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46Quotes from ‘The Manager and the Salesman’

The Office: The Manager and the Salesman

616. The Manager and the Salesman

Aired February 11, 2010

As Jo Bennett visits the Scranton branch, she decides the office does not need two co-managers, leaving Michael and Jim to fight it out for the manager position.

Quote from Jo

Jo: I'm Jolene Bennett, Jo for short. I'm a breast cancer survivor, close, personal friends with Nancy Pelosi, and Truman Capote and I slept with three of the same guys. When I was a little girl, I was terrified to fly, and now I have my own pilot's license. I am CEO of Sabre International, and I sell the best damn printers and all-in-one machines Korea can make. Pleased to meet you.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jo: Hello.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hello.
Jo: Do you always stay seated when a lady enters the room?
Dwight K. Schrute: I am treating you the same as a man, for whom I would also not stand. Unless it was the President. Or Judge Judy.
Jo: I like that.

Quote from Jo

Jo: This is knucklehead talk. I'm not gonna bite it, you know. You can't give me gravy and tell me it's jelly, because gravy ain't sweet! Is it, Jim?

Quote from Michael Scott

Jo: Now Dunder Mifflin has an arm's reach in all these small businesses all over the northeast. Now we're gonna take that arm, and we're gonna start selling printers.
Michael Scott: I could manage my way around that.
Jo: They're the easiest-to-use printers on the market.
Michael Scott: I will try to manage my excitement!
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: I have been saying the word "manager" a lot, so whenever Jo thinks "manager" she thinks of me. Camel cigarettes did the same thing with Joe Camel by making him look like a penis. I can't even go near a cigarette now without thinking of a penis. And vise-versa.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Check this out. According to the handbook, you could make more money as a salesman than as a manager. They have all these incentive programs. I ran your numbers from last year.
Jim: This is way more than I make now.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: I don't think I'm gonna miss being manager. You know how some people say they're not in it for the money? Well, with all due respect to this job, I think I'm definitely in it for the money. And quite honestly, the women.

Quote from Jo

Michael Scott: Pleasure to meet you, Miss Bennett.
Jo: Oh, that's Mrs. Bennett, sweetheart. My husband and I are divorced, but I kept the "Mrs." just to piss off the new wife. Well, let's take a gander around this place.

Quote from Jo

Kevin: Jo, there's books in my chair.
Jo: That's right, darlin', now you're the proud new owner of a Sabre handbook and my autobiography. Now, you all must be in a tizzy. I can see it on your faces, I mean, what's going on now? I mean, who owns Dunder Mifflin? Right? I mean, Sabre? What's that? Some company I've never heard of? Down in Tallahassee? Where is that? Near Mars?

Quote from Michael Scott

Jo: I think one of you should return to sales, and the other one be manager.
Michael Scott: I humbly accept the management position.
Jim: I- Why would you just say something like that?
Michael Scott: Because, well, Jim. Where I'm from, there's two types of folk: those who ain't, and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Ya'll come back now.
Jim: Do you even know what that means?
Michael Scott: Yes.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I guess Andy likes me. I never thought of him in that way. But, I guess in most romantic comedies, the guy you're supposed to be with is the one you never thought of in that way. You might have even thought he was annoying or possibly homosexual.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Ryan and I have been meeting up to work on our diabolical plot against Jim. Ryan is always late for our meetings. I wish I had a lair.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Ryan: Did you see Saw?
Dwight K. Schrute: Of course I seesaw. Mose and I seesaw all the time.
Ryan: No, uh, the movie. Did you see the movie Saw?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, yeah. Great film. Almost as fun as going on a seesaw.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Today, Jo Bennett, the CEO from Sabre, is coming to see us here for the first time. She bought us sight unseen, like a mail-order bride, so she's gotta be kinda nervous. I mean, are we ugly? Are we smart? Are we cool? Are we too cool? Do we speak English?

Quote from Jo

Andy: [Jo's dogs sniffing at his crotch] These sure are pretty dogs.
Jo: They love a good crotch.
Andy: They sure do.
Jo: You should take that as a compliment!
Andy: Oh, I do!

Quote from Meredith

Andy: [throwing a card at Meredith] Look alive.
Meredith: Ow! Geez, you gave me a paper cut on my throat!
[aside to camera:]
Meredith: Yeah, I have this thing about men cutting or threatening to cut my throat. Don't try to cut my throat.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Um, I got you a Valentine's card.
Erin: [opening card] Oh, you did? Aw, a bird and a dog!
Andy: Yeah, well it's Snoopy and Woodstock.
Erin: You named them?
Andy: Uh, Charles Schultz did. I thought it was relevant cause I got you all those birds for Christmas, remember?
Erin: Uh, yeah I do remember. [reading card] Aw, they love each other.
Andy: Oh, look at that. They sure do. I hadn't noticed.
Erin: Wow, it smells really good too.
Andy: Yeah! It's Roger Federer for men, I sprayed some in there.
Erin: Andy, whoa! Thank you very much!
Andy: It's got pheromones in it.

Quote from Jo

Jo: [to Angela] Just choosing seats, not getting married. Chop, chop little onion!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: La la la, hello Oscar!
Oscar: Michael. Reading.
Michael Scott: What are you reading?
Oscar: The Atlantic.
Michael Scott: Oh, that is my favorite ocean! I love it! I am so happy right now.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: No! I can't keep it a secret any longer. Jim is stepping down to salesman, I am going to be the sole manager once again.
Oscar: I should step into sales myself.
Michael Scott: Why, is there an untapped gay market?
Oscar: Sabre has no caps on commissions. He can make a lot more money in sales.
Michael Scott: ... Where did you get that information.
Oscar: Manual.
Michael Scott: Manuel who?
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Well, according to the manual, there is no cap on commissions. I have been hustled.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Oh, Michael marked his heights. He's grown!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [on phone] Bobcat, this is Dragon. Listen. He's been promoted to sole manager. We've got to step this up. Meet me behind the dumpster in ninety seconds. [hangs up phone] 89... 88...
[outside:]
Dwight K. Schrute: You're twenty minutes late!
Ryan: [walking up] Um, I was at another dumpster!
Dwight K. Schrute: Just admit you lost track of time.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Okay, the reason these movies are so popular, is the element of psychological torment.
Dwight K. Schrute: I like where you're going with this. Continue.
Ryan: Could we lure him into an old warehouse or something?
Dwight K. Schrute: I have an old barn!
Ryan: Yes!
Dwight K. Schrute: It's kinda smelly, but that might be a plus! And then what?
Ryan: We do what they did in Saw! ... I mean, we don't kill him, obviously. I have a mask...
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, that's your idea? Exactly like in the movie!? That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my life!
Ryan: Well suggest something else then! Don't just-
Dwight K. Schrute: He's supposed to cut his leg off? Think!
Ryan: Don't just criticize my idea!
Dwight K. Schrute: Think!
Ryan: You think of something then!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: The new IT guy. Nick.
Ryan: Nick.
Dwight K. Schrute: I think he is the key. He's very trusting, he's looking for friends, he has been given an awesome amount of power, and does not know how to wield it.
Ryan: Like Frodo!
Dwight K. Schrute: Why don't you just let me handle the Tolkien references, okay dumb jock?
Ryan: Well, I think he can be corrupted. Like Gollum.
Dwight K. Schrute: Smeagol was corrupted and became Gollum.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I might start a diabolical plot against him after this one.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Who's hungry?
Jim: What is that?
Erin: It's ants on a log. Michael would always have me bring them in at 2:30 and say "Who's hungry?"
Jim: Oh. I'm fine. Thank you, though.
Erin: Do you want me to spin you in your chair and make you dizzy?
Jim: Why would I wanna do that?
Erin: It's a thinking technique. All the top executives do it. It keeps the brain moving, and a spinning brain is a working brain.
Jim: For now, I'm just gonna go back to work here...
Erin: Oh sure.
Jim: Yeah. Thank you.

Quote from Meredith

Andy: That was weird.
Meredith: No it ain't. We all saw the Valentine you gave her.
Andy: I don't even know what that card said.
Meredith: Believe me, if I got that card? We'd be in the bathroom doin' it right... now.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: I really need my job back. We made a terrible mistake here.
Jim: For the record, I fought this. All right? And now, I'm not really sure what we do.
Michael Scott: We make a poster that says "Happy Opposite Day!" and she sees it on the way out... Nah, that's stupid. Ugh! I wish we had one of those amnesia flashlights from Men in Black.
Jim: Hey, what was that movie where their boss was within earshot and they could've just gone and talked to her.
Michael Scott: Lethal Weapon?
Jim: That's it. I think we should do it the Lethal Weapon way.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Um, why did I just receive a mass email from you that said that you don't like me? Do you realize how hard that makes me like you, Andy?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [entering elevator with Ryan] I can't help but think that something we did made this possible.
Ryan: Jim dug his own grave, but maybe we provided the shovel.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, temp, I like that. I'm going to engrave that into a piece of wood. Care to celebrate with a drink?
Ryan: I would love to. [elevator doors close, then reopen in the lobby] Why not?
Dwight K. Schrute: Because! Martini bars are pretentious. No, thank you.
Ryan: Well, I'm sorry that I don't want farm boy swill like you do, you know.
Dwight K. Schrute: It is not "farm boy swill," I will show you. It is beet Vodka and it is delicious.
Ryan: I am not interested in anything I have to make myself!

Quote from Michael Scott

Hotel Receptionist: [answering phone] Vancouver Court Hotel, how many I help you?
Michael Scott: Hello, Vancouver, this is Michael Scott calling from the United States of America! I have a reservation in your fair city from February 12th to the 19th, first week of the Olympics.
Hotel Receptionist: Well, we are looking forward to having you, so, let me just pull up your information here...
Michael Scott: Okey doke.
Hotel Receptionist: Um, I don't seem to have it, sir.
Michael Scott: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not seeing anything under "confirmation."
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Could it be under "affirmation?" Cause you have thousands of those.
Michael Scott: No. [to hotel employee on phone] We're trying to look it up right now.
Dwight K. Schrute: You did get the e-vite to my barbeque!
Michael Scott: Um, come on.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael...
Hotel Receptionist: Uh, sir? A lot of people are trying to get last-minute reservations at hotels here for the Olympics, but we've been fully booked for months.
Michael Scott: Well, I have been booked for three years, so you should have that. I've always heard that British Columbia is a very nice place, but I am not getting that from this conversation.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, I got it! Confirmation code: XV2RDM!
Hotel Receptionist: Oh, here it is. Yep.
Michael Scott: Oh.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you.
Hotel Receptionist: Uh-huh. Seven nights in our street-view economy single?
Michael Scott: That's it!
Hotel Receptionist: Yeah, we changed it since it was a while back. I do apologize.
Michael Scott: Uh-huh, okay...
Hotel Receptionist: Yeah, how may I help you Mr. Scott?
Michael Scott: All right, I would like to cancel my reservation, please.
Hotel Receptionist: There is a cancellation fee for this, sir.
Michael Scott: Okay, put it on my card.

Quote from Jo

Jo: Who is this tall drink of sun tea?
Gabe: That is Jim Halpert, he is the co-regional manager of this office.
Jo: [gesturing to Michael] I thought this guy was the manager?
Gabe: Oh, he is. He's the co-manager, and that's the other co-manager.
Jo: Two guys doing one job? We gotta do something about that!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Got some Valentine's cards for my coworkers and my bro-workers.
Angela: [as Andy is passing her a card] No, no!
Kevin: What, no candy?
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Valentine's Day, right around the corner. Erin and I have been on zero dates. So I got her a Valentine's Day card, but I didn't wanna seem "too eager," so I got cards for everyone in the whole office to kind of dilute it a little bit.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Jo, I don't know how things work in Florida, which from your description sounds like a colorful, lawless swamp, but here it takes two men to do one job, where in Florida it might take one very strong woman to do such a job.
Jim: Whoa, whoa.
Michael Scott: Whoa, whoa!

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: I'll take over. Um, what we're doing here, Michael handles more of the "big-picture" stuff, and I handle more of the day-to-day stuff, so together...
Jo: Yeah. I think I understand.
Jim: Alright.
Jo: Each of you is doing half a job.
Jim: No.
Michael Scott: And sometimes I can hardly handle that!

Quote from Andy

Andy: [almost running into Erin] Whoa-oh, traffic jam!
Erin: Uh-oh, traffic jam on route three!
Andy: [imitating car noises] Beep-beep! Beeooop-beep!
Erin: Beep! Twenty people dead in a pile-up!
Andy: There's blood everywhere!

Quote from Michael Scott

Jo: Now Jim here is thinking about taking himself out of the running for being manager.
Michael Scott: Really? Aw, that is so sweet of you! But, I cannot accept, because I have been thinking about it, and I think I wanna go back to sales.
Jo: Really?
Jim: Really.
Michael Scott: Yeah. You can take the man out of the salesman, but you can't take the sales out of salesman.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jo: Well, I think you're both being a little too modest.
Jim: No, I really, really think Michael is better at being manager for so many reasons.
Michael Scott: No, I think I would be bad. I would sleep in my office, and I would sexually harass people.
Jim: Why would you do that?
Michael Scott: I'm turning myself in right now!
Jo: You know, Michael, you have more experience in sales and management, so I'm gonna defer to your judgment.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Jo: I think you will become the salesman, and congratulations! [to Jim] You're gonna be the new manager of this branch!
Michael Scott: Great! That's great. Congratulations. Have fun signing my commission checks, boss.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I have to make some sales anyway. Who should I call with my magic sales fingers? [Michael's phone rings] Michael Scott, head of sales.
Jim: [on phone] You gotta do something, man. You can't just sit there.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [blows whistle] I just got a new account for the gentleman's club in Carbondale. It is called "Curves." I went by there the other day, saw some of the women walking in. Not really my cup of tea. Actually, Kevin, you might like it!
Kevin: Nice!
Dwight K. Schrute: You know, we really don't announce out loud our sales that much.
Michael Scott: Why not? It's part of the sales experience.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's not really 1992 anymore.
Michael Scott: Well, okay.

Quote from Erin

Kelly: [reading Andy's card] "You brighten my day with the sound of your voice, you bring so much laughter and love, you're everything to me, and I was so blessed when God sent you here to me."
Erin: Geez louise.
Kelly: I know, obsessed with me much?
Erin: Well, everyone got one.
Kelly: What did yours say?
Erin: "Friends are worth sharing a doghouse with."
[aside to camera:]
Erin: It's no wonder that Andy gave Kelly such a romantic card. I can't compete with her. That girl can sing, and dance, and gets all of her clothes at the mall. And I feel like such a fool for thinking that Andy was only going after one girl, cause Andy Bernard is a playboy. And, why shouldn't he be? He's got it all.

Quote from Phyllis

Michael Scott: What is that smell? Do you smell that? What is that? Like a sulfur deposit under here?
Pam: Michael, stop.
Michael Scott: No, I'm serious, we don't have to put up... Is it the dogs?
Pam: Michael...
Michael Scott: You know what, we don't have to deal with this. I am going to Google sulfur maps.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, it's Phyllis.
Michael Scott: No, this is geological.
Phyllis: I sent an email out to everyone in this area that this might be a side effect to my new allergy medication I'm on.
Michael Scott: Are you kidding me?
Phyllis: No.
Michael Scott: And you guys are okay with this?
Dwight K. Schrute: She sent an email.
Phyllis: I did.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Oh! You scared me!
Andy: I'm sorry, I thought you saw me.
Kelly: I didn't see you. And you were there all along. [takes papers out of copy machine] Well, I warmed it up for you so, should be good to go.
Andy: Cool, thanks.
Kelly: Bye, Andy. [kisses his cheek]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Michael Scott: You know, it's funny. I used to stand in here and wish I was out there. Now I'm out there, and I wish I was in here.
Jim: Well, the grass is always greener.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Except there's no grass out there. It's just a farty dirt patch.

Quote from Jo

Jo: [cell phone rings] Oh, I gotta take this. Yep. Uh, finish walking my dogs for me. And don't ride 'em. Lotta people try to ride 'em.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Excuse me? Everyone? Please check your emails, I just sent you the following message: "Coworkers, you may have received a Valentine from me. Please understand this does not mean that I like you in any way."
Phyllis: You don't even like us as friends?
Andy: Phyllis, you guys are like my closest friends. I just mean I don't like-like you.
Oscar: What are we, five?
Andy: "Please don't read into this card. Yours in professionalism, Nard dog."

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, it smells good in here.
Erin: Sure does! Okay, we have your space heater, your humidifier, your dehumidifier, your fan, your foot fan, and your food dehydrator.
Michael Scott: Erin, what about my keyboard? [Erin hits a button on an electronic keyboard, playing a beat] Aw, so good to be home. How about a little Bosa Nova?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Well, well, well. Hmm. Boss for, what was it? Oh, four and a half hours? New record. Low. Previous record? Henry Rostin. Boss for nine years, four months. And he only left because he had family matters to attend to and he- [Jim dunks Dwight's tie in his coffee cup] What? Michael!

Quote from Ryan

Dwight K. Schrute: Listen, I know you have to say that, but we got a little problem here. There is an employee named Jim Halpert, and he is doing some terrible things, okay? He is molesting people via the internet. And we need to stop him.
Nick: I think that you should call the cops.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, the cops called us. So I'm gonna need you to give me the password to Jim Halpert's computer.
Nick: I don't know what to tell you, man. I'm sorry, I just can't give out his password like that.
Ryan: Nick. We could make things very, very difficult for you.
Nick: Are you... you threatening me?
Ryan: Threatening you? No.
[Ryan tries to crush an aluminium can. Dwight crushes an apple.]


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