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‘The Late Show’ Quotes

Modern Family: The Late Show

505. The Late Show

Aired October 16, 2013

Jay managed to get the family reservations at a hot new restaurant, if they could only get there. Gloria is taking forever to get dressed, Claire and Phil bicker over letting Luke stay home alone, and Mitchell and Cameron having a clothing clash.

Quote from Haley

Haley: I don't get it. Doesn't the wine get the cow drunk?
Manny: Thank you.
Jay: Honest to God. Have neither of you seen a cow? They're huge.
Haley: I bet Tequila would do it quicker.
Jay: It's not the goal to get the cow drunk.

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Quote from Phil

Claire: New suit?
Phil: This old thing? Yes, it is. I got it at this hipster place downtown. You like it?
Claire: It's tight.
Phil: Well, the salesman said it was the style, and he looked like a Mumford and Son, so I think he'd know.
Claire: Mm, let's go.
Phil: Whoa. Slow down, Flo Jo.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I don't know if it was the six scotches I drank waiting for everybody, or the fact that I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast. Or the moment Phil's suit finally gave up. They even played my favorite song.
[flashback to Jay singing "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips]
Jay: A train I'd never make unless I told Gloria it left at 11:00.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Manny: I've never seen you so excited about a restaurant.
Jay: I've waited six weeks for this reservation. They have an Australian wagyu beef that's supposed to change your life.
Manny: In the way heart disease changes your life?
Jay: Because you're a pillar of health. They only feed this cow alfalfa, barley, and red wine, and some chef hand-picks each cut, dry ages it 35 days before cooking it to a perfect medium-rare, all for me.
Manny: Doesn't the wine make the cow drunk?
Jay: It's not "The Far Side." The cow doesn't drive anywhere.

Quote from Phil

Haley: What are you doing?
Phil: I'm striking a seductive pose for your mother.
Haley: Gross. But I like the suit. Is that new?
Phil: Oh, yeah. Now that his honey gots her own money, daddy went and snagged hisself some new threads, girl.
Luke: [laughs] Hands down, your funniest voice. Bordering on the offensive.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Honey, what are you still doing here? You're supposed to be babysitting Joe.
Haley: Yeah, but I have to drop off Alex to watch Lily first, and she's still not ready. She can't be concerned about her looks, right?
Alex: [o.s.] I can hear you!
Haley: I'm kidding. I'm just saying, it'd be sad to think she actually tries.
Alex: [o.s.] Heard that, too!
Haley: It was a joke! Man, do big ears actually hear better?
Alex: Oh, my God, just stop talking.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Oh, it's fine. You know what? We have to pick the "Save the Date" card. I'm at a loss.
Mitchell: Can we just do it tomorrow? I hate the way my dad looks at us when we're late, like we're two silly queens blasting disco music, primping, losing track of time.
Cameron: Wow, it gets really busy in that head, huh?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Gloria! Let's go!
Manny: You know she's not here, right?
Jay: What?
Manny: She's having her hair blown out.
Jay: That's a thing? That I pay for?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Gloria's always late. Then I get mad and tell her to hurry. We yell, and it just takes longer. So I promised myself, no matter how late she is, just to take some deep breaths and stay calm. That's the only thing I learned in Lamaze class because we were always late.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I think Luke is scared to be left in the house alone, and he's just pretending to be brave for you.
Phil: Honey, he's 14. We left Alex alone when she was 10.
Claire: We didn't leave her. We forgot her.
Phil: And when we got home, she was fine. Physically. Plus, she's still friends with that sweet 911 operator.

Quote from Luke

Phil: What are you doing?
Claire: Making sure Luke knows what to do in case of emergency.
Phil: Of course he does.
[Claire activates the fire alarm's test mode. It beeps]
Luke: Someone's at the door!
Phil: Luke, it's just your mom testing you.
Luke: Don't worry, Mom. If I hear that while you're gone, I won't answer. I'll just hide where no one can find me.

Quote from Mitchell

Alex: Okay, so how often does this happen?
Mitchell: Too often.
Cameron: Men just don't have that many options. I can't tell you the number of times I've walked by a women's boutique and just thought, "What I would do to have that many choices."
Mitchell: Don't ever say that again. I don't like any part of it. All right, one of us has to change. We look like twin toddlers at church.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Lily, it's time to play "Who Wore It Best?"
Lily: No, I'm not doing this again. I can't.
Mitchell: Fine. Alex.
Alex: Uh, I don't know. Boys' clothes aren't really my thing.
Lily: Really?

Quote from Haley

Haley: Are those for sure the best earrings? They seem to be kind of getting lost.
Gloria: I have the same color in a bigger size.
Haley: How much bigger?
Gloria: Like a meter.
Haley: A meter? That's like a foot.
Manny: Actually, it's like a yard.
Gloria: Oh, sorry- It's like a millimeter.
Manny: You mean a centimeter.
Haley: All this math. Just show me.

Quote from Luke

Claire: So this sound that's the doorbell. That other sound was the smoke alarm.
Luke: Got it.
Claire: Okay, and if you're hungry, don't order a pizza. They don't screen those delivery guys. Half of them are ex-cons.
Phil: Stop it. You're gonna scare him. It's gonna be fine.
Claire: But if you do choke, you've gotta throw yourself against the back of a chair to get the food out.
Phil: He'll just drink stuff.
Claire: Nothing from under the sink.
Luke: Even if it's lemony? I'm just messing with you.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I know this trick, Cam. You take forever to pick out an outfit, knowing very well that I'll say, "Let's just go," because we're late. Meantime, you get credit for offering to change while I'm the one who actually does. As usual.
Cameron: Excuse me. Are you accusing me of manipulating you to get my way?
Mitchell: Actually...
Cameron: Because that's what my mother used to accuse me of, and I got to say that that brings up a lot of stuff with me.
Mitchell: You're crying without tears.
Cameron: Give me a minute.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Why does she do this? We're gonna lose our table. She knows how important it is to me to be on time. This is torture.
Manny: I think you've lost perspective, Jay. You know what I would give to wait around for a woman like that?
Jay: Reel it in, creepy. That's your mother up there.
Gloria: Sorry, sorry. Once I changed the earrings, I had to change the shoes.
Haley: And then I tried on one of Gloria's old dresses, which made me feel like a 10-year-old boy.
Gloria: Ay, your body's beautiful.
Manny: I agree.
Jay: Take it outside the family.

Quote from Gloria

Cameron: Hey, Jay, where's Gloria?
Jay: She's- She was there a second-
Gloria: [making an entrance] There are my boys!
Mitchell: Gloria, you look so pretty.
Cameron: That dress is so beautiful.
Jay: You got to be kidding me.

Quote from Claire

Claire: You let him watch those scary shows with you, and then we leave him home alone at night. Of course he's gonna arm himself.
Phil: He was fine until you gave him your "50 Ways to Die" speech. What was the one about the welcome mat?
Claire: They are highly flammable. For seven to ten people a year, they may as well say, "Welcome to the Morgue."

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Again, dad, sorry we're late.
Cameron: Yeah, you know, Mitchell put on some music, and we were primping and dancing around, and I guess, well, we just lost track of time.
Mitchell: Actually, Dad, what happened was Cam was practicing this trick where he pretends to be accommodating and then magically gets his way.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: Hi, Dad. Where's Gloria?
Jay: She- For the love of-
Gloria: [making an entrance] There you are!
Claire: Wow. Look at that dress.
Phil: Gloria, holy mackerel.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Is it really too much to ask that you consult me before you make such a big decision?
Phil: Claire, when you went back to work, you asked me to take the reins. So I think you need to trust me now. Do you really think I'd put Luke in a dangerous situation? He's my favorite, which I did not just say.
Claire: If anything happens to him-
Phil: It won't. If you haven't noticed, I'm pretty good at this, as hard as it is for you to pay me a compliment.
Claire: Where is that coming from?
Phil: Well, do you like this suit? I wouldn't know because all you said was, "It's tight," and not in a cool black way.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Luke probably would have been fine, and I am having a hard time letting go. And if there's one person in the world I trust, it is you.
Phil: And?
Claire: And you look hot in that suit. When we get home later...
Phil: Okay, you're actually gonna need to stop. This suit can't get any tighter.

Quote from Gloria

Phil: Hey, we're back.
Jay: Nobody goes anywhere. Everybody hold hands, and we go right to the table. Fiona?
Fiona: Actually, we just gave away your table. I'm sorry, but I did warn you about this.
Gloria: Listen to me, Fiorina. This man has been waiting to eat in this restaurant for months! We were all selfish, and we made him late. And maybe I got a little crazy, but I'm gonna think about that later. But he has done nothing wrong! So we're not gonna leave this place until he eats that drunk cow that he can't shut up his mouth about! [Fiona stares Gloria down] Why you haven't moved?


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