TV Quotes

Manny: Let's just stay on topic. And try using colorful language to describe your product like "stunning" or "delicious."
Jay: "Delicious"? If my dad heard me say that, he'd have punched me, and I'd have been grateful.

Claire: That's a lot of food. Who's coming?
Phil: Luke, Dylan, and Bill. Gotta keep my posse in meat while we watch two top fighters battling in the pay-per-view event of the century.
Claire: That is so unlike you to watch Ultimate Fighting.
Phil: That's insane. I love a good battle. Boxing, MMA...
Claire: Lip Sync.
Phil: Which get brutal.

Phil: [aside to camera] I want to be a role model to this family's next generation of men. So, I'm hosting a fight night with, uh, Luke, Dylan, and Alex's boyfriend, Bill, where I will begin the process of inspiring them and imparting wisdom. I figure they have to listen to me. I pay for Luke's gas, and the other two do unspeakable things to my daughters.

Phil: The fight just gets my boys in the door. What's gonna knock them out is when I wow them with all the amazing things I've lived through.
Claire: Snooze.
Phil: Not the way I do it. I've updated the lyrics to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire."
Claire: Huh.
Phil: It's not everyone who can rhyme "Bronco chase" with "Melrose Place." I still can't find any '90s thing that rhymes with "Michael Bay."
Claire: Dr. Dre, Ellen's gay, Y2K...
Phil: Don't you have someplace to be? It's boys' night, no chicks allowed.
Claire: Kid 'N Play, "Groundhog Day," Tammy Faye...

Jay: This is a long time to be on hold. I've never been this stressed out listening to James Taylor.

Jay: Gloria, they want me! It's the primo 10:00 p.m. slot. Exactly when people are drunk enough to make bad decisions, but not so drunk they can't read the back of their credit cards.

Gloria: Hello. Welcome to CalShopTV. I am a perky blonde who is easily amazed.
Jay: I'm Jay Pritchett. I'll bet you were expecting to hear about closets...
Manny: O-Okay, stop. Why are you mentioning closets?
Gloria: Jay, everybody knows that you're the king of closets. If there was a closet hall of fame, you would be in it.
Jay: If? What do you think we were doing that weekend in Corning, New York?

Bill: You're also the best magician I've ever seen.
Luke: Not to mention the best real-estate agent, the best party deejay...
Dylan: The best cowboy, riverboat gambler, medieval knight...
Phil: Those are just old-timey photos from amusement parks, but...

Linda: Oh, and it looks like we've got a caller.
Gloria: [American accent] Hello, this is Joanne from Riverside. I love dogs!
Linda: Hello, Joanne.
Gloria: I have a question. It is called, uh, Beds by Stella. Who is Stella?
Jay: She's my dog.
Gloria: Oh! I see that she's your inspiration for what you're doing. What kind of dog is she?
Jay: French bulldog. And I know what you're thinking. Uh, she's French, so she has an attitude.
Linda: [laughs] French people are so snooty. I love it.
Jay: But not my little girl. Uh, she's the salt of the Earth. I mean, you should see her when I sit her next to me when I'm watching sports. You know, I explain the whole game to her, which is funny because, you know, um, dogs don't really understand sports.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, that's cute, but I bet that it's very annoying for the people that live with you.
Jay: Yeah, well, you know, they say they don't love her, but I know they do, uh, because she's part of the family, so she deserves a-a comfortable, fun place to sleep. Like your dogs. Uh, you know, I call this one the Puppy Colada, and, uh, the Rover Rocket. This one here is the, uh, Pupcake. This is the Tailavision, and our latest creation is the Taj Mahowl!

Mitchell: [sighs] I'm beat. Can you turn off the light?
Cameron: Yeah, just give me a second. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... You missed our anniversary. [turns off light]

Claire: So, who's the top card on the fight tonight?
Phil: I'm gonna say a Latin guy... and a Russian.

Jay: [answering phone] Hello. Speaking. Yes, of course I'll hold. Gloria, it's CalShopTV. I think they're gonna give me a slot to sell my dog beds.
Gloria: CalShopTV? The Southland's premier shopping network? I watch it all the time. And so do all my friends.
Jay: This is big time, Gloria. People buy all sorts of crap on there. Hey, I'll finally get to use my spray-on hair!

Phil: Boys' night! Unlike in high school and most of college, by choice.

Bill: Where's the opener?
Phil: You don't need an opener. Hand it over. Let me show you how it used to be done. Oh, dear God. No one tell Claire I did that.
Luke: You know my friend Corey who comes over here and broke that lamp? There is no Corey. We'll blame it on him.

Phil: Come on, let's not make Dylan compete with bird's nest. It's fight time, gents, courtesy of Big Daddy Dunphy! No need for each of you to Venmo me $19. I got this. Things are, uh... Things are going well.

Luke: Dad, you didn't buy MMA. You bought "Mamma Mia."
Phil: Why would I buy "Mamma Mia"? I've seen it, like, three ti...

Phil: [on the phone] Representative. [slowly] Representative. Dunphy. Dun-phy. Dun... No. No, no, no. I'm not done. I'm not done! Come on! [quietly] Somewhat satisfied.

Phil: [aside to camera] I couldn't get through to the cable company. I had to think fast. These guys were here to watch a fight, so I decided to show them the most epic battle of all time.

Bill: See? The old dude has no idea what he's talking about.
Phil: Stop calling him the old dude. He's my age! And he's just trying to shape a young mind!

Claire: [aside to camera] I'm afraid of Lily. W... I know that sounds horrible. What I mean to say is that lately I am unnerved by the way she'll just sit there, quietly staring, judging me. So, to put it in kinder terms, I'm afraid of Lily.

Lily: I get nervous around you 'cause you're so cool.
Claire: [scoffs] That's really sweet. Wait, are you being mean?
Lily: No. Why does everyone always ask me that?
Claire: No one has called me cool in years. [quietly] Ever...
Lily: I love the way you don't give a damn.
Claire: Well, I do play by my own rules.
Lily: You do what you want. You don't care who you piss off or what anyone thinks of you.
Claire: This compliment is starting to sound a little bit like an insult.
Lily: Well, look who I live with.

Joe: Why don't you start off with something funny? A kid in my class does arm farts. [mimics farting] It's hilarious. Our bodies, huh?

Mitchell: Um, I-I could sit in for her.
Cameron: [chuckling] Oh, seriously? I don't think...
Mitchell: I can chug. Remember that time we went through security and I forgot I had a bottle of water in my bag?

Claire: Lily, I can't lie to you. It's not cool, and neither am I. Food trucks make me nervous. I leave voicemails. I prefer The Weather Channel to MTV. Is MTV still cool?
Lily: I've never heard of it.
Claire: I am not cool.

Bill: You're upset we made fun of the movie, aren't you? Hey, that's just what our generation does. We goof on things that scare us because of how much we love them.
Luke: Yeah. We wish there was a sequel.
Phil: [o.s.] There's actually two.
Bill: [whispering] Idiot. I'm not watching another one.

Dylan: Mr. D, I know that this might sound like the craziest thing ever, but are you upset because you want to see yourself as our Mr. Miata?
Bill: That's just dumb.
Luke: Yeah, don't waste one of our guesses on that.
Phil: [door opens] It's Miyagi.
Dylan: Told you.
Phil: It's ridiculous to say this out loud, but I guess I just wanted to feel like someone you guys could look up to.

Bill: The hardest thing about dating Alex... well, besides all the big words... is just knowing she grew up with a perfect guy in her life. It's pretty hard to compete with.
Dylan: That's what scares me about having kids with Haley. Even if I'm an awesome dad, I'll still fall short of you.
Luke: Try being his son, knowing you'll never measure up. It's no picnic. Which is ironic, because we go on a lot of picnics.

Phil: I just love you guys, and I want to pass on some of the things that I've learned. Like... Never try to take a tennis ball away from a raccoon. Or... Never go to play tennis with just one ball.
Luke: Good to know.
Phil: Or, you know, stuff like find the fun in every moment, find the good in every person, or never, ever be the one who doesn't do the wave. Those people die alone.
Dylan: Thanks, Mr. D-yagi.
Phil: I'm gonna need another minute.

Mitchell: Why are you in such a rush to get us out of here? Is it about me?
Cameron: No! It's about your clothes and your dancing and your drinking and your...
Mitchell: Okay, okay, okay, I get it. You're embarrassed of me. Y-You know, you're the one who's been asking me to come here for years.
Cameron: I really thought I wanted you here, but then, once you came here, I discovered that I don't really want you here.
Mitchell: [sighs] Wow, that is beyond...
Cameron: Okay, well, let me ask you. Did you have a good time tonight?
Mitchell: I was with you!
Cameron: Okay, answer the question.
Mitchell: No. No, the floor's sticky, I don't know a single song, and I'm not entirely sure Donna isn't your sister, Pam.

Cameron: Honey, I appreciate that you went to all this trouble, but you know what? Maybe we don't have to do everything together. Maybe that's how we'll make sure we have lots of anniversaries.
Mitchell: Oh. And I promise never to forget again.
Cameron: And I promise I'll never count down the seconds to shame you. Okay, let's get you out of that belt buckle.
Mitchell: Ooh.
Cameron: No, I didn't mean it in a sexy way. It's hideous. It looks like something you'd get off CalShopTV.

Jay: Thank you, Janet from Pomona, and to your little Pomeranian, Tony, I'd just like to say... [howls]
Linda: [laughs] I can't believe I'm saying this, but you might be weirder than the knife guy. [chuckles] [siren wails] Oh, look at that. You just sold your hundredth dog bed. How 'bout a little tail wag?
Jay: You don't have to ask me twice. [wailing continues]
[meanwhile:]
Claire: Good God, Dad.
Mitchell: We may have to make some difficult decisions soon.
[elsewhere:]
Bill: Wait, that's the guy you were afraid you couldn't live up to?
Phil: I know. Legend. [Jay barks]