Jay: I never realized you ever had sex with a girl.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I kinda got around back then, actually.
Jay: More than one?
Mitchell: Please.
Jay: Well, there was Tracy. Who else?
Mitchell: Uh, Betty Rizzo.
Jay: Don't remember her.
Mitchell: Eliza Doolittle? Nellie Forbush?
Jay: These were classmates?
Mitchell: Well, some were older. Some were younger. Liesl and Gretl von Trapp. Sisters, obviously. Too far?
Jay: I'm not an idiot. You played that record night and day. Why would you tell me a thing like that?

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Tracy was my high school girlfriend. Yes. Yes, it's true. I had girlfriends. Quite a few, actually.
Cameron: I too took my fair share of ladies to the henhouse. Literally I did take them to the henhouse. That's the only place you could get some privacy on a farm.
Mitchell: Really? What were these What were these girls' names?
Cameron: Oh, well, there was Nellie Forbush, Betty Rizzo, Eliza-
Mitchell: Doolittle.
Cameron: Yeah.
Mitchell: These are characters from musicals. You're so gay you can't even think of real girls' names.
Cameron: Kim McAfee. That's a real one.
Mitchell: Bye Bye Birdie.

Mrs. Hoffman: So, hey, how are you handling things, you know, with Jay?
Manny: What do you mean?
Mrs. Hoffman: Honey, your mom told us that Jay's, you know, a little off his game.
Manny: A little? It's hard to watch.
Mrs. Hoffman: Oh. It must be so frustrating for him.
Manny: Well, he does swear a lot. Oh. The worst is when he goes off into the woods. Oh, and when he drives- Oh, my God. Look out. I'm surprised he hasn't killed anybody yet.

Claire: Honey. Honey, look. She's doing that thing with her jaw again.
Phil: Poor kid. She puts so much pressure on herself.
Claire: It's an obsessive-compulsive thing. I have read like a hundred articles about it. Where does she get it from?
Phil: Yeah, it's It's a mystery.

Cameron: I wanna hear all about Mitchell from high school. Did he have a beard?
Tracy: You're looking at her. 'Course, I didn't know it back then.

Phil: Okay, pencils down. You're taking a break.
Alex: No, I-I can't afford to take a break. Sanjay Patel's not taking a break.
Phil: Well, obviously Sanjay's parents don't care about him. Or her. What is that Sanjay?

Manny: Hey, Mom, you want a drink of water?
Gloria: No, papi, not right now.
Manny: You sure? You look thirsty.
Gloria: What's with you and the water today?
Manny: It's a dribble cup. You can't drink from it without spilling. I think it's going to make me very popular.
Gloria: Ay, papi, why do you need these things to make you popular? First the walking stick, then the business cards...

Gloria: Ay, wait. You left this.
Mrs. Hoffman: Oh, no. That's for you.
Gloria: Oh.
Mrs. Hoffman: In Cabo you mentioned you were a fan of Gabriel Garci­a Maquez so we tracked him down and got him to sign a copy of One Hundred Years of Solitude for you.
Gloria: That's amazing.
Gloria: No, no. Don't go. I really want you to spend the night here.
Mr. Hoffman: Jay clearly doesn't.
Gloria: Jay doesn't know what he wants. I don't like to tell this to people but, uh, Jay's mind is going away.
Mrs. Hoffman: Oh, my God.
Mr. Hoffman: No.
Gloria: He's so old. Some nights it's like he's not even here.

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire and I share a true love of cheesy cinema. Our favorite categories include genetically engineered animals gone wrong.
Claire: Old and young people switching bodies.
Phil: Mm-hmm. Uh, tough guys taking care of babies.
Claire: Any sequel three and higher.
Phil: Oh, yeah. Usually get a new cast around five. That's where the magic really happens.
Claire: Yeah. Yeah.

Claire: Hey, honey, how'd your test go?
Alex: Second highest in the class.
Phil: Hey. That's great.
Alex: Sanjay Patel edged me out by 12 points.
Phil: Oh, honey, who cares what she did?
Alex: It's a he. "Sanjay" is a very common Indian boy's name. There are like millions of them.