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‘Gettysburg’ Quotes

The Office: Gettysburg

808. Gettysburg

Aired November 17, 2011

Andy tries to inspire his workers in the battle of business with a trip to Gettysburg. Meanwhile, Robert brain storms with the "free thinkers" who stayed behind in the office.

Quote from Pam

Gabe: Comply with all applicable laws, regulations, policies and contracts governing our business. Be honest, fair-
Pam: [whispers to Jim] I'm gonna do it.
Gabe: And trustworthy in all your business activities and relationships. Treat one another-
Pam: Oh! I'm going into labor! Oh my goodness!
Jim: Oh okay, she's going into labor. Make way, everybody!
[aside to camera:]
Pam: I know it's wrong to fake going into labor just to get out of things, but sometimes it's necessary.

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Quote from Kevin

Ryan: Robert, I hate to interrupt. But I would love to pitch you one last idea. I call it the Big Mac idea.
Kevin: What?!? No!
Robert: Big Mac idea. That sounds encouraging.
Ryan: It's really, really good Robert. Let me explain.
Kevin: No! This is not fair! This is my idea. He's trying to steal it because he's jealous of me.
Robert: Well, what is the idea?
Kevin: Every time you buy a Big Mac you set one ingredient aside. Then at the end of the week you have a free Big Mac. And you love it even more because you made it with your own hands.
Ryan: You know what? Now, I remember. That was your idea. That is 100 percent your idea.
Robert: [nervous chuckle] Oh, my. It was just actually cookies the whole time?

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: If your woman is like mine, I bet you come home to hear the same thing all the time. This paper is so hard. It scratches. Why can't there be a paper just for me? Well, now there is. 'Papyr.' Paper for women. It's pink, scented and silky soft. Now, you can watch the game and she can write a letter to her sister.
Robert: The situation you described, returning home to a wife complaining about her paper being too masculine, is not one I'm familiar with.
Stanley: In the African-American community-
Robert: No.
Stanley: [murmurs] Thought it was worth a try.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: Apparently, I bear a passing resemblance to Abraham Lincoln. Makes it kind of hard for me to go to places like museums, historical monuments, elementary schools... I don't see it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting. Second-most northern battle in the Civil War.
Oscar: Actually, it is the northernmost.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ha!
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. [scoffs] Whatever. I'm over it. It's just grossly irresponsible.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Robert, you got your sheep and you got your black sheep, and I'm not even a sheep. I'm on the freaking moon.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Yeah, well, the bus has free WiFi and I made special low-sugar lunches for everyone. And is anyone kosher or halal?
Ryan: What's the halal option?
Andy: Dates, tabbouleh, and a bagel with cream cheese.
Ryan: Out.
Andy: You know, it's the same as the kosher option. There's a lesson in there.

Quote from Ryan

Robert: I am so eager to hear your game-changers. Let's dig in, shall we?
Ryan: May I go first?
Robert: Absolutely.
Ryan: Raw fish. The disgusting food from Japan that Americans would never want to eat. Now, we can't get enough of it. From movie stars to construction workers, sushi is what's for dinner. Let me throw another idea at you. Origami. What? The crazy art of paper folding from, that's right, Japan. Don't you wish you could go back to 1980 and open the first sushi restaurant in Manhattan? We can do that! With... origami. It's the sushi of paper.
Robert: This idea hasn't gripped me. What else did you come up with?
Ryan: Well, I had to memorize the presentation, Robert, and it took a long time to build the swan, so-
Robert: That was bad.

Quote from Kevin

Robert: Kevin, you've been quiet. I'm curious to know what your game-changer is.
Kevin: Well, you know how in the vending machine they have the chocolate chip cookies in the A-1 spot? They do that 'cause they think A-1's the best spot for the best cookie. But the real best spot is D-4. Right? That's where the eyes go. So...
Robert: Cookies. Cookie placement.
Kevin: Yeah. But not just the cookies, though. That was just a 'for instance.'
Robert: Who else agrees with Kevin, that we're wasting facilities, manpower, on our underselling products when we should be pushing our top-performers? [slowly everyone raises their hand; Robert laughs] There you go. Consensus.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Okay, we are now on a planet where Kevin is the most creative person around, and I am just some good-looking guy.

Quote from Kevin

Robert: And why is Blackrock suddenly the paragon by which all hedge funds must now be compared?
Kevin: I don't know.
Robert: Right. I mean you're an accountant. Those bogus prospectuses must drive you insane.
Kevin: Yes, I am an accountant.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Archivist: There you go.
Narrator: [on video] Families and sweethearts back home waited desperately for letters from the front.
Soldier: [on video] Dearest mother I'm sorry it has been so long since my last letter. It is three months since I arrived at Schrute Farms and I fear I may never leave this place alive. Melvin Fifer Garris.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hallowed ground.
Narrator: [on video] But the Battle at Schrute Farms was no battle at all. It was a code used by pacifists from both North and South who turned the Pennsylvania farmhouse into an artistic community and a refuge from the war.
Amanda: [on video] You have to understand. Poets, artists, dancers, these kind of men preferred peace to war. These delicate lovely men found a place of refuge among the Schrutes at Schrute Farms. Amidst the macho brutality of war this was a place where dandies and dreamers could put on plays and sing tender ballads and dance in the moonlight. I like to think of Schrute Farms as the Underground Railroad for the sensitive... and well... fabulous.
Oscar: Wow. This is so much better than the story you made up.
Dwight K. Schrute: I've seen enough.
Oscar: You're right. There should be a monument to this.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Andy, this whole idea of our situation being just like war? It's just not true. We just work at a paper company. And you're our regional manager. And guess what man? You don't have to prove anything. We like you as regional manager. And if you don't believe me take a look at what's on my head. I'm wearing a very pink hat. I've been getting weird looks all day because I'm pretty sure "DM does GB" means something kinda sexual. But guess who's wearing them? All of us. Just for you man. That's huge.

Quote from Andy

Andy: The world will little note, nor long remember the fight Jim and I had here at Gettysburg and that's good because I was basically wrong. I wanted my team to be, like, this army and I was their general. But I guess it's really more like they're just people who work in an office and I'm their manager. Yeah, that's really probably a better analogy now that I think about it.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: The Sabre Code of Conduct outlines the governing principles key to establishing and maintaining trust with our employees, clients-
Kelly: Oh my God, kill me!
Andy: Hey! All right, obviously we all want to die but we have to get through this. So, Gabe go ahead. It's okay.
Gabe: Oh, is it okay with you? Because if it's not, you work for me, so...

Quote from Andy

Andy: [on the phone] What?! They took another client from us? Okay, bye. Man! Business is war! Customers, clients... It's like a war out there.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: I am a leader. But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today I'm turning the inspire-factor up to ten with a little help from my friend America's bloodiest battle.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Oh, hi there.
Pam: Plants and- Hi, Robert! Hey. Um, how are you doing? Good to see you again.
Robert: Where is everyone? Where is Andy?
Kelly: Andy took some of the other people on a corporate retreat to Gettysburg.
Robert: Well, I was hoping to talk out some ideas with Andy. But what we have here... is perhaps better. By not going on the trip, you've shown you're the free-thinkers of the office.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: After Chancellorsville, Lee brought his army up the Shenandoah Valley, right through here! They stopped in this field for a picnic, which they called lunch.
Erin: [to Dwight] Yeah, but I'm confused...
Dwight K. Schrute: Total deaths belongs to Gettysburg but when you're talking about D.P.A., that's deaths per acre...
Erin: Mm-hmm.
Dwight K. Schrute: ...nothing beats the battle of Schrute Farms.
Erin: Oh. D.P.A. sounds way more important that total deaths.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, it is. And you should read some of these letters that the soldiers wrote home. I mean, it makes the battle of Gettysburg sound like a bunch of schoolgirls wrestling over a hairbrush. [laughs] I'm telling you, they're heartbreaking too. So beautifully written.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Oscar: Dwight, what are you telling this girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: The truth.
Oscar: Stop filling her head with nonsense, okay? She doesn't know any better.
Erin: Oscar, I am so glad you just got here. I would've believed everything he said.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no! You're filling her head with nonsense. You and the history books. I'm telling the truth.
Erin: Interesting.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, thank you. All of history has been whitewashed.
Oscar: Really? Why don't you tell us the real history, Gore Vidal?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I will. I don't know who that is, but I'm gonna tell you this-
Oscar: He's a historian.
Dwight K. Schrute: Gettysburg was very important. Credit where credit is due, okay? Big, mad props to Gettysburg. Was it, however, the most northern battle of the civil war?
Oscar: Yes, yes, yes!
Dwight K. Schrute: Not by a long shot!
Erin: No!
Oscar: Yes!
Dwight K. Schrute: No, it was not!
Oscar: Argh!
Dwight K. Schrute: No, it was not. Was it the second-most northern?
Oscar: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: Sure! I will cede it was the second-most northernmost battle!
Oscar: Erin-
Dwight K. Schrute: Was it the northernmost? No. Get out of here, Oscar.
Erin: Get out of here!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Darryl: That's fascinating. Tell me, what's the significance of the peach orchard, thought?
Park Ranger: Oh, well, that's a great question. Actually some of the most-
Dwight K. Schrute: Excuse me, I got a question for you.
Park Ranger: Sure.
Dwight K. Schrute: Can you tell us about the battle of Schrute Farms?
Park Ranger: Uh, I haven't heard of that one.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really? Okay, follow-up question. How much are they paying you to keep your mouth shut?
Oscar: I apologize for my friend and for the Republicans who are cutting your funding.

Quote from Gabe

Chelsea's Mom: Chelsea, give Mr. Lincoln your hat so I can take a picture.
Gabe: Okay, Quick.
Man: Hey! Lincoln's starting.
Gabe: Oh, uh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm, uh, I'm actually with a tour group myself, so- [laughter] Hello! I'm Abraham Lincoln! Some people call me the great emancipator, but, uh, you might know me from the penny. [laughter]

Quote from Pam

Pam: Okay. You know the test booklets that they give out in all the schools. I was thinking that we could put a coupon in the back that people would mail in to us... and as, you know, as I tell it, I don't like it. Unless, of course, you are responding to it.
Robert: I am not.
Pam: Um, excuse me. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: At this point, when you're this pregnant, it's kind of like senior spring. The other day I spit my gum out on the carpet.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: [as Lincoln] I just don't understand. It's 1865, victory is ours, I've saved the very soul of our nation, and yet... happiness eludes me. Oh, perhaps a trip to the theater will enliven my spirits.
Audience: No!

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: 'Kay, so another thing about oatmeal cookies. Who even wants them? I mean, I've seen Toby eat one, like, once, but other than that... [scoffs] Like, forget it.
Robert: Interesting. So what is Dunder Mifflin's oatmeal cookie? What is the product that no one wants?
Stanley: How 'bout that two-hole-punch letter? Only the lawyers want that punch at the top and they use legal.
Robert: That's the oatmeal cookie. Fantastic, Kevin. Fantastic. [laughs]
Kevin: Thank you.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: I don't think I should walk anymore. You know all I had for breakfast was oatmeal, yogurt, coffee, orange juice and toast. Two poached eggs. And then half a sandwich on the bus. I can't.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Oscar: Dwight, this is one of the archivists here. I thought maybe we could consult him.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really?
Oscar: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well. Anyone employed by the Gettysburg Industrial Complex is certainly going to want to keep quiet about the Battle of Schrute Farms.
Archivist: Schrute Farms did you say? That is a fascinating little chapter of the Civil War.
Oscar: You've heard about it?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes! Ha! Prepare to be refuted! Go on.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Never trust a cookie with a woman's name. Pecan Sandy. Lorna Doone. Madeline. They'll just break your heart.
Robert: [laughing] Kevin!


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