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43Quotes from ‘The Chump’

The Office: The Chump

625. The Chump

Aired May 13, 2010

Michael's employees do not approve of his relationship with a married woman. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam struggle to stay awake at work after a sleepless night with the baby, and Dwight and Angela seek mediation over their child-rearing contract.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: And if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
All: No. No.
Jim: That's... not okay.
Michael Scott: Okay, alright.
Dwight K. Schrute: You were being really funny, and then you went too far.
Michael Scott: I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: That is something I would never do.
Michael Scott: Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith.
Meredith: Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with.
[aside to camera:]
Meredith: I ask everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?"

Quote from Pam

Erin: We have Mr. Bean playing in the conference room and the Pink Panther movie in his office. With half hour shifts to watch it with him.
Pam: And we need bodies in both these rooms, people. So please sign up.
Erin: He's coming.
Pam: Oh, okay. Everyone, remember, when he get's like this, he will wallow if you empathize. Keep conversations light and if you get stuck, and you don't know what to do, make a random sound effect. Okay, farting noise, whatever. Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Toby: This here is a radon test kit. Okay, I will be putting 'em everywhere. And please don't throw these out. This is a radon test kit. Please don't throw these out. See them all over the office.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere, like he owns the place. The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap. But I figured I'd rather live with ants than with his creepy little disc. The second time, I thought it was one of those, you know, those things you turn over and it moos. Like a cow thing. But upon closer examination, it was another ant trap, so I threw it away. And the third time, I, uh, did it out of spite.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: You want some ice cream?
Michael Scott: Oh! Oh wow, are those Eagles' flavors? "Cake it to the Limit". That's my favorite.

Quote from Andy

Andy: My name is Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. I've lived the part. And let me tell you, I'd so much rather play the part on stage.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he's making me do to her.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Mediator: Finally there's a provision here in the occurrence that the child is born an old man, a la Benjamin Button.
Angela: Same page. Go to the next one.
Dwight K. Schrute: Same page. Just keep moving.
Mediator: Despite the provision covering whether this is all part of the matrix-
Dwight K. Schrute: Which we can't know.
Mediator: This is essentially-
Dwight K. Schrute: Unless we're unplugged.
Mediator: -equivalent to a donor or surrogate contractor.
Dwight K. Schrute: And wake up in the future.
Mediator: Which is actually pretty common. So I have to tell you that this is a solid contract.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Mediator: Look, I can't enforce that anybody have a child with anyone else.
Angela: What?
Mediator: So essentially, this comes down to damages. Now, there is some precedence for the range of $30,000.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't have $30,000 lying around. I have it buried very deeply, and I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Pfffffttt.
Toby: Come on, Michael. You're interrupting.
Michael Scott: You're kidding me? God! You say radon is silent, but deadly, and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay geniuses, how would you do it?
Creed: Curve the bullet. Like in my favorite James McAvoy film, Wanted.
Oscar: All that does is help you shoot around things. What does Bin Laden-
Ryan: Is there a curtain rod in the room?
Michael Scott: I don't know.
Stanley: How about make-believe land has anything you want?
Jim: Stanley, please, this is serious!
Angela: Is this the thing where they use an icicle so there's no evidence?
Michael Scott: Yes, we stab Toby through the heart with an icicle.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. Here's how you do it: You line them all up, you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat at the same time. Watch this. Phyllis, you're Hitler. Come up here. Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up, throats together.
Toby: I don't wanna do this.
Michael Scott: [shouting] Toby, just do it! God!
Dwight K. Schrute: Toby, come on. Ready, one bullet. And boom!
Jim: Yeah, that works.

Quote from Erin

Pam: What flavors did you get?
Erin: It's so exciting, Pam. The Eagles are doing a theme of ice creams in honor of turning 60.
Pam: "Despera-dough". "Witchy-womanilla". Why do they do this?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Mediator: I don't follow this exactly. Uh, "The Descendants of any replicants from this union shall have..."
Dwight and Angela: Joint custody
Mediator: Are we talking about your grandchildren?
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
[aside to camera:]
Angela: Rather than spend all day in court, we've decided to settle our dispute using a mediator. It was an option spelled out in our child-rearing contract.
Dwight K. Schrute: Alleged contract.
Angela: Alleged? I'm going to own your farm by the time this is over.
Dwight K. Schrute: Just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you. Gyah! [pretends to karate chop her neck] See, don't even need to make contact. The law will do it.

Quote from Jim

Andy: No secret crying. Hasn't even opened the tissue box in there.
Pam: Could he still be seeing her?
Phyllis: I don't think he'd do that.
Jim: So we're gonna say the most likely scenario is that Michael matured overnight?
Andy: Well, it happened to Tom Hanks in Big.
Jim: Exactly. It happened in Big.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: $30,000? There's gotta be another way.
Angela: He has a 60-acre beet farm that is worth a small fortune.
Dwight K. Schrute: Look, I will not pay.
Angela: Well, I have an alternative. [hands Dwight a document]
Dwight K. Schrute: "Intercourse to completion, five individual times rendered at my discretion?"
Mediator: Look, I don't think that's actually legal.
Dwight K. Schrute: Agreed. [shakes hands with Angela]
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. Better than most horses.

Quote from Angela

Dwight K. Schrute: But not in your bed. It's lumpy.
Angela: Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names, and those names are Ember, Milky Way, Diane, and Lumpy.
Dwight K. Schrute: Fine. Five times.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, that was not at all what I expected. Hoo hoo, whoo. My heart's still racing. I just looked a man in the eyes and I shook his hand. All the time I was thinking, "I'm sleeping with your wife." And you know who does that? James freakin' Bond.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: You know what? I think you're attractive, and I wanna sleep with you.
Erin: What about Kelly?
Ryan: You read my mind.
Erin: [quietly] Is this a joke?
Ryan: Yep.
[returning to Michael in the kitchen:]
Ryan: It's hard to live that way man. You gotta really not care what people think about you. I- I don't know how you do it, Michael. I-I- I can't be that cold.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Probably shouldn't tell you this, but a lotta guys in the warehouse work multiple jobs, so... we have a place.
Jim: A place?
Darryl: A restful location. Talk to Glen. He'll take you up in the lift.
Pam: You sleep in the warehouse?
Darryl: Light bulb's burnt out, so it's dark. And the heat from the backup generator keeps it nice and warm. Sometimes I think about it when I'm trying to fall asleep at home. But as far as the rest of the office goes, it doesn't exist, okay?

Quote from Erin

Erin: This is all for Michael. It turns out his girlfriend was married.
Pam: Yeah, and when Michael gets a broken heart, this whole place comes to a halt, so we're just trying to get out in front of this.
Erin: After his last breakup, he ate 40,000 calories in three hours. Right, Pam? That's what Pam told me.
Pam: [yawns] Yeah. Or no. Well, I don't know. I'm sorry. I was up all night with Cece, otherwise I'd be running this.
Erin: That's okay. You probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late, though.

Quote from Angela

Dwight K. Schrute: So much of this is just impossible to verify. Item five, point B, uh, the beet juice cleanse?
Angela: I'm doing it. You know I am. It's disgusting.
Dwight K. Schrute: How do we know this? I'd like to see a stool sample.
Angela: Dwight, look at my teeth. [Angela's teeth are all stained red]
Dwight K. Schrute: Eugh.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Hey, Michael.
Michael Scott: Hey.
Pam: We were wondering if you would like to have dinner with us tonight, in our home, and play with our baby.
Jim: We can order in from Hooters.
Michael Scott: Oh, Hooters to go. Nice.
Pam: We can watch a movie and play Rock Band.
Jim: Billy Joel Rock Band.
Michael Scott: That... exists?
Pam: Yes.
Michael Scott: Okay, well, I'll have to take a rain check, but thanks for the offer.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: [shouts] Michael Scott, are you still seeing Donna?
Michael Scott: Okay, Pam, she's not invisible so stop asking silly questions.
Phyllis: Oh, Michael.
Michael Scott: Since when is this an office where we delve into each other's personal lives?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband... or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: People, this is Scranton. And many people consider that to be the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania. And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers.
Kelly: Eugh, Ryan, I do not want you hanging around Michael anymore.
Ryan: Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I will have you know that I asked Donna about this and she is fine with it. And just to be sure, I asked her again afterward. Same answer.
Andy: How does he feel about it?
Michael Scott: He is never gonna find out. He is a high school baseball coach. He wakes up early. He goes to bed early. Look at how long it took for him to find out. [points to Andy] It was right under his nose. I had to tell him.
Jim: Now you're just being hurtful.
Michael Scott: I'm sorry, it- Why is it okay for Stanley to cheat or for Phyllis to cheat...
Phyllis: Hey!
Michael Scott: On her diet! He's a sports guy. He's scummy. Dogfighting. Drugs. They spit.
Andy: Did Donna tell you that?
Michael Scott: Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel.

Quote from Michael Scott

Andy: So you're just making a giant assumption. You don't even know the guy.
Michael Scott: You know what? You know what? I am declaring a moment of silence right now. Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. Just sit there and think about Michael Jackson.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Do you think this husband is a super sweet nice guy? Do you think he's an angel? I don't think so. Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? There has to be a problem with him.
Andy: In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. You're Ali Larter, I'm Beyonce.
Michael Scott: I am Beyonce always.
Andy: Not this time.
Michael Scott: Yes, I am.

Quote from Andy

Michael Scott: That's him. That's him.
Andy: Where?
Michael Scott: Right there. The coach.
Andy: Stage right or stage left? I played bat boy in Damn Yankees.

Quote from Jim

Pam: You were supposed to be the lookout.
Jim: Yeah, well it's really warm in here. It's like a sleeping bag.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: I don't wanna be the heavy here, but honestly, guys, this makes us all look bad.
Jim: Sorry about that.
Pam: So embarrassing.
Gabe: Good. Okay. End of the dressing down. I just hate that part of the job, you know, the power dynamics.
Jim: Well, you were surprisingly restrained.
Pam: We will be well-rested tomorrow.
Gabe: Okay. That's great, actually, because I wanted to talk to you about something else.
Jim: Excellent. Go for it.
Gabe: I'm sure you got my email about the printer fires. The one with the branching decision tree? I actually designed that chart. Kinda hoping it catches on. [Jim and Pam start to fall asleep again] Anyway, the question is, what is the best way to disseminate important information in an efficient way?
Jim: Right? So, uh, let's uh...

Quote from Andy

Andy: Chase Dixon is up. Could be a big play.
Michael Scott: You have no idea what you're talking about.
Andy: I know it's like cricket.
Michael Scott: You don't. No, no.
Andy: And it's- There's- Well, home plate is like a wicket.

Quote from Angela

Mediator: Look, I can't legally watch this unfold. It's coming a little dangerously close to prostitution.
Angela: I want eye contact.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Angela: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you understand how rare is that in nature?
Angela: I'm not some farm animal.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Shane. Great game man!
Shane: Do I know you?
Andy: No. Uh, just big fans. Both of us.
Shane: Are you somebody's parents? Oh, are you guys Kenny's dads?
Andy: Ha. No, no. But we're gay for baseball. [chuckles]
Shane: Okay.
Andy: But I have a wife, actually, who I really love a lot.
Shane: Okay. Let's go!
Andy: Yeah. I am so into the institution of marriage. I mean, isn't marriage the best, you know? Two good people finding each other, getting all committed to each other. So you love baseball. What else do you love? Let's round you out as a person.
Shane: Hey, I'm really sorry, I'm just trying to focus here on the game.
Andy: I get it, man. I love it. That's what makes you a good coach. You know, but as a fan, it just helps me enjoy the game better if I know the coach loves his wife.
Shane: Of course. Okay? I gotta get back to this.
Andy: Of course.
Shane: All right.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: How can you live with yourself?
Michael Scott: I am what I am, Oscar. And I want what I want. And right now, I want a piece of cake. From now on, when I'm hungry, I am going to eat whatever I am hungry for.
Kevin: That is a dangerous game, friendo.

Quote from Ryan

Kelly: Well, because I thought that it was a book about Anthropology the store.
Ryan: I don't know why you were in that part of the bookstore.
Kelly: 'Cause it's next to they baby section, okay?
Ryan: Alright, well, that makes more sense. You should have said that at the beginning when you said, "I read a book about anthropology."
Kelly: I don't really know why you're screaming at me right now.
Ryan: I'm not scream- I'm not screaming.

Quote from Ryan

Kelly: That's Meredith's cake. It's her birthday.
Michael Scott: I don't care. I have an appetite for life! [eats cake] Mmm. Mmm! Oh, god. That's Lemon.
Ryan: Good for you, man. Good for you.
[aside to camera:]
Ryan: He takes what he wants.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I am an honorable man, and I will honor the contract. But I don't have to give her the good stuff. Schrute sperm are strong, but they're no match for a grown Schrute man. Let's see what she gets. Aah!

Quote from Creed

Creed: Uh, boss, we're out of paper.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I noticed that.
Creed: Are you gonna add any more?
Michael Scott: Nope.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: He don't give an "F" about nothin'!

Quote from Pam

Pam: I don't think I'm gonna make it.
Jim: [yawning] What about an energy drink or something?
Pam: [shakes head] It gets in the breast milk. If I drink it, Cece drinks it six hours later.
Jim: Well, it doesn't mean I can't drink it.
Pam: Well, it does and it doesn't.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: All right, all right. You know what? I'm sick of this. I'm sick of the little disapproving head shakes. If you think that's going to have any effect on me, it will not. I am going to leave right now and go to a motel to meet Donna.
Kevin: Why not your condo?
Michael Scott: Because a motel is dirty and it is sexy. Like me. And like Donna. And frankly, the stuff that we're into isn't very condo-appropriate.
Stanley: Oh, Michael, will you drop it? Everybody's spoken their mind, and no one's changing their mind.
Michael Scott: Okay, Morgan Freeman-narrating-everything.
Andy: Do you want someone to stop you? 'Cause no one's going to.
Michael Scott: Nobody better try to stop me. Good.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? Good. Moral. I feel proud. Like a grownup. That was not easy because I really liked her a lot. And I'm a little bit emotional right now because I know that I absolutely made the right decision. At the end of the day, we have to do what's right. And it was either living with myself or... being happy. And I picked... the... former.

Quote from Michael Scott

Reporter: Michael Scott?
Michael Scott: Yes?
TV Reporter: Do you wanna make a comment on the rumors?
Michael Scott: [sighs] Umm. I have done some very bad things, things of which I am not proud. I would like to publicly apologize to... the coach and the players. And I vow to never listen to my bodily instincts ever again.
TV Reporter: I'm talking about the Sabre printers that catch on fire.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay. I was talking about- What do- What? What's going on?


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