Michael Scott: And if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
All: No. No.
Jim: That's... not okay.
Michael Scott: Okay, alright.
Dwight K. Schrute: You were being really funny, and then you went too far.
Michael Scott: I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.

Meredith: That is something I would never do.
Michael Scott: Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith.
Meredith: Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with.
[aside to camera:]
Meredith: I ask everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?"

Erin: We have Mr. Bean playing in the conference room and the Pink Panther movie in his office. With half hour shifts to watch it with him.
Pam: And we need bodies in both these rooms, people. So please sign up.
Erin: He's coming.
Pam: Oh, okay. Everyone, remember, when he get's like this, he will wallow if you empathize. Keep conversations light and if you get stuck, and you don't know what to do, make a random sound effect. Okay, farting noise, whatever. Okay.

Toby: This here is a radon test kit. Okay, I will be putting 'em everywhere. And please don't throw these out. This is a radon test kit. Please don't throw these out. See them all over the office.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere, like he owns the place. The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap. But I figured I'd rather live with ants than with his creepy little disc. The second time, I thought it was one of those, you know, those things you turn over and it moos. Like a cow thing. But upon closer examination, it was another ant trap, so I threw it away. And the third time, I, uh, did it out of spite.

Pam: You want some ice cream?
Michael Scott: Oh! Oh wow, are those Eagles' flavors? "Cake it to the Limit". That's my favorite.

Andy: My name is Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. I've lived the part. And let me tell you, I'd so much rather play the part on stage.

Michael Scott: I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he's making me do to her.

Mediator: Finally there's a provision here in the occurrence that the child is born an old man, a la Benjamin Button.
Angela: Same page. Go to the next one.
Dwight K. Schrute: Same page. Just keep moving.
Mediator: Despite the provision covering whether this is all part of the matrix-
Dwight K. Schrute: Which we can't know.
Mediator: This is essentially-
Dwight K. Schrute: Unless we're unplugged.
Mediator: -equivalent to a donor or surrogate contractor.
Dwight K. Schrute: And wake up in the future.
Mediator: Which is actually pretty common. So I have to tell you that this is a solid contract.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Mediator: Look, I can't enforce that anybody have a child with anyone else.
Angela: What?
Mediator: So essentially, this comes down to damages. Now, there is some precedence for the range of $30,000.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't have $30,000 lying around. I have it buried very deeply, and I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it.

Michael Scott: Pfffffttt.
Toby: Come on, Michael. You're interrupting.
Michael Scott: You're kidding me? God! You say radon is silent, but deadly, and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this?

Michael Scott: Okay geniuses, how would you do it?
Creed: Curve the bullet. Like in my favorite James McAvoy film, Wanted.
Oscar: All that does is help you shoot around things. What does Bin Laden-
Ryan: Is there a curtain rod in the room?
Michael Scott: I don't know.
Stanley: How about make-believe land has anything you want?
Jim: Stanley, please, this is serious!
Angela: Is this the thing where they use an icicle so there's no evidence?
Michael Scott: Yes, we stab Toby through the heart with an icicle.