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44Quotes from ‘The Musical Man’

Modern Family: The Musical Man

219. The Musical Man

Aired April 13, 2011

Cameron goes overboard when he's put in charge of the spring musical at Luke and Manny's school. Phil gets ad featuring his family plastered on the minivan. Meanwhile, Jay tries to bond with his brother Donnie.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, I had no idea. I had no idea I was surrounded by a bunch of quitters. This production was a joke until I introduced these children to the musical theater greats Bernstein, Sondheim. Years from now, some of these kids will still be talking about the way I Sondheimized them.
Mitchell: Ooh, I don't think that's a good way of saying... Okay.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Do you think that the kids are gonna be able to learn it by tonight? Maybe you should stick with something they already know.
Cameron: I knew this would happen! Why do you have to throw a wet blanket on my dreams?
Mitchell: I do not.
Cameron: You do it all the time. And you know what I end up with? Wet dreams! I heard it as soon as I said it. Just leave it alone.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Excuse me. I'm so sorry. I never do this with celebrities but are you by any chance the foxy mom in the new Horizon Realty ad?
Claire: Am I gonna regret doing that?
Phil: Did the Marlboro Man have any regrets?

Quote from Phil

Alex: Dad, your phone's been buzzing like crazy.
Phil: Sweet Lorna Doone. Nineteen missed calls? I wonder who's... [answering phone] Phil Dunphy. You saw the ad? Great. Do you know what you're looking for? The little one. I think I know which one you're talking about. Um, if you're interested, I also have an older model with a lot of character. What? I think the carpet matches the drapes. I haven't checked in a while. Both of them? Wow. Well, I guess that makes sense if you're planning to flip one. Listen, um, why don't I call you back? We'll set up an appointment. It will give me a chance to give them both a good scrubbing. All right. Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.

Quote from Phil

Phil: This ad is perfect. See, I'm not just selling houses, I'm selling myself and the best part about me is my family. And my teeth. And both are on display in this ad.
Claire: Mmm.
Luke: "I can't be satisfied until you're satisfied"?
Phil: Coming soon to a bus bench near you. Not to mention our minivan.
Claire: So that's really happening?
Haley: Wait, what's happening to our minivan?
Phil: Having this bad boy shrink-wrapped on it.
Luke: Classy.
Phil: Yep. Now all that driving around your mom does will serve a purpose.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh. Today's the big day. Let's take a look, see how she did.
Haley: Do we really have to look at them now?
Phil: Don't worry. We're not expecting any miracles.
Haley: Thank you.
Claire: Are those Haley's scores? Are you sure?
Haley: Are they bad?
Claire: No. They're not bad.
Haley: Are they good?
Claire: No, they're average. Sweetie, we did it. Our baby is average.
Phil: Medium five.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [singing, playing keyboard] From Zimbabwe to Algeria Come on, let me hear ya These are the countries These are the countries
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Cam recently became Franklin Middle School's interim musical director.
Cameron: Go, Franklin! I was volunteering for their spring musical festival when their regular director suddenly and mysteriously became ill. It may have been a blessing. Their show lacked focus. I gave it a theme a musical trip around the world.
Mitchell: Yeah, see, he focused it by making it about the world.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Only Dad can make our minivan even lamer.
Claire: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Haley: I'm driving this thing to the reservoir. Just jump when I say jump.
Claire: Honey, slide over.
Haley: How is this stupid ad supposed to sell houses anyway?
Claire: You heard your father. He's not just selling houses, he's selling us.
Haley: What are my friends gonna think?
Claire: They're gonna think that you're helping your father put food on the table.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Ay, is the chair broken?
Jay: Almost. That cheap, freeloading brother of mine can't keep his hands off my good Scotch. So you see, I've placed that Scotch there. My brother sits in this chair, goes out from under him. Bam. Masterpiece.
Gloria: So you make your brother fall and spill his drink?
Jay: Well, I don't want to jinx it, but that's the plan.
Gloria: Why are you both so mean? Where I come from, brothers respect each other.
Jay: That's why Colombia's such a peaceful utopia.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: And as the music swells we reveal our letters spelling "We love the world." Powerful stuff. And then the majestic Franklin Middle School insignia will drop into position if Reuben ever finishes painting it. It's not the Sistine Chapel, Reuben.

Quote from Manny

Mitchell: What's up?
Manny: Okay, you gotta talk to Cam. He's driving us crazy. Kevin is biting his nails again. And Reuben hasn't had a bowel movement in a week. Don't laugh. That's how Elvis died.

Quote from Alex

Luke: China sure was fun. And look, there's merry old England.
Alex: Has anyone here ever seen a globe?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay. All right. That one was my fault, but Joan of Arc's gonna be just fine.
Manny: It's not gonna be much fun doing the show without Emma.
Delroy: Maybe we should just stop this.
Cameron: No. No. There is a saying in the theater world that-
Manny: "It's not worth dying for"?
Cameron: No. It's that endings make shows. And we've got a great ending. Now get out there and sing your hearts out. Not you, sweetie. You just mouth the words.
Luke: Uncle Cam, both my legs are tingly.
Cameron: We'll cut you down in just a second, Luke, okay? The show must go on. Have fun with it.

Quote from Cameron

Luke: Learning about the world sure was fun. But I'm glad to have my feet back on the ground again.
Kids: [sing] Oh, Egypt is the land where the pyramids stand Which were built by industrious Jews And windmills go round in Holland town Where they all wear wooden shoes These are the things we learned today And there's one last thing we want to say
Claire: "We love the word"?
Cameron: Where's the "L"?
Manny: It's Luke.
Cameron: Lower the insignia. Lower the-
Jay: We love the- What the hell?
Cameron: No. No, no. No. No. No, no. No. No. No, no. No. No. No, no. No.

Quote from Alex

Claire: Okay, Phil, I have been driving around in this all day.
Phil: Well, since, you're mad already why don't you just step over here... And have a look at that.
Haley: [screams]
Claire: Oh, God. My baby.
Haley: I am not getting back in that car!
Claire: How do you think you're gonna get home, honey?
Haley: It doesn't matter. I'll go home with anyone.
Alex: That's what it should say on the van.

Quote from Luke

Cameron: Was it as awful as I think?
Mitchell: Take the flowers.
Cameron: It must have been really hard for you to be supportive while I made a fool out of myself.
Mitchell: Oh. Come here. [Luke claps] Luke, do you mind? We're trying to have a moment here.
Luke: I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes.
Cameron: In his eyes?
Mitchell: Yes.
Cameron: Okay.
Mitchell: We'll get a janitor.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Good morning, family. How are you all doing on this beautiful day?
Claire: Okay, what's this?
Alex: Haley's S.A.T. scores are available online.
Haley: I hate you.

Quote from Alex

Alex: This is just a fluke. She can take them again.
Phil: Yeah, and she'll probably do even better. You are gonna have your choice of some pretty good colleges when the time comes.
Haley: If I go to college.
Claire: What?
Haley: I've been thinking about it lately, and I might not. Later.
Alex: Well, we took the scenic route, but we ended up in the same place.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: All right. Well, Cam, it's just that sometimes you can be a little, you know, overenthusiastic.
Cameron: Is it really that big of a deal that I want this to be the best show in the world?
Mitchell: Well, as long as you heard me.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Be in my corner. Don't be so critical.
Mitchell: What Is that really how you see me?
Cameron: Sometimes, yeah, I do, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Oh, Cam. Well, if that's true, then I'm sorry. No, okay. From now on, I am in your corner, 100%. And that song is gonna knock everyone out.
Cameron: Well, I don't know. But wait till you see the dance I have prepared.
Mitchell: A dance? A dance!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: More toast, Manny?
Manny: Why won't you call me, Emma?
Gloria: More toast, Emma?
Manny: Do you have to be on all the time?
Gloria: Okay, I'm sorry. Who is this Emma?
Manny: She's in the show with me tonight. I'm thinking of taking a run at her.
Gloria: You don't take a run at a woman. You woo her. You make her feel special.
Jay: Hey, hon, take a look at this. It's a picture of my butt.
Gloria: And then when you get her, you can tell her whatever you want.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Why do you do this?
Jay: I programmed it so my butt pops up when my brother Donnie calls. It's a clever way of saying my brother's an ass.
Gloria: Is it?

Quote from Jay

Jay: How you doing, you dumb son of a bitch?
Donnie: Hey, you old mick. Looks like you put on a few pounds.
Jay: Oh, you too. What, are you eating your hair?

Quote from Jay

Donnie: Oh, Gloria. Oh. What are you still doing here? There's gotta be an easier way to get a green card.
Manny: Uncle Donnie, are you coming to my school concert tonight?
Donnie: Well-
Jay: It's an hour, tops.
Donnie: Wouldn't miss it.

Quote from Gloria

Donnie: You still think you can take me?
Jay: Is this all you got, huh?
Donnie: I'm gonna wash your mouth out with fist.
Gloria: [to Manny] I don't understand this relationship, Emma.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Hey, Emma. Doing the show, it feels like we've become like a little family, huh?
Emma: You mean like you're my brother?
Manny: No. No, I don't.
Luke: Oh, no! They're back! Dinosaur arms! This isn't a good time, Luke.
Emma: That is hilarious.
Luke: Half boy, half T. Rex. One foot in both worlds wanted by neither.
Manny: Luke, that's a great way to stretch out a shirt.

Quote from Luke

Cameron: Okay, okay. Break's over, everyone. Let's take it from the top. Listen, we're running 20 minutes long so we're gonna go ahead and cut the Bollywood number.
Delroy: Can I go? I'm late for soccer practice.
Cameron: You know who else missed soccer practice, Delroy? The cast of Rent. And now they have a Tony.
Luke: We have a Tony.
Emma: [laughs] You are so funny.
Manny: Seriously?

Quote from Gloria

Donnie: Hello, ladies.
Jay: Hey, nice shirt. Do they sell men's clothes where you got that?
Gloria: That's funny because woman are so inferior.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: How could you not know that your own brother had a granddaughter?
Jay: I probably knew.
Gloria: How can you forget when he's family? I have 29 cousins, and I know them all. Rosa Marina, Gloria Maria, Veronica, Mariana, Jose, Vicente...
Jay: Okay, okay, okay. What's your point?
Gloria: You do the chair, you do the fighting but you don't know each other. It's sad.
Jay: Look, I may not talk to my brother the way you talk to your sisters but believe me, we're close in our own way.
Gloria: When was the last time that you saw him?
Jay: That's not easy 'cause he lives up... I don't know. See, I wanna say Buffalo.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Donnie, I'm trying to talk to you.
Donnie: Why? Why?
Jay: 'Cause that's what people do. Talk about things, like their lives.
Donnie: Ah, Irene opened her big trap. Look, I'm fine. It's not like I'm gonna die.
Jay: What?
Donnie: Yeah, they caught it early. I took the treatment. I'm clear for now. Come on, it's your shot.
Jay: Caught what early? Donnie, are you talking about [whispers] cancer?
Donnie: You don't have to whisper. I know I got it. You just get your prostate checked. By a doctor, not some guy you met on the Internet.

Quote from Claire

Claire: And there's Frisbee golf, and you go snow sledding on cafeteria trays. Oh, and you all get a dog together. I don't really know who takes care of the dog during the summer but he's there when you get back.
Haley: Geez, maybe you should just go back to college.
Claire: Oh, honey, do you know what I would give to go back? It's this moment when your whole life is in front of you. And it's a magical time. And you don't want to miss that, because when it's gone, it's gone. [car honks] Yeah, yeah.

Quote from Phil

Phil: How about that, huh? You think all these calls are about the ad?
Alex: Yeah. My friend Nicole just sent me a picture of the van.
Phil: I guess I'll be seeing you Wednesdays and every other weekend.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [answering phone] Hello?
Phil: Okay, um, you sound very angry which is completely understandable.
Claire: I'm not angry. I'm just sitting here thinking about college and how life has passed me by.
Phil: Oh, thank God. I'll see you at the show. Love you. Bye. We gotta go.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Surprise! Hi. Your supportive boyfriend dropped by to bring you a snack. P.B. And J.
Cameron: Pear, Brie and jambon. My favorite.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, break's over, people! I wanna do the French Revolution number again. Let's bring out the guillotine. Carefully this time.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You wanna do it the old way with the same tired songs, the same drab choreography the same tepid applause from Mom and Dad? Is that what you want? Just say the word.
All: That's what we want.
Cameron: Well, too bad, people! We're doing it my way! From the top! [to Mitchell] This is a closed rehearsal. March.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Sorry about what I said to Gloria, okay? It just came out. Let's go back inside.
Donnie: Hit me.
Jay: What?
Donnie: No, you heard me. Hit me.
Jay: I'm not gonna hit you, Donnie.
Donnie: Yeah? And that's the whole damn point. As soon as you heard I was sick, you treated me different. Let me tell you, I get enough of that at home.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm sorry. I feel a little bad for you, okay? I know we don't say this much, but, uh, I care for you, you know.
Donnie: Do you think I don't know that crap? I have known you cared about me since we were eight and 10 years old and that mook Joey Calieri stole my bike and you put his head in the ice.
Jay: What was that he said again?
Donnie: Uh... "I can't hear no more."
Jay: "I can't hear no more!" Oh, Don.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [to himself] Your staging is all over the place. The kids are exhausted. You're making it all about you. No intermission. What, are we animals?

Quote from Jay

Donnie: I'm gonna be fine. I got great doctors, the kids call me every day. Irene even lost 20 pounds due to stress.
Jay: Good for you. You promise me. You get that liver checked.
Donnie: Ah, there's nothing wr- [Jay sucker punches Donnie] Oh.
Jay: Come on, Donna. Suck it up. We're missin' my kid's show.
Donnie: You son of a bitch.
Jay: Come on. "I can't hear no more!"

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, look up at the moon. Would you say that's waxing or waning?
Claire: Who cares? We can spend all night looking at- "I can't be satisfied"? My God, Phil. That makes me look like a prostitute.
Phil: No.
Claire: Yes. Yes, it does.
Phil: More of an escort, really. You're just selling your time, whereas a prostitute-

Quote from Alex

Claire: I can't believe we trusted you to put this on the car after the debacle of that last picture and all the-
Phil: Damn it. [phone rining]
Claire: Who is that?
Phil: Probably another...
Alex: I think the word you're looking for is "john."

Quote from Claire

Claire: You mean to tell me that people have actually been calling about this?
Phil: There are a lot of creeps out there.
Claire: That's disgusting. She's a child.
Phil: Well, to be fair, most of them were for you.
Claire: Oh. It's still sick. What do you mean, "most"?
Phil: Well, I don't know. There were 30 calls. You got 20 or 25 of them.
Claire: What, they asked for me?
Phil: They asked for the hot blonde.
Claire: Mmm. Men are pigs. Did they call me anything else?

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] So, thanks to all the perverts in town I realize I still have a few good years ahead of me.
Phil: And if we have one person to thank for that, it would be...
Claire: No.


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