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49Quotes from ‘Dwight Christmas’

The Office: Dwight Christmas

909. Dwight Christmas

Aired December 6, 2012

As Jim gets ready to leave for Philadelphia, he and Pam finally let Dwight host a "Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas" party complete with Belsnickel, gluhwein and hasenpfeffer. Meanwhile, Darryl is angry that Jim hasn't mentioned anything more about a job for him in Philly, and Pete introduces Erin to "Die Hard".

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: In a head-to-head contest, people prefer Belsnickel over Santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. It was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Or, who was it that suggested the authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? I think it was someone really popular.
Phyllis: We already said no.
Angela: No, no, no.
Nellie: Too weird.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. There's me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesn't come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo, matrix style.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [plays a trumpet] And Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas has officially begun.
Meredith: Ugh. What is this stuff, lava?
Dwight K. Schrute: That is gluhwein, otherwise known as glow-wine, also used to sterilize medical instruments. And, interesting factoid, this is the very spoon that guided my soft skull through the birth canal when I was born. Enjoy.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with Saint Nicolas's rural German companion, Belsnickel.
Jim: Yes! That! That! That! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?

Quote from Kevin

Nellie: Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-Cupcakes?
Kevin: Mini-Cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?

Quote from Creed

Stanley: No. I want Tropical Christmas.
Meredith: Topless Christmas.
Creed: Tapas Swiss Miss.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: Spanish tapas, and Swiss Miss Hot cocoa. What's so hard to understand?

Quote from Jim

Jim: I'm not understanding the confusion. Am I the only one who wants to try hufflepuffs and schnauzerhosen, and meet this glenpickle guy?

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: We found some old decorations in the warehouse. Oscar ran to the store for some food and drink, and I dipped into my stash of eggnog. I guess they needed me after all. It's like in it's a wonderful life when Jimmy Stewart realizes that all those people at the building and loan were just jerks, and he was the real hero.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [cackling] Oh! [In a German Accent] Judgment is nigh, for the Belsnickel ist I!
Jim: Yes, he is finally nigh.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am nigh!
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Every year, my grandfather would dress up as Belsnickel at Christmas. He was... okay at it. I am great. You know how they say some people were born to be bad? Well, I was born to be Belsnickel.

Quote from Toby

Nellie: Oh, it sounds like the party's starting up out there.
Toby: Yeah. So anyway, the entire jury wants me to vote guilty. But then I did a little research of my own, and forget everything you thought you knew about fingerprinting.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, excuse me. Trying to get work done. Some people don't care about Jim's new sports job in Phila-Whatever.
Jim: So you know my job has something to do with sports, but you don't know the end of the word "Philadelphia"?
Dwight K. Schrute: Philadelphia. From the greek phila meaning "love," and adelph, meaning "Adolf", "the city that loves Adolf." Good luck with your new enterprise and don't wear the blue striped shirt. It makes your neck look like an old mop handle.

Quote from Oscar

Erin: Oh, hey, guys, the Christmas party is today. Merry Christmas, everyone!
Angela: No.
Nellie: Is It?
Erin: I mean, it says "X-Mas party," but I think we all know what that's code for.
Kevin: So we're not going to have a Christmas party this year? Angela, how could you do this to us?
Angela: Oh, right, like I'm responsible 'cause I'm in charge of the party planning committee.
Kevin: Well, you are the one in charge of it.
Angela: Don't blame me for something we all forgot.
Oscar: Yeah, let's not blame her for something we all forgot.
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: I didn't realize how many of Angela's opinions I agreed with, until she tried to have my kneecap shattered for sleeping with her husband. She makes a lot of very sound points.

Quote from Pam

Pam: [clears throat] The party planning committee, minus Angela, has decided that we're all going to do Dwight's Christmas.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes! Yeah! [high fives Jim] Yeah! Okay! Yes! It's a Christmas Miracle! [high fives Pam] Yeah! Woo-Hoo!
Pam: Dwight, there is one rule that you need to take very seriously.
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh-huh.
Pam: And that is...
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, Oh.
Pam: That there are no rules.
Dwight K. Schrute: You have never been cooler.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I'm having second thoughts about one of the shirts I packed. The blue one with the stripes.
Pam: I'm sure it's fine. It's a blue shirt.
Jim: Well, yeah, but I'm wondering if it's too blue. Like, am I making a statement with the blueness?
[aside to camera:]
Jim: I am leaving early today for Philly, because tomorrow is the first day of my new job. So I figure I'd get in at 5:00, check into a hotel at about 6:00 so I can get a real good night of restless sleep and nervous puking.

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: [scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!

Quote from Pete

Pete: I'm just hoping German terrorists don't take over this Christmas party. Make me go all John McClane on their asses.
Erin: Wait, German terrorists? That's oddly specific. And I think- I think you mean John McCain.
Pete: "Die Hard" reference.
Erin: I haven't seen it.
Pete: You haven't seen "Die Hard"?

Quote from Stanley

Jim: We're thinking of collaborating with Mike Schmidt on some of his charity work.
Stanley: I love Philly. Dirty town.

Quote from Toby

Toby: You know who's not gonna get to work on some exciting new startup this year? George Howard Skub, a.k.a. the alleged Scranton strangler, because he's in prison for something he may not have done.
Nellie: I'm sorry, the--Uh, the Scranton who?
Toby: The Scranton strangler. George Howard Skub. Haven't I told you about the jury I was on a couple years ago?
Nellie: [gasps] Oh, what happened? I mean, if you can talk about it, obviously. Because if you can't, I mean, I understand.
Toby: I- I could... I could talk about it.
Stanley: [pats Nellie on the shoulder as he walks out] See you next Christmas.
Toby: I could, sure. Have a seat. I would start at the beginning, but I think I need to go farther back.

Quote from Oscar

Pam: We are the party planning committee, and we did not get where we are by playing it safe. We got here by being risk takers. And, yeah, Dwight's party is gonna be terrible. Maybe. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's going to be great. And if it's great... I think we all know what that would mean to us.
Phyllis: Let's do it!
Pam: Yes! Phyllis!
Angela: No. I don't want my name attached to this party.
Pam: What does that even mean? Where would your name appear?
Angela: Please just take my name off of everything.
Oscar: Just take her name off of everything.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: What is it? [Jim lifts the hog maw with a fork] Don't touch it.
Dwight K. Schrute: [Comes running up at startles Pam] Somebody's found the hog maw.
Pam: Oh!
Dwight K. Schrute: What? It's a Pennsylvania Dutch specialty. Hog maw. That's a beauty, isn't it? I don't even want to tell you what it's made of until after you try it.
Stanley: Ugh. I'm not eating mystery meat.
Dwight K. Schrute: It is stuffed pig stomach. And, after we finish it, we get to break the pig rib.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Meredith: Weird. Where are the sugar cookies? Where's the karaoke machine?
Dwight K. Schrute: This is austere, Meredith. This is celebrating Christmas for all of the right reasons. The cookies and toys and sweets are mere distractions. I mean, most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a shepherd's crook, which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.
Oscar: How would anyone even know-
Dwight K. Schrute: Have you ever tasted a shepherd's crook?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Ooh, belsnickel has traveled from distant lands to discover how all the boys and the girls have been behaving this last year. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! [pokes Stanley's stomach with a stick] Oh, too much strudel.
Jim: So he's kind of like Santa, except dirty and worse.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, much better. No one fears Santa the way they fear Belsnickel.
Jim: Wow! It's my favorite part of Christmas. The authority.
Pam: And the fear.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, exactly!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [German accent] Take a bowl and pass it down.
Phyllis: Thank you, Dwight. These are nice.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, these are gift bowls. When you receive a gift, it will go in the bowl, but the bowls must be returned at the end. They're a set. Now, hold your bowls forward. The Belsnickel will decide if you are impish or admirable.
Jim: Oh, it's like naughty or nice.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, impish or admirable.
Jim: Quick question: Do you just decide who gets what in the moment, or did you make a list?
Dwight K. Schrute: I decided earlier.
Jim: Oh, nice. Did you check that list?
Dwight K. Schrute: Of course I checked it.
Jim: But more than once? 'cause you could have made a mistake.
Dwight K. Schrute: I checked it more than once.
Jim: Okay, so you made a list, you checked it twice, and now you're gonna find out who's-
Dwight K. Schrute: Impish or admirable.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Phyllis Vance! Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year as... admirable. [Jim claps] There you are. [Dwight selects her gift and places it in her bowl]
Phyllis: Oh. What are these?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a set of rubber gaskets for canning jars.
Phyllis: I'd rather have the bowl.
Dwight K. Schrute: You can't have the bowl!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oscar Martinez, cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year [looks over at Angela] ... as impish! [hits Oscar with a stick]
Oscar: Ow! You hit people with that thing?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, I'm carrying around the stick in order to look cool.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, where are you going?
Jim: I have to go to Philly. But this was amazing. Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: But you work tomorrow.
Jim: Yeah, I know, I'd just like to settle in and get a good night's sleep.
Dwight K. Schrute: But we were gonna break the pig rib.
Jim: Ooh.
Dwight K. Schrute: Remember?
Jim: That's right.
Dwight K. Schrute: No matter! Belsnickel cares not about this- Off with you!
Jim: Perfect. Merry Christmas, everybody.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't you want to know your present?
Jim: You know what? Yeah. Have at it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim Halpert. Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! [Jim holds his hands like a bowl] I judge your year as impish. [hits Jim with stick]
Jim: Oh! Are you nuts?
Dwight K. Schrute: [hits Jim thrice more] I judge you impish!
Jim: Ow! Ow! Okay, that is three, and you didn't hit anybody that hard.
Dwight K. Schrute: They're not abandoning the party.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: What's going on?
Dwight K. Schrute: Party's over. You quit on Christmas, Christmas quits on you. [to camera] And guess what, kids. Belsnickel isn't real. It's me, Dwight!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: For what it's worth, I liked your party better.
Dwight K. Schrute: Everyone thought the food was gross, and that Belsnickel was some darkly erotic freak.
Pam: I don't think anyone thought that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim couldn't even stay till the end of the party.
Pam: Well, that didn't have anything to do with you.
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't care. Guess how much I care on a scale of one to ten.
Pam: Zero.
Dwight K. Schrute: Damn It!

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.

Quote from Kevin

Pete: Why haven't you seen "Die Hard"?
Erin: I don't know, I just haven't.
Kevin: Come on, you had to have at least seen some of it.
Erin: No.
Kevin: "Now, i have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho."
Pete: "Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs."
Erin: None of this makes any sense to me!
Kevin: Oh, yeah, and when he takes the gun off his back, and he's like, "Yippie-Ki-Yay, mother--"
Pete: Actually, he doesn't say that there. He says it earlier when he's on the radio with Hans.
Kevin: Yes, you are right. Forgive me.
Pete: Oh, that's okay, bud.
Kevin: Nope. [leaves]
Pete: Common mistake.
Kevin: No, it's not.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Nerd! Do you know every line of the movie?
Pete: My brother dared me to memorize it, and I did it, and loved doing it.
Erin: Okay, let's hear it.
Pete: Hear what?
Erin: Die Hard. Every line. Go.
Pete: "You don't like flying, do you?"
Erin: Don't change the subject.
Pete: No, that's the-
Erin: Movie is starting.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Ah-ha-ha! Philly! Exciting stuff, man.
Jim: Whoo!
Darryl: So you sure you remembered everything for your trip?
Jim: Yeah, I think so.
Darryl: Think that through for a sec.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: Yeah, Jim's going to Philly tomorrow. He said he was gonna take me with him, but that was two months ago. And I haven't heard anything since. I mean, he said that, right?

Quote from Jim

Jim: I don't know. Is it what you expected?
Pam: I feel like... Dwight is holding a candle and reading a poem.
Jim: So happy right now!

Quote from Kevin

Dwight K. Schrute: [speaking German] Wait, what is that I hear? Is someone on the roof? How strange. [blows out the candle] Excuse me. I have to run to my car to take a dump.
Kevin: I wish my car had a bathroom.

Quote from Erin

Pete: "Let Heinrich plant the detonators and Theo prepare the vault. After that--"
Erin: [looking at a transcript online] Eh. That wasn't the line. I'm sorry, Pete.
Pete: That is transcribed by some fan. They make mistakes.
Erin: I don't know. This looks pretty legit.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Oh, my gosh. I just got an email from Andy. That means they hit land.
[aside to camera:]
Erin: "What up, shorty? We got in last night, sold the boat, went out, got drunk, saw life of pi, got super depressed and introspective. Gonna hang out here a while. Maybe a couple of weeks. Figure this whole life thing out. Maybe see Hobbit. Lates."

Quote from Erin

Pete: Hey. Everything okay?
Erin: So what comes next?
Pete: Right, um, okay. So he says, uh, [Pete stands up] "After we call the police, they'll waste hours trying to negotiate--"
Erin: We should just watch the movie. That makes much more sense.
Pete: Or we can just sit and talk, though.
Erin: No. No more talking. It's movie time.
Pete: I mean, are you sure... Um... Yeah, I probably have a copy or two in my car.
Erin: Oh, great. Great! So we're watching "Die Hard", now. Good! This is a good plan.
Pete: Okay.

Quote from Toby

Toby: [to Nellie] Here's the thing about moonlight. It's not sunlight.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: I love this hog mama.
Phyllis: Dwight said it's "Hog maw."
Kevin: [spits it out] What is maw?!
Phyllis: It's the lining of the stomach of-

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Phyllis: Come on, Dwight, you're making this up.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Oscar: [reading article on his phone] This is a real thing. "Belsnickel is a crotchety, fur-clad gift giver related to other companions of St. Nicholas in the folklore of southwestern Germany."
Angela: Huh.
Pam: Wow.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, great. Seriously, you guys? Now you believe in Dwight's traditions, when some democrat looks it up on Wikipedia?
Oscar: "His partner, Zwarte Piet, or black Peter, a slave boy, often portrayed in colorful pantaloons and blackface."
Stanley: Uh-Uh. No, Dwight. No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, come on. We don't blindly stick to every outmoded aspect of our traditions. Come on, get with the spirit of it, you guys. [texts Nate who is just arriving dresed as Zwarte Piet; Nate turns around and goes back to his car]

Quote from Darryl

[As Darryl drinks gluwhein in his office:]
Darryl: Jim, that guy. [scoffs] You gotta stick to your word! Like when you say something to a buddy, a real buddy... What are you gonna do, lie? To your buddy? [sighs] It's awful.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Meredith's a little cute. I'm just realizing. She got, like, a Emma Stone thing.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: I'm gonna tell Jim to go [bleep] himself.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Do you think Andy would ever jump off an exploding building tied to a hose for me?
Pete: Yeah. Definitely. [Erin starts to cry] Hey, what's- Oh, no, come here. [starts to put his arm around Erin] Hey, hey. Come on, huh?
Erin: [sliding away from Pete] I'm still Andy's girlfriend.
Pete: Oh, yeah, of course. I know. [starts to pull his arm away]
Erin: But you can leave your arm.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Dwight, want me to get you some eggnog?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, thanks. I'll just have another dumatril. Jim taught me this really cool way to take it. You crush it into a powder, and you snort it up your butt.
Jim: [returning] Yep, I did say that.
Pam: Jim!
Jim: What's going on? Where's the Belsnickel?
Pam: Oh- Oh my god!
[Pam walks over to hug Jim, but Dwight runs and hugs Jim first]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: What are you doing? Last time I saw you, you were whipping me out of the building.
Dwight K. Schrute: [holds his finger to Jim's lips] Shh. Let's not speak of that. The pig rib! We could totally break the pig rib! I'm gonna dig it out of the trash! [high fives Jim]

Quote from Jim

Pam: What happened? Did you miss your bus?
Jim: No, I just missed my wife. [kisses and hugs Pam]
Dwight K. Schrute: [holding the pig rib] I found it!
Jim: And I found out that there's a bus at 5:00 a.m.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: You!
Jim: Oh, hey, man. [as Darryl storms up to him] Oh, you know what? Before I forget again, I talked to the guys about hiring you. They're gonna bring you in for an interview.
Darryl: ... That's great.
Jim: Right?
Darryl: Thanks, man.
Jim: Hey, of course.
Darryl: I shall come by at your convenience.
Jim: Thank you, sir.
Darryl: [claps his hands, spins around] Whoo!
Jim: Go get 'em.
[Darryl falls back onto the food table, which falls to the ground]
Dwight K. Schrute: Very impish.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Two dimes, seven nickels- Well, okay, no, that doesn't add up. It was one quarter and-
Nellie: Shh.
Toby: What? I was just explaining-
Nellie: Shh.
Toby: Why wouldn't it-
Nellie: Shh.
Toby: But why?
Nellie: No. More. Talking.
Toby: Are you gonna kiss me?
Nellie: Yes. [kisses Toby]
[Toby takes his glasses off as he and Nellie start making out]


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