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‘He Said, She Shed’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Modern Family: He Said, She Shed

911. He Said, She Shed

Aired January 3, 2018

Claire's request to build a "She Shed" in their backyard is denied by the homeowners' association, but Phil learns there was foul play involved. Jay gets overly involved when Joe shows a knack for golfing, but Gloria stands back to avoid a repeat of a previous "Tonya Harding" incident. Meanwhile, Pam reveals a family secret to Cameron, leading Mitchell to recommend therapy.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: But Joe worries me because stress can destroy a child. Take it from Cartagena's junior regional backstroke champion.
Manny: You used to swim?
Gloria: Like a cigarette boat fleeing to international waters. But all that stress brought the darkness in me. I started pulling out my hair, and there was an incident.
Manny: What kind of incident?
Gloria: I'm ashamed to admit it, but when I lost one of the big races, I might have hit one of the other swimmers in the leg with a skimmer pole.
Manny: You Tonya Harding-ed another girl?
Gloria: No, in Colombia, they call it the Gloria Ramirez-ing.

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Quote from Gloria

Jay: You know, Gloria, with the right training, this kid could go all the way. Me managing his golf career can be my second act.
Gloria: You're 70. Your second act was two acts ago.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I needed to find a way to spend more quality time with Joe. I couldn't take another Saturday of hide-and-seek. At this point, I've spent more time in the closet than Mitchell. [chuckles]

Quote from Jay

Jay: Okay, Joey, you take this club, and you hit that ball. Any questions?
Joe: Why does this say "Manny"?
Jay: Don't worry about it. They were only used once. It was a swing and a miss for both of us.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, Brady.
Brady: Hey, Jay, what's up? Oh, is this your grandson?
Jay: I can't do this again. This is my son. Just take a look at his swing and tell me what you think.
Brady: Wow. Your mom must be some athlete.
Jay: Just so you know, I'm not a guy who's charmed when the help gets familiar.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Oh, yay, Homeowners Association. I need their approval to put a She Shed in the backyard where the teeter-totter used to be.
Alex: I don't understand.
Phil: She said, "She Shed down by the seesaw."
Luke: How are you not famous?

Quote from Manny

Jay: hy are you making such a big deal about it? It's a- It's a kiddie golf tournament. It's like a- a playdate I don't hate being at.
Gloria: It's a bad idea. What if Joe wants to do something that is less competitive, like reading or papier-mâché?
Jay: Let's not break out the Manny playbook just yet.
Manny: Playbill would've been more cutting. Why am I helping you?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Is this all for Lily's party? You- I thought we were just gonna do pizza and a movie.
Cameron: Okay, there are 12-year-old girls coming over here. Do you remember how mean and judgmental Haley was at that age?
Mitchell: Yeah, I faked being sick that Thanksgiving. I was too scared to eat corn in front of her.
Cameron: Of course you were. The only word she said to me that entire year was "ew."

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know what? If people back home knew I was in a therapist's office, it would be all over the "Rumors and Ramblins" section of the Grasshopper Gazette. "Liberal Left Coast Breaks Local Hero." What are you typing?
Mitchell: Exactly what you just said, but don't worry, it's for my therapy, not yours.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Some people spend their whole lives trying to resolve these things.
Cameron: What would I- What would I even say to her? That my dad left for a year with the town floozy and I thought he was off being a war hero and that I'm an idiot and and that I'm never gonna forgive him? I don't care that he came came back to us. He lied to me, and he let me grow up thinking my mama was the most important thing to him in the world. He's a phony. You know, maybe, you know, he did do the best he he knew how, you know? He always did make me feel safe and and happy. [sobs, voice breaking] Maybe he was just trying to protect me, because he did love me with all of his heart, and, actually, I feel like I know him, like, even better now and love him even more. [gasps] I am the person I am because of all my experiences. And I like me. And I have a daddy to thank for that. Whew. Ooh! Hey! That felt great. Oh, my gosh. I feel healed.
Mitchell: Yeah, well, it's a good start, but therapy really is a-
Dr. Green: No, no, no, no, no, no. That was extraordinary. I have never seen anything like that. He doesn't need me. Here. Have a hard candy and a good life.

Quote from Alex

Phil: How's everybody this fine morning?
Alex: Welp, I'm on my third day of my New Year's Resolution to not say things nobody cares about. Damn it.

Quote from Claire

Alex: Yes, bravo, but what's a She Shed?
Claire: Well, it's just a simple little structure where I can go to be alone and do yoga or meditate and nobody can bother me.
Alex: Oh, so a glass of wine and a cigarette in the tub isn't cutting it anymore?
Claire: I don't smoke, honey. I have a tobacco-scented candle.
Alex: They don't make tobacco-scented-
Claire: This is more of that stuff no one cares about.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Congratulations, honey.
Claire: Don't pretend you're happy for me.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Luke and I wanted to use that space to put in a batting cage. Claire wanted her She Shed. We were in a stalemate, so we settled the dispute like adults.
[cut to Claire and Phil in a blinking war:]
Luke: Come on, Dad. Batting cage.
Phil: I really need to blink, buddy.
Luke: You can blink when you're dead.
Phil: [groans]
Claire: Ah, yes! Yes! All those Magic Eye posters paid off. Ah! I'm gonna get myself one of those fuzzy little rugs.

Quote from Alex

Alex: You know, I find the term "She Shed" offensive. Shouldn't ours just be called a shed and theirs a "He Shed"?
Claire: Why do you bother making resolutions?

Quote from Phil

Claire: This is so frustrating.
Phil: If it's any comfort, you're not the only one to be stung by these people. Their ridiculous parking regulation made me give up my dream of owning the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

Quote from Claire

Alex: I'm really proud of you, Mom. Letting go shows real growth.
Claire: I'm going to that Homeowners Association meeting, and I'm getting my She Shed.
Alex: But you just told Dad-
Claire: I let him do magic. He lets me break promises. We both know what we married.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: You were at the course again? That's every morning this week.
Jay: That's how you make a champion. You should see Joe play. It's like watching Merv Griffin interview. There's a certain finesse to it.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I know you think you have the monopoly on deciding what's best for Joe, but I have parenting instincts, too. I deferred to Dede every single time on Mitch and Claire, and this time I'm going with my gut.
Gloria: Mitch and Claire turned out to be wonderful people.
Jay: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not knocking them. I love all my children equally. [to Manny] Bup, bup, bup, bup! That's winner water.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Whoa, whoa. What's going on, Cam? I was gone for 45 minutes, and now our living room's a beauty salon? What, do you have a pit crew or something?
Cameron: Ooh, look at you using "pit crew" in a sentence like a boy.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Anyway, Lily wants to impress these older girls, so I set up a full-service salon to do makeovers.
Mitchell: And you're qualified to do that because?
Cameron: Okay, my uncle was in the business of mules appear younger for sale, so I think I know a thing or two about hair and make-up.

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