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28Quotes from ‘Turf War’

The Office: Turf War

823. Turf War

Aired May 3, 2012

A turf war breaks out between Dunder Mifflin Scranton and Binghampton after a drunken Robert impetuously closes down a branch. Meanwhile, Andy doesn't know what to do with himself now he's out of work.

Quote from Robert

Robert: [answering phone] Yeah, hello?
Andy: [in cell phone] You once put me on a list of the losers in the office. Well, this loser just got your biggest client to give him all their business. So hire me back, that business is yours. Don't, and I will find another buyer.
Robert: You're blackmailing me.
Andy: It's just business.
Robert: Ah. [chuckles] Well, I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penised debutante. You wanna start a street fight with me, bring it on, but you're gonna be surprised by how ugly it gets. You don't even know my real name. I'm the [bleep] lizard king.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Shaping a company is, in a sense, similar to training a geisha. You have to mold not merely the physical form, but also the character. The two must harmonize. Are they still there? [camera pans to Harry, Dwight and Jim looking at Robert] They want a decision who gets the big client. Well, they can wait. I'll still be talking about geishas long past their bedtime. You know, I trained as one.

Quote from Toby

Harry: Where do you get off crossing state lines?
Toby: Now, we're actually a lot closer to Binghamton than you are. Kimosabe.
[aside to camera:]
Toby: I like to think Lloyd Gross is a no-nonsense guy who doesn't back down from anybody. And he calls people "Kimosabe".

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: The salesmen have a commission cap, but we figured out a way around it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Lloyd Gross is a fictional salesman we invented to – how do I put this – steal from the company. Embezzle. To commit fraud.
Jim: Okay, it sounds sketchy, but it helps us get more money.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Jim: Pam made a drawing of Lloyd. He is a blend of all the salesman.

Quote from Erin

Harry: Who the hell are Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute?
Erin: Jim, Dwight, what are your last names?

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: Ugh, man. My delts are blasted. I wish they had a chart for how much protein powder to scoop for a 180 pound man with no fat.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Why is it when other people spend all their time at the office, they're rewarded for it, and when I do it, I am told it's a little much? Is it because I am not an employee anymore, because that's what it feels like.

Quote from Robert

[After Robert vomits in the trash can by Jim's desk]
Jim: Robert?
Oscar: Why did Binghamton close?
Robert: Can everyone just, please... I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and – how should I say this – Columbian whites. What- What is this about, uh, Binghamton?
Kevin: The branch closed. Forever.
[aside to camera:]
Robert: Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today. Or, I guess, last night. But, in vino veritas as they say, I'm not gonna start doubting my drunken self now.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: How about this? How about we just ask Robert? Can we all agree that maybe the C.E.O should decide this?
Harry: Robert's here. Look at us. Bickering like schoolgirls, looking around the room for things to hit each other with.
Jim: I don't think we were doing that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Chair, lamp, plant, table leg, Jim's leg.

Quote from Robert

Harry: Listen, Robert, I don't have time. There's a big client in play. Prestige direct mail solutions–
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't listen to him.
Harry: Used to be Binghamton's–
Dwight K. Schrute: Nope.
Harry: I want it, it's mine.
Dwight K. Schrute: Prestige is ours. Okay, they're responsible for half of the junk mail on the eastern seaboard. We get them. We already put a call into them, Robert.
Harry: We need you to make a decision.
Dwight K. Schrute: Make a decision.
Robert: I have decided. Neither of you are to have any contact with either Prestige or any other Binghamton client until I have figured out how to divide things up. As Solomon once said...

Quote from Andy

Andy: Some bizarre energy in this place today. Robert is going off the rails, making some funky decisions. Like why is nobody gonna call on Prestige? That is a huge client. I mean, they could give their business to the first person to walk in the door. Could be any idiot. Any idiot at all.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Wha– What is this supposed to be?
Jim: It's a monkey.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim, get real. This is not a monkey. It's got a hula skirt and a blue nose.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: Did someone say girl talk?
[aside to camera:]
Gabe: Sometimes I wonder if I have ovaries in my scrotum, because I am great at girl talk.
[back:]
Gabe: Have you guys been watching any good Korean soap operas? I'm pretty deep into Hee-Jungcinderella girl. Although, I definitely fast-forward through the young-Tae storylines.
Nellie: Do you think I'd like that, or is it important to have an Asian fetish?
Gabe: Uh, I think you're gonna need to have an Asian fetish. Yeah. [chuckles] It'll be upsetting if you don't.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I'm a former paper executive. I know the product. I know the margins. I can save you 25% on your costs.
Mr. Ramish: Why haven't I heard of you? You got any references?
Andy: No. I'm a rogue.
Mr. Ramish: Uh-huh.
Andy: Which is the best part. That means you will be my first customer and your business will get 100% of my attention. Now... [pulls out business card] I have written down my personal phone number. You call this anytime.
Mr. Ramish: Every salesman I've ever met has given me his personal phone number.
Andy: Of course they have. Which is why I'm giving you a key to my house. Whatever you need – anytime, night or day – you just stop on by.
Mr. Ramish: You want me to drive to your house if I need paper?
Andy: Maybe you just want someone to talk to. Maybe you need a place to crash for a couple of days. My wireless password is eat pray love. Easy to remember.

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: Things are looking up. I might be a mother soon. I have MasterCard right where I want them. And... I have a new friend. A friend. At work.

Quote from Jim

Harry: So what would you do if you weren't selling paper?
Jim: Oh, man, I'd have to sell beets. Probably submit them for competitions.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Jim: Yeah! I know it sounds stupid, but nationals has always kinda been a dream of mine.
Dwight K. Schrute: How have we never talked about this before? Wait. You don't even care about nationals.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Protein powder, huh? You cut it with water? Why don't you just take estrogen? [swallows powder] [coughs] There you go boys. See how papa takes care of you? [kisses bicep] Mwah.
Gabe: I remember when people thought biceps were all that. They'd flex them all night at the discotheque.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, I bet you think it's all about core, huh?
Gabe: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, please.

Quote from Jim

Andy: Lot going on guys. What's happening?
Jim: Binghamton branch closed last night and their clients are up for grabs.
Andy: That was a fine branch. Things are really bad under Robert California, I guess. It's like a festival of poo.
Jim: Hey, hey, come on, language.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, and we're not interested in your sour grapes, okay? Jim, tell him where he can stick his grapes.
Jim: In the fridge.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, Jim, the butt. In his butt.
Jim: Sorry, man, I can't focus on zingers. There's too many potential clients.

Quote from Robert

Nellie: I got your voicemail. From- From last night.
Robert: Wonderful.
Nellie: And the answer... is yes, yes, yes, yes, and never. [leaves]
Robert: Pam, when's the last time you lived so intensely that your brain literally couldn't hold the memories in?
Pam: Oh, it was this summer–
Robert: Apparently, I left a phone message for Nellie last night, and I need you to find out what I said.
Pam: Um, I am a little busy.
Robert: Yes. Of course. Why don't you list the things that would keep you from helping me.
Pam: Yeah, I can make you a list.
Robert: Let's do it now. What's number one?
Pam: Why don't I help you now?
Robert: There we go.

Quote from Andy

Robert: Where's the Advil, Jim? I think I've hit my limit on the Tylenol.
Andy: [doing dishes] Sorry, not Jim.
Robert: Andrew, what do we have to do to get rid of you? Hire you back and send Erin back to Florida?
Andy: Message received loud and clear. Just have to get the caramelized sugar off the pan before it dries.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Come on, let's go! Does this thing have turbo? Nitrous? Hit the nos.
Jim: Nos? You mean like in "Fast and Furious"?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah.
Jim: Oh, yeah, definitely have nos.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hit the nos.
Jim: Are you sure?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Jim: Brace yourself. Three, two...
Dwight K. Schrute: Got it. Go.
Jim: One. Here we go!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hello. Andy Bernard to see the C.E.O.
Receptionist: Oh, do you have an appointment?
Andy: No, I do not.
Receptionist: Okay, I think I can squeeze you in.
Andy: Seriously? ‘Cause I could just be anyone. I mean, I thought I was gonna have to convince you.
Receptionist: He's really not that busy.

Quote from Angela

Pam: So, what do you make of this Robert California guy? I mean, what does a guy like that do on an average weeknight?
Nellie: Oh. Oh, I'll tell you what he does.
Angela: [walks in] Hello! Hello, my clucking hens. Got room for another in the roost? Huh? Don't worry, I won't lay an egg.
[aside to camera:]
Angela: Robert sent me to take over if Pam fails. If? [laughs]
[back:]
Angela: I have been crunching numbers all day. Math is for boys. I need girl talk.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Harry: Give me a cup of coffee.
Dwight K. Schrute: Me too. Or do you also have a monopoly on thirst?
Jim: All right, guys. It didn't work out for any of us, so... we're still on the same team. Let me get these.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. Let him get his own. It's Syracuse money.
Harry: You know, your partner's got a lotta attitude. But I like that. How long you guys been dating?
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim couldn't land me in a thousand years.
Jim: But you're saying there's a chance.
Dwight K. Schrute: Shut up.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I stole Nellie's phone.
Robert: Excellent. Excellent. Though troubling that your first instinct is thievery.
Pam: What do you want from me?

Quote from Andy

David: Andy Bernard.
Andy: You got a minute?
David: Um, I'm in the middle of a piano lesson.
Andy: I wanted to see if I could interest you in an investment. Dunder Mifflin.
David: Dunder Mifflin. [closes door] Now, why would I want that? It's worth half of what it was three years ago.
Andy: Exactly. And you know better than anyone that with the right management it could be worth twice what you would pay for it today.
David: Why don't you come in?

Quote from Toby

Harry: They're New York. We're New York. Sate line is the dividing line. That's the way it's always been.
Jim: There's actually not a rule that says that.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's true.
Toby: That's true. There's no rule. You can check the employee handbook.
Harry: Oh, can I check the employee handbook, Lloyd? Well, does it say anything about me choking a man with my bare hands?
Toby: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, no? Are you kidding me? You told me there was a rule. I could've choked so many people by now.
Harry: Stay out of my state. It's in your best interest to stay out of my state.
Toby: I've seen guys like you. Big guys who like to push the little guys around. Lloyd Gross eats bullies like you for breakfast.
Harry: Just stay out of New York, Lloyd.
Toby: Hey, text from the old wife. Gonna take that. [walks out]

Quote from Jim

Jim: I don't know. I've always wanted to own a bike shop, but what about you?
Harry: I'd like to sell one big thing, you know? Like... a plane. One sale, I'm out.
Jim: That sounds lovely.
Harry: Anyway, Robert's gonna run this company into the ground, so... We won't be doing this in six months.


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