Dwight K. Schrute: Win at all costs. Don't respect women. These are the tenets I was brought up with, and they have served me well. But my ancestors never worked in corporate America. They were farmers. And before that, hunters. And before that, time travelers. And before that, me again. At least, that's how the legend goes. The point is they never had to worry about how they got ahead. They just had to put food on the table and not alter the past.

Dwight K. Schrute: English peoples' main use today is judging American talent. [in a British accent] You're crap. You're wonderful. [back to American] They're mean, but they're incisive.

Dwight K. Schrute: If Jim has bedbugs, that means they're everywhere. I can't risk them coming back to Schrute Farms. Our biggest attraction is our 200 year old mattresses.

Kelly: Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sorta feel out what the situation calls for.

Nellie: Dwight, I am still not ready to name a VP.
Dwight K. Schrute: [laughing] That's not what I was going to ask. Gosh, jump to conclusions. Come on, I know, you've got so much on your plate. Right now, you're like "Oh, what's more important? Dwight's question, figure out who's the VP?" Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP.
Nellie: I can't be hypnotized, Dwight. I tried it, I ended up smoking more.

Pam: Hey, Angela, you wanna see a picture of Philip wearing those little booties you got us?
Angela: So cute.
Oscar: Hey, you guys want to see a picture of Gerald wearing galoshes? He refused to go out in the rain until I bought these. Now going out in the rain is all he wants to do.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Oscar thinks that having a dog is just like having a baby.
Angela: News flash: If you didn't carry it around for nine months, it isn't your kid.
Pam: Exactly. Unless you adopted, of course.
Angela: That is where we disagree.

Oscar: Hey, are your little dudes crawling yet?
Pam: No, three-month-old humans don't do that.
Angela: My Philip is crawling.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Angela is such a liar!
Oscar: It's maddening!

Oscar: Exactly. That's just like crate training. All night long, all night long.
Pam: Well count yourself lucky. Wait until you have two. That's two sleep schedules, two naps that don't coincide, I mean, you'll never sleep again.
[aside to camera:]
Angela: No one said "you must have two"
Oscar: Like her genes are so important. The world just needs more Pam/Jim DNA. Thank you, no.
Angela: No, thank you.

Andy: [laughing] Check this out. My brother just got a new sailboat. He has no idea what he just got himself into. There's nothing harder than taking care of a boat, am I right?
[aside to camera:]
Angela & Pam: Unbelievable!
Oscar: Un-be-liev-a-ble.

Dwight K. Schrute: Can we at least eliminate those that are not in the running? Free them up to focus more completely on the menial. Like stacking or sorting, or-
Jim: Catching butterflies.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's a hobby, unless it's for food.
Jim: Theater.
Dwight K. Schrute: Waste of time.
Jim: Dragging.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's just a verb.
Jim: Dragging sticks.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, nice, perfect. Dragging sticks.