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55Quotes from ‘The Merger’

The Office: The Merger

308. The Merger

Aired November 16, 2006

As the Stamford branch is closed, Michael welcomes its former employees to the Scranton office. New employee Andy tries to ingratiate himself with Michael.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I am fast. To give you a reference point, I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: I don't know who these new people think they are. I've sat downwind of Phyllis' stinky perfumes for years. Never said a word.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford.
Jim: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Fact. I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me.
Jim: Okay, sounds good.
Dwight K. Schrute: What are you doing?
Jim: I don't know what you're talking about.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do I have a smudge on my forehead?
Jim: No, you look good.
Dwight K. Schrute: Why are you looking at my forehead?
Jim: I'm not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Meet my eye line, Jim!
Jim: I am.
Dwight K. Schrute: Stop acting like an idiot!
Jim: Okay.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead, like a ... carpenter that makes stairs.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: What is it?
Karen: I think I'm just allergic to your perfume.
Phyllis: My perfume?
Karen: It's just my crazy nose. I'm used to different smells.
Phyllis: Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine.
Karen: Who's Bob Vance?
Phyllis: You've a lot to learn about this town, sweetie.

Quote from Andy

Michael Scott: You must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome!
Andy: And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and hello.
Michael Scott: [laughs] Very good. Welcome to our little kingdom. We have a bag of nifty gifties for you.
Andy: Well, Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom. Mike. Nifty! They are nifty!
Michael Scott: They're nifty gifties.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: You know who I really like is this guy Andy Bernard. He has got this very likeable way about him.

Quote from Andy

Dwight K. Schrute: Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Andy: Andy Bernard, Regional Director in Charge of Sales.
[Dwight and Andy start shaking hands]
Dwight K. Schrute: So you'll be reporting to me, then.
Andy: On the contrary.
Dwight K. Schrute: My title has "manager" in it.
Andy: And I'm a director. Which, on a film set, is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?
Dwight K. Schrute: I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.
Andy: Congratulations.
[They're still shaking hands.]

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Jim!
Jim: Kelly!
Kelly: Oh, my God, I have so much to tell you!
Jim: Really?
Kelly: Yes. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, they had a baby and they named it Suri, and then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, they had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are amazing!
Jim: Great. What's new with you?
Kelly: I just told you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: See that? Mission accomplished. They're like a bunch of fourth graders. Sometimes what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. Although, that'll change! Because by the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Am I being mean to Dwight? I don't know. I did just make him run around the building, and I have no intention of timing him. This isn't even a stopwatch. It's a digital thermometer. He does make my life harder sometimes, and on purpose. Like, he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls as a way of bringing in more money for the company. [to Dwight] Hey, three more laps to go! You gotta pick it up if you're gonna beat Toby! I should probably get back to work.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: How'd the run go?
Toby: Pretty good. I finished.
Pam: That's great.
Dwight K. Schrute: Why is that great?
Pam: Because he accomplished something.
Dwight K. Schrute: What was your mile time?
Toby: About seven.
Dwight K. Schrute: I could beat that on a skateboard.
Toby: Well, that has wheels.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, well, my feet don't, and I can still crush that time.
Pam: Really, Dwight? How fast are you?
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's just put it this way. Last weekend, I outran a black pepper snake.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Hey, buddy. Welcome back.
Jim: Hey. How are you, man? Good to see you.
Ryan: I'm good. How are you? So...
Jim: Oh, I'm sorry, are you sitting here now?
Ryan: Yeah. Um... unless you really, really want it back.
Jim: You know, man, it's really your call.
Ryan: Cool, thank you. [sits down]
Jim: Let me get that for you.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Yeah, Jim is a nice guy. That's why I got the desk.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, who reports to who?
Michael Scott: I don't care, Dwight! You all report to me. That's all that matters! The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, okay?
Dwight K. Schrute: And then if I want-
Michael Scott: Work it out amongst yourselves, please! I have a company to run. Will you let me run the company?
Dwight K. Schrute: I- One-
Michael Scott: Will you? Please?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, everybody settled in? Good. Why don't we all proceed into the conference room, or should I say the banquet hall? For Drum roll, please. [making drum roll sound] The official Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast. Come on in! Don't be shy.
Meredith: Hey, champagne.
Michael Scott: No, no, guests only.
Kelly: Smoked salmon!
Michael Scott: No, for the guests it is, for you, consider it cow meat. Strictly taboo.
Kelly: I eat beef.
Michael Scott: Well, then, consider it poisoned beef. It's no touchee.
Kevin: The beef is poisoned?
Michael Scott: No, it's not beef!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Let's face it, moving to a new job can be very stressful, so I have made an orientation video especially for you newcomers. But it's not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen. It's funny.
It's got a little bit of a zing to it. And I hope that it gives you a flavor of what we're all about here at Dunder Mifflin, and what we're all about here in Scranton. So let's just all laugh together. And watch "Lazy Scranton".
Michael Scott: [on video, rapping] Sittin' in my office With a plate of grilled bacon Call my man Dwight Just to see what was shakin'! Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty So check out how we live In the Electric City! They call it Scranton! What? The Electric City! Scranton! What? The Electric City! Call Poison Control if you're bit by a spider! But check that it's covered By your healthcare provider! You like coalmines and you wanna see 'em? Well, check it out, yo the Anthracite Museum Plenty of space in the parkin' lot! But the little cars go in the compact spot! Spot! Spot! Spot!

Quote from Jim

Jim: It reminds me of the orientation video Michael showed on my first day, The Scranton Witch Project.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: People hate people that are different from them. That's natural. But you know what makes people forget their differences? A great show. That is why I created the integration celebration. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one, united in applause.

Quote from Angela

Hannah: Tony was right. This environment is dysfunctional.
Angela: Well, maybe that's because some people treat it like their own private Hooters strip club.
Michael Scott: Whoa, Angela, hold on. Hooters is a restaurant with over 400 locations worldwide.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Back to work. We don't have to get along. We just have to work together.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: The word "merger" comes from the word "marriage" and that was what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead, it has become like when my mom moved in with Jeff. And once again, it becomes my job to fix it.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: Hey, hey, everybody! Something happened! Those guys from Vance Refrigeration, they let the air out of our tires!
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: Yeah, they punk'd us, they punk'd us good! Come on! Come on!
Karen: Does Bob Vance work for Vance Refrigeration?
Jim: Does he ever.

Quote from Stanley

Martin: What is with this guy?
Stanley: Got an hour? I'll try to explain.

Quote from Phyllis

Stanley: Trust me, it only gets worse.
Martin: Is he always like this?
Ryan: Sometimes he brings more costumes.
Hannah: When do people work?
Phyllis: Oh, we find little times during the day.
Karen: How are we gonna get home?
Phyllis: Bob Vance has an air pump. He said he'd fill all our tires up.
Karen: Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: [on the phone] Did you fire Tony Gardner when he was trying to quit?
Michael Scott: I did. Major personnel crisis averted. Compliment accepted.
Jan: Do you realize, Michael, that we now have to pay him severance?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jan: You do?
Michael Scott: But do you realize that that was actually Dwight's idea? Bad advice from my number two.
Jan: What? No, no, no, Jim is your number two.
Michael Scott: What?
Jan: He is the only one who has worked with both groups. I sent you a memo about this.
Michael Scott: Yes, I know that, for I do read the memos.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So, after a great deal of thought and introspectivtion, I have decided to make Jim my new number two.
Dwight K. Schrute: If he even wants it. It doesn't come with a pay raise.
Jim: No, it does, actually.
Dwight K. Schrute: So who will be your new number three?
Michael Scott: That I have not decided yet.
Andy: Michael, I would just like to say that you have handled this entire situation with great aplomb.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Andy, that's very kind, thanks.
Dwight K. Schrute: And I have to say that your leadership has brought-
Michael Scott: Shut it. Shut it. That's- Suck-up.

Quote from Karen

Jim: [on the phone] Hey, where you at, Filippelli?
Karen: I'm at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.
Jim: What's wrong, you didn't have a good first day?
Karen: Oh, my God!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Yo, Tuna. I wanna talk to you about this new boss, Michael Scott.
Jim: Yeah?
Andy: So what's he like? Likes, dislikes, favorite sports, favorite movies, favorite men's magazines.
Jim: You know what? I think you just need to meet him.
Andy: Playing your cards close to the vest. I get it. Good luck over there, Tuna. Cross me and I will destroy you.
Jim: Sounds good, Andy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size. And that's all I'm gonna say about it, because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me, and I have to get into my head and focus.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Nametag?
Michael Scott: Yes, please.
Dwight K. Schrute: Karen Filippelli.
Michael Scott: Karen Filip... [In Italian voice] Ka-ren Fili-pell-li.
Dwight K. Schrute: Probably Italian. Possibly Filipino.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Who's next?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's Andy Bernard.
Michael Scott: Andy Bernard. St. Bernard.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Can I have your pencils?
Hannah: No.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Welcome, welcome, welcome! Take me to your leader. Oh, wait, I am your leader.
Karen: Wait, are you a robot or a Martian?
Michael Scott: Mmm. Ah. I am actually your boss, Michael Scott. Welcome. Wow, you are very exotic-looking. Was your dad a GI, or...

Quote from Jim

Jim: Hi, I'm Jim. I'm new here.
Pam: Oh, my God, it's really you!
Jim: I was just doing a little joke there about how we'd never met.
Pam: I know, I don't care.
Jim: Awesome! Good to be back. The place looks really good.
Pam: It's really good to see you.
Jim: You, too.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Where do I stand with Pam? No idea. I mean, we're friends. Always have been friends. That is where we stand.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: We need to talk.
Michael Scott: Not now.
Dwight K. Schrute: Which is higher, Assistant Regional Manager, or Regional Director in Charge of Sales?
Michael Scott: I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, so who gets paid more, me or Andy?
Michael Scott: It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different, okay?

Quote from Michael Scott

Toby: You might want these orientation materials.
Michael Scott: Wrong, Toby, this is an orientation, not a bore-ientation.

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: Okay, do not worry. All of your questions are about to be answered. Cell phones and pagers off, please.
Jim: Oh, this looks promising.
Pam: You won't be disappointed.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, so far, I think it is killing. I thought it would either be an A or an A-plus, but I completely forgot that there is an A-plus-plus.

Quote from Jim

Karen: What? This is Karen Filippelli, please leave a message.
Jim: Terrible. Totally unconvincing.
Karen: This is Karen Filippelli, please leave a message.
Jim: Not bad. But you are Italian, so try it more Italian.
Karen: This is Karen a-Filippelli, please leave-a me the message.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Am I trying to get under his skin? Yes. Because the angrier he gets, the more marginalized he becomes. Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is out there laying on the charm.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Why are the new people on the table? To show them that we are not above them.
Karen: Shouldn't we be equals?
Michael Scott: Not today, no.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You can't quit on the first day! That's heresy, my friend! Okay, let's talk about this. What happened? I mean, what- Was it Toby? Did he say something? 'Cause he's-
Tony: No, Toby was helpful. He was very kind. It's just your management style.
Michael Scott: My management style? So- Didn't you think Lazy Scranton was funny?
Tony: No. Was it supposed to be funny?
Michael Scott: Okay, well... Don't bother quitting, because you're fired.
Tony: Excuse me?
Michael Scott: You are fired! I'm sorry, but we don't have quitters on this team! Just clean out your desk!
Tony: But there's nothing in my desk except coupons.
Michael Scott: Don't try to apologize to me, man. It's too late! Just get out! Take your bad vibes with you!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: That was my advice. Remember, I'm the one who suggested that you fire him!
Michael Scott: Probably the best advice you ever gave me, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: And what advice has Andy given to you today that you have acted on? Would none be an accurate estimate? None advice? [whispering] Fire Andy. Fire Andy.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Dwight may have won the battle, but I will win the next battle.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: No, we do have to get along. Can't we all just get along? Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Man, they got us so bad. We cannot let them get away with this! We have got to pull together as one and steal their refrigerators!
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: Yeah?
Toby: I don't think we can do that.
Michael Scott: Go home, Toby.

Quote from Michael Scott

Martin: Hey. Why doesn't your car have a flat tire?
Michael Scott: Why? I will tell you why. Because they saved the worst for me! They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out, it's so hateful. "You guys suck! You can never pull together as one and revenge us! That is why you suck!"
Hannah: For crying out loud.
Michael Scott: No. No, no, no, no! No, you are falling for it! You are playing right into their hands. This is just what they want you to do! Don't, okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: This is egregious! This is egregious!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Saw your dork-mobile in the parking lot. What does it get, like, four miles to the gallon?
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, try double that. Classic Trans Am, vintage American muscle. Please.
Andy: Yeah, my Xterra is pretty sweet. Luxurious yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese.
Dwight K. Schrute: Xterra's not even a real word.
Andy: Actually, it is, it's Latin for "earth."
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, so you drive an X-earth? Yeah, that makes sense. I'd rather drive a classic Trans Am than an X-earth.
Andy: Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, by the way, 1985 called. It wants its car back.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, I hope 1985 has a time machine, 'cause I drive an '87.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Oh, speaking of time machines? I just got back from the future, and I went to your funeral, and guess what? Nobody came.
Dwight K. Schrute: Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die?
Andy: Oh. That was a really well-constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-Not University.
Dwight K. Schrute: Idiot!
Andy: If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a Trans Am.
Dwight K. Schrute: If you were driving a Trans Am, you'd be the smartest idiot in the whole world.
Andy: [coughing] Idiot!
Dwight K. Schrute: [coughing] You're the idiot.
Andy: [coughing] Nice comeback.
Dwight K. Schrute: [coughing] I was making fun of your comeback. That's why it worked. [to camera] I totally got the best of that interchange.

Quote from Creed

Hannah: Look what's on his computer!
Michael Scott: What is that, a squid's eye, or-
Hannah: It's my left breast.
Michael Scott: How did you...?
Creed: Right place at the right time.

Quote from Creed

Hannah: [using breast pump] Take a picture. It'll last longer.
Ryan: I'm sorry. It's just, it's a little distracting.
Creed: Ditto that, my brother.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Tony! Please join your cohorts on the table, if you would.
Tony: This is difficult for me.
Michael Scott: Hey, I understand, we're all friends.
Tony: No, I mean, I can't physically. I can't get on the table.
Michael Scott: Oh, well, just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up. Okay? You know what? I'll help. I will help.
Tony: No, please. Don't-
Michael Scott: Don't be shy. Dwight, let's do this. Come on, we're doing this thing. Ready?
Dwight K. Schrute: On three. One... two... three.
Michael Scott: Bend at the knees. Okay. Here we go! Here we go! I'm under this. I'm under this hock here. I don't know what I'm grabbing here! All right, all right!
Tony: Stop! Put me down!
Michael Scott: But it feels good. Push it, push it! I'm right in your crack!
Tony: No, put me down right now!
Michael Scott: Don't give up! You got it, man!
Tony: Put me down right now! I've had enough! Put me down right now!


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