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52Quotes from ‘Little Bo Bleep’

Modern Family: Little Bo Bleep

313. Little Bo Bleep

Aired January 18, 2012

The family try to help Claire iron out her "flaws" ahead of a debate with Duane Bailey for the town council seat. Mitchell and Cameron are worried about a new addition to Lily's vocabulary on the eve of her being a flower girl. Meanwhile, Jay is alarmed when Stella keeps jumping into the pool.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: What about the wedding? What if she says it there? She's like a ticking time bomb!
Mitchell: Well, what are we gonna do, cancel?
Cameron: Yes. Maybe we just call and say, "We're not going to any more weddings until the gays can get married."
Mitchell: Oh, so now we're political? We leave town on gay pride weekend because we don't like the traffic.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Busy day at the Dunphy compound. We have a wedding tonight, and this afternoon, Claire is debating Duane Bailey in the race for town council. And now the "weekly saver" says that some voters find Claire, quote, "angry and unlikable." To those voters, I say, "Wait till she sees this."

Quote from Alex

Alex: Mom, just be confident.
Claire: Mm-hmm? Based on what? I just lost a debate in my living room, and people think I'm unlikable.
Alex: That's just the word men use for powerful women because they feel threatened. So just forget everything else and be proud and powerful.
Claire: How did you get so smart?
Alex: I've always assumed adoption or baby switch.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Not too many at once. That's good.
Mitchell: Okay. You're doing great, Lil.
Cameron: Oh, she is, isn't she?
Mitchell: Forget the bride. All the eyes are gonna be on her.
[Lily drops the basket]
Lily: Oh, [bleep].
[Cameron runs out of the room laughing]

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Maybe we misheard.
Cameron: Yeah. Maybe she said "truck." Or- Or "duck." Or "luck." She could have said "yuck."
Lily: Daddy, can I have some ice cream?
Mitchell: No, honey, if you're hungry, you can have some fruit.
Lily: Fruit? [bleep]
[Cameron runs out of the room laughing]
Lily: [laughs]

Quote from Lily

[As Cameron sobs]
Mitchell: Really?
Cameron: Well, you know I cry at weddings.
Mitchell: Oh, no. Stop- Stop crying.
Cameron: Well, just because you have ice water in your veins, doesn't mean that-
Mitchell: No. No, Lily. No. Lily, he's fine. Daddy's fine.
Cameron: Daddy's not sad.
Lily: Daddy, daddy! [bleep]
[all giggling]
Cameron: You see? I told you it was funny.
Lily: [bleep] [bleep]

Quote from Claire

Claire: And how am I angry and unlikable?
Haley: Can I take this one?
Phil: I wouldn't.
Haley: You seem angry now.
Claire: I am angry, at that poll.
Luke: I think it's the yelling. I would tone down the yelling.
Claire: Honey, I don't yell for no reason.
Luke: You yelled at my teacher for calling me "special."
Claire: Honey, that was not a compliment.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] It's every little girl's dream to be a flower girl in a wedding.
Mitchell: It's Lily's chance to shine.
Cameron: I was a 3-time ring bearer.
Mitchell: It's Lily's chance to shine.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Stella! Where's my good girl? Gloria, is Stella up there?
Gloria: No. But I am. Why don't you say "hello" to your wife when you come home?
Jay: Well, why don't you greet me at the door, wagging your tail?

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Why are you swimming in your clothes?
Jay: Because I'm self-conscious about my body. Stella fell in the pool.
Manny: It's my fault. I let her out, and then I got caught up in my couponing.
Jay: Any coupons for swim lessons? 'Cause Stella needs some.
Gloria: Seriously? Manny you teach to swim by throwing him in the pool, but the dog gets swimming lessons?
Manny: I gotta say, it was unpleasant but effective.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: We have to teach Stella how to swim. Otherwise, she could drown.
Gloria: Why don't you teach her not to jump in the pool?
Jay: She didn't jump in the pool. She fell in the pool. Why, suddenly, would she jump in the pool when she doesn't know how to swim?
Gloria: Why does she bark at the vacuum? It's a thing. It is never going to play with you.
Jay: Are you saying that Stella is stupid?
Gloria: Are you covering her ears?

Quote from Phil

Claire: Okay. If elected, I would consider all opinions and not ignore those of the opposition, as councilman Bailey has done for six terms. [horn honks] What? That was a great answer.
Haley: Well, I couldn't hear it because you were showing me the bad side of your face.
Claire: I have a bad side?
Haley: Yeah, the left.
Phil: No. It's the right.
Haley: Uh, Dad, it's totally the left. I mean, look at it.
Phil: Sweetheart, why do you think I chose my side of the bed?

Quote from Gloria

Phil: Why'd you bring Stella?
Manny: She keeps getting out and jumping in the pool. We don't wanna take any chances because she can't swim.
Alex: Then why does she keep jumping in the pool?
Jay: I've been thinking about it. I got a theory. She might be suicidal.
Gloria: What? That's crazy. There's not such thing as doggy suicide.

Quote from Jay

Duane: Hi. Duane Bailey. Sorry. I couldn't help but overhear. In addition to being a public servant, I'm also an award-winning breeder of puggles. I've won the puggly. Twice. And I'm afraid that doggy suicide is all too real. It's just the mainstream media doesn't report on it, 'cause it's not as sexy as feline A.I.D.S.
Gloria: Stella is not suicidal. She's just stupid.
Duane: Well, that might be part of your problem. She senses you don't like her.
Jay: You have no idea. This one's been against this little angel from the very beginning.
Duane: Yeah, well, dogs pick up on that. You know, they're very sensitive. I like to call them, um, bottomless pits of need. But not to their face, though. That would just destroy them.

Quote from Lily

Lily: I wanna watch aunt Claire!
Mitchell: Okay. Well, first, honey, we need to talk about something. It's about that word you said this morning.
Lily: What word?
Mitchell: You know, the one that starts with "f"?
Lily: "Flower"?
Mitchell: No.
Lily: "Fruit"?
Mitchell: No.
Cameron: If she doesn't remember it, we shouldn't remind her. Oh, well, she said it three times.
Lily: Oh, you mean [bleep]
Mitchell: Cam, leave the room!
Cameron: [stifling laughter] No. I can do this.

Quote from Luke

Claire: No, sir, he was looking for me, his wife, and he walked into the wrong room.
Duane: If you believe that, I have some talking puggles I'd like to sell you.
Haley: Do you believe this?
Luke: Talking dogs? I'm skeptical.

Quote from Jay

Claire: I am glad that my opponent brought this up, as I feel that it speaks to his character more than mine. I think that we should raise the level of discourse and get back to the issues that the voters really care about.
Man: When he was naked, what were you wearing?
Claire: I don't think that's relevant.
Woman: Are you sex freaks?
Claire: My personal life has nothing to do with this. Uh... The... My opponent has brought this up to distract from his own record, which shows that in- in six years, he has achieved nothing more than writing one ordinance that allows private parties to have more than eight dogs. Hmm. Hmm.
Jay: It's like watching the "hindenburg."
Gloria: This is the most horrible thing I've ever seen in my life.
Phil: Excuse me!
Jay: Stand by.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I am Phil Dunphy, and I am not a pervert. I, like a lot of men in this town, enjoy making love to my wife. I mean, um... I mean with their wives. Not me, them. Look, I should probably just sit down and say nothing. But it's too late. I am standing, and I'm obviously talking, and now you're looking at me, and I feel the need to keep going. First of all, no charges were filed. Everyone had a good laugh -about the situation, not- not about me. Everything's fine down there. Anywhoo, Where were we?
[aside to camera:]
Claire: All over YouTube. We went viral.
Phil: Some sick bastard auto-tuned me.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [auto-tuned video] I Like a lot of men in this town I enjoy making love to my wife-- wife and I don't know how to stop. I am a pervert. Pervert-- per...

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: The door. Ay! Estella, no! No! Ay! No! No! Estella, don't do it! Don't kill yourself! You are a perfectly fine dog! I don't hate you! Estella, okay, I was a little mean to you, but that's no reason to kill yourself! You are young! You still have so much left to smell!

Quote from Luke

Luke: Somebody turn her off. I think I'm having a seizure.

Quote from Gloria

Cameron: Where have you guys been?
Gloria: I had to jump in the pool to save the stupid dog.
Jay: Who she loves.
Gloria: That I didn't let her down doesn't mean that I love her. I barely got Manny back in the pool after that possum incident.
Manny: I thought it drowned, but turns out it was just playing possum.
Gloria: Yes, papi. [mouthing]

Quote from Phil

Claire: Well, I just don't think it's a big deal. I mean, how many people read the "Weekly"-
Haley: "Saver"?
Claire: -"Saver," anyway?
Phil: 22,000-ish. My company advert- Used to advertise with that newspaper.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Sweetheart, you're not unlikable.
Claire: Thank you.
Phil: You just seem unlikable.
Claire: Ohh.
Phil: But if we work on it, it's totally fixable.
Claire: How? How, Phil? How are we gonna "work on it"?
Phil: First of all, lose the snippy attitude.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Hey, Lily! Come here, honey! Hi! Do you know what this is?
Lily: A box.
Mitchell: Containing?
Cameron: She doesn't know "containing."
Mitchell: Well, that's how she learns new words, by us using them.
Cameron: Or, that's how we lower her self-esteem, by bombarding her with confusing vocabulary.
Lily: What's the box containing?
Mitchell: Told you.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh!
Lily: Pretty!
Mitchell: Oh, no, Cam-- Cam, she's gonna look like little bo peep.
Cameron: Or little bo cheap. Look at this fabric. It's already pilling.
Mitchell: Maybe it'll look better on.
Cameron: You mean "turned on?"
Mitchell: No, it does not--Cam! Oh!
Lily: I love it!
Mitchell & Cameron: No, you don't.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Oh, my gosh. Are we really gonna let her wear this?
Mitchell: You know what? If the bride wants to have a tacky wedding, she can have a tacky wedding. Lily will be the bright spot.
Cameron: Literally.
Mitchell: Heard it as soon as I said it.

Quote from Claire

Alex: Welcome, candidates. Mrs. Dunphy.
Claire: Thank you for having me.
Alex: And councilman Bailey.
Phil: Gosh, thank you so much, Alex. I'm deeply honored to be here, and I remain, as ever, a humble servant to the greatest little town in the greatest darn--
Luke: [buzzer sounds] Eye-rolling.
Claire: Playful eye rolling.
Haley: How do we, as voters, know it's playful? I would avoid it.
Claire: Okay. No eye rolling.
Haley: [horn honks] And don't purse your lips like that. It makes you look annoyed.
Luke: [buzzer] And don't touch your face.
Haley: Yeah, no face touching. Seems nervous.
Claire: Some of this is subjective. What? What now?
Luke & Haley: Anger.
Haley: It looks like you're scolding us.
Claire: I will keep my hands at my sides.
Phil: Not on your hips. You're not Superman.

Quote from Claire

Alex: Can we get started?
Claire: We haven't started?
Alex: I've prepared some questions.
Claire: Oh, goody! Actual questions.
Phil: Honk. Sarcasm.
Claire: Just go.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Okay, Mrs. Dunphy, why are you running for local office?
Claire: Okay, that's, um, that's good. I um, I-
Alex: Mom, you really shouldn't stutter over a basic question like that. You should at least know why you're running.
Claire: I thought the moderator was supposed to be objective.
Alex: Not if she's the only one in the room who has actual debate experience. Now why are you running?
Claire: I saw the need for a stop sign in-
Phil: Liar!
Claire: Phil!
Phil: I just think you should be ready for anything.

Quote from Luke

Claire: I saw the need for a s- [buzzer sounds] What?
Luke: Sorry. Accidental buzz.
Claire: I saw the need for a stop sign in my neighborhood, and although I collected the necessary signatures and did the paperwork, I found local government to be entirely unhelpful- [horn honks] What?
Haley: Too long. I'm bored.
Luke: Yeah, next question. I feel like I'm in school.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Some say the political system is bogged down by ideological hard-liners unwilling to compromise. How would you respond to that, councilman Bailey?
Phil: I would like to use my lifeline.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I'll take this. If elected, I would consider all perspectives, and I would not ignore opposing viewpoints.
Phil: [making sound] Helicopter. Just keep going.
Claire: I would consider all perspectives, and I wouldn't ignore opposing-
Luke: You suck!
Claire: Luke!
Luke: You have to be ready for hecklers.
Phil: He's right.
Claire: Okay. I'm doing over. No buzzing. If elected, I- [Phil makes a noise] What?
Phil: Too close to the mic.
Claire: Phil, it's a hairbrush.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Okay! Okay. Thank you. Thank you, family. This has been super-duper helpful.
Haley: [horn honks] Hands, lips, sarcasm, eye-rolling, wrong side of the face.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I cannot believe you laughed!
Cameron: I am sorry. But you know I have two weaknesses: children cursing and old people rapping.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil? Phil, is this televised?
Phil: I didn't tell you because I didn't want to make you nervous.
Claire: Great plan. Really good plan. Throw me for a curveball at the last minute.
Alex: Mom, chill. It's just public access. My debate team's on public access, and the only people who watch me are you guys.
Phil: Yep. All the time.

Quote from Luke

Claire: So maybe nobody will see this?
Phil: No. We want people to see this. That's how you win elections. That's the whole point.
Lily: Then mom should do something so crazy and stupid it goes viral.
Haley: Mom, please don't go viral.
Claire: Okay. I'll add that to my list of things not to do: don't touch my face, don't roll my eyes, don't point my fingers, and definitely don't go viral. Do any of you still believe in me?
Phil: Of course we do. We're on your side.
Luke: The right side. Not the left.

Quote from Claire

Jay: Go get 'em, Claire.
Claire: Thanks.
Gloria: Don't worry. We're going to cheer for you no matter what you say.
Claire: Oh, good. More support from my loving family.
Phil: Honk. Sarcasm.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: So now this is my fault?
Jay: I think he knows what he's talking about. The man won a puggly.
Duane: Two. I won two pugglies.
Jay: We're done here.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Lily, that is a bad word, and you are not allowed to say it ever.
Lily: But it makes you laugh.
Mitchell: Okay, well, daddy shouldn't be laughing, and you should never say that word. Do you understand?
Lily: Maybe.
Mitchell: Okay. This is not a game, all right? If you say that word one more time, I'm gonna take away all your toys! I'm serious! She knows I'm not serious.

Quote from Claire

Duane: But there's no substitute for experience. For example, I doubt my opponent is familiar with town ordinance 26-12B.
Claire: 26-12B has to do with noise pollution - something, sir, that you are guilty of right now.
Phil: [laughs] Oh, no she di'int!
Alex: Go, mom!

Quote from Luke

Phil: Look at her eyes.
Luke: I know. They're a little too close together. It's been bugging me for years.
Phil: No, she's in the zone. She's ready for anything.

Quote from Claire

Duane: I do like to talk about the issues. Speaking of issues, your husband seems to have some.
Claire: I'm sorry? I'm not sorry. What?
Duane: Oh, well, I wouldn't want to bring it up, but since you asked... Um, in February of last year, your husband, one, uh, Phillip Dunphy, was questioned at a local hotel for lewd and lascivious conduct.
Jay: Oh, jeez.
Claire: That's not true.
Duane: Ma'am, according to this police report, he, uh, broke into a stranger's room, stripped naked and then posed provocatively on the bed.
Claire: That is technically true. But in all fairness, it was Valentine's day.
Duane: Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry. It was Valentine's day. I'm not sure, uh, if your husband was born in this country. Ah. Perhaps he snuck in illegally, but here in America, we celebrate Valentine's day with chocolates, not our private parts.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay! Manny! We should have been there already!
Jay: [o.s.] Gloria, I'm tying my tie!
Manny: I'm accessorizing!
Gloria: And I thought I was the woman.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: What happened?
Manny: Are you okay?
Gloria: She did it again.
Jay: And you jumped in to save her?
Gloria: No, Jay! I wanted to take a little swim before going to the wedding!
Jay: Get her a towel she's shaking like a leaf.
[Manny grabs a towel, hands it to Jay, who uses it to dry Stella]
Jay: Oh, no, no, I meant- I meant-
Gloria: Thank you, Jay. The dog towel for me. For the wife.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Hey, what's shakin'?
Cameron: What's cooking?
Claire: You saw the debate, didn't you?
Cameron: The de-what?
Mitchell: No, that wasn't-
Cameron: Was that on today?
Mitchell: No, no. Oh, I didn't remember.
Claire: You are the worst liars.
Mitchell: It was phenomenal television.

Quote from Luke

Luke: She looks like a Lite-Brite.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Lily, sweetie, are you excited to be a flower girl? Yeah? Little bit nervous? Yeah? Why isn't she talking to me? Did she see the debate, too?
Mitchell: Nope, she's on verbal lockdown. She's been dropping a certain curse word all day. Yeah, so we're just hoping the next one doesn't happen during the wedding.
Phil: If it does, it'll be the second most embarrassing thing to happen to our family today.
Claire: Phil, you said it wasn't that bad.
Phil: That was in the car. We're in a church now.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Oh, good. I thought that we were going to miss Lily.
Cameron: Ships at sea wouldn't miss Lily.

Quote from Claire

Claire: You know what the worst part of today was?
Alex: I imagine it's hard to choose.
Claire: When everything was melting down, I realized I had an answer to your question, why I was running. I wanted to make my family proud, and I did the exact opposite.
Alex: No.
Claire: No, I did. I totally embarrassed you.
Alex: No. No, dad embarrassed me. I was proud of you. I think it's cool you're running for local office. I mean, it's totally nerdy, and that's kind of my thing.
Claire: Hmm. Maybe it's kind of our thing.

Quote from Haley

Phil: Ah. Some day, I'll walk you down the aisle.
Haley: If you're not in perv jail.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Yeah, that ought to do it. Go on, you little motorboat! Look at her go! Where's she going? Oh, jeez, I think she's trying to get herself sucked into the filter. What'd you say to her?
Gloria: I didn't say anything!
Manny: Wait a second. Jay, look.
Gloria: See? She was not trying to kill herself. She was just trying to get to the squeaky wiener!
Jay: That must be why she's been jumping in. It must have been there all the time. That's hilarious!
Gloria: Ay, si! No, it's not!
Jay: Not now. I'm saying it will be. Later.


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