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48Quotes from ‘The Late Show’

Modern Family: The Late Show

505. The Late Show

Aired October 16, 2013

Jay managed to get the family reservations at a hot new restaurant, if they could only get there. Gloria is taking forever to get dressed, Claire and Phil bicker over letting Luke stay home alone, and Mitchell and Cameron having a clothing clash.

Quote from Haley

Haley: I don't get it. Doesn't the wine get the cow drunk?
Manny: Thank you.
Jay: Honest to God. Have neither of you seen a cow? They're huge.
Haley: I bet Tequila would do it quicker.
Jay: It's not the goal to get the cow drunk.

Quote from Phil

Claire: New suit?
Phil: This old thing? Yes, it is. I got it at this hipster place downtown. You like it?
Claire: It's tight.
Phil: Well, the salesman said it was the style, and he looked like a Mumford and Son, so I think he'd know.
Claire: Mm, let's go.
Phil: Whoa. Slow down, Flo Jo.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I don't know if it was the six scotches I drank waiting for everybody, or the fact that I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast. Or the moment Phil's suit finally gave up. They even played my favorite song.
[flashback to Jay singing "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips]
Jay: A train I'd never make unless I told Gloria it left at 11:00.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Manny: I've never seen you so excited about a restaurant.
Jay: I've waited six weeks for this reservation. They have an Australian wagyu beef that's supposed to change your life.
Manny: In the way heart disease changes your life?
Jay: Because you're a pillar of health. They only feed this cow alfalfa, barley, and red wine, and some chef hand-picks each cut, dry ages it 35 days before cooking it to a perfect medium-rare, all for me.
Manny: Doesn't the wine make the cow drunk?
Jay: It's not "The Far Side." The cow doesn't drive anywhere.

Quote from Phil

Haley: What are you doing?
Phil: I'm striking a seductive pose for your mother.
Haley: Gross. But I like the suit. Is that new?
Phil: Oh, yeah. Now that his honey gots her own money, daddy went and snagged hisself some new threads, girl.
Luke: [laughs] Hands down, your funniest voice. Bordering on the offensive.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Honey, what are you still doing here? You're supposed to be babysitting Joe.
Haley: Yeah, but I have to drop off Alex to watch Lily first, and she's still not ready. She can't be concerned about her looks, right?
Alex: [o.s.] I can hear you!
Haley: I'm kidding. I'm just saying, it'd be sad to think she actually tries.
Alex: [o.s.] Heard that, too!
Haley: It was a joke! Man, do big ears actually hear better?
Alex: Oh, my God, just stop talking.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Oh, it's fine. You know what? We have to pick the "Save the Date" card. I'm at a loss.
Mitchell: Can we just do it tomorrow? I hate the way my dad looks at us when we're late, like we're two silly queens blasting disco music, primping, losing track of time.
Cameron: Wow, it gets really busy in that head, huh?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Gloria! Let's go!
Manny: You know she's not here, right?
Jay: What?
Manny: She's having her hair blown out.
Jay: That's a thing? That I pay for?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Gloria's always late. Then I get mad and tell her to hurry. We yell, and it just takes longer. So I promised myself, no matter how late she is, just to take some deep breaths and stay calm. That's the only thing I learned in Lamaze class because we were always late.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I think Luke is scared to be left in the house alone, and he's just pretending to be brave for you.
Phil: Honey, he's 14. We left Alex alone when she was 10.
Claire: We didn't leave her. We forgot her.
Phil: And when we got home, she was fine. Physically. Plus, she's still friends with that sweet 911 operator.

Quote from Luke

Phil: What are you doing?
Claire: Making sure Luke knows what to do in case of emergency.
Phil: Of course he does.
[Claire activates the fire alarm's test mode. It beeps]
Luke: Someone's at the door!
Phil: Luke, it's just your mom testing you.
Luke: Don't worry, Mom. If I hear that while you're gone, I won't answer. I'll just hide where no one can find me.

Quote from Mitchell

Alex: Okay, so how often does this happen?
Mitchell: Too often.
Cameron: Men just don't have that many options. I can't tell you the number of times I've walked by a women's boutique and just thought, "What I would do to have that many choices."
Mitchell: Don't ever say that again. I don't like any part of it. All right, one of us has to change. We look like twin toddlers at church.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Lily, it's time to play "Who Wore It Best?"
Lily: No, I'm not doing this again. I can't.
Mitchell: Fine. Alex.
Alex: Uh, I don't know. Boys' clothes aren't really my thing.
Lily: Really?

Quote from Haley

Haley: Are those for sure the best earrings? They seem to be kind of getting lost.
Gloria: I have the same color in a bigger size.
Haley: How much bigger?
Gloria: Like a meter.
Haley: A meter? That's like a foot.
Manny: Actually, it's like a yard.
Gloria: Oh, sorry- It's like a millimeter.
Manny: You mean a centimeter.
Haley: All this math. Just show me.

Quote from Luke

Claire: So this sound that's the doorbell. That other sound was the smoke alarm.
Luke: Got it.
Claire: Okay, and if you're hungry, don't order a pizza. They don't screen those delivery guys. Half of them are ex-cons.
Phil: Stop it. You're gonna scare him. It's gonna be fine.
Claire: But if you do choke, you've gotta throw yourself against the back of a chair to get the food out.
Phil: He'll just drink stuff.
Claire: Nothing from under the sink.
Luke: Even if it's lemony? I'm just messing with you.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I know this trick, Cam. You take forever to pick out an outfit, knowing very well that I'll say, "Let's just go," because we're late. Meantime, you get credit for offering to change while I'm the one who actually does. As usual.
Cameron: Excuse me. Are you accusing me of manipulating you to get my way?
Mitchell: Actually...
Cameron: Because that's what my mother used to accuse me of, and I got to say that that brings up a lot of stuff with me.
Mitchell: You're crying without tears.
Cameron: Give me a minute.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Why does she do this? We're gonna lose our table. She knows how important it is to me to be on time. This is torture.
Manny: I think you've lost perspective, Jay. You know what I would give to wait around for a woman like that?
Jay: Reel it in, creepy. That's your mother up there.
Gloria: Sorry, sorry. Once I changed the earrings, I had to change the shoes.
Haley: And then I tried on one of Gloria's old dresses, which made me feel like a 10-year-old boy.
Gloria: Ay, your body's beautiful.
Manny: I agree.
Jay: Take it outside the family.

Quote from Gloria

Cameron: Hey, Jay, where's Gloria?
Jay: She's- She was there a second-
Gloria: [making an entrance] There are my boys!
Mitchell: Gloria, you look so pretty.
Cameron: That dress is so beautiful.
Jay: You got to be kidding me.

Quote from Claire

Claire: You let him watch those scary shows with you, and then we leave him home alone at night. Of course he's gonna arm himself.
Phil: He was fine until you gave him your "50 Ways to Die" speech. What was the one about the welcome mat?
Claire: They are highly flammable. For seven to ten people a year, they may as well say, "Welcome to the Morgue."

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Again, dad, sorry we're late.
Cameron: Yeah, you know, Mitchell put on some music, and we were primping and dancing around, and I guess, well, we just lost track of time.
Mitchell: Actually, Dad, what happened was Cam was practicing this trick where he pretends to be accommodating and then magically gets his way.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: Hi, Dad. Where's Gloria?
Jay: She- For the love of-
Gloria: [making an entrance] There you are!
Claire: Wow. Look at that dress.
Phil: Gloria, holy mackerel.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Is it really too much to ask that you consult me before you make such a big decision?
Phil: Claire, when you went back to work, you asked me to take the reins. So I think you need to trust me now. Do you really think I'd put Luke in a dangerous situation? He's my favorite, which I did not just say.
Claire: If anything happens to him-
Phil: It won't. If you haven't noticed, I'm pretty good at this, as hard as it is for you to pay me a compliment.
Claire: Where is that coming from?
Phil: Well, do you like this suit? I wouldn't know because all you said was, "It's tight," and not in a cool black way.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Luke probably would have been fine, and I am having a hard time letting go. And if there's one person in the world I trust, it is you.
Phil: And?
Claire: And you look hot in that suit. When we get home later...
Phil: Okay, you're actually gonna need to stop. This suit can't get any tighter.

Quote from Gloria

Phil: Hey, we're back.
Jay: Nobody goes anywhere. Everybody hold hands, and we go right to the table. Fiona?
Fiona: Actually, we just gave away your table. I'm sorry, but I did warn you about this.
Gloria: Listen to me, Fiorina. This man has been waiting to eat in this restaurant for months! We were all selfish, and we made him late. And maybe I got a little crazy, but I'm gonna think about that later. But he has done nothing wrong! So we're not gonna leave this place until he eats that drunk cow that he can't shut up his mouth about! [Fiona stares Gloria down] Why you haven't moved?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Listen, I'm a realtor, and I work a lot with families, so normally, I dial the sexy back to five, but Claire's been working very hard lately. So tonight... Byoooooop!

Quote from Haley

Phil: Stick around if you want to see your mom's tongue fall out of her mouth.
Haley: Not unless you want to see my lunch fall out of mine.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Why aren't you going with them?
Phil: He wanted to stay home. I said it was okay.
Claire: By himself?
Phil: It's fine. If he's old enough to watch "The Walking Dead" with me-
Claire: He's not.
Phil: Then he's old enough to stay home alone.
Claire: He's not.
Phil: Claire, he's not a little boy anymore.
Luke: [falls off chair] I'm fine.
Phil: See how deep his voice is? [to Luke] Are you okay?!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [phone beeps] Oh, this is Haley. "Be there in 5. Alex took ducking forever."

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Okay, quick. Which one do you like?
Mitchell: Uh, that one.
Cameron: Really? I think you picked too quick.
Mitchell: No, I didn't. I really like that one.
Cameron: I really like this one.
Mitchell: Well, then, why did you ducking ask me?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Hi! Everybody's running like crazy tonight. I took San Vicente thinking that I was gonna save some time, but then they're working on the sewer. So I went around Montana, down Moreno. Ay, but then there's that dip in the road. I always forget about that dip in the road. I hit it so hard that I spilled the coffee all over the car. Did I tell you who I had coffee with?
Jay: [breathes deeply]

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam, come on, let's go.
Cameron: [o.s.] Two seconds.
Mitchell: I thought that being with a man meant that I wouldn't have to wait around like this. I feel cheated. I do.

Quote from Alex

Lily: Let's play dolls.
Alex: Actually, I want to read you one of my favorite books. It's called "Little Women," and it's about four sisters who overcome poverty and the patriarchy-
Lily: Nope! Dolls. This is Ashley. She's a wife.
Alex: Well, I hope that's not the only thing that defines her. Does she have a career?
Lily: Nope, she shops. Where's Haley?

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: How come it takes me five minutes to get ready, and you take forever?
Cameron: Oh, please. I could get ready in five minutes, too, if I dressed like-
Lily: You did it again.
Cameron & Mitchell: Not changing.
Lily: Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a crazy night.
Cameron: No, honey, it's gonna be a bumpy night. Remember, you can't have two dads and make that mistake. Bumpy night.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Haley, Manny knows where all the baby stuff is, and if Joe won't go to bed, just put on Gladys Knight and bounce him around a little bit.
Haley: Oh, you still do that? I loved when you did that with us.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Gloria!
Gloria: What?
Jay: I think the new earrings are really gonna tie your whole outfit together.
Gloria: You're so sweet!
Manny: [to Jay] Wow. That was very mature of you.
Jay: Yeah, well, I'm a lot older now than when she started getting dressed.

Quote from Alex

Alex: "'Christmas won't be Christmas without any presents,' grumbled Jo. 'It's so dreadful to be poor,' sighed-"
Lily: Stop! I hate this. Can I put makeup on you?
Alex: Why does everyone ask me that?

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: What did you do? What did you do?!
Mitchell: Come on! You can't possibly think-
Cameron: You shook this can so you could wear the outfit that I wanted to wear? That is exactly what I think!
Mitchell: That is insane. You saw me take it from the refrigerator and bring it to you.
Cameron: Did I? Or were you out of my sight for the two seconds that it took you to get from the refrigerator to here, which would have given you exactly the right amount of time to shake the can?
Mitchell: Nice theory, Nancy Grace, but I'm not that petty.
Cameron: Okay, you two. Did you see anything?
Lily: Just pretend you're coloring.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Why isn't Luke picking up?
Phil: It's hard to reach the phone when you're tied up by a recently paroled pizza guy.
Claire: Ha ha. You're very funny.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I like to make an entrance.
Jay: What's that, now?
Gloria: I like the part where I go in, and everybody's waiting for me, and they say, "Gloria, you look so pretty, and that dress is so beautiful." Is that so bad?
Jay: I don't love it.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You monster!
Mitchell: What? Oh, this? Well, you know, you couldn't wear it, so I figured, what's the harm?
Cameron: Okay, you know what? I will go over there, and I will be as socially magnetic as I always am. We will put this on the back burner, but underneath, I want you to know, I am fuming.

Quote from Phil

Claire: We're so sorry we're late. We had to drop Luke off at your place. Phil wanted him to stay home alone, but he got scared.
Phil: Man, I can't wait to get some food in my mouth and yours.

Quote from Haley

Gloria: Poor Haley. What is she going to do with all those boys?
[cut to Haley singing, with Luke and Manny providing backing vocals:]
Haley: I'll be with him I know you will On that midnight train to Georgia Leaving on the midnight train to Georgia Hey, hey, hey Whoo, Whoo!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: So, it is still our wedding. I wasn't sure I was even invited because you keep asking for my opinion and then doing the exact opposite.
Cameron: That's one thing.
Mitchell: What about the music?
Cameron: I think our love deserves a band, not a D.J.
Mitchell: The tablecloths.
Cameron: They make sneakers out of that fabric.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: You won't let me pick one thing, and you want to know why?
Cameron: Because I have better taste than you.
Mitchell: [gasps] I was gonna say because you're a control freak.
Cameron: [gasps]
Mitchell: And how can you think that I have bad taste? We chose the exact same outfit.
Cameron: Did we? I wore fun loafers. You wore sensible Oxfords. Your collar's buttoned down. Mine's a more current widespread. And I chose a bold pocket square to bring out the stripe in the shirt, all of which you wouldn't have thought of because, well, I've already said.
Mitchell: You don't like my Oxfords?
Cameron: I'm sorry. I'm being harsh. They're fine.
Mitchell: Thank you.
Cameron: For a small-town detective. Okay, look. I can't help myself. I did it again. So, I-I don't love them. But I do love you. And I don't want you to feel left out.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Can you just do one thing for me?
Mitchell: Sure.
Cameron: Just be honest, and I'll let this go forever. Did you shake that can?
Mitchell: No.
Cameron: I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Thank God. Here they are. Fiona, we're all here.
Claire: Actually, Dad, we could use a moment.
Jay: I'm going to eat my hand.

Quote from Alex

Alex: "Jo immediately sat up, put her hands in her pockets, and began to whistle. 'Don't, Jo. It's so boyish.' 'That's why I do it.' 'I detest rude, unladylike girls.' 'I hate affected, niminy-piminy chits.'" Okay, this stinks. I give up.
Lily: Thank God.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Last night, I had the greatest meal I've ever had, and it never would have happened if Gloria hadn't got us kicked out of that snooty restaurant.
[flashback:]
Jay: Tacos.
Mitchell: Tacos.
Jay: I need a taco.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Here you go. I didn't know what you wanted to drink, so I just got you this soda.
Mitchell: That's fine. Thank you. Cam, what did you do?
Cameron: I did exactly what you did because I know you so well.
Mitchell: I didn't shake the soda.
Cameron: Then you have nothing to worry about, so go ahead and open it.
Mitchell: I shook it, okay? I shook the soda. I shook it up! Are you happy? It was petty and stupid and awful. I'm sorry.
Cameron: [opens the can without incident]
Mitchell: Damn it.
Cameron: Ah.


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