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‘A Tale of Three Cities’ Quotes

Modern Family: A Tale of Three Cities

801. A Tale of Three Cities

Aired September 21, 2016

After a week in New York City, Claire and Phil tell the kids they're leaving on a road trip for the Caroline Closet Caucus. The kids decide to stay in New York another night, unaware their parents are doing the exact same thing. Mitchell gives Cameron's family the impression he's insensitive as everyone gathers around Grams' deathbed in Missouri. Jay, Gloria, Manny and Joe's time in Juarez, Mexico comes to an end when Gloria's sister, Sonia, turns up. The families all head home to spend Father's Day at Jay's.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Hey, um, I wish you'd be a little more mindful of my family situation.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. I didn't realize the vigil had drifted out to the common areas. Cam, come on. She's 95 years old and plugged into a wall. Maybe it's time to, you know...
Cameron: What? What are you saying, Mitchell? That we should pull the plug? [all gasp]
Lily: [Southern accent] Lord o' mercy.

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Quote from Joe

Joe: Daddy?
Jay: What?
Joe: Got you a present.
Jay: That's my boy! Let's see. What do we got in here? Hey. An ice bucket.
[aside to camera:]
Joe: I saw Manny take shampoos from the hotel. So I took some things, too. Then some bigger things. I like stealing. It makes my heart go fast.
[back:]
Jay: And what's in the ice bucket? Oh! A hair dryer. Thanks, buddy.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] We were in Juarez for my sweet 19-year-old cousin Marisol's third wedding. It was so beautiful. Thank God that they finished that tunnel in time for her father to make it.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Ay, Jay, stop with the phone. You're missing everything.
Jay: Hang on. I'm trying to lock up some sausages for Father's Day this weekend. You wait till the last minute, you wind up eating chicken and apple, like some damn hippie. Double click!

Quote from Luke

Haley: [on the phone with Phil and Claire] Love you both.
Alex: Bye. We miss you guys.
Luke: Got to run outside and paint the mailbox.
Haley: [disconnects] All you had to do was say goodbye.
Alex: Now we have to paint the mailbox when we get home.
Luke: Sorry. It just popped into my head when I saw the Statue of Liberty holding that paintbrush. You know, what she used to paint freedom in America.
Haley: Oh. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Gotcha.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] When I think of the last few Father's Days, I quake with rage. Hey, maybe put a little thought into it. Maybe we don't order the pizza. And if we do, maybe we get enough crazy bread for everybody. I'm sorry, but who made Father's Day the dirty stepchild of holidays?! We don't even have a song.

Quote from Joe

Jay: Now, I don't know what can of worms this is, but I know this is my day, and I want you to calm down. [cellphone chimes] Is that a phone in your pocket? That's my phone. I've been looking for this since yesterday.
Joe: I steal now.

Quote from Phil

Haley: Do we really have to leave?
Alex: Yeah, can't we just stay a couple more days?
Phil: I know. It's killing me. Tomorrow's open-mic night at the Apollo.
Claire: Look, we'll all come back. I love it here, too. Compared to New Yorkers, I'm laid-back.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] We decided to spend the summer in Missouri. But we arrived to find Cam's grandma on her deathbed. Right where we left her at Thanksgiving.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: What do you even say to someone in a coma?
Cameron: Well, Mama's reading her poetry. Lily's reciting scripture. Pam and I are gonna sing a song we wrote when we were younger, "Sweet Home Ala-gramma."
Mitchell: Okay, yeah, t-teach me that.
Cameron: Oh, I'm sorry. Is she your Ala-gramma?

Quote from Sonia

Sonia: Hola, Jay.
Jay: Oh, hey Sonia.
Sonia: I see Gloria's avoiding me. She's still mad because I forwarded her that mass e-mail.
Jay: Could be that, or it could be the last time you saw her, you tried to steal me and kill her.

Quote from Sonia

Sonia: So, how is my sister?
Jay: Fantastic. Great. 'Course, with Joe and also her hot-sauce business, she got a lot on her plate. Hey, have you tried one of these Mexican cookies?
Sonia: They just call them cookies. I'll speak with Gloria later. [holding a gift-wrapped machete] I have to drop this at the gift table. [a man walks by with a machete] Great.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I'm gonna reverse what I said. Central Park dog rentals, million-dollar idea.
Phil: Yeah, and maybe it's just the high of being on vacation, but is there a bird more majestic than the American pigeon?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on the phone] Hey, buddy, I should get going. There's a cop walking towards us. I guess it looks weird with us parked right here on the state border with me up here in Kentucky and your mom in the back seat over in West Virginia.
Luke: Got it. I should probably finish packing up the breakfast I'm bringing to the girls at the shopping mall where they're shopping.
Phil: Okay. See ya, pal.
Luke: See ya.
Phil: [to Claire] That's how you do that.
Luke: [to Haley and Alex] Done.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Hey, Grams. How's- How's the coma?
Grams: [groans]
Mitchell: Oh, my God. Oh, my God! A-Are you trying to say something? Aww. Ow. Ow! Grams. Ow, that hurts.
Let- Let go. Grams, l-let go. Let go, Grams. Let go, Grams!
Barb: What the hell are you telling her? [flatline sound, screams]
Pam: What happened?!
Barb: I just walked in, and Mitchell was telling her to let go, and she did! [sobbing]
Mitchell: Oh, let go. Let go of my hair.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Nice turnout.
Cameron: Sure is.
Lily: Grams would hate all these people on her property.
Cameron: She sure would.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, my God. I can feel your family staring daggers at me. Can't believe they think I killed Grams. Like I'd really be telling her to let go of life.
Cameron: Well, you can see how they'd wonder after you put your suitcase in her room.
Mitchell: It sounds like you're taking their side.
Cameron: You can't blame them for questioning your story about a comatose arthritic woman pulling your hair.
Mitchell: Not a story. A thing that happened.
Cameron: Fine.
Mitchell: Fine.
Cameron: And you didn't help your case by accidentally erasing her "Matlocks."
Mitchell: Oh, my God! Just drop it! [Barb wails] No, not- No.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on the phone] Well, why don't I stop talking about how good it is here and just bring you some? [chuckling] Okay. Bye-bye. [disconnects] We need to pick up a wheel of Arizona spicy sheep cheese.
Claire: Couldn't you just say goodbye?!

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh! That's the kids pulling up right now. Just act normal.
Phil: I was born normal. Not really. They said I came out with bangs.

Quote from Phil

Phil: So, uh, good week?
Luke: Meh.
Phil: Same. Meh.
Luke: Meh.
Phil: Neh.
Luke: Pbht.
Phil: Buh.
Luke: Bleh.
Phil: Ehh.
Haley: Oh, my God. They're talking.
Alex: Are they?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Gloria, we can't sit around doing nothing. Call Sonia. Tell her to bring Manny and the cookies to a neutral place, and we'll make the exchange.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Why does she want your sauce business, anyway?
Gloria: Well, maybe she has a reason to think that it should be partly hers.
[meanwhile:]
Sonia: My late aunt gave that hot-sauce recipe to both of us. Not just Gloria.
[cutting back and forth:]
Gloria: Sonia didn't care about the recipe. She was very lazy.
Sonia: I said, "Maybe I'll go to America and sell the sauce. Try to make something of myself."
Gloria: So I gently talked her out of it.
Sonia: She told me my idea was stupid. Just like all my ideas.
Gloria: And then I changed my mind, and I did her dream. What is she so mad about?

Quote from Manny

Sonia: I'm sorry to involve you in this feud.
Manny: It's okay. I'm actually starting to see your side of this.
Sonia: Thank you. As long as this isn't that thing where the person gets kidnapped and then-
Manny: Why am only now noticing how beautiful you are?
Sonia: Ay, dios mio.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You each have a sausage on your plate I selected based on your individual personality and temperament.
Cameron: Is this blood sausage? Because mine's pink.
Mitchell: Oh, my mine's pink, t-- Oh. Very funny, Dad.
Jay: Now take a bite of bread, a sip of water to cleanse the palate.
Gloria: Mine smells spicy.
Jay: Show of hands. Who heard me say "Smell your sausage"?
Phil: The box said these pigs were massaged daily, then killed from behind to keep the panic hormone from tainting the meat.
Claire: [smiling] They were murdered from behind?
Jay: The three things I want you to pay attention to are bouquet, texture, and finish. You may begin.
Luke: Can I have some ketchup?
Jay: We're done here.


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