The Office Quotes

The Office

The Office

A mockumentary which follows the employees of the Scranton, Pennsylvania branch of a fictional paper company, Dunder Mufflin.

Starring: Steve Carell, Rainn Wilson, John Krasinski, Jenna Fischer, B.J. Novak, Ed Helms, Leslie David Baker, Brian Baumgartner, Kate Flannery, Angela Kinsey, Oscar Nunez, Phyllis Smith, Mindy Kaling, Paul Lieberstein, Creed Bratton, Craig Robinson, Ellie Kemper.
Original Run: 2005-2013.

Quote of the Day

Sunday, October 25, 2020

Quote from Robert in Pool Party

Jim: [to Robert, who's looking at pictures of a house online] Whoa, looks pretty nice. Got a little bit of a Shining vibe, though.
Oscar: Oh, who needs a house that size?
Dwight K. Schrute: Big. Stupid. Pure chump bait.
Robert: I'm selling the house, actually.
Jim: You know, there's a glare from over here... Oh, wow. That's magnificent.
Robert: It's mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state and I've got the most expensive house on the market. The one percent are suffering too, people. I bought it to be my Playboy mansion. A temple to wine, revelry, sex, intrigue... This was hot on the heels of "Eyes Wide Shut", mind you. Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own. Now she's left me and forced me to sell the place.

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Quote from Michael Scott in Nepotism

Michael Scott: I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.

Quote from Michael Scott in Safety Training

Michael Scott: My life! Oh, my life!
Dwight K. Schrute: [through a megaphone] Michael, what's wrong?
Michael Scott: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression!
Dwight K. Schrute: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year according to a 2004 study.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael Scott: Yes. My head is in such pain and turmoil.

Quote from Jim in Product Recall

[Jim arrives for work wearing glasses, a side-parting hair cut, and a pale yellow shirt:]
Jim: It's kind of blurry. That's better. Question, what kind of bear is best?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.
Jim: Fact, bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight K. Schrute: Bears do not- What is going on? What are you doing?
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Four dollars. And it only cost me $7 to recreate the rest of the ensemble and that's a grand total of $11.
[back:]
Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. So I thank you. Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim: Michael!
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, that's funny. Michael!

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Quote from Michael Scott in Fun Run

Michael Scott: Okay, I have an announcement.
Oscar: You pushed Darryl out the window?
Phyllis: You shot Dwight?
Michael Scott: No. No, that is not funny. I love my employees. Even though I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look, I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off of this unavoidable tragedy and on to more positive things. So I thought we should plant a tree.
Jim: Oh, good, so we don't have to work.
Pam: We're leaving for the hospital at 1:00.
Michael Scott: So, like, a freedom tree.
Pam: I can take 3 people.
Jim: I can also take 3 people.
Oscar: [to Kevin] Separate cars.
Michael Scott: Pam?
Pam: Alright, I will get a card at the hospital and we'll sign it outside her room.
Michael Scott: Pam.
Pam: Sales people can go later in the day. Hourly workers can go at lunch.
Michael Scott: Okay, good, good. So we'll just all go down there together at lunch. Excellent.
Pam: I was thinking-
Michael Scott: Good work, Pam.
Pam: But if you-
Michael Scott: Yaay, Pam!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Lover

Dwight K. Schrute: You seem tense. Hey, you want me to give you the chills?
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: There's an egg on your head and the yolk is running down, the yolk is running down...
Michael Scott: [sighs] Feels good.
Dwight K. Schrute: There's a knife in your back and the blood is gushing down...
Michael Scott: I'm sleeping with Pam's mom. Sometimes, dinner.
Dwight K. Schrute: The blood is gushing down, the blood is gushing down... You know, I really would have appreciated a heads-up that you were into dating mothers. I would have introduced you to mine.

Quote from Michael Scott in Gossip

Michael Scott: But guys, I'm a victim here too, okay? People here have been saying that I'm a J. Crew model.
Angela: No. We heard that about Jim.
Michael Scott: Jim? No, no. I spread the rumor that somebody here was a J. Crew model, and I was referring to myself.
Angela: How is that a bad rumor?
Michael Scott: Because a lot of people think that models, even though they're very attractive, are somewhat vapid. It's set our industry back quite a bit.