Gabe: Corporate says to me, "Gabe, we need you in Scranton." Scranton says, "Gabe, go back down to Florida. You're needed there." So, Tuesdays and Thursdays, I'm up there. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I'm down here. I can think of no better way to confront my deathly fear of flying.

Gabe: Is this job really about the money for you, Jim? I mean, isn't this where you fell in love?
Jim: A commission cap takes away my incentive to sell. So you realize I now have no reason to work, right?
Gabe: When you're dealing with a large organization, sometimes you have to put up with policies you don't like. I wish my gym didn't allow full nudity in the locker room. Okay, seeing these old guys walking around naked feels almost passive-aggressive. But I deal with it. 'Cause it's policy. See what I mean?
Jim: Nope.
Gabe: Nudity makes me uncomfortable.
Jim: Okay.
Gabe: My gym allows it. I wish they didn't, but it's policy. So I respect it, and I just keep a low- You know, I look away. Think about your commission cap as a naked old man in a gym locker room.

Gabe: Apparently, I bear a passing resemblance to Abraham Lincoln. Makes it kind of hard for me to go to places like museums, historical monuments, elementary schools... I don't see it.

Gabe: [on the phone] You can reduce your prices by ten percent or we're going to be finding a new source for our morning bagels. All right. [hangs up]
Dwight K. Schrute: Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy.
Gabe: Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house?
Dwight K. Schrute: Meat grinder.
Gabe: [makes buzzer sound] Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know, Gabe, you could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic.

Gabe: I cannot believe that Andy is throwing a party like this just to impress the CEO. Classic Gabe move. Hey, Andy, how about you don't steal my business strategies, and I won't dress like my life is just one long brunch?

Gabe: How many windows are there in New York City?
Andy: What?
Gabe: Critical thinking. Common, on-the-spot question asked in an interview.
Andy: Okay. Let me think... Are you counting car windows?
Gabe: No... How far away is the Sun?
Andy: [happily] Uh, 93 million miles.
Jim: [to Gabe] Is it?
Andy: Yeah! And the diameter of the Sun is 870,000 miles, which makes it 109 times wider than the Earth, and... 333,000 times heavier than the Earth,...
Gabe: Shut up about the Sun! Shut up about the Sun! [slams fist]

Jim: So, Andy, what improvements would you make as office manager?
Andy: For starters, I really think we can streamline communication around here...
Gabe: Whoa! That's a very heavy accusation to level against Toby.
Andy: I wasn't acc-, accusing...
Gabe: Well, Toby's in charge of Human Resources, that would include communication. I think that Toby's done a fine job.
Andy: Right! I really wasn't trying to insult any, anyone.
Toby: I didn't think you were.
[aside to camera:]
Gabe: I have two relationships with Andy. I have a personal relationship, and I have a professional relationship. Personally, yeah, I think he's a rat, and I think he's responsible for the demise of my relationship with Erin. Professionally... he broke up the happiest couple in this office!

Gabe: I picked out our movie. It's called "Suspiria". It pushes all the boundaries. All your preconceived notions about what horror can be come crashing down.
Erin: When I win...
Gabe: Ooh.
Erin: We're gonna watch "WALL-E", where all the boundaries of color are pushed.
[aside to camera:]
Gabe: It is hard to explain why Erin is doing so well today. The only thing I can think is Erin is living out some "Slumdog Millionaire" scenario, where every word she's playing has a connection to her orphan past. It's possible.

Andy: Every guy in this room has been touched by this affliction. Tuna? T-dog?
Jim: Um...
Darryl: Um... I have other issues. I'm terrible at math. Overweight. You- You're in great shape. A lot better shape than I am, tell you what.
Robert: It seems Andy is the only one with this problem. Fascinating.
Andy: Fascinating.
Gabe: I don't really see what the problem is. Erin doesn't even like sex, remember? You said it feels like getting tackled by a skeleton.

Alice: So you're dating a secretary now? Moving up in the world, Pete.
Pete: She's nice to me.
Alice: How's that P.E. degree coming? That's what he wanted to be. His dream in college was to be a gym teacher.
Erin: Well, guess what? He could still be a gym teacher. In fact, we could all still be gym teachers, so, let's-
Gabe: I technically cannot. I don't have the lung capacity to blow a whistle.
Pete: Oh, my God.