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‘The Merger’ Quotes Page 1 of 6    

The Office: The Merger

308. The Merger

Aired November 16, 2006

As the Stamford branch is closed, Michael welcomes its former employees to the Scranton office. New employee Andy tries to ingratiate himself with Michael.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I am fast. To give you a reference point, I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: I don't know who these new people think they are. I've sat downwind of Phyllis' stinky perfumes for years. Never said a word.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford.
Jim: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Fact. I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me.
Jim: Okay, sounds good.
Dwight K. Schrute: What are you doing?
Jim: I don't know what you're talking about.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do I have a smudge on my forehead?
Jim: No, you look good.
Dwight K. Schrute: Why are you looking at my forehead?
Jim: I'm not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Meet my eye line, Jim!
Jim: I am.
Dwight K. Schrute: Stop acting like an idiot!
Jim: Okay.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead, like a ... carpenter that makes stairs.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: What is it?
Karen: I think I'm just allergic to your perfume.
Phyllis: My perfume?
Karen: It's just my crazy nose. I'm used to different smells.
Phyllis: Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine.
Karen: Who's Bob Vance?
Phyllis: You've a lot to learn about this town, sweetie.

Quote from Andy

Michael Scott: You must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome!
Andy: And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and hello.
Michael Scott: [laughs] Very good. Welcome to our little kingdom. We have a bag of nifty gifties for you.
Andy: Well, Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom. Mike. Nifty! They are nifty!
Michael Scott: They're nifty gifties.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: You know who I really like is this guy Andy Bernard. He has got this very likeable way about him.

Quote from Andy

Dwight K. Schrute: Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Andy: Andy Bernard, Regional Director in Charge of Sales.
[Dwight and Andy start shaking hands]
Dwight K. Schrute: So you'll be reporting to me, then.
Andy: On the contrary.
Dwight K. Schrute: My title has "manager" in it.
Andy: And I'm a director. Which, on a film set, is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?
Dwight K. Schrute: I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.
Andy: Congratulations.
[They're still shaking hands.]

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Jim!
Jim: Kelly!
Kelly: Oh, my God, I have so much to tell you!
Jim: Really?
Kelly: Yes. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, they had a baby and they named it Suri, and then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, they had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are amazing!
Jim: Great. What's new with you?
Kelly: I just told you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: See that? Mission accomplished. They're like a bunch of fourth graders. Sometimes what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. Although, that'll change! Because by the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most.

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