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‘The Chump’ Quotes

The Office: The Chump

625. The Chump

Aired May 13, 2010

Michael's employees do not approve of his relationship with a married woman. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam struggle to stay awake at work after a sleepless night with the baby, and Dwight and Angela seek mediation over their child-rearing contract.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: And if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
All: No. No.
Jim: That's... not okay.
Michael Scott: Okay, alright.
Dwight K. Schrute: You were being really funny, and then you went too far.
Michael Scott: I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.

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Quote from Meredith

Meredith: That is something I would never do.
Michael Scott: Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith.
Meredith: Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with.
[aside to camera:]
Meredith: I ask everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?"

Quote from Pam

Erin: We have Mr. Bean playing in the conference room and the Pink Panther movie in his office. With half hour shifts to watch it with him.
Pam: And we need bodies in both these rooms, people. So please sign up.
Erin: He's coming.
Pam: Oh, okay. Everyone, remember, when he get's like this, he will wallow if you empathize. Keep conversations light and if you get stuck, and you don't know what to do, make a random sound effect. Okay, farting noise, whatever. Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Toby: This here is a radon test kit. Okay, I will be putting 'em everywhere. And please don't throw these out. This is a radon test kit. Please don't throw these out. See them all over the office.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere, like he owns the place. The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap. But I figured I'd rather live with ants than with his creepy little disc. The second time, I thought it was one of those, you know, those things you turn over and it moos. Like a cow thing. But upon closer examination, it was another ant trap, so I threw it away. And the third time, I, uh, did it out of spite.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: You want some ice cream?
Michael Scott: Oh! Oh wow, are those Eagles' flavors? "Cake it to the Limit". That's my favorite.

Quote from Andy

Andy: My name is Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. I've lived the part. And let me tell you, I'd so much rather play the part on stage.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he's making me do to her.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Mediator: Finally there's a provision here in the occurrence that the child is born an old man, a la Benjamin Button.
Angela: Same page. Go to the next one.
Dwight K. Schrute: Same page. Just keep moving.
Mediator: Despite the provision covering whether this is all part of the matrix-
Dwight K. Schrute: Which we can't know.
Mediator: This is essentially-
Dwight K. Schrute: Unless we're unplugged.
Mediator: -equivalent to a donor or surrogate contractor.
Dwight K. Schrute: And wake up in the future.
Mediator: Which is actually pretty common. So I have to tell you that this is a solid contract.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Mediator: Look, I can't enforce that anybody have a child with anyone else.
Angela: What?
Mediator: So essentially, this comes down to damages. Now, there is some precedence for the range of $30,000.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't have $30,000 lying around. I have it buried very deeply, and I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Pfffffttt.
Toby: Come on, Michael. You're interrupting.
Michael Scott: You're kidding me? God! You say radon is silent, but deadly, and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay geniuses, how would you do it?
Creed: Curve the bullet. Like in my favorite James McAvoy film, Wanted.
Oscar: All that does is help you shoot around things. What does Bin Laden-
Ryan: Is there a curtain rod in the room?
Michael Scott: I don't know.
Stanley: How about make-believe land has anything you want?
Jim: Stanley, please, this is serious!
Angela: Is this the thing where they use an icicle so there's no evidence?
Michael Scott: Yes, we stab Toby through the heart with an icicle.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. Here's how you do it: You line them all up, you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat at the same time. Watch this. Phyllis, you're Hitler. Come up here. Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up, throats together.
Toby: I don't wanna do this.
Michael Scott: [shouting] Toby, just do it! God!
Dwight K. Schrute: Toby, come on. Ready, one bullet. And boom!
Jim: Yeah, that works.

Quote from Erin

Pam: What flavors did you get?
Erin: It's so exciting, Pam. The Eagles are doing a theme of ice creams in honor of turning 60.
Pam: "Despera-dough". "Witchy-womanilla". Why do they do this?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Mediator: I don't follow this exactly. Uh, "The Descendants of any replicants from this union shall have..."
Dwight and Angela: Joint custody
Mediator: Are we talking about your grandchildren?
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
[aside to camera:]
Angela: Rather than spend all day in court, we've decided to settle our dispute using a mediator. It was an option spelled out in our child-rearing contract.
Dwight K. Schrute: Alleged contract.
Angela: Alleged? I'm going to own your farm by the time this is over.
Dwight K. Schrute: Just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you. Gyah! [pretends to karate chop her neck] See, don't even need to make contact. The law will do it.

Quote from Jim

Andy: No secret crying. Hasn't even opened the tissue box in there.
Pam: Could he still be seeing her?
Phyllis: I don't think he'd do that.
Jim: So we're gonna say the most likely scenario is that Michael matured overnight?
Andy: Well, it happened to Tom Hanks in Big.
Jim: Exactly. It happened in Big.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: $30,000? There's gotta be another way.
Angela: He has a 60-acre beet farm that is worth a small fortune.
Dwight K. Schrute: Look, I will not pay.
Angela: Well, I have an alternative. [hands Dwight a document]
Dwight K. Schrute: "Intercourse to completion, five individual times rendered at my discretion?"
Mediator: Look, I don't think that's actually legal.
Dwight K. Schrute: Agreed. [shakes hands with Angela]
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. Better than most horses.

Quote from Angela

Dwight K. Schrute: But not in your bed. It's lumpy.
Angela: Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names, and those names are Ember, Milky Way, Diane, and Lumpy.
Dwight K. Schrute: Fine. Five times.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, that was not at all what I expected. Hoo hoo, whoo. My heart's still racing. I just looked a man in the eyes and I shook his hand. All the time I was thinking, "I'm sleeping with your wife." And you know who does that? James freakin' Bond.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: You know what? I think you're attractive, and I wanna sleep with you.
Erin: What about Kelly?
Ryan: You read my mind.
Erin: [quietly] Is this a joke?
Ryan: Yep.
[returning to Michael in the kitchen:]
Ryan: It's hard to live that way man. You gotta really not care what people think about you. I- I don't know how you do it, Michael. I-I- I can't be that cold.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Probably shouldn't tell you this, but a lotta guys in the warehouse work multiple jobs, so... we have a place.
Jim: A place?
Darryl: A restful location. Talk to Glen. He'll take you up in the lift.
Pam: You sleep in the warehouse?
Darryl: Light bulb's burnt out, so it's dark. And the heat from the backup generator keeps it nice and warm. Sometimes I think about it when I'm trying to fall asleep at home. But as far as the rest of the office goes, it doesn't exist, okay?


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