Manny: Let's just stay on topic. And try using colorful language to describe your product like "stunning" or "delicious."
Jay: "Delicious"? If my dad heard me say that, he'd have punched me, and I'd have been grateful.

Phil: The fight just gets my boys in the door. What's gonna knock them out is when I wow them with all the amazing things I've lived through.
Claire: Snooze.
Phil: Not the way I do it. I've updated the lyrics to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire."
Claire: Huh.
Phil: It's not everyone who can rhyme "Bronco chase" with "Melrose Place." I still can't find any '90s thing that rhymes with "Michael Bay."
Claire: Dr. Dre, Ellen's gay, Y2K...
Phil: Don't you have someplace to be? It's boys' night, no chicks allowed.
Claire: Kid 'N Play, "Groundhog Day," Tammy Faye...

Gloria: Hello. Welcome to CalShopTV. I am a perky blonde who is easily amazed.
Jay: I'm Jay Pritchett. I'll bet you were expecting to hear about closets...
Manny: O-Okay, stop. Why are you mentioning closets?
Gloria: Jay, everybody knows that you're the king of closets. If there was a closet hall of fame, you would be in it.
Jay: If? What do you think we were doing that weekend in Corning, New York?

Claire: That's a lot of food. Who's coming?
Phil: Luke, Dylan, and Bill. Gotta keep my posse in meat while we watch two top fighters battling in the pay-per-view event of the century.
Claire: That is so unlike you to watch Ultimate Fighting.
Phil: That's insane. I love a good battle. Boxing, MMA...
Claire: Lip Sync.
Phil: Which get brutal.

Phil: [aside to camera] I want to be a role model to this family's next generation of men. So, I'm hosting a fight night with, uh, Luke, Dylan, and Alex's boyfriend, Bill, where I will begin the process of inspiring them and imparting wisdom. I figure they have to listen to me. I pay for Luke's gas, and the other two do unspeakable things to my daughters.

Jay: This is a long time to be on hold. I've never been this stressed out listening to James Taylor.

Jay: Gloria, they want me! It's the primo 10:00 p.m. slot. Exactly when people are drunk enough to make bad decisions, but not so drunk they can't read the back of their credit cards.

Bill: You're also the best magician I've ever seen.
Luke: Not to mention the best real-estate agent, the best party deejay...
Dylan: The best cowboy, riverboat gambler, medieval knight...
Phil: Those are just old-timey photos from amusement parks, but...

Linda: Oh, and it looks like we've got a caller.
Gloria: [American accent] Hello, this is Joanne from Riverside. I love dogs!
Linda: Hello, Joanne.
Gloria: I have a question. It is called, uh, Beds by Stella. Who is Stella?
Jay: She's my dog.
Gloria: Oh! I see that she's your inspiration for what you're doing. What kind of dog is she?
Jay: French bulldog. And I know what you're thinking. Uh, she's French, so she has an attitude.
Linda: [laughs] French people are so snooty. I love it.
Jay: But not my little girl. Uh, she's the salt of the Earth. I mean, you should see her when I sit her next to me when I'm watching sports. You know, I explain the whole game to her, which is funny because, you know, um, dogs don't really understand sports.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, that's cute, but I bet that it's very annoying for the people that live with you.
Jay: Yeah, well, you know, they say they don't love her, but I know they do, uh, because she's part of the family, so she deserves a-a comfortable, fun place to sleep. Like your dogs. Uh, you know, I call this one the Puppy Colada, and, uh, the Rover Rocket. This one here is the, uh, Pupcake. This is the Tailavision, and our latest creation is the Taj Mahowl!

Mitchell: [sighs] I'm beat. Can you turn off the light?
Cameron: Yeah, just give me a second. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... You missed our anniversary. [turns off light]