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36Quotes from ‘Michael's Birthday’

The Office: Michael's Birthday

219. Michael's Birthday

Aired March 30, 2006

As Michael hopes everyone at Dunder Mifflin will celebrate his birthday, Kevin awaits news from his doctor.

Quote from Michael Scott

Kevin: It's negative.
Michael Scott: Oh, God! We're gonna beat this, okay? We're gonna- Come here.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Well, apparently, in the medicine community, "negative" means "good," which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community that would be chaos.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you.
Oscar: Who is this guy again?
Michael Scott: Don't worry about Phil. He drives a Corvette. He's doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.
Ryan: Who uses calling cards anymore?
Michael Scott: You know what? That's a nice attitude, Ryan. I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend.
Oscar: It sounds like a get-rich-quick scheme.
Michael Scott: Yes, thank you. You will get rich quick. We all will.
Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, that one from the e-mail?
Michael Scott: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay? All right, so raise your hand if you wanna get rich. All right.
Jim: No. How is this not a pyramid scheme?
Michael Scott: All right, let me explain, again. Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more people who are investing, the more money we're all gonna make. It's not a pyramid scheme. It is a- It's not even a scheme, per se. It's...
[Jim draws a triangle around Michael's drawing of the different levels of participants]
Michael Scott: I have to go make a call.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Today is my B-day. And people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why. Oh, fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect icebreaker if I ever meet Teri Hatcher.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, that is not an 8-foot sub.
Delivery guy: We don't make an 8-foot sub. This is eight 1-foot subs.
Dwight K. Schrute: F. All right, what's the damage?
Delivery guy: $39.60.
Dwight K. Schrute: $39. Sixty.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food, I can drive a taxi, I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Michael's birthday. It's pretty fun to watch, actually. He gets very excited and then he eats a lot of cake. And then he runs around the office. And then he has a sugar crash in the afternoon. And then he falls asleep. And that's when we get our work done.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids. And I got a really bad rash from the pony. And all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside. And my mother was rubbing cream on me for probably three hours and I never came outside. And by the time I got out, the pony was already in the truck and around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: When I was 16, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with. So she went out with him on my birthday. And she got him a cake at the restaurant, and it wasn't even his birthday. But I heard about it the next day in school. So, that was the worst birthday I think I ever had.

Quote from Pam

Jim: So, we got Kev some stuff. Party pack of M&M's, his favorite candy. A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie. And he lent it to Creed, so I can guarantee you he won't get that back.
Pam: Sixty-nine Cup of Noodles.
Jim: Which we realize sounds crass, but it is his favorite number.
Pam: And his favorite lunch.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: [on the phone] Hello, Michael?
Michael Scott: Hey, you.
Jan: I'm returning your call. You said it was urgent.
Michael Scott: It is urgent. I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.
Jan: Well, today's not my birthday. So...
Michael Scott: Really? 'Cause I thought we had the same birthday.
Jan: Happy birthday, Michael.
Michael Scott: Thanks.
Jan: [on the phone] Am I on camera?
Michael Scott: Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart.
[call disconnects]
Michael Scott: [to camera person] You can take a five if you want.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Second opinion on what?
Kevin: I might have skin cancer.
Kelly: Oh, no. I was watching Grey's Anatomy and there was a lifeguard on it, and he had skin cancer, too.

Quote from Angela

Oscar: Skin cancer is treatable.
Kevin: Right.
Oscar: It's gonna be okay.
Angela: You don't know it's going to be okay. Don't give him false hope. ... It's probably nothing though.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

[Dwight plays the recorder for Michael]
Michael Scott: Stop it! Stop! What is that?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's For The Longest Time by William Joel.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's your favorite song.
Michael Scott: Yeah, when it's on the radio.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Apparently, my mother is the only one who cares enough to send me anything.
Dwight K. Schrute: I probably care more than she does.
Michael Scott: You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this.

Quote from Pam

Pam: If I knew I had a week to live, I would probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. It would be a pretty busy week.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Everybody, birthday party subs. My gift to you.
Oscar: What is this?
Dwight K. Schrute: Baloney, tomato and ketchup.
Michael Scott: The best.
Stanley: These are all the same.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Angela: Baloney? I don't eat baloney.
Michael Scott: Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup. It's still good.
Angela: No.
Michael Scott: Just the bread. It's fresh-baked.
Angela: No.
Michael Scott: Okay. Get whatever you want. And choke on it.

Quote from Angela

Dwight K. Schrute: Save room for ice cream cake.
Angela: Thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, I got it.
Angela: Wait. It's the Party Planning Committee.
Dwight K. Schrute: [whispering] This is the most important day of the year. I can't risk anything.
Angela: Fine.
Dwight K. Schrute: What about that meeting later to discuss finances?
Angela: Yes. [whispering] But don't expect any cookie.
Dwight K. Schrute: But what if I'm hungry?
Angela: No cookie.

Quote from Pam

Jim: Oh, I dare you to make an announcement.
Pam: You dare me? How old are you?
Jim: Just quit stalling.
Pam: [over Tannoy] Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner.
Jim: Such a dork.
Pam: [over Tannoy] Jim Halpert, price check on fabric softener. The kind with the cute-
Store Employee: Ma'am, please don't touch that. That is not a toy.
Pam: Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.
Jim: How old are you?
Pam: I hate you.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Honestly, is there any way you can get on your fiancee's plan? Our health plan is terrible.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Here you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that fully recover.
Kevin: It's still scary.
Michael Scott: Yeah, but it's not brain cancer, and it shouldn't stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is?
Kevin: Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and Dacarbazine.
Michael Scott: And laughter also.

Quote from Michael Scott

Toby: I don't really think people are in the laughing mood.
Michael Scott: Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party.
Toby: I work here.
Michael Scott: "I work here." All right. Well, you know what? Since Toby doesn't speak for everybody, and I am your boss, I think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day.
Kevin: If I go home now, I'll just drive myself crazy.
Michael Scott: Well, you're pretty much driving everybody else here crazy. ... Crazy with worry.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, because I kicked in all the stalls.
Jim: Well, that's an invasion of privacy, so I'm gonna tell Michael.
Dwight K. Schrute: Please, don't.
Jim: You owe me.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL, but you're on the road so much. You get no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, Pam. All the stuff with Kevin is pretty scary. And I'm thinking that next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time-bags. All right? Think about it.
Jim: It's something to think about.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You're late.
Kevin: Thank you, it's noon.
Michael Scott: But, I forgive you. Because doth, it is my birthday.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Birthday hug.
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no. New suit. Please.
Dwight K. Schrute: That suit is amazing.
Michael Scott: Thank you very much. It is from Italy. Actually, Bulgaria. So...
Dwight K. Schrute: Hmm. Maybe I should get one.
Michael Scott: Good luck. One-of-a-kind.
Dwight K. Schrute: EBay.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Party Planning Committee, listen up. Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake, so make that a priority.
Phyllis: Where do we get those?
Dwight K. Schrute: Not my problem. Here's a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by.
Pam: Michael wants a stripper gram?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, but he doesn't want to know when or whom.

Quote from Michael Scott

Toby: Who brought in donuts?
Michael Scott: Somebody got donuts for my birthday.
Toby: Happy birthday.
Michael Scott: You didn't know it was my birthday?
Toby: I guess I forgot.
Michael Scott: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut.
Toby: Are you serious?
Michael Scott: Mmm.

Quote from Michael Scott

Delivery Woman: Hi. Delivery for Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Here we go. Okay, this is great. Thank you, my friends. She is perfect. Dwight, may I have your chair, please? And some singles if you will? All right. Okay. All right. This has arms. Is that gonna be a- Is that all right?
Delivery woman: Sure.
Michael Scott: [laughing] Okay. I'm so nervous.
Pam: I can sign for it.
Delivery woman: Oh, thanks.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael! Michael! Michael! Michael! Michael! Come here, come here, come here, come here.
Michael Scott: What? What?
Dwight K. Schrute: Listen up, everyone. It is 11:23 exactly. The exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal. So, huh? Right, have a seat please.
Michael Scott: Oh, God.
Dwight K. Schrute: There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair.
Michael Scott: Oh, no.
Dwight K. Schrute: So come over and help me celebrate Michael's birth moment.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Happy birth moment, Michael.
Michael Scott: Thank you.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, Temp, you know we still got five feet of sandwich left.
Ryan: Someone ate three feet of that thing?
Dwight K. Schrute: Hell, yeah.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I asked for trick candles.
Dwight K. Schrute: Pam was supposed to get them. Sorry.
Michael Scott: Okay. Well, when she comes back we'll do it again.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hello? What about the birthday boy? Haven't had a hug all day.
Angela: No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer.
Michael Scott: Oh, that sucks! Great. Wow, that's good timing. That's- Sorry, that's terrible. Terrible news. That's terrible news for both of us. We should probably head back. Yeah, okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Excuse me, everyone. Attention, please. Kevin, we're gonna take you to a very special place, a place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun.
Stanley: Is this trip in any way related to your birthday?
Michael Scott: How dare you, sir. You are gross.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Wowee, look at that jersey!
Dwight K. Schrute: Turn it around. Turn it around.
Michael Scott: Cool.
Dwight K. Schrute: Show it.
Michael Scott: Great.
Dwight K. Schrute: "From Dwight. Number One."


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