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43Quotes from ‘Christmas Wishes’

The Office: Christmas Wishes

810. Christmas Wishes

Aired December 8, 2011

Andy hopes to make everyone's wishes come true at the Christmas party. Seeing Andy with his new girlfriend, Erin drinks to excess. Meanwhile, Dwight and Jim try to get the other in trouble after Andy calls for an end to their pranks.

Quote from Stanley

Andy: Who's excited to get their holiday wishes?
Stanley: "Holiday wishes."
Andy: What's that, Stanley?
Stanley: We know exactly what holiday you're referring to.
Andy: It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party.
Stanley: I've been here eighteen years and have suffered through some weird thematic Christmases. A Honolulu Christmas, A Pulp Fiction Christmas, A Muslim Christmas, Moroccan Christmas. Mo-rocca Christmas. I don't want it. Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: I don't want no Kwanza wreath. I don't need a dreidel in my face, that's its own thing. And who's that black Santa for?! I don't care! I know Santa ain't black! I could care less. I want Christmas! Just give me plain baby Jesus, lying in a manger, Christmas!

Quote from Toby

Toby: You know this sounds a lot like the premise of my latest Chad Flendermen novel. A murder for framing.
[aside to camera:]
Toby: Chad Flendermen. Just an easy going black guy, he knows the streets, yet he also went to Oxford. So... Just as comfortable on a motorcycle as he is on Air Force One. Oh and he's also the world's leading Egyptologist.
[back:]
Angela: Toby! Nobody cares about your sex-crazed black detective.
Toby: No, no, no, no, no. Women chase him. He misses his wife.

Quote from Robert

Andy: This party'll cheer you right up.
Robert: I hope so. The corporate party was wretched. I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas. It's rock-n-roll for people who don't like rock-n-roll. It's rap for people who don't like rap. It's pop for people who don't like pop...

Quote from Jim

Jim: I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday. Might not have been the best idea.

Quote from Creed

Andy: So, who's wish is next? Oh, what about Santa's wish? My biggest wish is that you all get along well with Jessica... C'mon guys, Jessica? Jim, tell 'em who Jessica is.
Jim: She's not your grandmother, is she?
Andy: Ugh! Gam-gam's name is Ruth, Jim, you should know. I introduced you on speakerphone that time?
Jim: Yeah.
Andy: Jessica is my super serious girlfriend, who is seriously awesome and seriously sexy. Only thing that's not serious, by the way? Our repartee.
Creed: That's great. When you know you know. Hey, what's Ruth's deal, man?
Andy: So totally out of your league.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I just want you to know that I will be mean to Jessica if you want me to be.
Erin: Oh no, no. It's fine, Kelly.
Kelly: It's really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I just wanna say, this is not my fault. OK? The weak always bully the strong. Contrary to what you see in the media. I am always acting in self-defense. Occasionally preemptive self-defense. [punches Jim in the arm]
Jim: Ow. What are you doing?

Quote from Andy

Andy: My ex is meeting my secs, which is always scary, you know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis. That's just part of it.

Quote from Erin

Andy: Hey, everyone. I want you to meet Jessica, she is an assistant cross country coach at Bryn Mawr.
Erin: Wow.
Andy: Erin, by the way, amazing receptionist.
Jessica: Oh, that's great. Backbone of the office.
Erin: Which is funny, actually, because my spine is a mess.
Andy: What?
Jessica: Oh.
Erin: Scoliosis. Had to wear a back brace for three years but I never did.

Quote from Robert

Robert: The fifth one is for you, Erin. You could take it or leave it. To take it would be to accept that you're at a party and you're an adult woman, with an adventurous spirit. To leave it would be fine, too.
Phyllis: One, two three!
Kevin: Yes.
Erin: Okay.
Robert: Mmm. Wow.
Erin: Whoo! Jiminy Christmas!
Robert: Jiminy Christmas indeed.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: [on phone] Uh, yeah. I just got my replacement credit card... You want the number? Oh, it's, uh, 4-7-9-3-0-0-3-2-3-3-1-3. The security code is 9-2-7. Okay, great. Thank you very much. Bye.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: So Dwight did take the bait. He used my credit card numbers to send a two hundred dollar bouquet of flowers, to my wife... from me.
[also to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: [manic laughing] Boom!

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: I meant dressed up compared to normal. You usually dress like a ghost-buster.
Val: OK.
Darryl: I thought you'd wear a sweater.
Val: Since when does a sweater mean "dressed up"? Am I your grandson?
Darryl: Come on, stay, alright? It's good for people to get to know you.
Val: As a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, maybe.

Quote from Erin

Erin: [imitating Stanley] I want.. my sugar free cookie, and then I want a sugar cookie. [group laughs] And then I want my nap!
Stanley: That's right. [laughs]

Quote from Angela

Jim: OK, you know what? Why don't we just call animal control...
Dwight K. Schrute: Might wanna run that by Angela cause it's so cute.
Angela: No. Porcupines don't have souls. They're like dogs.

Quote from Kevin

Andy: Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes?
Erin: Every martini has an olive.
Andy: Okay. Maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something.
Kevin: I don't wanna put you out, but if someone's making oatmeal, I'll take an apple cinnamon and a maple brown sugar in one bowl with whole milk.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: You can't click on these Kardashian links. That's why you have so many viruses.
Kelly: Well, help me, okay? Just, uh take...
Ryan: I'm trying but you need to-

Quote from Oscar

Erin: I would like another alcohol.
Robert: Let's you and I take a walk. Oscar, you're in charge of the bar.
Oscar: What? I haven't bar tended in forever. Oh, never considered myself a mixologist. Oh this is daunting. Um, I need a mortar, pestle, muddler. Does anyone have any chocolate shavings?

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: ["Idiot" is written on his forehead] Ah, man. Ah. Fell asleep, took a nap. Hey guys. I feel refreshed now. How's it goin?
Oscar: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Took a little nap right next to Jim's desk. I feel so good right now. Mmm, cookies. What's everyone staring at?
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Oh man, I was supposed to tell Dwight something. C'mon, Jim. [shakes head] I got nothin'.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Your heart is broken. So is mine.
Erin: And...
Robert: And what?
Erin: And you have any advice or anything?
Robert: No! [laughs] My god.
Erin: Help me feel better.
Robert: I've been married thrice and each has ended in an acrimonious divorce. I'm not sure I'm the best person to give love advice. I was hoping you were gonna make me feel better.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [singing] Christmas tiiiime is heeeere! [regular voice] Wow. Thanks guys, that sounded amazing. Hi, I'm Andy Bernard and I am the first office Santa ever to make holiday wishes come true.

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: What is the status on my wish?
Andy: Fulfilled! Brought my bicycle, so I can be your designated driver later. In the event that you drink to much, which is by no means required.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?
Andy: That, I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon.
Dwight K. Schrute: Where? Dark side or light side?
Andy: Light side.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?
Andy: As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent. Beachfront.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you, Andy.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I love Jessica, and I haven't even met her yet. It's like we don't even need to meet, you know? I already love you. Stay home.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Merry Christmas, Erin. Kelly, Happy Pancha Ganapati.
Kelly: Ew. What is that?
Robert: The five day Hindu celebration in December honoring the god Ganesh, Patron of the Arts.
Kelly: Cool.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Hey, man.
Robert: Hey! Oh!
Kevin: How ya holdin' up...because of your wife leaving you?
Oscar: Kevin?
Robert: I actually appreciate the human intimacy. Feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla.
Kevin: Yeah.
Robert: It's been ten days since I had sexual intercourse.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Well, I hate to have to take my Santa hat off, and put on my hard ass hat. But, this is serious. It's come to my attention that somebody who shall remain nameless, wants to switch desk clumps.
Dwight K. Schrute: Fine with me. Jim can leave anytime he wants. Goodbye.
Jim: It wasn't me.
Andy: It wasn't either of you.
Jim: Kathy wants to leave our clump?
Andy: Sh-sh-sh-sh! Don't look. Who it was is not important, but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Alright. I'm gonna speak in a language you both understand... mo-nay.
Jim: What was that?
Dwight K. Schrute: What is it?
Andy: Money. You both have sizable Christmas bonuses coming your way. If I catch either of you messing with the other, I will give both bonuses to the other person.
Jim: Can't do that.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, absolutely not.
Andy: You need consequences, okay? I want you both walking on eggshells.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Oh yeah, and um there's a Christmas party upstairs tonight, wanted to tell you about.
Val: Isn't that just for popsicles?
Darryl: Popsicles?
Val: Yeah, upstairs people? Cause you got a stick up your butt?
Nate: Ah! See, I- I thought it was because they're so rich they could all eat popsicles all the time. [laughs] I, in my, I...
Darryl: Well you should definitely come. The foreman always comes. Plus it's fun, you know cookies, smoked fish, alcohol, people acting stupid.
Nate: You had me at "clookies." I can't wait to find out what they are.
Val: What should I wear?
Darryl: Oh, it's nice, it's real nice. People get dressed up.
Nate: I will look so handsome for you, Darryl.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Dwight really wants my bonus. He's trying to entrap me. Oh God, now I can't drink at this thing... I get really pranky when I drink.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Erin, what can I get for you?
Erin: Uh, do you have cola? Kirkland if you have it.
Robert: Now, why would you come to a bar and ask for a cola when you can get some from the kitchen? Did some small part of you want something a little stronger? Ryan, Kevin, Phyllis, Oscar, come and take these shots!

Quote from Erin

Andy: How many drinks have you had tonight? I can't be driving everybody home.
Erin: A thousand.
Andy: Whoa! Maybe you should take a break.
Erin: [seriously] Maybe you should mind your own business. [normal voice] Just kidding!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Ah! I've been attacked! Oh, my God! Oh! Someone put a porcupine in my drawer!
Toby: Oh, my God.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, I was just sitting here at my desk and I, I reached into my drawer to grab my toothbrush and some tooth powder and- and all of a sudden I was attacked by this blood thirsty rabid creature!
Jim: I wonder, in this office, who has access to a porcupine?
Dwight K. Schrute: Or who in this office knows that I have access and is trying to set me up?
Jim: Hmm...

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hello? Lacerated hand here folks.
Jim: Nice try, this is ridiculous.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh is it really? Two separate times you have set me up to believe I was being recruited by the CIA.
Jim: Three times.
Dwight K. Schrute: You see?
Andy: Jim, this has your fingerprints all over it.
Jim: Andy, you've gotta be kidding me.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Fingerprints can be planted. You know with a severed hand...
Kelly: Do you think that's what happened? Do you think he used a severed hand?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: [on the phone] Yes, I'm calling from Dunder Mifflin. We have a very rabid porcupine in our office, someone should come pick it up.
Dwight K. Schrute: Come down right away!
Jim: [on phone] Uh, I don't know, let me ask. [to Dwight] Uh, were you quilled?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, I was quilled.
Jim: And what's its name?
Dwight K. Schrute: Henrietta.
Jim: Oops.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish.
Andy: Ah, okay.
Erin: It's about you.
Andy: That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something.
Erin: t's that I wish Jessica was dead.
Andy: You- You- Wait. You mean you wish she wasn't here or something.
Erin: I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground...with worms coming out of her mouth.
Andy: Hey, you know, you can't say that, okay? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back.
Erin: Too late! It's already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar?

Quote from Jim

Jim: Let me just see that one more time. Yep, you know what? I know who my friends are, now. But I shouldn't have got you involved because the truth is, I don't even really care about this picture, it's a little out of focus. It was probably an accident, right? Like...
Oscar: That's no accident.
Jim: Right. You're right. So maybe it was me who did it...by accident.
Phyllis: What?
Oscar: What?
Jim: I'll figure it out. Get to the bottom of it... Merry merry.

Quote from Andy

Andy: You know those movies where two friends are sleeping together and it's like, hey, can they stay friends?
Jim: Yes.
Andy: Do you think two friends who are not sleeping together can stay friends?
Jim: Two friends who are not sleeping together, can they remain friends? Yes. Yep.
Andy: No. Idon't- Hmm. I don't know.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Jessica, did you just fart? [silence]
[aside to camera:]
Kelly: And that, is how it's done.

Quote from Creed

Creed: [seeing Darryl in a suit] Whoa. We got a real Clarence Thomas here.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Thank god Erin's getting a ride home with Robert because she is trashed. And who better to drive her home than Robert? I mean, what a stand up guy, you know. I mean he's going through a lot, separating from his wife, showing up to the Christmas party in a track suit and a blazer...

Quote from Andy

Meredith: Wonder what a studio condo would cost in this neighborhood?
Andy: Meredith, shut your drunk hole right now.


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