801. A Tale of Three Cities
Aired September 21, 2016
After a week in New York City, Claire and Phil tell the kids they're leaving on a road trip for the Caroline Closet Caucus. The kids decide to stay in New York another night, unaware their parents are doing the exact same thing. Mitchell gives Cameron's family the impression he's insensitive as everyone gathers around Grams' deathbed in Missouri. Jay, Gloria, Manny and Joe's time in Juarez, Mexico comes to an end when Gloria's sister, Sonia, turns up. The families all head home to spend Father's Day at Jay's.
Quote from Lily
Cameron: Hey, um, I wish you'd be a little more mindful of my family situation.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. I didn't realize the vigil had drifted out to the common areas. Cam, come on. She's 95 years old and plugged into a wall. Maybe it's time to, you know...
Cameron: What? What are you saying, Mitchell? That we should pull the plug? [all gasp]
Lily: [Southern accent] Lord o' mercy.
Quote from Joe
Joe: Got you a present.
Jay: That's my boy! Let's see. What do we got in here? Hey. An ice bucket.
[aside to camera:]
Joe: I saw Manny take shampoos from the hotel. So I took some things, too. Then some bigger things. I like stealing. It makes my heart go fast.
Jay: And what's in the ice bucket? Oh! A hair dryer. Thanks, buddy.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: [aside to camera] We were in Juarez for my sweet 19-year-old cousin Marisol's third wedding. It was so beautiful. Thank God that they finished that tunnel in time for her father to make it.
Quote from Jay
Gloria: Ay, Jay, stop with the phone. You're missing everything.
Jay: Hang on. I'm trying to lock up some sausages for Father's Day this weekend. You wait till the last minute, you wind up eating chicken and apple, like some damn hippie. Double click!
Quote from Luke
Haley: [on the phone with Phil and Claire] Love you both.
Alex: Bye. We miss you guys.
Luke: Got to run outside and paint the mailbox.
Haley: [disconnects] All you had to do was say goodbye.
Alex: Now we have to paint the mailbox when we get home.
Luke: Sorry. It just popped into my head when I saw the Statue of Liberty holding that paintbrush. You know, what she used to paint freedom in America.
Haley: Oh. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Gotcha.
Quote from Jay
Jay: [aside to camera] When I think of the last few Father's Days, I quake with rage. Hey, maybe put a little thought into it. Maybe we don't order the pizza. And if we do, maybe we get enough crazy bread for everybody. I'm sorry, but who made Father's Day the dirty stepchild of holidays?! We don't even have a song.
Quote from Joe
Jay: Now, I don't know what can of worms this is, but I know this is my day, and I want you to calm down. [cellphone chimes] Is that a phone in your pocket? That's my phone. I've been looking for this since yesterday.
Joe: I steal now.
Quote from Phil
Haley: Do we really have to leave?
Alex: Yeah, can't we just stay a couple more days?
Phil: I know. It's killing me. Tomorrow's open-mic night at the Apollo.
Claire: Look, we'll all come back. I love it here, too. Compared to New Yorkers, I'm laid-back.
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: [aside to camera] We decided to spend the summer in Missouri. But we arrived to find Cam's grandma on her deathbed. Right where we left her at Thanksgiving.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: What do you even say to someone in a coma?
Cameron: Well, Mama's reading her poetry. Lily's reciting scripture. Pam and I are gonna sing a song we wrote when we were younger, "Sweet Home Ala-gramma."
Mitchell: Okay, yeah, t-teach me that.
Cameron: Oh, I'm sorry. Is she your Ala-gramma?