TV Quotes

Diane: Sam, do yourself a favor. Go back to your tootsies and your rat parts. I'd hate to see the bowling alleys close on my account.
Sam: Hey, hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you saying that I'm too dumb to date smart women?
Diane: I'm saying that it would be very difficult for you. A really intelligent woman would see your line of BS a mile away.
Sam: You think so?
Diane: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Sam: You know, well, I've never met an intelligent woman that I'd want to date.
Diane: On behalf of the intelligent women around the world, may I just say... Phew.

Diane: Sam, now, it's true, hiring Norman has emotional overtones. But without emotions, the mind becomes a stagnant pond. And let's face it, in your case, we're not exactly dealing with white water rapids in the first place.

Diane: I am sorry that you're all so cynical that you can't accept Sam and me. Well, it doesn't bother us. We believe in us, right, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, you bet. It's going to be great. I may have to work harder on this one, but it's going to be worth it.
Diane: Thank you, Sam.
Sam: You're welcome.
Diane: Now, if you will excuse us, we are going to go out and begin our lives together. There's more to heaven and earth than is dreamt of in your beer mugs.

Mitchell: Mom. Mom, what are you doing to her legs?
Dede: Tai chi. I did it every day in Sedona. Cameron, you should try it. [Cameron puts down scone]
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Mitchell's mother has a problem... with me. Last Christmas, for example, she gave me a piece of exercise equipment and a lettuce dryer. So, to recap, I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings, and she gave me a hint.

Dede: Well, I don't know what you're doing, but you look great.
Jay: And you look great, too. Oh, look, there's no line at the bar. How about a Rob Roy for old time's sake?
Dede: Oh, you remembered, Sarge. [to Mitchell] That was the only drink I could keep down when I was pregnant.

Dede: [on voicemail ]Hey, honey. It's Mom. I just want to apologize. I should not have lost my temper. Shaman Phoenix Feather's family-planning advice may not be for everyone, and you just want to keep your daughters safe. I get it. I have a daughter of my own, and I know how much she means to me. Anyway, I'm sorry. I love you, and I always will.
Claire: [voice breaking] I love you, too, Mom.
Dede: Also, I saw your new photo on social media. Are you part of some protest where you're not allowed to wash your hair? Or are you just trying to be... [beep]
Claire: I'm gonna listen to that later.