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41Quotes from ‘Night Out’

The Office: Night Out

415. Night Out

Aired April 24, 2008

As Michael and Dwight visit New York to spend an evening clubbing with Ryan, Jim and the rest of the Scranton branch work late.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I've never met anybody who does that. You wash dogs? Very cool.
Woman: That's one aspect of small pet grooming.What do you do?
Michael Scott: I am a bank teller.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Ryan told me to always tell a woman you work in finance.

Quote from Ryan

Phyllis: Did the police solve the problem with the-
Ryan: Yes. Yes, they did. Yes, they did.
[to camera:]
Ryan: Yes, the social networking feature of the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website was infiltrated by sexual predators.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please? I know that a lot of you are very angry with Ryan because he's the reason we've to come in tomorrow. However, I swear to God, if any of you hurts him in any way, emotionally, or taunts him or makes fun of his height or his half-beard-
Ryan: Okay. Thanks, Michael.

Quote from Creed

Dwight K. Schrute: I don't understand why our website needs to have social networking at all.
Jim: Yeah, I actually have to agree with Dwight on that one.
Ryan: It's all about creating a one-stop consumer experience. All right? You're chatting with your friends, you're talking about the latest music, about the election. All of it is happening in our virtual paper store.
Jim: And then an older gentleman asks you, "boxers or briefs?"
Creed: I don't get the big fuss here. I like the site.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Did you not tell the security guard we were working late?
Jim: Nope. I didn't. But let's go inside and I can call him right now.
Pam: We can't. I locked the office from the inside when we left.
Stanley: Perfect. You guys worked together on this one. If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in one hour, you're both dead.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Ryan: Guys, I want you to meet a really good friend of mine. This is Troy.
Michael Scott: Hey. Nice to meet you.
Troy: Hey. How're you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: Hi. Dwight. You resemble the Tolkien character.
Ryan: He basically is, man. He's a regular banking wizard.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, not a wizard. A hobbit.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Ryan? We're gonna take your clothes off.
Ryan: No! Guys I think my friend Troy might have a drug problem. What do I do?
Dwight K. Schrute: I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours.
Michael Scott: Shh. Just stop. Here's what you do. You tell him that you're his friend, and that you're going to help him, and that everything's gonna be all right. And then you put a wire on him and you find out who's selling him drugs. And then you get that guy and you flip him. You turn him into a snitch. You follow that guy to the people really, really bad. I've been watching The Wire recently. I don't understand a word of it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: What's wrong, Michael?
Michael Scott: I got gum in my hair.
Pam: You do.
Michael Scott: This just stinks. Don't touch it. Please, don't touch it!
Dwight K. Schrute: You got a ton of dandruff.
Michael Scott: Okay, let me be.
Jim: How'd you get gum in your hair?
Michael Scott: I was walking in and I noticed something shiny under Stanley's car. And I got under to see what it was and I messed up my hair. All for a stupid piece of tinfoil.
Jim: But, best-case scenario, you thought it was a quarter.
Michael Scott: Kill me, right now.
Jim: We have peanut butter in the kitchen.
Michael Scott: I don't feel like peanut butter. Get me an ice cream sandwich.
Jim: Nope, not for you, it's for your hair. And it is 9:00 AM.
Pam: Dwight, not the good peanut butter. People are gonna get mad.
Michael Scott: Hey, hey, hey. This is my hair we're talking about.
[later, in Michael's office, Dwight has thoroughly covered Michael's hair in peanut butter]
Michael Scott: Smells good.
Dwight K. Schrute: Taste good, too.
Michael Scott: Oh, don't, that's disgusting.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wow. Lot of calories.
Michael Scott: Well, just don't leave it on too long. Keep massaging, please. Oh. Yeah, that's nice.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I will be honest. The dating has not been going well. Look. Men are visual creatures. We crave beauty. Like a piece of fine art by any number of renowned artists. Or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude. That, but the women I'm getting fixed up with are- Not that they aren't nice or that have great personalities. They just- They just lack a certain Crawfordness.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: If I had created a website with this many problems, I'd kill myself.
Ryan: Do you have a question, Kelly?
Kelly: Yeah, I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [slow clapping] Ryan has done a very good job. And I'm not applauding sarcastically. Think about it. A month ago, nobody would go on this site because we were worried out getting molested or loosing our identity, having it stolen. But now, at a time T.D.B., all of these problems will be in the past. You done good, kid. You done good. [slow clapping, Dwight joins in]

Quote from Jim

Jim: You know what? If we stay a couple of hours late tonight without Michael distracting us, we wouldn't have to come in all tomorrow.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: So I caught everyone before they left, and I told them my idea. And they loved it. Because this is a group that respects good ideas. The one time a year they hear one.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Do you live in a regular-sized house?
Ryan: Yeah, he's a normal guy. He's cool.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Ryan: Dwight Schrute, man. How's Schrute farms?
Dwight K. Schrute: Good.
Ryan: This guy owns his own beet farm.
Troy: Insane!
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, it's weevil season, but we were prepared.
Ryan: "Weevils" What a crazy word, man. I don't even know what that means? What does that mean?
Dwight K. Schrute: They lay their eggs inside the unripe beetroot, then, come springtime, the babies eat their way out.
Ryan: Crazy!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Ryan: That's too much for me, man. I'm gonna head to the bathroom.
Dwight K. Schrute: You've already been several times.
Ryan: Yeah?
Dwight K. Schrute: Maybe you have some kind of bladder infection.
Ryan: I don't know. Maybe.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll order you some cranberry juice.
Ryan: With vodka. You're the best!
Dwight K. Schrute: [to Troy] Do you have powers?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I thought about getting a tattoo on my back as well, at one point. I was thinking about getting Back to the Future. "Back" because it's on my back. And "future" because I'm the kind of guy who likes to look ahead into the future. I just think a tattoo should mean something. You know? And it's my second-favorite movie.
Young woman: I've never heard of that movie.
Michael Scott: Back to the Future?! Oh. Wow. Well, you should take a film education course.
Young woman: How old are you?
Michael Scott: 40... I'm in my 40s.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Hey, man. Do you ever think there's gonna be this massive nuclear holocaust? And after all the major nations are destroyed, there'll just be tribes in the jungles that rise up and survive? That jungle warfare is gonna rule the world?
Michael Scott: Yeah, maybe.
Ryan: It's inevitable, right?

Quote from Toby

Pam: Actually, it's kind of too bad we're not coming into work tomorrow.
Jim: Why?
Pam: I bet Michael had some elaborate theme party planned, like scrambled egg Saturday.
Toby: More like, "Hey, everyone, let's get your boss laid" Saturday.
[Toby strokes Pam's knee with his hand]
Toby: I have an announcement to make. I am moving to Costa Rica. Thought about it for a long time now. And I'm finally gonna do it. So... I'm just gonna hop the the fence and jog home.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Cleaning people. Oscar? Okay, so all you need to do is explain what happened 'cause I think they can help us.
Oscar: Why are you assuming they only speak Spanish?
Jim: I just- If they speak Spanish.
Oscar: Good evening. We locked ourselves in. [speaking in Spanish] Okay? It happens they speak Spanish.
Jim: Lucky us.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Like I said, it's not about the horniness. It's about the loneliness. And how can I be alone here with my boys? Like a famous person once said, "boys on the side." But I don't- I disagree. I say, let's hear it for the boys.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Yes, I'm having the Scranton branch come in on one saturday so they can reenter sales that they made on the phone, as sales made by the website, which they should've done in the first place If the website had been working.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: My favorite branch. How's everybody doin'?

Quote from Ryan

Jim: Hey, man, you mind if I run something by you?
Ryan: Love it! Go.
Jim: Well, I kind of feel like what we had going for us is our customer service. And no matter how much we change this up, I don't know that a website's gonna be able to replace that.
Ryan: I can tell you've thought about this. I appreciate that.
Jim: Thanks.
Ryan: David Wallace does too. You told him all about this at the Christmas party, right?
Jim: I- I don't-
Ryan: You did, yeah. Watch your back, Jim. I'm just kidding.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Ryan: I'm here today to do some creative problem solving about Dunder-Mifflin Infiny and fill in your questions.
Dwight K. Schrute: Question.
Ryan: Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: Why am I being forced come in tomorrow and pretend a website made sales that I made?
Ryan: This is a temporary measure to increase the legitimacy of the site.

Quote from Ryan

Stanley: I don't like when my clients call me to help them use the website. I'm not seeing commissions on that.
Ryan: I hear you, Stanley. That is a great observation. Problems like that will not happen when we'll launch Dunder-Mifflin Infiny 2.0.
Stanley: When will that be?
Ryan: TBD.

Quote from Ryan

Michael Scott: Well, it has been nice seeing you again, my friend.
Ryan: You too.
Michael Scott: Oh, Ryan, I need a girlfriend so bad.
Ryan: Michael, let me go. Let me go, Michael.
Michael Scott: All right. Do you know any girls in New-York you might wanna hook me up with that might be interested in a guy like me?
Ryan: Nah.
Michael Scott: Nah.
Ryan: Sorry, man.
Michael Scott: Well, you tried.
Ryan: But, seriously, you should see the girls I meet at clubs in the city. Unreal.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Would you have sex with Meredith?
Jim: What?
Michael Scott: Do you think she'd keep it quiet?
Jim: I'm gonna go to my desk.
Michael Scott: Jim, it's not the horniness, okay? It's the loneliness. That's-
Jim: I know.

Quote from Andy

Michael Scott: Okay, Dwight, grab your stuff. We're going to New-York, to party with Ryan and to meet girls.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah!
Andy: Oh, yes. Count me in, dudes. I am in serious need of some bro'time. Old ball and chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately, if you know what I'm saying.
Angela: I'm right here.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, singles only. Singles only. Also three is unlucky. Curse of three.
Michael Scott: Sorry, Andy. Cannot take any chances on curses. Let's go.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Everybody, I will see you tomorrow, Saturday morning. Probably wearing the same clothes that I'm wearing right now. If you catch my drift.
Angela: We get it.
Michael Scott: I am going to go get laid. Good-bye!
Dwight K. Schrute: With sex!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: This place is packed!
Dwight K. Schrute: Fire hazard.
Michael Scott: Packed with beautiful babies! Swingers. Classic. Jon Favreau, tall guy from Dodgeball.
Dwight K. Schrute: Women look like white slaves.
Michael Scott: No, they're just hot. Hotties.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: I don't know. When you think about it, Cabo is really the third world. I don't go to a place like that to see more poverty, you know? You go there to get some glamour-
Michael Scott: Hey.
Ryan: Michael. What are you doin' here?
Michael Scott: Well, you know, just taking you up on your offer to party so-
Ryan: That is so awesome, man! All right! And you brought this guy!
Michael Scott: Yeah! Ryan, it's Michael and Dwight.
Ryan: I know it's you guys! I'm so psyched you're here. Whoo!

Quote from Michael Scott

Ryan: Bottle service ya'll?
Michael Scott: Okay. All I know is I would like some chicken fingers and a Midori Sour.
Waitress: We don't serve food here.
Michael Scott: Okay. Then just bring me two cups, one with olives, and another one filled with maraschino cherries.

Quote from Jim

Jim: You really don't have his number?
Pam: I told you I have the number that rings here. Do you want that number?
Toby: I might have it in here.
Pam: Wow, that's great, Toby. It's so random that I have it. Toby, you're the best!
Toby: When I put it in, I thought it might be a waste of time but I guess it was worth it.
Jim: Great. It's under here as "security guard - home". Did you not get his name?
Toby: No.
Jim: It's ringing. Anybody have his name, quick?
Andy: Yeah. It's Eddie.
Jim: It's not- It's not Eddie. It's Evan or..
Creed: Hank. His name is Hank.
Jim: No, guys, his name is not Hank, it's- Is it Edgar?
Phyllis: Elliot.
Oscar: Elliot!
Jim: Is it Elliot? ... [on the phone] Hey Chief. This is Jim Halpert from where you work. You are the guy who sits behind the desk. You're the the African-American guy. I mean, you're... Who have I got here?

Quote from Jim

Jim: [on the phone] Oh, thank you, Hank.You are a life saver, Hank. Appreciate it. [to everyone else] All right, so Hank is gonna come down here. He's gonna let us all out. He said it should be just under an hour, so... We did it.
Oscar: We should all make sure to give him a big tip this Christmas.
Toby: Sorry, guys, but I don't think I tipped him for last year's.
Angela: Neither did I.
Phyllis: Jim was supposed to collect it.
Jim: Yep.
Kevin: Way to go, man.
Kelly: Now he's never gonna come.

Quote from Andy

Andy: By show of hands, who thinks we're a better couple than Jim and Pam?
Pam: Phyllis!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Wait a minute. What is this? I didn't order this.
Bartender: It's for you. From them.
[Dwight pours the drink away]
Troy: What are you doing, man?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's not safe. Anything could have been in there. Nice try!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: She washes dogs!
Ryan: You're doing it, man.
Michael Scott: I know! I don't wanna get ahead of myself, but I think I want her to meet my mom.

Quote from Jim

Jim: [to himself] Please don't pick up. Please don't pick up.
Hank: [answering the phone] Hello?
Jim: Hank. Is that you?
Hank: Yeah.
Jim: Still haven't left the house yet, huh?
Hank: I'm getting ready to leave.
Jim: Good. Please hurry.
Hank: Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks.
Jim: Will do. I'll stop calling.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [on the phone] I am. I am getting out there. Well, no, I've asked a lot of girls to dance, mom. They're just- It's not- Listen to me for a second. Yes, I shaved the back of my neck. Oh, my god. Mom, I gotta go.
One of my friends is getting beaten up by some girls!

Quote from Michael Scott

Ryan: One of you can have the sofa, and one of you can have the floor.
Dwight K. Schrute: I got sofa. I got sofa.
Michael Scott: Dwight, I'm the boss.
Dwight K. Schrute: I got floor!
Michael Scott: In case anybody needs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don't wanna get my head stepped on.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [to Ryan] Do you want me to sing you a song my mother used to sing me when we were sick?
Ryan: No.
[Dwight starts singing in German]
Michael Scott: Leave him alone.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a lullaby.


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