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38Quotes from ‘Broke’

The Office: Broke

525. Broke

Aired April 23, 2009

As Michael's new company struggles with its low-cost pricing, David tries to halt the exodus of Dunder Mifflin clients.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hello. Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace. I believe we're expected. Well, well, well, how the turntables...

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There are certain defining moments in a person's life. The day he is born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far too early to tell. I am flying high and I don't even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it.

Quote from Pam

Pam: When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, you don't blame the child. He didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, "Drive, kid. I trust you".

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I want my old job back. I want my old parking space back. I want a Sebring.
Charles: They don't make them anymore.
Michael Scott: And I want Charles gone.
David: I am not firing Charles. He's very valuable.
Charles: That's very kind of you to say.
Michael Scott: I need him gone.
David: No.
Michael Scott: Then I want Pam back.
David: You already have a new receptionist.
Michael Scott: Sales.
Pam: Thank you.
David: Pam's not a salesperson.
Michael Scott: Yes, she is. At the Michael Scott Paper Company in its heyday.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It's 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryan's parents or Pam's parents or my parents, you do. They're gonna be in this van. With me. Who am I? Nothing to fear. I am just a 44-year-old guy with a paper route.

Quote from Pam

Pam: We got the van at a used car lot. We think it says "Alleluia Church of Scranton" in Korean. It was either this or an old school bus with an owl living in it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: You didn't happen to bring any coffee, did you, Michael?
Michael Scott: Milk and sugar.
Pam: Awesome. You're a life saver. [takes a sip] Wait, is this just milk and sugar?
Michael Scott: That's what I said.
Pam: Do you drink this every day?
Michael Scott: Every morning.

Quote from Andy

Charles: I don't want to hear excuses. I want to see improvements. This is unacceptable.
Andy: Hey, boss. I'd just like to point out that I have be here less time than these guys.
Charles: Why are you telling me this?
Andy: I just think the bar should be lower for a newbie.
Charles: Is this something you really want to have said?
Andy: I don't want to have said that. But I think it's important that you know it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: How much can we afford to pay a delivery guy?
Finance Guy: Well, if these numbers are correct-
Michael Scott: They are correct, sir.
Finance Guy: Then you can't afford to pay him anything.
Michael Scott: Okay. A lame attempt at humor. Swing and a miss.
Finance Guy: Your prices are too low.
Michael Scott: Lowest in town.
Finance Guy: Why do you think Staples and Dunder Mifflin can't match your prices?
Pam: Corporate greed?
Ryan: Look, our pricing model is fine. I reviewed the numbers myself. Over time with enough volume, we become profitable.
Finance Guy: Yeah, with a fixed cost pricing model, that's correct. But you need to use a variable cost pricing model.
Michael Scott: Okay, sure. Right. So... Why don't you explain what that is to- So they can under - Explain what that is.
Ryan: Explain what you think that is.
Michael Scott: Just explain it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Finance Guy: Okay. As you sell more paper and your company grows, so will your costs. For example, delivery men, health care, business expansion.
Michael Scott: Whatever, yeah. So...
Finance Guy: At these prices, the more paper you sell the less money you'll make.
Michael Scott: Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business.
Finance Guy: They're actually putting you out of business.
Michael Scott: Okay, okay. Hold on, hold on. Ty, I would like you to crunch those numbers again.
Finance Guy: It's a program. There's no such thing-
Michael Scott: Just crunch 'em, please.
Finance Guy: Crunch.
Pam: Did it help?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Now would corporate approve a temporary price reduction for returning customers?
Charles: God, no.
Dwight K. Schrute: Stupid. Yeah, makes us look weak.
Charles: I agree. It just-
Dwight K. Schrute: I say we fill Michael's office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor.
Jim: Really? Does he do good work or-
Dwight K. Schrute: No, Jim. I use a bad apiarist.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died?
Pam: Steve Martin's not dead, Michael.
Michael Scott: I know. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life. And I was wrong. It's this.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: You want to hear something sad?
Michael Scott: I would love that.
Pam: So Jim and I are getting married and the wedding's really expensive, so I tried to get a job on the weekends to earn extra money. I applied to Old Navy, Target and Wal-Mart. None of 'em called me back. Not even for an interview.
Ryan: I never went to Thailand.
Pam: Really?
Ryan: I went to Fort Lauderdale.
Michael Scott: Was it nice?
Ryan: Yeah, it was amazing. There was a great pad thai place, though.
Michael Scott: I love pad thai.
Ryan: You never had pad thai.
Michael Scott: No. There's a lot I haven't done.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, let me float something out there. Okay? Can I just- Can I say something? There is a hive of bees outside the front door. We kidnap the queen, extract her alarm pheromones, place them on a flushable wipe and put that in his bathroom.
David: I can't believe I'm about to say this, but the cheapest option is to make Michael an offer.
Charles: Yes. Yes, I was gonna say the same thing. We should buy him out.
Jim: Ah. But you didn't.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, man! If only Michael had children. That's how you really apply the pressure.
Charles: What is wrong with you?

Quote from Jim

Jim: Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second?
Michael Scott: We're not hiring, Jim.
Jim: Actually here for something else.
Michael Scott: Listen, I can't make you laugh right now.
Jim: You know I love a good guessing game, but why don't I tell what I'm here for? Turns out you guys have made a pretty big dent in the Dunder Mifflin sales.
Ryan: Well, that's nice.
Jim: David Wallace has asked me to come and see if you would be interested in Dunder Mifflin buying you out.
Pam: Seriously? Are you being serious?
Ryan: He's bluffing.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: Jim, what you don't understand is that this company's worthl-
Jim: Oh!
Michael Scott: No. We don't have-
Jim: Oh! See, I'm here to learn as little information as possible. All I really need to hear is if your incredibly successful company would be receptive to a buyout.
Michael Scott: [scoffs] Uh. Yes.
Pam: Yes.
Ryan: Maybe.
Jim: Three yes's.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: Michael, in order to expedite these negotiations, we are prepared to make you a very generous offer.
Michael Scott: And we are prepared to reject that offer.
Ryan: Michale, you haven't even heard-
Michael Scott: Never accept their first offer. What is your second offer?
David: $12,000.
Michael Scott: Are you kidding me? That is insultingly low. I don't even want to hear what your first offer was.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: Here's the situation. Your company is four weeks old. I know this business. I know what suppliers are charging. I know you can't be making very much money. I don't know how your prices are so low but I know it can't keep up that way. I'm sure you're scared. Probably in debt. This is the best offer you're gonna get.
Michael Scott: I'll see your situation and I'll raise you a situation. Your company is losing clients left and right. You have a stockholder meeting coming up and you're going to have to explain to them why your most profitable branch is bleeding. So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO. So I don't think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin. I think I just have to wait out you.
David: Okay, now, I don't know that I can get this. I do have to go to the board for approval. How's about $60,000? Huh? $60,000. Michael?
Michael Scott: [quietly] We'll have to talk-
David: What?
Ryan: We're gonna have to talk about this.
Michael Scott: Just amongst ourselves.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Charles, may I have your attention? The Michael Scott Paper Company is broke.
Charles: What? How'd you hear that?
Dwight K. Schrute: They've been calling all of their clients and begging them to pay more money. That can mean only one thing. They're desperate. Which can only mean one thing. They're total failures.
Jim: Great work, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Quiet you.
Jim: I mean, great detective work. 'cause this must be the first case you've ever cracked.
Dwight K. Schrute: You don't crack a case. That has a pejorative connotation. It's like calling a policeman a cop.
You solve a case, and yes, I've solved plenty.
Charles: So how long can they stay viable?
Jim: What are your top five cases?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm gonna answer Charles first.
Jim: Because you've solved zero cases.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. One, case of the beet bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm. No footprints. Inside job. Mose in socks. Boom! Case closed.
Charles: Okay, do not go anywhere near the conference room.
Dwight K. Schrute: Done.
Charles: Because you have embarrassed me for the last time today.

Quote from Michael Scott

Charles: Hey, guys-
Michael Scott: No, no. You're done.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [honking horn] Time to make the donuts! [Michael moves the van forward as Ryan goes to open the passenger-side door] Come on. No, I promise I won't do it again. [again] Come on. De-nied!

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: We've been making 5:00 a.m. deliveries for a couple weeks now. Ever since I've gotten clean, there's something about fresh morning air that just really makes me sick.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Time to make the donuts! Boner patrol! Arrest that man! Your donuts make me go nuts!

Quote from Pam

Pam: [to a Korean woman] Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry, no. It's It's a paper company now. It's not for the church.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Charles: So, who covers Bans Pet Grooming?
Jim: They're my client.
Charles: No, they were your client. They just called, said they're switching over to Michael Scott Paper Company.
Dwight K. Schrute: Shame, Jim. I expected more.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Charles: I don't know what to do to inspire these people. Okay, maybe it's my fault-
Dwight K. Schrute: It's not your fault. Some people just don't want to be inspired.
Charles: I wrote a memo to all departments asking them to find ways to save money. But-
Angela: [entering Charles' office] Charles, I got your memo. Thank you. I want you to know, I'm putting my foot down when it comes to expense reports. Waste not, want not.
Charles: Well said, Angela.
Dwight K. Schrute: Been there, done that.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know what we need? We need some couches in here.
Ryan: Michael, we should really consider getting a delivery guy.
Michael Scott: You know what you would love? It's if we built a loft.
Pam: Why would I love that? Can we afford a delivery guy?
Michael Scott: Like in a dorm room. You put your desk underneath, you have your loft up top. You can sleep up top.
Pam: Yeah, I know what a loft is.
Ryan: Most dorm rooms don't even have that.
Michael Scott: Most do in the magazines.
Ryan: Let's see what a delivery guy costs.
Michael Scott: We should look into that. Or we just go for the loft.

Quote from David

Charles: How was the trip up?
David: Well, a lot better than a month at the Scranton Radisson, I'm sure.
Charles: Oh, you know what, it hasn't been that bad. Hasn't been that bad. These people are the salt of the earth down here. You couldn't ask for a better way to learn a company. I feel like I should be thanking you.

Quote from David

David: Hi, everyone.
Kelly: Hi.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hi.
David: Look, it's no secret-
Kevin: Hi.
David: Hello. Uh, it is no secret that Michael Scott has siphoned off a large chunk of our core business. And I'm here and I just want to reassure everyone that we think this is just a temporary setback.
Phyllis: Maybe, and I don't know, if you had just returned Michael's call, none of us would've lost clients.
David: I've been wondering that myself lately.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

David: Jim, can you come in with us please?
Charles: Uh, Jim, hold on. [to David] You know, David, Dwight's been my guy.
David: Really? I find that extraordinarily surprising.
Charles: He shows promise. And Jim, I don't- He's been disappointment.
David: We'll bring 'em both in.
Charles: Great. Dwight, come on in. Also Jim.
Dwight K. Schrute: [to Jim] Come along, afterthought.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [on the phone] Hi, Jerry. Michael Scott. Well, this is slightly embarrassing. Um. I'm going to have to ask you to pay me a little bit more money for that delivery we dropped off yesterday. Yeah, we did. We got the check. But we're just going to need a much, much bigger check.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: [as Jim's phone rings] Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.
Jim: Oh, that's my new "Dwight" ring.
Pam: I like it.
Jim: Good, right? [answering phone] Hello?
Dwight K. Schrute: Idiot, we're starting back up. This is Dwight, by the way.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

David: Jim, you're pretty close with him. You think they'd be up for hearing an offer?
Jim: Oh, I don't know. They've taken a good deal of clients, so... I mean, I guess I could go down there and try to nudge them in the right direction.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? Why don't I do it? Michael adores me. I'm the man for this job. Charles, you got my back?
Charles: No. Jim, I think you should go.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: I will see you titans of industry upstairs.
Michael Scott: Well, we're not only tight-ends, we are also quarterbacks.
Jim: Missed the last part.
Michael Scott: That's a pun.
Jim: Got it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Ryan: Okay, so you're not going to reveal in any way that we're broke.
Michael Scott: Of course not.
Ryan: That we're having any problems at all.
Pam: Just to reiterate, none of us is going to say anything that might indicate we are going broke.
Michael Scott: Right. Right. There is no way in hell that I'm going to say that we're broke. [elevator doors close, as they open again:] Oh, I'm really worried I'm gonna say it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [answering the phone] Jerry, the one who got away. May I ask why you're leaving the Michael Scott Paper Company? Really? Please hold. [Dwight runs off to find Charles]

Quote from Michael Scott

Ryan: How could you do this to me? You just cost me $60,000.
Pam: Why are you assuming you would get the whole thing?
Michael Scott: It's a lot of money. But we need money coming in every week. We need jobs. Wouldn't you rather have a fishing pole than a fish?
Ryan: I would rather have $60,000, honestly.
Pam: No, Michael's right. Jobs are safer.
Michael Scott: Agreed?
Pam: Agreed. But that's all, okay?
Ryan: Discuss these things,

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: That's right.
David: Okay, please continue.
Michael Scott: And Ryan.
David: Ryan cost Dunder Mifflin hundreds of thousands of dollars, Michael.
Michael Scott: You know, David? I don't care if Ryan murdered his entire family. He is like a son to me.
David: Do you realize what you're asking for here? You're talking about salary plus health benefits.
Michael Scott: And dental this time.
David: Insurance, taxes, social security for three people. This is a heck of a lot more than 60 grand. You're talking about a multi-million dollar buyout.
Michael Scott: These are our demands.
David: Your company cannot be worth that much.
Michael Scott: Our company is worth nothing. That's the difference between you and I. Business isn't about money to me, David. If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company. And then another and another and another. I have no shortage of company names.
David: Michael!
Michael Scott: That's one of 'em, yes! These are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court.
David: Okay. Deal.


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