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39Quotes from ‘Threat Level Midnight’

The Office: Threat Level Midnight

717. Threat Level Midnight

Aired February 17, 2011

Michael finally screens the film he's been working on for years, "Threat Level: Midnight", to the office.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I'm too depressed to save the big game Billy.
Andy: I'm gonna cheer you up, the only ways I know hows. [to a small boy in overalls] Hey, kid, hit G9 on the jukebox!
Michael Scott: No, Billy, I haven't done that dance since my wife died.
Andy: There is a whole crowd of people out there, who need to learn, how to do The Scarn.
Michael Scott: [Michael starts to dance and rap to a funky song] Well my name's Michael Scarn and I'm here to say, I'm about to do The Scarn in a major way. [everyone else joins in] You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn! You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn! You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: After three years of writing, one year of shooting, four years of re-shooting and two years of editing, I have finally completed my movie, Threat Level: Midnight.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: I gave up a lot of weekends because I thought it'd be good for my daughter to see a black man as president. Even in a silly home movie. What a stupid waste of time.

Quote from Michael Scott

[After the scene where Toby is killed is played, showing his head being shot off multiple times:]
Michael Scott: Far and away, the most expensive shot in the movie. But, it was "intregal" to the story.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I've only seen Antz, but I'll tell you something. What I respect about that man, is that when he was going through all that stuff that came out in the press, about how Antz was just a rip-off of A Bug's Life, he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw, which again was Antz. The thing is... I thought Bug's Life was better, much better. Than Ants. The point is, don't listen to your critics, listen to your fans.

Quote from Pam

Jim: Threat Level: Midnight is the great lost film of Michael Scott.
Pam: We're all in it, from like years and years ago. It's like a home movie.
Jim: Yeah, if Michael Scott did your home movie!
Pam: Michael screened a work in progress for us, years ago, and it didn't go well. We thought it was a comedy. Everything pointed to it being a comedy.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I play Samuel, Michael Scarn's robot butler. I wanted Samuel's voice- [as a robot] to be like this! [normally] But Michael thought that Samuel should be a very advance android, almost indistinguishable from a real person.
[later, also to camera:]
Michael Scott: Dwight does not play a robot.

Quote from Jim

Stanley: [as narrator] Well, the hostages were scared.
Kevin: Don't you guys get it? Nobody's coming for us.
Jim: [his face painted gold] Oh someone's coming alright, the only man who would care, Michael Scarn. See, I'm gonna lure him here, then I kill everybody, then... I'm gonna dig up Scarn's dead wife, and I'm gonna hump her real good.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: I did not love the dialogue. Or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm intercepting a name. Jasmine Winsong. She works for Goldenface. What I can't figure out is, who is the Funky Cat.
Michael Scott: Not who, what. The Funky Cat is the hippest Jazz Club in town. [stands up with his cup of coffee and walks by Samuel, pouring the drink all over him]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh-
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: He cut the part where my circuit board malfunctioned! What was the point of spilling the drink on me?

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: Why do you have to make a movie at all?
Michael Scott: Because, if I don't have this, what do I have? I have nothing.
Holly: Really, you can't think of anything else that you might have?
Michael Scott: I have my book on business, "Somehow I Manage". I have my HBO comedy special, "Here I Go Again...". But you know what? When I think about it, when I really think about it, none of those things are as real to me as my movie.
Holly: I'm real.
Michael Scott: Yeah, you're a real pain in the ass. And I'm gonna go watch the movie with people who think it's great! And I'm sorry I called you a pain in the ass, I'm angry, and I love you.
Holly: I love you, too.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Some breakfast for me [holds a plate of bacon and eggs] and some breakfast for you. [pulls out an oil can and pours it on the circuit board on Samuel's back]
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Oh yeah, I guess I did let him be a robot.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I'll get it! Man, I love being retired! [answers phone] Scarn here.
Darryl: [on phone] Michael, it's the president.
Michael Scott: Hello sir.
Darryl: I need you for another mission.
Michael Scott: Ugh... I'm in.
[back at the screening:]
Andy: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Isn't the president evil?
Michael Scott: Oh yeah! [laughs] Yes, he is!
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, he's doing it to catch the president!
Michael Scott: No, no Dwight. He's just being stupid.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [rapping to scenes of the movie] Ah, yeah! Threat Level Midnight! Makes all the girlies feel alright! From Madonna to Madeleine Albright, Threat Level Midnight! It's a threat, a level, a level level threat. He's the greatest hockey-star I ever seen yet. Threat Level what? Midnight! Threat Level who? Michael Scarn! Threat Level why? Apartheid! Gotta fight it, Free Mandela! Peace, I'm out!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Clean up on aisle five.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Okay everyone, I know we're really excited to see this movie that everybody's in, but we have to remember that Michael is sensitive, so let's stay positive! And no laughing, no comments, just positive energy and we'll have a pure fun day! Okay?
Creed: Thanks, mom.

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: You never told me you made a movie.
Michael Scott: Mmm. It's got action, it's got heart, it's got some bosom.
Holly: It's got you.
Michael Scott: It's got a lot of me.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I'm up.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's the president. He needs you for a mission.
Michael Scott: Tell him I'm retired.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's Goldenface.
Michael Scott: Goldenface? This makes it personal.

Quote from Michael Scott

Darryl: It's your old enemy, Goldenface. He's after the NHL All Star Game. He's hidden a bomb somewhere in the stadium. Scarn, this one is personal for me. I own the stadium. I can't see it blown up. It's my retirement plan.
Dwight K. Schrute: We have to search the stadium.
Darryl: Not so fast, Goldenface has taken all the concession stand workers hostage. Scarn, will you find these hostages, and save the game?
Michael Scott: [holding a quarter] Heads I do it, tails I don't. Best out of seven. [flips the coin] Heads. Tails...Heads...Tails...Heads...Tails. Well, it looks like there's going to be a clean-up on aisle five.

Quote from Creed

Stanley: Well, the All Star Game was three days away, so naturally it was all sold out. The only way Scarn was getting in was in a uniform. There was just one problem with that, Scarn didn't know a hockey stick from a Slim Jim. So he went to meet with the famed trainer... [Michael stops the car and gets out] Cherokee Jack.
Creed: Mop the ice.
Michael Scott: I'm not here to learn how to mop, I'm here to learn how to play hockey.
Creed: Mop it.

Quote from Jim

Stanley: [as narrator] Well, Michael Scarn was quickly becoming one of the hottest hockey players in the country.
Ryan: Each year, the National Hockey League selects one civilian amateur to play in the All Star Game. It's down to the three of you. The final test is speed skating. [holds a gun to the ceiling] On your marks, get set...
Jim: Die!

Quote from Jan

Jan: He finished his movie? No kidding. Wow, that's great. Yeah that's good for him.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Sorry about your friend, Scarn!
Michael Scott: The joke's on you Goldenface, that man was a wanted animal rapist.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: We've searched the whole building, Goldenface, where is the bomb?
Jim: Hmm?
Dwight K. Schrute: We've searched the whole building, Goldenface, where is the bomb?
Jim: Hm?
Dwight K. Schrute: We've searched the wh- Okay.
Michael Scott: He said, where is the bomb?
Jim: In the puck! [tosses the puck to Michael]
Michael Scott: Why are you telling me this?
Jim: Because I'm going to kill you. [takes out golden gun] Unless! You forgive me for murdering your wife.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, Goldenface.
Jim: Yeah?
Michael Scott: Go puck yourself!
Jim: [dodges the puck and shoots at Michael]
Dwight K. Schrute: Noooo! [jumps in front of Michael to take the bullet]
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: That was not scripted.

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: More Tylenol.
Helene: [as a busty nurse] You've already had four.
Pam: [seeing her mother on screen] Oh God! [looks at Michael] So good.

Quote from Michael Scott

Darryl: You just said the bomb... is in the puck?
Michael & Dwight: Yes.
Darryl: Is that where you hid the bomb Goldenface?
[Jim walks into the Oval Office with an accomplice]
Dwight K. Schrute: But why would you blow up the stadium? You own the stadium!
Michael Scott: For the insurance money! I knew it all along! You will never get away with this! [takes a painting of Abraham Lincoln and awkwardly smashes it on the President's head, runs out of the office as Goldenface and his associate shoot at them]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [v.o. in his film] Where had I gone wrong? All I wanted was to start a family with my beautiful wife. But somewhere along the way, things got messed up.
Stanley: [as narrator] It wasn't easy for Scarn to admit that he had lost his self-confidence. And he hadn't of course, he just wasn't using it right now.

Quote from Andy

All: [as Mike enters the bar] Mike!
Michael Scott: [in a bar] Beer me Billy.
Andy: [as a bartender with a Brooklyn accent] You don't looks so good, what's got ya down?
Michael Scott: I got problems Billy. Big problems...
Andy: You got problems?! My TV don't work! I pay thirty bucks a month for the damn satellite what's-a-whosit, I can't even get the damn game! Now you tell me, what's worse than that?

Quote from Karen

Michael Scott: Don't ever change Billy. Goldenface is going to blow up the NHL All Star Game tomorrow.
Andy: I see what you mean about problems. I know what'll cheer you up. That table of bachelorettes over there bought you this drink.
Karen: Ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby? [winks]
[aside to camera:]
Karen: Why are you singling my line out, like, a million years later?

Quote from Kevin

Jim: I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry. I think I was just relieved, to see that Michael Scarn got his confidence back.
Kelly: Yeah, Michael, the movie is amazing!
Kevin: It's like one of the best movies I've ever seen in my life.
Ryan: You should enter it in festivals!
Kevin: Or carnivals!

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: Hey! Good movie.
Michael Scott: Mmmm, good? Everybody out there says it's great!
Holly: I loved it.
Michael Scott: Did you? What did you love about it?
Holly: Um, I loved that you got to work together with all your friends. Isn't that great when you can all work together like that?
Michael Scott: No, no. Holly, this isn't Ocean's Eleven, where you get together with all your friends and you just have fun and don't care about how it turns out. What'd you really think, honestly?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Is it, is it because you're afraid of where this is gonna take me? See, because I need you... to keep me grounded.
Holly: Not worried about that.
Michael Scott: [angrily] It was eleven years, okay? This has been my dream for eleven years, and if you don't think it's great than you're basically saying that you don't believe in my dream.
Holly: Wha- It's your dream? You never even mentioned it before!
Michael Scott: Well, I talk about a lot of things, Holly! I was eventually gonna get around to my dream! Obviously! Eleven years that I could've been working on the Scarn Nebulus.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, you have to get to that puck before halftime! Or the whole stadium will explode!
Michael Scott: I know. It's a good thing my trainer and mentor is here to cheer me on!
Dwight K. Schrute: Cherokee Jack? Michael, he died.
Michael Scott: [crying] This one's for you Cherokee Jack.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: We filmed this during an actual Scranton High School Hockey Game, trying to qualify for states.
Jim: Ssh, ssh. That's fine, it's great!
Michael Scott: No, no! Actually it's really screwed up because they [chuckles], they were trying to qualify, they were disqualified, they had to forfeit the game. Undefeated season. That's why there were so many people there.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Why is your face gold?
Jim: Why do you care?
Pam: I'm just making conversation.
Jim: I worked in a gold factory, we had a boss, who only cared about money...

Quote from Creed

Michael Scott: Cherokee Jack.
Creed: I want you to take all of your frustrations, with women, the system, with everything. Take it out on the puck. All on the puck.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [as Billy the bartender] Hey, we got sports games again!

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: [as narrator] Well, Michael Scarn was back in the game. And I bet you're wondering why do I know so much about Michael Scarn. [the camera reveals Michael Scarn, gray haired, talking with Stanley's voice] Well because I am Michael Scarn. [applause]

Quote from Todd

Todd: If doing The Scarn is gay, then I'm the biggest queer on Earth!


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