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‘Christmas Wishes’ Quotes

The Office: Christmas Wishes

810. Christmas Wishes

Aired December 8, 2011

Andy hopes to make everyone's wishes come true at the Christmas party. Seeing Andy with his new girlfriend, Erin drinks to excess. Meanwhile, Dwight and Jim try to get the other in trouble after Andy calls for an end to their pranks.

Quote from Stanley

Andy: Who's excited to get their holiday wishes?
Stanley: "Holiday wishes."
Andy: What's that, Stanley?
Stanley: We know exactly what holiday you're referring to.
Andy: It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party.
Stanley: I've been here eighteen years and have suffered through some weird thematic Christmases. A Honolulu Christmas, A Pulp Fiction Christmas, A Muslim Christmas, Moroccan Christmas. Mo-rocca Christmas. I don't want it. Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas.

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Quote from Stanley

Stanley: I don't want no Kwanza wreath. I don't need a dreidel in my face, that's its own thing. And who's that black Santa for?! I don't care! I know Santa ain't black! I could care less. I want Christmas! Just give me plain baby Jesus, lying in a manger, Christmas!

Quote from Toby

Toby: You know this sounds a lot like the premise of my latest Chad Flendermen novel. A murder for framing.
[aside to camera:]
Toby: Chad Flendermen. Just an easy going black guy, he knows the streets, yet he also went to Oxford. So... Just as comfortable on a motorcycle as he is on Air Force One. Oh and he's also the world's leading Egyptologist.
[back:]
Angela: Toby! Nobody cares about your sex-crazed black detective.
Toby: No, no, no, no, no. Women chase him. He misses his wife.

Quote from Robert

Andy: This party'll cheer you right up.
Robert: I hope so. The corporate party was wretched. I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas. It's rock-n-roll for people who don't like rock-n-roll. It's rap for people who don't like rap. It's pop for people who don't like pop...

Quote from Jim

Jim: I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday. Might not have been the best idea.

Quote from Creed

Andy: So, who's wish is next? Oh, what about Santa's wish? My biggest wish is that you all get along well with Jessica... C'mon guys, Jessica? Jim, tell 'em who Jessica is.
Jim: She's not your grandmother, is she?
Andy: Ugh! Gam-gam's name is Ruth, Jim, you should know. I introduced you on speakerphone that time?
Jim: Yeah.
Andy: Jessica is my super serious girlfriend, who is seriously awesome and seriously sexy. Only thing that's not serious, by the way? Our repartee.
Creed: That's great. When you know you know. Hey, what's Ruth's deal, man?
Andy: So totally out of your league.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I just want you to know that I will be mean to Jessica if you want me to be.
Erin: Oh no, no. It's fine, Kelly.
Kelly: It's really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I just wanna say, this is not my fault. OK? The weak always bully the strong. Contrary to what you see in the media. I am always acting in self-defense. Occasionally preemptive self-defense. [punches Jim in the arm]
Jim: Ow. What are you doing?

Quote from Andy

Andy: My ex is meeting my secs, which is always scary, you know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis. That's just part of it.

Quote from Erin

Andy: Hey, everyone. I want you to meet Jessica, she is an assistant cross country coach at Bryn Mawr.
Erin: Wow.
Andy: Erin, by the way, amazing receptionist.
Jessica: Oh, that's great. Backbone of the office.
Erin: Which is funny, actually, because my spine is a mess.
Andy: What?
Jessica: Oh.
Erin: Scoliosis. Had to wear a back brace for three years but I never did.

Quote from Robert

Robert: The fifth one is for you, Erin. You could take it or leave it. To take it would be to accept that you're at a party and you're an adult woman, with an adventurous spirit. To leave it would be fine, too.
Phyllis: One, two three!
Kevin: Yes.
Erin: Okay.
Robert: Mmm. Wow.
Erin: Whoo! Jiminy Christmas!
Robert: Jiminy Christmas indeed.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: [on phone] Uh, yeah. I just got my replacement credit card... You want the number? Oh, it's, uh, 4-7-9-3-0-0-3-2-3-3-1-3. The security code is 9-2-7. Okay, great. Thank you very much. Bye.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: So Dwight did take the bait. He used my credit card numbers to send a two hundred dollar bouquet of flowers, to my wife... from me.
[also to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: [manic laughing] Boom!

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: I meant dressed up compared to normal. You usually dress like a ghost-buster.
Val: OK.
Darryl: I thought you'd wear a sweater.
Val: Since when does a sweater mean "dressed up"? Am I your grandson?
Darryl: Come on, stay, alright? It's good for people to get to know you.
Val: As a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, maybe.

Quote from Erin

Erin: [imitating Stanley] I want.. my sugar free cookie, and then I want a sugar cookie. [group laughs] And then I want my nap!
Stanley: That's right. [laughs]

Quote from Angela

Jim: OK, you know what? Why don't we just call animal control...
Dwight K. Schrute: Might wanna run that by Angela cause it's so cute.
Angela: No. Porcupines don't have souls. They're like dogs.

Quote from Kevin

Andy: Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes?
Erin: Every martini has an olive.
Andy: Okay. Maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something.
Kevin: I don't wanna put you out, but if someone's making oatmeal, I'll take an apple cinnamon and a maple brown sugar in one bowl with whole milk.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: You can't click on these Kardashian links. That's why you have so many viruses.
Kelly: Well, help me, okay? Just, uh take...
Ryan: I'm trying but you need to-

Quote from Oscar

Erin: I would like another alcohol.
Robert: Let's you and I take a walk. Oscar, you're in charge of the bar.
Oscar: What? I haven't bar tended in forever. Oh, never considered myself a mixologist. Oh this is daunting. Um, I need a mortar, pestle, muddler. Does anyone have any chocolate shavings?

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: ["Idiot" is written on his forehead] Ah, man. Ah. Fell asleep, took a nap. Hey guys. I feel refreshed now. How's it goin?
Oscar: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Took a little nap right next to Jim's desk. I feel so good right now. Mmm, cookies. What's everyone staring at?
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Oh man, I was supposed to tell Dwight something. C'mon, Jim. [shakes head] I got nothin'.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Your heart is broken. So is mine.
Erin: And...
Robert: And what?
Erin: And you have any advice or anything?
Robert: No! [laughs] My god.
Erin: Help me feel better.
Robert: I've been married thrice and each has ended in an acrimonious divorce. I'm not sure I'm the best person to give love advice. I was hoping you were gonna make me feel better.


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