Michael Scott: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Mikela: You lied to us.
Michael Scott: I lied to myself too. I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close. And then I thought maybe by the time I was 40. But by 40, I had less money than when I was 30. Maybe by my 50s, I don't know. I wanted to pay for your education. I really did. It was my dream. Some people have evil dreams, some people have selfish dreams or wet dreams. My dream was in the right place.

Pam: What's "Scott's Tots?"
Stanley: [breaking out laughing] Has it really been ten years?
[aside to camera:]
Stanley: [holding up a newspaper] "Local businessman pledges college tuition to third graders" [laughs]

Andy: Dr. Tuna, MD, I have some terrible news.
Jim: Wait, are you the patient or the doctor?
Andy: The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays.
Jim: Wow. What do you put our chances at?
Andy: 0%, unless we perform an immediate emergency morale transplant, stat!
Jim: Hmm, sounds risky.
Andy: Don't worry. There is a surefire cure. Employee of the Month. Every awesome place I've worked has had one.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, AIG, my summer at Enron.

Stephanie: [answering phone] David Wallace's office.
Dwight K. Schrute: [imitating Kevin] This is Kevin Malone, is David there?
Stephanie: No, he's in his weekly staff meeting, can I take a message?
Dwight K. Schrute: Tell him I'm mad at Jim, because he's asking us to give money to Pam.
[later:]
Dwight K. Schrute: [imitating Stanley] This is Stanley Hudson. Jim Halpert is a menace.
[later:]
Dwight K. Schrute: [imitating Toby] It's Toby Flenderson. Listen, things are getting really bad down here.

Dwight K. Schrute: Five minutes ahead of schedule. Right on schedule.

Michael Scott: I just, I fell in love with those kids. and I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system, so I made them a promise. I told them that if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I've made some empty promises in my life, but hands down, that was the most generous.

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey Jimmy, what's up?
Jim: Not much.
Dwight K. Schrute: Cool. Very cool. I bet if you tried, you could grow the best beard of anyone in this office.
Jim: [laughs] Thanks Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: That laugh is so infectious.
Jim: You're creeping me out. I'm gonna go.
Dwight K. Schrute: I didn't mean any of those things I just said. And you can expect the same from everyone in this office if you don't nip this whole Employee of the Month situation in the bud. Make it about the work.
Jim: Let me guess, you think you should get it.
Dwight K. Schrute: This encompasses all available data. Hours, tardiness, unconfirmed sick days, participation. Everyone has been assigned a random number for total fairness and transparency. Also, this should be accompanied by a monetary prize.
Jim: Well, in an ideal world...
Dwight K. Schrute: In an ideal world, I would have all ten fingers on my left hand, so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.

Lefervre: You owe this to us!
Michael Scott: Okay, hold on. Hold on. Now, I can't pay for your college. But you don't have to go to class to be in class. Online courses are a viable option to a traditional college experience. And the best way to access those courses is with your own personal laptop. Which is rendered useless without batteries, and I have one for each of you. [students yell] Hey, hold-hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. They're lithium.

Andy: You wanted to see me?
Michael Scott: Yeah, Have a seat.
Andy: Is it serious? [Michael stares] Wow. Andy's a wittle scawed.
Michael Scott: Okay, right there. Right there is the problem. There have been reports around the office that you have been talking baby talk.
Andy: Why would people say that?
Michael Scott: Well, I have it on good authority that you said the following. [hands Andy a note card] Can you read that back to me?
Andy: Andy have a boo-boo tummy.
Michael Scott: Mmm-hmm.
Andy: Would you rather me say "Hey guys, my irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up?"
Michael Scott: Okay.
Andy: "Crazy diarrhea happening right now?" Cause things can get real adult real fast.
Michael Scott: You are also on record as saying "wittle-ittle," "footy-wutties," "num-nums," "jammies," "make boom-boom," "widiculous," and "wode iwand."
Andy: Do I sometimes replace Rs with Ws? Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across? Well if I do, Andy's sowwy.

Erin: Frankie's Dirty Joke of the Day? There's a bunch of those.
Michael Scott: Keep.
Erin: There's a bunch of sent e-mails that just say "Delivered." Should I delete all of those?
Michael Scott: I want to keep those so I can see what I sent.
Erin: That's why you have a "Sent Mail" folder.
Michael Scott: Keep.
Erin: There's about 30 news alerts for "Nip slip."
Michael Scott: For what?
Erin: "Nip slip."
Michael Scott: Oh. Okay. I don't know how those got on there. Must be hackers.