Andy: Who's excited to get their holiday wishes?
Stanley: "Holiday wishes."
Andy: What's that, Stanley?
Stanley: We know exactly what holiday you're referring to.
Andy: It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party.
Stanley: I've been here eighteen years and have suffered through some weird thematic Christmases. A Honolulu Christmas, A Pulp Fiction Christmas, A Muslim Christmas, Moroccan Christmas. Mo-rocca Christmas. I don't want it. Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas.

Stanley: I don't want no Kwanza wreath. I don't need a dreidel in my face, that's its own thing. And who's that black Santa for?! I don't care! I know Santa ain't black! I could care less. I want Christmas! Just give me plain baby Jesus, lying in a manger, Christmas!

Toby: You know this sounds a lot like the premise of my latest Chad Flendermen novel. A murder for framing.
[aside to camera:]
Toby: Chad Flendermen. Just an easy going black guy, he knows the streets, yet he also went to Oxford. So... Just as comfortable on a motorcycle as he is on Air Force One. Oh and he's also the world's leading Egyptologist.
[back:]
Angela: Toby! Nobody cares about your sex-crazed black detective.
Toby: No, no, no, no, no. Women chase him. He misses his wife.

Andy: This party'll cheer you right up.
Robert: I hope so. The corporate party was wretched. I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas. It's rock-n-roll for people who don't like rock-n-roll. It's rap for people who don't like rap. It's pop for people who don't like pop...

Andy: So, who's wish is next? Oh, what about Santa's wish? My biggest wish is that you all get along well with Jessica... C'mon guys, Jessica? Jim, tell 'em who Jessica is.
Jim: She's not your grandmother, is she?
Andy: Ugh! Gam-gam's name is Ruth, Jim, you should know. I introduced you on speakerphone that time?
Jim: Yeah.
Andy: Jessica is my super serious girlfriend, who is seriously awesome and seriously sexy. Only thing that's not serious, by the way? Our repartee.
Creed: That's great. When you know you know. Hey, what's Ruth's deal, man?
Andy: So totally out of your league.

Jim: I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday. Might not have been the best idea.

Dwight K. Schrute: I just wanna say, this is not my fault. OK? The weak always bully the strong. Contrary to what you see in the media. I am always acting in self-defense. Occasionally preemptive self-defense. [punches Jim in the arm]
Jim: Ow. What are you doing?

Andy: My ex is meeting my secs, which is always scary, you know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis. That's just part of it.

Andy: Hey, everyone. I want you to meet Jessica, she is an assistant cross country coach at Bryn Mawr.
Erin: Wow.
Andy: Erin, by the way, amazing receptionist.
Jessica: Oh, that's great. Backbone of the office.
Erin: Which is funny, actually, because my spine is a mess.
Andy: What?
Jessica: Oh.
Erin: Scoliosis. Had to wear a back brace for three years but I never did.

Robert: The fifth one is for you, Erin. You could take it or leave it. To take it would be to accept that you're at a party and you're an adult woman, with an adventurous spirit. To leave it would be fine, too.
Phyllis: One, two three!
Kevin: Yes.
Erin: Okay.
Robert: Mmm. Wow.
Erin: Whoo! Jiminy Christmas!
Robert: Jiminy Christmas indeed.