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37Quotes from ‘New Leads’

The Office: New Leads

620. New Leads

Aired March 18, 2010

When tension divides the office after Sabre emphasizes the sales staff, Michael decides to teach his cocky salespeople a lesson.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Salesman is king. As the best salesman, I am king of kings. Oh, you say Jesus is king of kings? Well. What does that say to you about how I think of myself?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Over the last few weeks, things have been changing here. Sabre says it is our duty to support the sales team and the salesmen are letting it go to their heads. I think it's kind of screwed up, because the way this place used to work was: make friends first, make sales second, make love third, in no particular order.

Quote from Michael Scott

Angela: I'm not going. You did this, not us.
Michael Scott: Okay, no, you encouraged it. You were complicit. Complicit. You were all successories!

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: What's the least we can do to make this okay?

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: I guess we could give them some of our new commissions.
Stanley: That is a dangerous precedent.
Jim: Pam texted back saying we could give them all iPods.
Phyllis: Oh, if they don't have an iPod by now they really don't want one.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: First up, the lost and found has gone missing. It itself is lost, so please try not to lose anything until we find it. Ah, pet day. If you don't have a pet, please don't feel like-
Stanley: When are we getting to sales topics?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: Sorry, Michael, I got calls to make.
Michael Scott: I would like your undivided attention, please.
Dwight K. Schrute: You couldn't handle my undivided attention.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Listen, Michael, about what happened earlier.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: When I was asking about the leads.
Michael Scott: M-hmm.
Dwight K. Schrute: ... is there any news on the leads?
Michael Scott: Is that all you have to say to me?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah. You got any news on the leads? Okay, I'll tell you what. I'm going out on a very important sales call. You get any news about the leads, you try me. All of my numbers. All six of my numbers, okay? Including the car phone! [leaves office] Alright, Dwight out!

Quote from Michael Scott

Gabe: [on phone] Michael, we spent a lot of money on those leads. You have to give them out.
Michael Scott: Then we are just rewarding their bad behavior. Okay. Just... imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice-cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice-cream cone.
Gabe: Michael, I don't want to incentivise murder. But we've tried to make it clear that our policy emphasizes sales staff.
Michael Scott: They act like I have no power.
Gabe: But you do. You are in charge-
Michael: Thank you.
Gabe: of supporting the sales staff. You are required to hand out those leads, Michael.
Michael Scott: Hmm. Well, if that is what I am required to do, I will do exactly that.
Gabe: Okay, good.
Michael Scott: Exactly that.
Gabe: Good.
Michael Scott: Exactly that.
Gabe: Why do you keep repeating- [Michael hangs up]

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Uh, these aren't leads. What are they?
Michael Scott: Oh, right, those are clues. And within each clue is a lesson. You learn a lesson, and then you find a lead. The leads are scattered all over the industrial park. I am trying to make your kids respect you. Because a father needs to respect his boss, and kids don't respect the father who doesn't respect the boss. Do you understand that line of logic?
Jim: I don't think you understand -
Michael Scott: I do understand it.
Jim: This one's a map.
Michael Scott: Or is it?

Quote from Jim

Pam: [on phone] Hey baby, what's up?
Jim: I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you?
Pam: Nothing but vomit and diapers over here.
Jim: Oh my god, I couldn't envy you more.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Having a baby is as exhausting as they say it is. Having two babies [holds up index cards], that's just unfair.

Quote from Jim

Jim: How about this one: "When arrogant salesmen are mean to my face, a certain manager will go to his moppy place."
Pam: He means his mopey place. It's under that streetlamp that he thinks was in Casablanca.
Jim: I love you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know, Dwight, there was a time when you'd be pinching yourself to have the opportunity to look through a dump with me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, well, the acorn becomes the oak.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Sometimes the acorn just stays the acorn. If you don't believe me, look in my gutters.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: You've changed, man.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, why, because I have a shot at a $100k commission?
Michael Scott: Since when do you care about money? When I first met you, you were a wide-eyed innocent.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey. There is nothing I can do about my wide-set eyes.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: When I first met you, I had a lot of job offers. And I had an offer from Ivan Schartsky. The Ivan Schartsky. And if I'd assistant managed him-
Michael Scott: Assistant to the managed him-
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, that's low! I would be number two right now at Home Depot!
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay? Because they promote from within. Instead I had to follow you. You're going nowhere.
Michael Scott: You think you would have done better without me? Really?
Dwight K. Schrute: I hitched my wagon to a horse with no legs.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [at the dump] Wow. Amazing, isn't it. No other animal on earth could do this. Maybe beavers. But not like this.

Quote from Stanley

Oscar: Way to go, guys. This was an integrity move.
Kevin: Yeah. When we walked in here, we were all prepared to tell you to go to hell.
Angela: Do you have any pastries without fruit?
Jim: Yes, we do. Eclairs.
Stanley: [entering room] Well, you better be happy, taking two percent of our-
Jim: -two percent milk! What I forgot for the coffee.
Phyllis: Our treats, Stanley, they've accepted our simple offer of treats. Nothing more.
Stanley: [beams] This is nice! [pats Oscar's shoulder] All of us back together.

Quote from Toby

Erin: I emptied it in the dumpster. With Toby's baba ganoush.
[aside to camera:]
Toby: If we don't patronize the only Syrian restaurant in town, there'll be nothing left but pan pizzas and make-your-own salads.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, Jim. Jim. Come here. Do you know who that is?
Jim: No.
Michael Scott: Look at him. Look at him. T-shirt, jeans...
Jim: Is he you?
Michael Scott: I am flattered. That's Johnny Depp.
Jim: Where did you take that?
Michael Scott: In my condo complex.
Jim: Oh my God, that's right. I read in People magazine that he was looking for a two-bedroom condo in Scranton.
Michael Scott: I am flipping out, man. I mean, you remember my idea for the fourth Pirates movie.
Jim: Sure. That they should do one.
Michael Scott: [pirate accent] Hey, Jim. Jim, where- Where do I find the Black Pearl?
Jim: Who's that?
Michael Scott: Captain Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow, Jim.
Jim: John Dillinger.
Michael Scott: No. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.
Jim: Captain Crunch.
Michael Scott: Okay, okay. Screw you, Halpert. You know, it's not easy getting excited about stuff. Remember how you felt when you thought you'd seen Roger Clemens?
Jim: At the Yankees game. Yeah.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Well, it wasn't him.
Jim: I had a little better reason to believe that... You're right. You're right. Well, you're not right, because Johnny Depp...
Michael Scott: I know, I know.
Jim: ...in your condo complex.
Michael Scott: I know! It also explains why the name on his mailbox was M. Shulman.
Jim: M. Night Shulman?

Quote from Andy

Phyllis: But is there anything relevant to the sales staff here?
Michael Scott: No sales topic per se.
Andy: Well then no Andy Bernard per se.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Wow, wowie wowie. Congratulations. It's a big check. [Jim stands in the corner, texting]
Jim: Oh, sorry, wait one second.
Michael Scott: Stop sexting Pam. I'm trying to congratulate you.

Quote from Darryl

Michael Scott: The sales department smashed my sandwich?
Darryl: Yes. All of 'em. Together. It's a conspiracy. Listen to me, Mike, you gotta do something about them.
Michael Scott: You don't get it.
Darryl: You need to get back on top.
Michael & Darryl: That's what she said.
Darryl: Yeah.

Quote from Phyllis

Jim: What'd you get?
Michael Scott: Ah, just the stupid leads.
Jim: Alright!
Stanley: About time.
Andy: Me likey!
Phyllis: Finally, Michael. Hand 'em over, numb nuts. [Michael stares at her incredulously] But seriously. It's your job to give us those leads.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Alright. Then I guess I should give them out. Hold on. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that I have something that you want. You guys are acting like you own this place. And you don't. Not even Sabre owns this place. It's a rental. I'm kind of sick of the attitude around here. I'm sick of the cocky walk. I am sick of you throwing your paycheck in my face. I am sick of your uppity attitude, Jim. I think I am not going to give these to you. [Angela, Kevin and Oscar applaud]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hello. May I have everyone's attention, please? Gabe has instructed me to hand out the leads, so I'm going to give the leads to... King Creed!
Phyllis: What are you-
Michael Scott: And to King Meredith!
Stanley: They aren't salespeople!
Michael Scott: And to King Angela! Because today we are all kings. And queens.

Quote from Angela

Angela: Oh, how the tables have turned. I see you got my e-mail.
Phyllis: Are you gonna give me the leads or not?
Angela: I'll give you the leads. But you know what? It's going to cost you some clerical work [hands Phyllis a mountain of paperwork].
Phyllis: What are these for?
Angela: It doesn't matter. Fill them out. All of them. Then when you're done, you can watch me shred them.

Quote from Ryan

Kelly: I want to watch the Kardashians! I don't want to watch boring-
Ryan: It's my-
Stanley: The Kardashians is a good show.
Ryan: No it's- How would he even know the Kardashians?
Kelly: It's about a family. A real-life family.
Ryan: No, Stanley, do you-

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Today I turned an office crisis into a teachable moment. A lesser manager would have screwed this day up royally. I can imagine some yokel sitting behind his desk saying take a lead, learn nothing. Some people shouldn't be in this business.

Quote from Erin

Andy: Hey. I guess you probably won't give me your leads since I'm a jerk salesman.
Erin: Yeah. I basically wish you were dead. [smiles] I hid the leads.
Andy: Where?
Erin: [mimes zipping mouth and throwing away key, Andy begins to walk away] Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Warmer. Hot. [Andy's hands hover above her chest] Hotter. Pretty hot. Lower.
Andy: Are you...
Erin: Lower.
Andy: Are you sure?
Erin: Lower. [lifts up her keyboard to reveal the leads.]

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: What are you doing, idiot?
Jim: Michael's stupid scavenger hunt.
Dwight K. Schrute: Scavenger hunt? Here. I can solve it. Give it. [grabs card] "The treasure you seek is in the parking lot under the first president."
Jim: [taps car] Lincoln.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael? Michael, you were supposed to tell me when the leads came in.
Michael Scott: Well, big shot, "If you want to find your leads, go to the man who never breathes."
Dwight K. Schrute: Kevin! Damn it.

Quote from Meredith

Dwight K. Schrute: Where are they?
Kevin: Turn the trash. Turn the trash.
Dwight K. Schrute: Turn the trash... It's code. Alright, Meredith, take off your dress.
Meredith: Okey-dokey.
Kevin: No, dear god. No, it's in the trash can. In the kitchen.
Meredith: It's coming off anyway.

Quote from Michael Scott

Phyllis: Michael, why would we all go to the dump?
Michael Scott: Why? Because I am not going to call Sabre and say, 'Hi, you know those very valuable expensive leads that you gave us earlier today? Well, because of a screw-up by a staff member, they're now in the city dump."
Stanley: Not your staff, Michael. You.
Michael Scott: Well, that's not the way it's going to sound. Here's what we're going to do. We'll go to the dump, we'll look around, then we'll all go out and get pizza, maybe catch a movie, late-night drink, some more pizza, call it a night. What do you-
Toby: Does it have to be pizza? Can we go for a, falafel?
Michael Scott: Really?

Quote from Kelly

Jim: Phew! Can't wait for this day to be over.
Kelly: Why?
Jim: Just all the drama.
Kelly: What drama?
Jim: Between the- Us and you guys. It's unnecessary, right?
Kelly: So unnecessary.
Jim: Oh, good, phew, thank god you said that.
Kelly: I mean, if the salesmen weren't acting like such a bunch of stuck-up losers, then this day wouldn't be so bad, did you ever think of that?
Jim: I have new baby pictures.
Kelly: Don't use your cute baby to make us like you.
Jim: She's wearing a onesie...

Quote from Phyllis

Stanley: If we act nice now, then we're rewarding them for treating us poorly.
Jim: Didn't we kind of start it?
Phyllis: I think you're remembering that wrong?
Andy: Yeah.
Phyllis: I don't know about this. I mean, I think we should hold our ground. The company's changed, and if they don't like it, they can leave. I mean, a lot of their work can be done from India.

Quote from Andy

Jim: Alright. Then we're back to cash. And I got to say, if giving a small percentage of our commissions is going to smooth all this over, I'm for it.
Phyllis: Okay, fine. Cash it is.
Andy: Erin just texted me back. 'People love shells from far-away beaches".

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Know what would be a great picture here? Just this whole dump, and in the middle, one flower. That's it. And the caption would read:
Dwight K. Schrute: Hope grows-
Michael Scott: -in the dump.


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