Cameron: Well, I had no idea. I had no idea I was surrounded by a bunch of quitters. This production was a joke until I introduced these children to the musical theater greats Bernstein, Sondheim. Years from now, some of these kids will still be talking about the way I Sondheimized them.
Mitchell: Ooh, I don't think that's a good way of saying... Okay.

Mitchell: Do you think that the kids are gonna be able to learn it by tonight? Maybe you should stick with something they already know.
Cameron: I knew this would happen! Why do you have to throw a wet blanket on my dreams?
Mitchell: I do not.
Cameron: You do it all the time. And you know what I end up with? Wet dreams! I heard it as soon as I said it. Just leave it alone.

Phil: Excuse me. I'm so sorry. I never do this with celebrities but are you by any chance the foxy mom in the new Horizon Realty ad?
Claire: Am I gonna regret doing that?
Phil: Did the Marlboro Man have any regrets?

Alex: Dad, your phone's been buzzing like crazy.
Phil: Sweet Lorna Doone. Nineteen missed calls? I wonder who's... [answering phone] Phil Dunphy. You saw the ad? Great. Do you know what you're looking for? The little one. I think I know which one you're talking about. Um, if you're interested, I also have an older model with a lot of character. What? I think the carpet matches the drapes. I haven't checked in a while. Both of them? Wow. Well, I guess that makes sense if you're planning to flip one. Listen, um, why don't I call you back? We'll set up an appointment. It will give me a chance to give them both a good scrubbing. All right. Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.

Phil: This ad is perfect. See, I'm not just selling houses, I'm selling myself and the best part about me is my family. And my teeth. And both are on display in this ad.
Claire: Mmm.
Luke: "I can't be satisfied until you're satisfied"?
Phil: Coming soon to a bus bench near you. Not to mention our minivan.
Claire: So that's really happening?
Haley: Wait, what's happening to our minivan?
Phil: Having this bad boy shrink-wrapped on it.
Luke: Classy.
Phil: Yep. Now all that driving around your mom does will serve a purpose.

Claire: Oh. Today's the big day. Let's take a look, see how she did.
Haley: Do we really have to look at them now?
Phil: Don't worry. We're not expecting any miracles.
Haley: Thank you.
Claire: Are those Haley's scores? Are you sure?
Haley: Are they bad?
Claire: No. They're not bad.
Haley: Are they good?
Claire: No, they're average. Sweetie, we did it. Our baby is average.
Phil: Medium five.

Cameron: [singing, playing keyboard] From Zimbabwe to Algeria Come on, let me hear ya These are the countries These are the countries
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Cam recently became Franklin Middle School's interim musical director.
Cameron: Go, Franklin! I was volunteering for their spring musical festival when their regular director suddenly and mysteriously became ill. It may have been a blessing. Their show lacked focus. I gave it a theme a musical trip around the world.
Mitchell: Yeah, see, he focused it by making it about the world.

Haley: Only Dad can make our minivan even lamer.
Claire: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Haley: I'm driving this thing to the reservoir. Just jump when I say jump.
Claire: Honey, slide over.
Haley: How is this stupid ad supposed to sell houses anyway?
Claire: You heard your father. He's not just selling houses, he's selling us.
Haley: What are my friends gonna think?
Claire: They're gonna think that you're helping your father put food on the table.

Gloria: Ay, is the chair broken?
Jay: Almost. That cheap, freeloading brother of mine can't keep his hands off my good Scotch. So you see, I've placed that Scotch there. My brother sits in this chair, goes out from under him. Bam. Masterpiece.
Gloria: So you make your brother fall and spill his drink?
Jay: Well, I don't want to jinx it, but that's the plan.
Gloria: Why are you both so mean? Where I come from, brothers respect each other.
Jay: That's why Colombia's such a peaceful utopia.

Cameron: And as the music swells we reveal our letters spelling "We love the world." Powerful stuff. And then the majestic Franklin Middle School insignia will drop into position if Reuben ever finishes painting it. It's not the Sistine Chapel, Reuben.