Phil: Kobe! Kobe, over here!
Kobe Bryant: What can I do for you?
Phil: Do you like being a basketball player?
Kobe Bryant: Serious?
Phil: I choked. I didn't think you'd look up here at me.
Kobe Bryant: Little preparation next time. It's a mental game.
Phil: Duly noted.

Jay: Ah, this is ridiculous. You're both uptight about everything. You didn't want to go to a wedding with him because you didn't want to make small talk? That's how I met Gloria. Do you remember the first thing I said to you?
Gloria: Yes. "I like chocolate, I like fruit, but not together."
Jay: You couldn't come up with that, lvy League? And you. You would be a lot happier if you weren't so obsessed with everything being perfect. Look at us here all in white. What are we, a cricket team? News flash. Life is not perfect, Claire. Now calm the hell down.

Cameron: [answering phone] Hello?
Mitchell: There is a pigeon in our house. What do I do? What do I do?
Cameron: Who is this?
Mitchell: Never funny. Not funny now.
Cameron: Calm down. You know I grew up around many animals. One time, a rooster attacked me, and my mom wrung its neck, and we had it for dinner.
Mitchell: Great time for an anecdote. Help me.
Cameron: It's more afraid of you than you are of it.
Mitchell: Pigeons aren't scared of anything. They stand on electrical wires.

Jay: Back in '68, when I was sweeping up hair in that barbershop, I had this mental picture of the family that, if I was lucky enough, one day I would end up with- perfect wife, perfect kids. Guess what. I didn't get any of that. Wound up with this sorry bunch. And I'm thankful for that every day. Well, most days.
Luke: I think I'm just gonna go with the Elvis stuff.
Jay: Yeah. I would.

Phil: [aside to camera] Ordinarily, I'm a rule follower, but when someone tells me I can't bring my own snacks into their stadium, that's when I get a little nuts. [crinkling] It's a free country, right? Let's just say it ruffles me [crinkling] When some goobers tell me [crinkling] I have to spend half my payday [crinkling]. On their hot dogs. [crinkling]

Claire: And, sweetie, did you have a chance to try on the white pants I put in your closet?
Phil: Oh, what do they look like?
Claire: Is there really a more clear way to describe white pants? Sweetie, if they don't fit you, you're going to be the only one not wearing white, and then you're gonna stand out like "Where's Waldo?"
Phil: Actually, "Where's Waldo?" Doesn't stand out. He's super hard to find. That's the challenge.
Claire: This portrait is incredibly important to me.
Phil: Also, his name is just "Waldo."

Jay: Where's my good underwear?
Gloria: The question is, why isn't all your underwear good, Jay? You make a nice living.
Jay: The new maid keeps mixing up my underwear with Manny's. Put on the first thing I grabbed. It was like a crotch tourniquet.

Cameron: [aside to camera] I have been hired to sing at a wedding this weekend. I was plucked from obscurity after a particularly stirring karaoke performance. So I guess you could say I'm a professional singer now.
Mitchell: Well, they're paying you in flowers, so-
Cameron: Well, I would've blown the money on flowers anyway. They're saving me a step. Plus all the great divas are rewarded in flowers.
Mitchell: They're also given paychecks.

Phil: [aside to camera] Here's the thing. The kiss cam is only supposed to be for the enjoyment of the people at the game. They never show that on TV. What people do in the privacy of their own sports arena should be their own business.

Jay: So in '66, I worked in my grandfather's office supply business- your ink, your staples, your legal pads. Am I going too fast for you?
Luke: I fell asleep for a second. Did you do anything interesting in the '60s?
Jay: Well, one summer, I swept up hair at my other grandfather's barbershop.
Luke: You're killing me.
Jay: What do you want?
Luke: I don't know. Brian Beckwith's grandfather marched on Washington.
Jay: Artie Beckwith? He couldn't walk two feet without complaining. He marched on Washington?
Luke: He told Brian he did. With Martin Luther King Jr.
Jay: Martin Luther King? Guess who cut his hair.
Luke: What?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Do you know who cut Martin Luther King Jr.'s hair? Neither does Luke's teacher.