Michael Scott: I'm too depressed to save the big game Billy.
Andy: I'm gonna cheer you up, the only ways I know hows. [to a small boy in overalls] Hey, kid, hit G9 on the jukebox!
Michael Scott: No, Billy, I haven't done that dance since my wife died.
Andy: There is a whole crowd of people out there, who need to learn, how to do The Scarn.
Michael Scott: [Michael starts to dance and rap to a funky song] Well my name's Michael Scarn and I'm here to say, I'm about to do The Scarn in a major way. [everyone else joins in] You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn! You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn! You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn!

Michael Scott: After three years of writing, one year of shooting, four years of re-shooting and two years of editing, I have finally completed my movie, Threat Level: Midnight.

Darryl: I gave up a lot of weekends because I thought it'd be good for my daughter to see a black man as president. Even in a silly home movie. What a stupid waste of time.

[After the scene where Toby is killed is played, showing his head being shot off multiple times:]
Michael Scott: Far and away, the most expensive shot in the movie. But, it was "intregal" to the story.

Michael Scott: I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I've only seen Antz, but I'll tell you something. What I respect about that man, is that when he was going through all that stuff that came out in the press, about how Antz was just a rip-off of A Bug's Life, he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw, which again was Antz. The thing is... I thought Bug's Life was better, much better. Than Ants. The point is, don't listen to your critics, listen to your fans.

Jim: Threat Level: Midnight is the great lost film of Michael Scott.
Pam: We're all in it, from like years and years ago. It's like a home movie.
Jim: Yeah, if Michael Scott did your home movie!
Pam: Michael screened a work in progress for us, years ago, and it didn't go well. We thought it was a comedy. Everything pointed to it being a comedy.

Andy: [rapping to scenes of the movie] Ah, yeah! Threat Level Midnight! Makes all the girlies feel alright! From Madonna to Madeleine Albright, Threat Level Midnight! It's a threat, a level, a level level threat. He's the greatest hockey-star I ever seen yet. Threat Level what? Midnight! Threat Level who? Michael Scarn! Threat Level why? Apartheid! Gotta fight it, Free Mandela! Peace, I'm out!

Dwight K. Schrute: I play Samuel, Michael Scarn's robot butler. I wanted Samuel's voice- [as a robot] to be like this! [normally] But Michael thought that Samuel should be a very advance android, almost indistinguishable from a real person.
[later, also to camera:]
Michael Scott: Dwight does not play a robot.

Stanley: [as narrator] Well, the hostages were scared.
Kevin: Don't you guys get it? Nobody's coming for us.
Jim: [his face painted gold] Oh someone's coming alright, the only man who would care, Michael Scarn. See, I'm gonna lure him here, then I kill everybody, then... I'm gonna dig up Scarn's dead wife, and I'm gonna hump her real good.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: I did not love the dialogue. Or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless.

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm intercepting a name. Jasmine Winsong. She works for Goldenface. What I can't figure out is, who is the Funky Cat.
Michael Scott: Not who, what. The Funky Cat is the hippest Jazz Club in town. [stands up with his cup of coffee and walks by Samuel, pouring the drink all over him]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh-
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: He cut the part where my circuit board malfunctioned! What was the point of spilling the drink on me?