out. He's super hard to find. That's the challenge.
Claire: This portrait is incredibly important to me.
Phil: Also, his name is just "Waldo."

Quote from Jay

Jay: Where's my good underwear?
Gloria: The question is, why isn't all your underwear good, Jay? You make a nice living.
Jay: The new maid keeps mixing up my underwear with Manny's. Put on the first thing I grabbed. It was like a crotch tourniquet.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] I have been hired to sing at a wedding this weekend. I was plucked from obscurity after a particularly stirring karaoke performance. So I guess you could say I'm a professional singer now.
Mitchell: Well, they're paying you in flowers, so-
Cameron: Well, I would've blown the money on flowers anyway. They're saving me a step. Plus all the great divas are rewarded in flowers.
Mitchell: They're also given paychecks.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [answering phone] Hello?
Mitchell: There is a pigeon in our house. What do I do? What do I do?
Cameron: Who is this?
Mitchell: Never funny. Not funny now.
Cameron: Calm down. You know I grew up around many animals. One time, a rooster attacked me, and my mom wrung its neck, and we had it for dinner.
Mitchell: Great time for an anecdote. Help me.
Cameron: It's more afraid of you than you are of it.
Mitchell: Pigeons aren't scared of anything. They stand on electrical wires.

Quote from Alex

Manny: Cool. The kiss cam. Wouldn't it be embarrassing if the camera was on us and then the crowd started-
Alex: We're related.
Manny: Not by blood.
Alex: Touch me and there will be blood.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Here's the thing. The kiss cam is only supposed to be for the enjoyment of the people at the game. They never show that on TV. What people do in the privacy of their own sports arena should be their own business.

Quote from Jay

Jay: So in '66, I worked in my grandfather's office supply business- your ink, your staples, your legal pads. Am I going too fast for you?
Luke: I fell asleep for a second. Did you do anything interesting in the '60s?
Jay: Well, one summer, I swept up hair at my other grandfather's barbershop.
Luke: You're killing me.
Jay: What do you want?
Luke: I don't know. Brian Beckwith's grandfather marched on Washington.
Jay: Artie Beckwith? He couldn't walk two feet without complaining. He marched on Washington?
Luke: He told Brian he did. With Martin Luther King Jr.
Jay: Martin Luther King? Guess who cut his hair.
Luke: What?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Do you know who cut Martin Luther King Jr.'s hair? Neither does Luke's teacher.

Quote from Jay

Luke: So the barbershop was in Washington?
Jay: Okay.
Luke: Did you cut any other famous hair?
Jay: Oh, yeah. The Kennedys, Richard Nixon, all the astronauts. How do you think Buzz Aldrin got his nickname?
Luke: Awesome.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Then one day, Wilt Chamberlain shows up. He says, "Can you take a little off the top for my friend here?" And it's Elvis.
Luke: No way.
Jay: Greatest singer that ever lived, after Sinatra. I'll fight any man who says different.
Luke: My dad says the greatest singer who ever lived is Peabo Bryson.
Jay: Then I guess I gotta fight your dad.
Luke: Yeah, I guess.

Quote from Claire

Luke: It's hard to breathe.
Claire: Oh, you're fine.
Jay: What'd you do to him? He's turning blue.
Claire: But his clothes will stay white.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, you're acting like I wanted to destroy the house.
Cameron: No. I just think it's odd that the majority of things you destroyed were sent to us by my mom.
Mitchell: Okay, okay, okay. So while I'm fighting off that filthy creature, I actually stop and say, "Oh, you know what, here's the opportunity I've always been looking for to destroy our kitschiest objects."
Cameron: Kitschiest? Oh, she's gonna love that. You know, if you would've come with me to the wedding, none of this would have happened.
Mitchell: Okay. So you are angry.
Cameron: Mitchell, I get it. You're terrified of small talk and birds. You're just lucky that pigeon didn't want to chat you up about the weather.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Oh, God. Oh, you look like the guy from Dance Fever.
Phil: Thank you.
Jay: Deney Terrio. Cleveland, Ohio.
Claire: Dad, really? That is not a compliment. That's why I wanted you to try those on earlier. Turn around.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: The box is across the yard.
Claire: You mean your now-soaking-wet yard? That's great. We are screwed.
Phil: No, we're not. We haven't unwrapped our secret weapon yet. Luke walks over there, Hurt Locker style flips the switch, and boom- or not boom- water off. Put the "he" in "hero," Son.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hurt Locker? It's more like Squirt Locker. Really? That wasn't funny? I actually pity you guys.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Back in '68, when I was sweeping up hair in that barbershop, I had this mental picture of the family that, if I was lucky enough, one day I would end up with- perfect wife, perfect kids. Guess what. I didn't get any of that. Wound up with this sorry bunch. And I'm thankful for that every day. Well, most days.
Luke: I think I'm just gonna go with the Elvis stuff.
Jay: Yeah. I would.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You gotta talk to her.
Gloria: Why me?
Jay: Hola. You both speak the same language.
Gloria: She's Portuguese. Do you know how offensive it is that you put all of us in the same mixing pot? [doorbell rings]
Jay: Sorry. Please apologize to her when you tell her not to put my underwear-
Gloria: I can't talk to her!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Where's Luke?
Alex: I'm going instead.
Phil: Luke suddenly remembered a school project due tomorrow.
Jay: Oh, that's tough. But it's a good lesson for the kid. You know, you make a commitment, you gotta follow through. What is the project?
Phil: He has to interview somebody who lived through the 1960s.
Jay: Oh, no. [answers cell phone] Hello. Yeah, Luke. Oh, sure. I remember what I said. Yeah, come on over. All right.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Manny, vamos!
Manny: I'm still getting dressed. Hey, Mom, I think my diet's working. My underwear won't stay up.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Okay, here's my idea. I'm really excited about it. The whole extended family, all dressed in white, in a single-file line down the staircase.
Phil: Oh, like a line on the highway.
Claire: No.
Phil: Or, uh, a ski jump.
Claire: No. Why- Why would I want a ski jump?
Phil: I don't know. My idea was to have the whole family in a giant bed, like in Willy Wonka.
Claire: Yeah, but that's ridiculous.
Phil: "Ridiculicious."

Quote from Claire

Haley: What is the big deal about this one picture?
Claire: Honey, you know what, I don't expect you to understand, but- All right, when you're a mom, everything goes by so quickly. In a minute, Luke's gonna be shaving, and Alex is gonna be off at college, and you're gonna be- You'll be doing something great. I just wanna freeze this moment as it is right now. You know?
Haley: I do. I know I don't show it, but this family's still the most important thing-
Claire: Screw it. I'm gonna fix the bastard. I mean, seriously, how hard can it be? If your father can do it, I can do it. Right?

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Why you have candy coming out of your pocket?
Phil: No, no, no, no, no. I brought my own snacks. Not because I'm cheap. It's a matter of principle. Plus I get a little rush from the danger. Be cool. Be cool.
Gloria: What?
Phil: Be cool. Just look straight ahead. I never felt more alive. Whoo!

Quote from Claire

Claire: I'm gonna call your dad, and he's gonna tell me how to fix this.
Haley: Oh, my God! It's Dad.
Claire: Where?
Haley: Right there, behind Kobe.
Claire: Oh, Kobe? How weird is this! Quick. Quick, tell me something to say that will freak him out.
Haley: Tell him I'm pregnant.
Claire: No, not gonna say that. [line ringing] Okay, here we go. How funny is this!
[Claire sees Phil look at his phone, reject the call and put it back in his pocket]
Haley: Well, that was pretty funny.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: What's wrong with you?
Phil: It's the kiss cam. When it lands on you, you're supposed to kiss. This is my wife's dad's second wife. So legally okay, but still weird. [crowd boos] That was awkward. And we're back. [crowd boos]
Gloria: Oh. Ay. Come on. It's not a big deal. [Gloria kisses Phil, crowd cheers]

Quote from Alex

Alex: Dad, Mom saw you on TV. You're dead.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Luke says Grandpa wants to fight you.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Why does everything have to suck?
Haley: Let's just do the picture another day. I think I'm getting a pimple.
Claire: No. Do you know how long it took me to book this photographer? Maybe by the fireplace.
Haley: Yeah. That's a classic old-person spot for a portrait.
Claire: Yeah, if I'd ever bothered to paint that hideous wall.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire is a perfectionist, which sometimes is a good thing, like when it comes to picking a husband. [chuckles] Sometimes it's a bad thing, like when everyone else sees something beautiful and all she sees is the teeny-tiny flaw.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, there's my beautiful wife. I know you're mad at me, and I know this foam finger can't make up for everything.
Claire: Honey, you just go change, and we'll talk about what you did later.
Phil: Hey, thank you so much for those tickets.
Jay: Gloria tells me you had a real good time.
Phil: Not really. No, I didn't. God, I love your daughter. [trips] Oh! I should- I should come by and kiss that step- fix that step.

Quote from Claire

Haley: The picture can't happen today. My pimple's getting worse.
Claire: Oh, honey, I am so sorry. Can you stand?
Haley: Yeah.
Claire: Well, then the picture's happening.

Quote from Claire

Jay: Be careful. I stained some furniture out there this afternoon.
Claire: Of course you did, Dad. Anything else I need to know about? Maybe the neighbors on either side are having a paintball fight.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: Oh, my God! Are you kidding me?
Jay: How do- How do you turn the sprinklers off?
Gloria: Ay. Of course! Because I'm Latina, I'm supposed to know everything about gardening and sprinklers!
Jay: You were here when they installed it.
Gloria: Ay, yeah.

Quote from Gloria

Phil: I don't want to look at this picture when I'm 80 years old and you're long dead and know that you were angry at me when we took it.
Claire: Phil, we'll talk about what you did later.
Photographer: Okay, everybody. Eyes over here.
Phil: I didn't do anything. She kissed me.
Claire: What? Who kissed you?
Phil: Gloria.
Jay: What?
Gloria: It was the kiss cam.
Jay: Why did you kiss Cam?
Gloria: No, I kissed Phil. He told me I had to.

Quote from Cameron

Claire: Uh, to the right. To the right. A skosh to the left. There we go. [inhales] Whatever. I'm gonna have to take the picture down when I repaint the wall anyhow.
Phil: Kill me now.


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