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44Quotes from ‘Our Children, Ourselves’

Modern Family: Our Children, Ourselves

212. Our Children, Ourselves

Aired January 12, 2011

After Mitchell runs into a woman he once slept with, he wonders whether he fathered a child. Alex has Phil and Claire doubting their own intelligence. Meanwhile, Gloria lies to a couple who Jay insulted.

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: I never realized you ever had sex with a girl.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I kinda got around back then, actually.
Jay: More than one?
Mitchell: Please.
Jay: Well, there was Tracy. Who else?
Mitchell: Uh, Betty Rizzo.
Jay: Don't remember her.
Mitchell: Eliza Doolittle? Nellie Forbush?
Jay: These were classmates?
Mitchell: Well, some were older. Some were younger. Liesl and Gretl von Trapp. Sisters, obviously. Too far?
Jay: I'm not an idiot. You played that record night and day. Why would you tell me a thing like that?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Tracy was my high school girlfriend. Yes. Yes, it's true. I had girlfriends. Quite a few, actually.
Cameron: I too took my fair share of ladies to the henhouse. Literally I did take them to the henhouse. That's the only place you could get some privacy on a farm.
Mitchell: Really? What were these What were these girls' names?
Cameron: Oh, well, there was Nellie Forbush, Betty Rizzo, Eliza-
Mitchell: Doolittle.
Cameron: Yeah.
Mitchell: These are characters from musicals. You're so gay you can't even think of real girls' names.
Cameron: Kim McAfee. That's a real one.
Mitchell: Bye Bye Birdie.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Honey. Honey, look. She's doing that thing with her jaw again.
Phil: Poor kid. She puts so much pressure on herself.
Claire: It's an obsessive-compulsive thing. I have read like a hundred articles about it. Where does she get it from?
Phil: Yeah, it's It's a mystery.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I wanna hear all about Mitchell from high school. Did he have a beard?
Tracy: You're looking at her. 'Course, I didn't know it back then.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, pencils down. You're taking a break.
Alex: No, I-I can't afford to take a break. Sanjay Patel's not taking a break.
Phil: Well, obviously Sanjay's parents don't care about him. Or her. What is that Sanjay?

Quote from Manny

Manny: Hey, Mom, you want a drink of water?
Gloria: No, papi, not right now.
Manny: You sure? You look thirsty.
Gloria: What's with you and the water today?
Manny: It's a dribble cup. You can't drink from it without spilling. I think it's going to make me very popular.
Gloria: Ay, papi, why do you need these things to make you popular? First the walking stick, then the business cards...

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ay, wait. You left this.
Mrs. Hoffman: Oh, no. That's for you.
Gloria: Oh.
Mrs. Hoffman: In Cabo you mentioned you were a fan of Gabriel Garci­a Maquez so we tracked him down and got him to sign a copy of One Hundred Years of Solitude for you.
Gloria: That's amazing.
Gloria: No, no. Don't go. I really want you to spend the night here.
Mr. Hoffman: Jay clearly doesn't.
Gloria: Jay doesn't know what he wants. I don't like to tell this to people but, uh, Jay's mind is going away.
Mrs. Hoffman: Oh, my God.
Mr. Hoffman: No.
Gloria: He's so old. Some nights it's like he's not even here.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire and I share a true love of cheesy cinema. Our favorite categories include genetically engineered animals gone wrong.
Claire: Old and young people switching bodies.
Phil: Mm-hmm. Uh, tough guys taking care of babies.
Claire: Any sequel three and higher.
Phil: Oh, yeah. Usually get a new cast around five. That's where the magic really happens.
Claire: Yeah. Yeah.

Quote from Alex

Claire: Hey, honey, how'd your test go?
Alex: Second highest in the class.
Phil: Hey. That's great.
Alex: Sanjay Patel edged me out by 12 points.
Phil: Oh, honey, who cares what she did?
Alex: It's a he. "Sanjay" is a very common Indian boy's name. There are like millions of them.

Quote from Claire

Phil: She's such a good kid.
Claire: Yeah, she is. Did she just say she was gonna do the best with what she was given?
Phil: I don't know. I'm still thinking about all the Sanjays. I don't know any, but I know three Miltons.
Claire: She's saying we're stupid.
Phil: Well, she's wrong.
Claire: Is she? Honey, look at how long it just took us to figure out that she's insulting us.

Quote from Manny

Mrs. Hoffman: So, hey, how are you handling things, you know, with Jay?
Manny: What do you mean?
Mrs. Hoffman: Honey, your mom told us that Jay's, you know a little off his game.
Manny: A little? It's hard to watch.
Mrs. Hoffman: Oh. It must be so frustrating for him.
Manny: Well, he does swear a lot. Oh. The worst is when he goes off into the woods. Oh, and when he drives- Oh, my God. Look out. I'm surprised he hasn't killed anybody yet.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Hey! I'm so glad you guys are still here. I just wanna say sorry for last night.
Mrs. Hoffman: It's okay. We understand.
Gloria: Ay, you see? Problem is solved. Now go. You're going to be late.
Jay: There's nothin' wrong with you guys. You know, it's me.
Mrs. Hoffman: We know.
Mr. Hoffman: We went through the same thing with Steph's father.
Jay: Now I'm confused.
Mrs. Hoffman: I'm Steph.
Manny: Here, Jay. I poured you a glass of orange juice.
Jay: Thanks, kid. [dribbles orange juice] What the hell? What's wrong with me?
Manny: It's always funny.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Honey, do you want popcorn or anything?
Phil: No, I'm good and plenty. So hold your water 'cause I'm got some Twix up my sleeve.
Claire: You may be cool, but I'm wine cooler.
Phil: I love us.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I can't believe I fell asleep and you left. Alex is right. We're idiots.
Phil: Claire, stop it. Look. Our kid got the second-best grade in the class.
Claire: I know.
Phil: Dumb parents don't make kids that smart. She got the best of both of us.
Claire: Mmm.
Phil: Kind of like if you combined the jaw strength of a crocodile and the ink-spraying capabilities of an octopus you'd end up with something unstoppable.
Claire: But they did stop him in the end, didn't they?
Phil: "Her." And she laid eggs.
Claire: [gasps] Croctopi.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Um, Tracy, I I have something to say, and I'm afraid that if I don't say it all at once, I'm never gonna say it.
Tracy: This takes me back to prom night.
Mitchell: Again, sorry about that.

Quote from Luke

Claire: Alex? Honey? Hi. Hi, hi, hi. Why don't you take a little break?
Alex: Mom, the test is tomorrow morning. I'm not taking any breaks.
Claire: Just a little- Oh. Okay.
Luke: She does that jaw thing every six seconds. It's like the hippopotamus at the miniature golf place.
Phil: Oh, I've bounced so many balls off those big teeth.
Luke: It's all about the timing! [throwing a grape at Alex]

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Look at her with her little harmonica.
Cameron: I know. She's like a little junior Junior Wells. Where did you buy it for her?
Mitchell: I thought you got it for her. Oh, no. Cam, she must have grabbed it from that store.
Cameron: Okay. Honey? Listen. Stealing is wrong. Now we have to go back and pay for it.
Mitchell: Cam, it's so far away.
Cameron: No. I'm not going back there.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Thumpity, thump, thump. Look at Frosty go.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: At our 10-year reunion we got a little drunk started reminiscing, one thing led to another...
Cameron: [gasps] You went back?
Mitchell: I think I just wanted to see if I could. Turns out I could.
Cameron: Where did this happen?
Mitchell: In the nurse's office. I can still hear the crinkling of the paper. After that, I didn't return any of her phone calls and I haven't seen her since.
Cameron: [to Lily] You naughty little girl.
Mitchell: Well, you know, that's what happens when you give me Kahlua.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [on the phone] Jay, guess who called. The Hoffmans.
Jay: Who?
Gloria: That's right. The ones from the hotel bar in Cabo. They're in town for the night. They want to go to dinner.
Jay: Oh, hell. The boring guy and the loudmouth?
Gloria: I know. I was so excited that they called.
Jay: I don't want to see them.
Gloria: I know. So much fun!
Jay: You're with them right now, aren't you?
Gloria: Yes. And they can't wait to see you too.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Sanjay's the only one in class who might do better than me, and I cannot let that happen.
Claire: Honey, listen to yourself. It's just not healthy.
Phil: This is my fault. You see me achieve excellence, and it puts a lot of pressure on you.
Claire: What about me?
Phil: Sorry. Yeah. It puts a lot of pressure on both of you.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Honestly, I think you're overly worried about Lily. It's not like she's gonna grow up to be a thief. And besides, at the end of the day who does she learn her behavior from? Us. We're her role models. Like Mama always said, our children are just miniature versions of us.

Quote from Cameron

Mr. Hoffman: Oh, this has been so much fun.
Jay: You know, I'm surprised to hear you say that. You've been pretty quiet.
Mr. Hoffman: That's because I'm a listener. Love to listen. It's my hobby.
Jay: Listening is your hobby?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Okay, let's slow down. You're nice people, we're nice people, but let's be honest. We've all tried to do that thing where we force a friendship that isn't really there so why don't we just call it a day right now and say good-bye, shake hands, wish each other well?
Mrs. Hoffman: Oh, my God.
Mr. Hoffman: This is so uncomfortable.
Jay: No, no. The beauty of it is, we're never gonna see each other again so there's no reason to be uncomfortable.
Gloria: They're staying with us tonight. Their bags are in our house.
Jay: Then you were right. This is uncomfortable.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, today, when we were leaving the mall I saw Tracy by the fountain.
Cameron: Please don't tell me you slept with her again. Did you? You didn't, right?
Mitchell: You're joking.
Cameron: Yeah.
Mitchell: Okay. Um, I don't know how to say this, or if I'm even right. I'm probably not. But, um, she was with a redheaded boy about eight years old which is the same number of years since we...
Cameron: No.
Mitchell: And she said she'd only been married a year and it would explain why she was so awkward with me, and...

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Are you okay?
Cameron: Yeah. Yeah, well, you don't just tell your partner you may have a baby with someone else and expect them to go back to eating a delicious and inventive meal like it's nothing.
Mitchell: Okay, Cam, but even if he is mine, it doesn't change anything between us.
Cameron: Mitchell, I need to have my reaction. Mmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay. They order a cab. Are you happy now?
Jay: I'll be happy when I hear a trunk close.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Why did you talk to them like that?
Jay: What? I was just being honest. They're boring as hell.
Gloria: Quiet. They can hear you.
Jay: He probably already heard me. His hobby is listening.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Jay, you don't treat people like that.
Jay: What, I should do what you do? Pretend to like someone you don't?
Gloria: I'm doing it right now.
Jay: Can I tell you something, Gloria? When you reach a certain age, you wanna spend what precious little time you have left with people you actually like, not some bozos who glommed onto you.
Manny: Tell me about it. I've got a clingy fifth-grader I can't shake.
Jay: See? Even Manny knows.
Manny: I got your back, Jay. Thirsty?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Can we just please forget about this now?
Gloria: And the worst thing is that you sold me out without warning and made me look like a fool. Husband and wife are supposed to help each other not throw each other under the bus! I would never do that to you.
Jay: Gloria. Gloria, wait. Could you get my book for me? I left it downstairs.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell, wait. Listen, I was up all night thinking about it and here's the thing. If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be living with someone and raising a beautiful baby girl I would have said you were crazy. But here we are and you and Lily are the best things that have ever happened to me. So if you're telling me there's another kid, how can that be anything but good?
Mitchell: Oh, Cam, that's That means-
Cameron: No, it's okay.
Mitchell: No. I need to have my reaction.
Cameron: We're gonna be okay.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I mean, what's this kid gonna think of me? I've been absent for the first eight years of his life. How do you make up for time like that?
Cameron: Okay, slow down. You're spinning out. It's probably just a false alarm.
Mitchell: No, you're right. This could be my going-bald scare all over again.
Cameron: Yeah, and we know how that turned out. [twirls Mitchell's hair]

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey. What would happen if the greatest scientists on earth got together to mate nature's two most violent predators?
Phil: Are we talking about Croctopus in 3-D?
Claire: At 2:10.
Phil: Book it!

Quote from Alex

Claire: Sweetheart, it's still a great score. I hope you're not beating yourself up.
Alex: I'm not.
Phil: That's our girl.
Alex: Sanjay's dad's a surgeon. His mom's a professor. I can't compete with that. I'll just have to do the best I can with what I was given.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Are we holding our kids back?
Phil: No! We're both bright people.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: We're college graduates. We read. I'd go so far as to say we're as intellectual and sophisticated as- Sweet! Croctopus tickets confirmed.

Quote from Phil

Vish Patel: Are you here to see Deux Jour de la Vie?
Claire: Well, we're not here to see Croctopus. [all laugh]
Nina Patel: Forgive Vish if you hear him groan. He gets annoyed if the subtitles are mistranslated.
Phil: Well, that makes deux of us. [chuckles]

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil, where are you going?
Phil: Croctopus.
Claire: Honey. Honey, I think we should go see this movie.
Phil: Why do I have to watch a French movie? I didn't do anything wrong.
Claire: Maybe Alex has a point. How can we encourage our kids to have intellectual curiosity when we don't have any?
Phil: I don't know.
Claire: It's two hours of our life.
Phil: Fine.
Claire: For our kids.
Phil: Sometimes I hate the kids.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [whispering] I'm so confused.
Claire: I'm not. I love this.
Phil: You do not. Name one thing you've liked about this.
Claire: I like the scene with the old man on the beach.
Phil: That was a trailer for a different movie.
Claire: So he's not coming back?
Phil: No, he's not coming back, and I'm not coming back either.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] While Claire watched one of the most highly acclaimed films of the year I sat through a badly made schlock fest with absolutely no redeeming value and it was awesome.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Feels like I have ink on me.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Hey, Vish. You just do this.
Vish Patel: Thank you. So, did you enjoy the film?
Claire: Not in the least.
Phil: I actually found it quite two-dimensional.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Anyway, I saw you yesterday across the mall, after we spoke and I couldn't help but notice that you weren't alone. You were with, um... I don't even know how to put this. Um...
Tracy: His name is Bobby.
Mitchell: Bobby.
Cameron: Such a lovely name.
Mitchell: Tracy, is he...
Tracy: Yes, Mitchell, he is.
Mitchell: Oh, my God. Okay. Um, why didn't you tell me?
Tracy: Mitchell, you and I don't have a relationship anymore. I called you after our little visit to the nurse's room. You never returned any of my calls.

Quote from Mitchell

Bobby: So, uh, how do you know Tracy?
Mitchell: How- We-
Tracy: Mitchell took me to the prom.
Mitchell: The prom.
Cameron: To the prom.
Bobby: Oh, a redhead. You really have a type, don't you?

Quote from Cameron

Tracy: Um, they got you a present.
Mitchell: It's not-
Cameron: It's just a little-
Mitchell: You don't need to-
Cameron: I wouldn't even-
Bobby: "Little Slugger"?
Cameron: I'm just gonna go and let you two catch up, so...


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