‘Stand By Your Man’ Quotes Page 1 of 2
1018. Stand By Your Man
Aired March 20, 2019
Phil tries to be a male role model to Luke, Dylan and Bill and pass on some of his experience. After Mitchell forgets his wedding anniversary, he tries to make it up to Cameron by joining him at his favorite cowboy bar. Meanwhile, Jay tries to sell his dog beds on a TV shopping channel.
Quote from Jay
Manny: Let's just stay on topic. And try using colorful language to describe your product like "stunning" or "delicious."
Jay: "Delicious"? If my dad heard me say that, he'd have punched me, and I'd have been grateful.
Quote from Phil
Claire: That's a lot of food. Who's coming?
Phil: Luke, Dylan, and Bill. Gotta keep my posse in meat while we watch two top fighters battling in the pay-per-view event of the century.
Claire: That is so unlike you to watch Ultimate Fighting.
Phil: That's insane. I love a good battle. Boxing, MMA...
Claire: Lip Sync.
Phil: Which get brutal.
Quote from Phil
Phil: [aside to camera] I want to be a role model to this family's next generation of men. So, I'm hosting a fight night with, uh, Luke, Dylan, and Alex's boyfriend, Bill, where I will begin the process of inspiring them and imparting wisdom. I figure they have to listen to me. I pay for Luke's gas, and the other two do unspeakable things to my daughters.
Quote from Phil
Phil: The fight just gets my boys in the door. What's gonna knock them out is when I wow them with all the amazing things I've lived through.
Claire: Snooze.
Phil: Not the way I do it. I've updated the lyrics to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire."
Claire: Huh.
Phil: It's not everyone who can rhyme "Bronco chase" with "Melrose Place." I still can't find any '90s thing that rhymes with "Michael Bay."
Claire: Dr. Dre, Ellen's gay, Y2K...
Phil: Don't you have someplace to be? It's boys' night, no chicks allowed.
Claire: Kid 'N Play, "Groundhog Day," Tammy Faye...
Quote from Jay
Jay: This is a long time to be on hold. I've never been this stressed out listening to James Taylor.
Quote from Jay
Jay: Gloria, they want me! It's the primo 10:00 p.m. slot. Exactly when people are drunk enough to make bad decisions, but not so drunk they can't read the back of their credit cards.
Quote from Jay
Gloria: Hello. Welcome to CalShopTV. I am a perky blonde who is easily amazed.
Jay: I'm Jay Pritchett. I'll bet you were expecting to hear about closets...
Manny: O-Okay, stop. Why are you mentioning closets?
Gloria: Jay, everybody knows that you're the king of closets. If there was a closet hall of fame, you would be in it.
Jay: If? What do you think we were doing that weekend in Corning, New York?
Quote from Phil
Bill: You're also the best magician I've ever seen.
Luke: Not to mention the best real-estate agent, the best party deejay...
Dylan: The best cowboy, riverboat gambler, medieval knight...
Phil: Those are just old-timey photos from amusement parks, but...
Quote from Jay
Linda: Oh, and it looks like we've got a caller.
Gloria: [American accent] Hello, this is Joanne from Riverside. I love dogs!
Linda: Hello, Joanne.
Gloria: I have a question. It is called, uh, Beds by Stella. Who is Stella?
Jay: She's my dog.
Gloria: Oh! I see that she's your inspiration for what you're doing. What kind of dog is she?
Jay: French bulldog. And I know what you're thinking. Uh, she's French, so she has an attitude.
Linda: [laughs] French people are so snooty. I love it.
Jay: But not my little girl. Uh, she's the salt of the Earth. I mean, you should see her when I sit her next to me when I'm watching sports. You know, I explain the whole game to her, which is funny because, you know, um, dogs don't really understand sports.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, that's cute, but I bet that it's very annoying for the people that live with you.
Jay: Yeah, well, you know, they say they don't love her, but I know they do, uh, because she's part of the family, so she deserves a-a comfortable, fun place to sleep. Like your dogs. Uh, you know, I call this one the Puppy Colada, and, uh, the Rover Rocket. This one here is the, uh, Pupcake. This is the Tailavision, and our latest creation is the Taj Mahowl!
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: [sighs] I'm beat. Can you turn off the light?
Cameron: Yeah, just give me a second. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... You missed our anniversary. [turns off light]
Quote from Phil
Claire: So, who's the top card on the fight tonight?
Phil: I'm gonna say a Latin guy... and a Russian.
Quote from Jay
Jay: [answering phone] Hello. Speaking. Yes, of course I'll hold. Gloria, it's CalShopTV. I think they're gonna give me a slot to sell my dog beds.
Gloria: CalShopTV? The Southland's premier shopping network? I watch it all the time. And so do all my friends.
Jay: This is big time, Gloria. People buy all sorts of crap on there. Hey, I'll finally get to use my spray-on hair!
Quote from Phil
Phil: Boys' night! Unlike in high school and most of college, by choice.
Quote from Luke
Bill: Where's the opener?
Phil: You don't need an opener. Hand it over. Let me show you how it used to be done. Oh, dear God. No one tell Claire I did that.
Luke: You know my friend Corey who comes over here and broke that lamp? There is no Corey. We'll blame it on him.
Quote from Phil
Phil: Come on, let's not make Dylan compete with bird's nest. It's fight time, gents, courtesy of Big Daddy Dunphy! No need for each of you to Venmo me $19. I got this. Things are, uh... Things are going well.
Quote from Phil
Luke: Dad, you didn't buy MMA. You bought "Mamma Mia."
Phil: Why would I buy "Mamma Mia"? I've seen it, like, three ti...
Quote from Phil
Phil: [on the phone] Representative. [slowly] Representative. Dunphy. Dun-phy. Dun... No. No, no, no. I'm not done. I'm not done! Come on! [quietly] Somewhat satisfied.
Quote from Phil
Phil: [aside to camera] I couldn't get through to the cable company. I had to think fast. These guys were here to watch a fight, so I decided to show them the most epic battle of all time.
Quote from Phil
Bill: See? The old dude has no idea what he's talking about.
Phil: Stop calling him the old dude. He's my age! And he's just trying to shape a young mind!
Quote from Claire
Claire: [aside to camera] I'm afraid of Lily. W... I know that sounds horrible. What I mean to say is that lately I am unnerved by the way she'll just sit there, quietly staring, judging me. So, to put it in kinder terms, I'm afraid of Lily.