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51Quotes from ‘After Hours’

The Office: After Hours

816. After Hours

Aired February 23, 2012

As the staff work late in Scranton servicing the accounts of the people who went on the Florida trip, Darryl's budding relationship with Val in the warehouse causes some workplace drama. Meanwhile, in Tallahassee, Dwight and Todd Packer compete for the affections of Nellie, Jim worries that Cathy is coming on to him, and Ryan and Erin go on a hunt for waffles.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Win at all costs. Don't respect women. These are the tenets I was brought up with, and they have served me well. But my ancestors never worked in corporate America. They were farmers. And before that, hunters. And before that, time travelers. And before that, me again. At least, that's how the legend goes. The point is they never had to worry about how they got ahead. They just had to put food on the table and not alter the past.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: English peoples' main use today is judging American talent. [in a British accent] You're crap. You're wonderful. [back to American] They're mean, but they're incisive.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: If Jim has bedbugs, that means they're everywhere. I can't risk them coming back to Schrute Farms. Our biggest attraction is our 200 year old mattresses.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sorta feel out what the situation calls for.

Quote from Angela

Pam: Hey, Angela, you wanna see a picture of Philip wearing those little booties you got us?
Angela: So cute.
Oscar: Hey, you guys want to see a picture of Gerald wearing galoshes? He refused to go out in the rain until I bought these. Now going out in the rain is all he wants to do.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Oscar thinks that having a dog is just like having a baby.
Angela: News flash: If you didn't carry it around for nine months, it isn't your kid.
Pam: Exactly. Unless you adopted, of course.
Angela: That is where we disagree.

Quote from Pam

Oscar: Hey, are your little dudes crawling yet?
Pam: No, three-month-old humans don't do that.
Angela: My Philip is crawling.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Angela is such a liar!
Oscar: It's maddening!

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Exactly. That's just like crate training. All night long, all night long.
Pam: Well count yourself lucky. Wait until you have two. That's two sleep schedules, two naps that don't coincide, I mean, you'll never sleep again.
[aside to camera:]
Angela: No one said "you must have two"
Oscar: Like her genes are so important. The world just needs more Pam/Jim DNA. Thank you, no.
Angela: No, thank you.

Quote from Oscar

Andy: [laughing] Check this out. My brother just got a new sailboat. He has no idea what he just got himself into. There's nothing harder than taking care of a boat, am I right?
[aside to camera:]
Angela & Pam: Unbelievable!
Oscar: Un-be-liev-a-ble.

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: Dwight, I am still not ready to name a VP.
Dwight K. Schrute: [laughing] That's not what I was going to ask. Gosh, jump to conclusions. Come on, I know, you've got so much on your plate. Right now, you're like "Oh, what's more important? Dwight's question, figure out who's the VP?" Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP.
Nellie: I can't be hypnotized, Dwight. I tried it, I ended up smoking more.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Can we at least eliminate those that are not in the running? Free them up to focus more completely on the menial. Like stacking or sorting, or-
Jim: Catching butterflies.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's a hobby, unless it's for food.
Jim: Theater.
Dwight K. Schrute: Waste of time.
Jim: Dragging.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's just a verb.
Jim: Dragging sticks.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, nice, perfect. Dragging sticks.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Tonight we're staying late to service the accounts of the people who went on the Florida trip.
Pam: Yes, of course, we could've just been doing this the whole time, but someone dropped the ball.
Andy: Ball droppings can be beautiful. For example, when it turns an awkward soprano into a rich, full tenor.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Todd: Jason Bourne would kick Bond's ass.
Nellie: Jason Bourne has no support staff. His own government's out to get him.
Dwight K. Schrute: Genghis Khan could take 'em both down 'cause he's not afraid to kill children. What? It's true. He- He would- He would eviscerate babies and hang them from poles outside of the villages.

Quote from Erin

Ryan: I'll have a glass of your oakiest chardonnay, please.
Erin: And I will have waffle with your mapliest syrup.
Waitress: Sorry, no waffles.
Erin: Oh, okay. Just forget it, then. Forget it. Forget it.
Ryan: A waffle?
Erin: A hotel waffle. I know what I want to eat. Is that crazy?
Ryan: No.
Erin: I'm moving down here, you know.
Ryan: Oh, no, I didn't know.
Erin: I'm young, and I can... And if I can't, I'm still pretty young. I guess I'll always be young.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Guys, we're not gonna settle anything this way. I think we just need to be grown-ups here.
Andy: Thank you.
Kelly: I thin we're gonna need to here those texts.
Andy: Kelly, remember how you wanted to go home before?
Kelly: No. There's no way in hell I'm leaving. Something interesting is happening here for once in my life, I am staying here. Darryl, read the texts.

Quote from Todd

Nellie: Alright, I'm gonna eliminate three people right now, okay? Just... you three, no.
Todd: Not good enough. [clicks tongue]

Quote from Todd

Nellie: Everyone meet in the hotel bar at 7:00. I'm not allowed to say it's mandatory, so let's just call it compulsory.
Todd: I'll be there at 6:00

Quote from Jim

Jim: Cathy? It's been great. Fun, normal. I thought I was gonna be hanging out with Stanley on this trip, but he's turned out to be kind of a loose cannon.

Quote from Stanley

[As Stanley stops at an intersection, there's a convertible with two attractive woman in the next lane]
Stanley: My friend and I are new here in Tallahassee. Would you like to get a cocktail? [Jim slowly slides down in the passenger seat]. Maybe go out for a little dancing. Beautiful day, no?

Quote from Andy

Andy: Okay, everybody. 5:00. Workday is over. Put your pencils down. And bring 'em back up, because now, the late night work jam begins!
Pam: Yes, the conference room is set up. I've got pens, I've got paper, I've got a whiteboard, we are good to go!
Andy: Say what?
Pam: We are good to go!
Andy: Say what?
Pam: We're good to go!
Angela: Stop it.
Andy: Say-
Angela: Stop it.
Oscar: Andy!

Quote from Todd

Todd: Okay, drinking game. Count of three, take three sips.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: That's a stupid game. I got a great drinking game. Okay, everyone empty your pockets. Whoever has the most seeds is the king. Whoever has the least buttons is the hunchback.
Gabe: What happens if you're the hunchback?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, you get kicked.
Jim: How many buttons do you have?
Dwight K. Schrute: 40. Always.
Cathy: Can I see?
Dwight K. Schrute: Sure.
Cathy: So, I get to kick you now.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, they're not transferable just 'cause I handed 'em to you.
Cathy: Well, that's how I played it in college.
Jim: College rules! [Cathy throws Jim the bag, Jim kicks Dwight]

Quote from Nellie

Todd: And he host at his own lame game.
Nellie: Ooh, double meaning! The game was lame, and now he's lame from the kick. Quick wit.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: [to camera] Why would Erin confide in me that she's staying here in Florida if she didn't want me to make some last-ditch, nothing to lose, Kelly Ka-who run at her? [Erin walks over] Hey.
Erin: Hey.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey. I see what you're doing. It's futile. the VP position is mine.
Todd: Oh, please, You're through. She's going to give it to me as I'm giving it to her tonight. The cowgirl has chosen her saddle. [clicks tongue, whinnies]
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, saddles... [clicks tongue, whinnies] ... sometimes fall off, especially if you don't properly cinch the girth.
Packer: What? That's a joke, right? You see the way she's all over me.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: If anyone's having sex with Nellie for personal gain, it's me. And I'm not joking at all. If you don't tighten your saddle, you may fall off.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Who is ready for dinner? "Oh, I bet it's pizza, or tacos, or something stupid". No. [claps] I went south of the border for this. And then I went south of that border. And we have ourselves... [takes foil off tray] A Jamaican feast, mon!

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: Blow in my ear.
Todd: Alright.
Nellie: Like I'm on the beach. [Todd blows in Nellie's ear]
Dwight K. Schrute: [imitates seagull calls] Seagull. [continues]
Nellie: And a wave crashing. A wave crashing.
[Todd and Dwight imitate waves]
Nellie: Oh, that is lovely.

Quote from Jim

Cathy: Is this March Madness? I love March Madness.
Jim: Oh, no, that's not this 'cause that's in... March.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Nellie: Impressive.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh please, anyone can tie a knot, the real skill is in untying it [puts string in his mouth]

Quote from Kevin

Andy: I'm pretty sure if Darryl sent Val a text, it was about some paper emergency or something.
Brandon: At midnight?
Andy: Yeah.
Kevin: It happens! Like a hospital needs more napkins for surgery.

Quote from Ryan

Erin: Whoa. the lights are still on.
Ryan: Yeah, they keep them on 'cause it's less expensive than turning them on and off.
Erin: I like how guys just know stuff all the time.
Ryan: Girls know a lot of stuff too, okay? And nobody knows more than you. Especially me.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Get down.
Erin: [whispers] It's the fuzz!
Ryan: [whispers] Shh! do you want us to get scolded? Shut your beautiful, beautiful mouth, please.

Quote from Kelly

Darryl: "I got too much ice cream. You want some?" "Getting' my fry on."
Kelly: Boring.
Darryl: Uh, "The moon is huge tonight."
Phyllis: Ooh, gosh, the moon one's damning. Yeah, sorry.
Darryl: That's regular text talk.
Brandon: You forgot one.
Darryl: "You're such a great friend."
Brandon: With the dots.
Darryl: "You're such a great friend, dot dot dot dot dot."
Kelly: Five dots, Darryl, are you kidding me? Okay, 'cause three dots means "To be continued", four dots is a typo, but five dots means "Whoa, do not make me say what I want to say, baby, but if I did, it would blow your mind, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.

Quote from Darryl

Val: Brandon, Darryl and me? That's ridiculous, right?
Darryl: Yeah, totally crazy. Puts me in an insane asylum just thinking about it. I'm stranded on shutter island over here.

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: [to Todd Packer] You look like Ed Harris if they stretched him a little bit.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [answering cell phone] What?! Not now, I'm busy.
Jim: [on phone] I'm sorry, I thought you'd want to know that I saw a bedbug in my room. But, never mind, sorry to interrupt.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Bedbugs? Oh, no...

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Freak, I need a favor.
Gabe: Well, then you have to call me by my name. Gabriel Susan Lewis.
Dwight K. Schrute: I gotta be gone for a few minutes. You make sure that Packer does not sleep with Nellie.
Gabe: What's in it for GSL?
Dwight K. Schrute: You really want Packer as your boss?
Gabe: Got it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Where did you see it?
Jim: In the bed.
Cathy: I haven't seen anything.
Dwight K. Schrute: We gotta find it before it eggs.
Cathy: Jeez.
Dwight K. Schrute: Describe it.
Jim: Brown, shiny, painful bite.
Dwight K. Schrute: Could be a bat weevil... Describe its mood. Did it seen sleepy?
Jim: Stressed. But to be fair, it was a tense situation.
Dwight K. Schrute: Fair enough, but after it bit you, did it run away fearful, or did it walk away smug, self-assured?
Jim: So smug. Like he thought it was funny, like this.
Dwight K. Schrute: Pfft. That's a bedbug.
Jim: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Everything's a joke.
Jim: I know.
Dwight K. Schrute: Check your hair! [checks Jim's hair]
Jim: Ow.
Dwight K. Schrute: God, oh. So greasy, you should just shave all this.
Jim: Just check it.
Dwight K. Schrute: You are clean. Okay... One thing a bedbug thrives on is heat and carbon dioxide [starts running in place and turning up the thermostat] I am going to generate myself into a human trap. [starts to take off clothes] When I jump into the bed, you are going to cover me with the sheet immediately. And then we'll see who's laughing. [maniacal laugh]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Cover me!
Cathy: Is this really necessary?
Jim: He knows what he's doing.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let the bedbugs bite!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: I don't know, Dwight, I think maybe you should check again.
Dwight K. Schrute: Nope, I wasn't bitten.
Jim: Well, maybe it isn't warm enough in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, it's plenty warm, and I was farting continuously under the sheet, creating a kind of greenhouse effect.
Jim: Come on.
Dwight K. Schrute: If there were any in here, they would've embedded themselves in me.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Packer is trying to bed Nellie for the VP job unless I do it first.
Jim: Is that really how you want to get this job?
Dwight K. Schrute: Such a chorus girl.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [to Nellie] Eugh! Pathetic, huh? A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I'm really sorry, uh, I just have to say it. I'm- I'm married. I'm very happily married.
Cathy: Oh my God, what are you thinking?
Jim: Um... I mean-
Cathy: I know that you're married, I sat at your wife's desk. How little do you think of me?
Jim: I'm sorry, I feel like maybe I'm-I'm I misread things. Okay, let's just go back to watching.
Cathy: Can you... without running to the other side of the room all night?
Jim: Yes, I can. [Cathy laughs] Uh, all right. I'm really sorry. I think we'll just... We'll just watch. You can watch, not watch, whatever you want to do. Take another shower, I don't care.
Cathy: Okay. [Sits next to Jim] I am so cold.

Quote from Andy

Pam: Hey, Darryl. You okay?
Darryl: She's got a boyfriend.
Andy: Play it cool, man. She'll come around.
Pam: No, you should go for it. I mean nothing would've happened with me and Jim if he didn't put himself out there.
Andy: Yeah, but my friend Jim would tell you to play it cool.
Pam: My husband would tell you to go for it.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Hey, this is fun.
Erin: A lot of fun.
Ryan: I know. Can I give you a compliment? I'm really impressed by how much you've grown. Since I met you, it's like night and day.
Erin: You should move down here with me.
Ryan: Yeah?
Erin: We could be roommates.
Ryan: Really?
Erin: We could get a dog. We could go to R-rated movies. And who knows, I mean, you're a guy, I'm a girl-
Ryan: Yeah.
Erin: Maybe in six months-
Ryan: [louder] Six months?... Um, okay, I'm in love with Kelly.

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: Put your forehead near mine, and see if you can read my thoughts.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay... Seven, one, one, nine.
Nellie: No, no, no. Not numbers, no.
Dwight K. Schrute: No? Okay.
Nellie: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Try again... Ugh, I'm still getting numbers! Seven, one, one... Is anyone around here thinking the numbers seven one one? 'cause please stop, okay?
Nellie: Dwight, give me a key card to your room. Meet me in seven minutes for some one-on-one time.
Dwight K. Schrute: [gasps] Wait, the numbers!
Nellie: Mm-hmm.

Quote from Andy

Kelly: Andy, this has been an amazing night. Epic.
Andy: Cool-down fiesta begins right now. I got decaf coffee...
Phyllis: No way!
Andy: I got "Romy and Michele's High School Reunion"!

Quote from Darryl

Val: Hey. I just wanted to apologize. I mean, that was so weird. Can we just, like, never talk about it again?
Darryl: Sure.
Val: Okay, thanks.
Darryl: Hey, just so you know, me and you, I don't think that's ridiculous. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Alright, now I think it's time for you to go.
Cathy: What? Oh, Jim, I thought we talked about this. You're cool, right?
Jim: Cathy! Go!
Dwight K. Schrute: [wearing face mask with spray chemicals in hand] Where's the bug?
Jim: Awesome.
Dwight K. Schrute: [sprays the bed and Cathy] Stand back!
Cathy: Aah! Stop, it, oh my god! That burns! What is that?!
Dwight K. Schrute: [continues spraying the bed] It's a compound of chemicals I pulled off the maid's cart!
Jim: Right there!
Cathy: Oh stop it, stop it, stop it!
Jim: Oh, big one! Big one! Really big one!
Cathy: I can't breathe!
Dwight K. Schrute: I think I saw it! I think I saw it!
Cathy: Stop it! [runs out the door]
Jim: Nice job, I think you got 'em.
Dwight K. Schrute: You can't stay here, this place is a bio-hazard. If I were you, I'd just bunk with Cathy.

Quote from Gabe

Cathy: Ugh, we're gonna have one of those crazy nights, aren't we? Maybe we'll see the real 'Talla-nasty' we've been hearing so much about.
Jim: 'Talla-nasty', very clever.
Cathy: Thank you-
Gabe: Wait, wait. You think she invented 'Talla-nasty?' [chuckles] no, no, no, no...

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: What's up man? I'm Darryl.
Brandon: Darryl, I heard about you. You doing good?
Darryl: Oh yeah.
Brandon: Must be doing real good since you're [beep]my girlfriend.
Everyone: Whoa.
Kevin: Dude, you didn't tell me you were [beep] Val. High five!
Darryl: I'm not sleeping with your girlfriend.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: If I wanted Jamaican food I'd just hire a bunch of bodyguards and go there.


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