The Scranton Strangler
The Scranton Strangler is a local serial killer whose case the staff at Dunder Mifflin took great interest in, one H.R. rep in particular.
Man: Next up, secretary Schrute will read the minutes from Sunday's meeting.
Dwight K. Schrute: Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. No, Jim, hey!
Dwight K. Schrute: This meeting is for Knights of the Night only.
[later, to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Knights of the Night are volunteer crime patrollers. We're often compared to the Guardian Angels, but we could not be more different from them. Seriously, we are nothing like the Guardian Angels. I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure. Think Guardian Angels. One of our many recent good deeds? We set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us.
Michael Scott: Man, I worked hard. I worked so hard for this! I was after corporate constantly. I emailed Jo. I wrote letters. And, know who I end up owing this to is the Scranton Strangler. Thank you. Thank you, Scranton Strangler. I love you! You just took one more person's breath away.
Nellie: Oh, it sounds like the party's starting up out there.
Toby: Yeah. So anyway, the entire jury wants me to vote guilty. But then I did a little research of my own, and forget everything you thought you knew about fingerprinting.
Nellie: Well, the good news is no more guilty conscience. At least you know he is the strangler. The proof is in the grip. Did they say when the vocal cords would heal? [Toby nods in his neck brace] One week? [Toby shakes head] Okay, two weeks? [Toby nods] Okay. You offered your neck in search of the truth. The proud neck of justice. Isn't that the expression? No. Well, anyway, it was, it was very brave. It really was quite brave.
Phyllis: What's the case, Toby?
Toby: Well, I really can't talk about it, but it's a very high profile case.
Andy: Is it criminal?
Andy: Have we heard of it?
Toby: I don't know.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is it the middle school teacher who tried to turn her foreign exchange student into a sex slave?
Toby: Come on.
Meredith: Was it the post office guy who rubbed his penis all over the mail?
Toby: Guys, it's a really big deal.
Ryan: He's rubbing his neck. He's rubbing his neck!
Kelly: He's rubbing his neck.
Ryan: He's rubbing his neck.
Andy: Oh, Scranton Strangler!
Toby: I can neither confirm nor deny this. Let's just say I'll be up to my neck in jury duty.
Dwight K. Schrute: Too late! If I was the real Scranton Strangler, you'd be so strangled right now. If you're out there, strangler, you will get caught! By me.
Jim: Sounds like someone's really trying to convince us that he's not the Scranton Strangler.
Dwight K. Schrute: To my chickens I'm the Scranton Strangler.
Andy: Hey, have you guys seen her?
Meredith: She hasn't popped yet.
Andy: What? God damn it. She was supposed to come out yesterday.
Andy: I decided to give baby Halpert a newspaper from the day she was born. This frame set me back fifty five bones. But she decided to take her sweet time, so now I have to switch it with today's paper. [Andy holds up today's newspaper with a report about the "Scranton Strangler"]
Jim: So Phyllis, he was here, and then the car came and did- he was like that. Yeah, so it had to be a double backflip, actually.
Toby: You know, when I was on j-duty - uh, Strangler case - we used to recreate the various stranglings with empanadas from- at Ernesto's.
Jim: Oh man, Ernesto's. That was our favorite restaurant too.
Toby: You mean food truck. Ernesto's was a food truck.
Meredith: Toby, shut your hole about the empanadas. Nobody cares about the empanadas.
DeAngelo: Every day, millions of Americans suffer from extreme repulsiveness. Someone in our midst, is bringing that problem to light. Toby Flenderson, please come up here and accept the Extreme Repulsiveness Award. Oh, that's so mean!
Michael Scott: No, it's not.
Oscar: It's his last Dundies.
Jim: You gotta play along, man.
Oscar: Come on, Toby.
Michael Scott: Here he comes. Alright, you deserve it!
Toby: I really disagree with this. I think it's kind of hateful. Though I am a little happy right now to have a platform to talk about the outcome of a case that I was recently a juror on: The Scranton Strangler. A man's being put to death. I was part of the verdict, and I'm not so sure he's guilty any more.
Toby: This is the prison. Uh, I am not going in there with expectations, per se. Uh, I will meet George Howard Scubb. I will tell him that I believe he is innocent. I would understand if he felt motivated to hug me. I would understand if a friendship began. How did, how did Bogart put it? [imitating Humphrey Bogart] I think this is a start of my first friendship.
Toby: You know who's not gonna get to work on some exciting new startup this year? George Howard Scubb, a.k.a. the alleged Scranton Strangler, because he's in prison for something he may not have done.
Nellie: I'm sorry, the--Uh, the Scranton who?
Toby: The Scranton strangler. George Howard Skub. Haven't I told you about the jury I was on a couple years ago?
Nellie: [gasps] Oh, what happened? I mean, if you can talk about it, obviously. Because if you can't, I mean, I understand.
Toby: I- I could... I could talk about it.
Stanley: [pats Nellie on the shoulder as he walks out] See you next Christmas.
Toby: I could, sure. Have a seat. I would start at the beginning, but I think I need to go farther back.
Michael Scott: All this arguing reminds me of a very funny story. You see this on my desk? [he holds up a toy taxi cab] Know who gave me this? My girlfriend Tara, who lives in New York City.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, what girlfriend?
Michael Scott: I haven't told you about her.
Dwight K. Schrute: I find that unlikely. You email me when you get a new zit.
Michael Scott: I'm a man in my mid-40s and I still get zits. I think that's pretty interesting. But you know what? I am not on trial here. The Scranton strangler is. So, anyway, we have this great weekend, and she drives me to the airport, and we get to JFK, but I am flying out of LaGuardia. So we laugh and laugh and laugh, and then we spend the rest of the day walking around slo-mo, drinking latte. And at the end of the day, she gives me this, and she says, "Michael, maybe next time, you should take a cab."
Holly: I didn't know you had a girlfriend.
Michael Scott: I do. She is.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Did you see her face? Well it seems to me that there is a person sitting out there in the annex that still has feelings for Michael G. Scott. And it ain't Tara.
Meredith: What does the strangler look like? Is he gorgeous? He looks gorgeous in the drawings.
Meredith: That scowl.
Michael Scott: Grandpa, where were you the day the the Scranton Strangler was caught? [old man voice] Well kiddo, I was there. I was there... And I'll tell you what. [shakes jar of gravel from the road] You go sell these and buy yourself a nice spaceship.
Oscar: Those figures I gave you, they're false.
Oscar: I was mad at Kevin, we had a fight and I acted vindictively.
Toby: So you set him up.
Oscar: Yes, he's innocent.
Toby: I knew it. I knew it from the beginning this was a possibility.
Oscar: What are you talking about? I just did this now.
Toby: Oh. A few years ago, when I was on the jury of the Scranton Strangler..
Toby: I always thought he might have been set up but I felt pressured to convict.
Oscar: That's gotta be tough.
Toby: Tough? I put an innocent man on death row.
Toby: Hey, Nellie. Mmm. I am so sick of February. It's the shortest month but it sure doesn't feel that way. We should catch up.
Toby: Y'know I've been going over my notes from the trial...
Nellie: Oh no.
Toby: ...feel like I may have glossed over a few...
Nellie: No, no, no, no.
Toby: ...minor points.
Nellie: No! Toby, you cannot keep blathering on about this Scranton Strangler. Do something about it. Get it out of your system, whatever it takes.
Toby: I've been drafting a letter.
Nellie: For two years! Then what? Another year picking out a stamp? Another six months before you decide to lick it? Just- I don't want to hear it!
Toby: I'm going to the prison. This afternoon. I'm gonna talk to the strangler.
Nellie: Probably best to use his real name rather than strangler.
Darryl: Don't use his real name. George Howard Scubb. It's a devil name.
Dwight K. Schrute: How has being a minority affected you?
Kelly: Well, there's a lot of pressure from my parents to settle down and marry an Indian guy.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, good, and you resent this because...
Kelly: Indian guys always wear their cell phones outside their pants. It's so dorky.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, no, no. That's not dorky. Look, it's easily accessible. Boom, like this. 911, hello. Scranton Strangler's in the house. Inside the house.
Kelly: Just put it in your pocket.