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‘Heavy Competition’ Quotes

The Office: Heavy Competition

524. Heavy Competition

Aired April 16, 2009

Michael and Dwight go to war as the Michael Scott Paper Company tries to attract Dunder Mifflin's clients. Meanwhile, Jim has some fun with Andy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I wanted to start a company, not a war. Because in a war, you always fight those you are closest to. And the great tragedy of the civil war is that brother fought against brother. For what? What purpose did that serve? Apart from abolishing slavery? In that case, war was the right choice. This doesn't feel as important though. That's just how the world works, I guess.

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland. There was just a lot going on, so what you wore to work was the least of anybody's worries. And in that chaos, I soared.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Phyllis: What's wrong with you?
Dwight K. Schrute: These sleeves are cutting off my circulation. Not enough blood getting to my hands.
Phyllis: I think you look nice.
Dwight K. Schrute: Doesn't Charles know he's compromising my attack readiness? It's not a dress code. It's a death sentence.
Charles: Looking good.
Dwight K. Schrute: 'kay, thank you. It's a straight jacket! [knocking things off the shelf with his arms] Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Michael, are you alright?
Michael Scott: It was a setup. Dwight told Charles. He told him.
Pam: Tell us what you're talking about.
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael Scott: It's like, a girl says she'll make out with you, but then her boyfriend is waiting around the corner with a pee-filled balloon.
Pam: We can't help you if you don't just tell us what happened.
Michael Scott: I got hit in the face with a pee-filled water balloon, Pam, ok? I don't know how they did it. They filled the balloon with pee. A funnel? I don't know. Is that clear enough for you?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [on speakerphone in Dwight's car] Now, when Dwight tells you that he will keep prices steady for a year, I think he is speaking out of turn.
Mr. Schofield: Really?
Michael Scott: Yes. He does not have the authority to say that. I, on the other hand, am the president, the owner, and the founder. It is like you are buying software from Bill Gates.
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you saying you invented paper?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: What is that thing that Dwight always says? Paper is the soil in which the seeds of business grow?
Dwight K. Schrute: [in his car] It's not the soil! It's the manure! Paper is the manure! On-time delivery is the soil! Aah!

Quote from Andy

Andy: I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you, Mr. Schofield, for your time. Much appreciated. Oh, and tell me, um, how's your gay son?
Mr. Schofield: Excuse me?
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: I color code all my info. I wrote "gay son" in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means "Orange you glad you didn't bring it up?" Most colors mean "Don't say it."
[back:]
Dwight K. Schrute: How is Tom, the homosexual sophomore?

Quote from Jim

Jim: Andy put down a bunch of deposits on stuff for his wedding with Angela, but then she was sleeping with Dwight for... several years. Wait, no, that can't be right.
Pam: The timeline's messy.
Jim: Anyway, now we are going bargain hunting in the haunted graveyard of their love.

Quote from Andy

Andy: This is my solo. [as Andy imitates a bass guitar, the stereo plays an a capella version of Paul Simon's "You Can Call Me Al"]
Pam: I'm confused. Am I walking down the aisle to "You Can Call Me Al"?
Andy: Trust me. You will not be walking. You will be boogie-ing.

Quote from Andy

Jim: I am extremely interested. So, how much will all of this cost?
Andy: Well, twelve guys, airfare, three nights in a hotel, food per diem, table up front for merch... $9,000.
Pam: I don't know. It seems like a lot for an a cappella group from a college we never went to.
Andy: Did you even hear the music I just played for you?
Pam: Mm-hmm.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Hey.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey. Ed's Tires is thinking of making a change.
Michael Scott: [gestures to 'Bed & Breakfast' magazine] Is this good?
Dwight K. Schrute: They have some great kitchen ideas.
Michael Scott: Oh. Okay. Ed's Tires, huh?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's small, I know.
Michael Scott: I really appreciate it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thanks, Michael. [Michael palms Dwight cash in their handshake] Wait, what is this?
Michael Scott: It's for your trouble.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wh- I don't need $6 to help a friend.
Michael Scott: No, no, listen, as a friend, I want you to have this.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, you know I can't take this.
Michael Scott: Yes, I do.
Dwight K. Schrute: But don't forget you owe me $10.
Michael Scott: That was four years ago. Why don't you let it go?
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Bring it in. Morning cheer. [clears throat]
Michael, Pam & Ryan: U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi! You ugly, huh huh, you ugly! You mama says you ugly! Hey! Go Michael Scott Paper Company!
[aside to camera:]
Pam: I'm here. I'm a part of this now.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hello, Dwight. What's with the shirt? Are you alright?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm sorry, Michael
Charles: [emerging from around the corner] Hi, Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh my God! Run! Run! It's a setup. Setup!
Charles: No, Mich-Michael.
Michael Scott: Dwight, run!
Charles: Michael, no, let's be cool, ok?
Michael Scott: You be cool.
Charles: Yes.
Michael Scott: Just-what's going on?
Charles: We need to talk about our two companies, and how we should behave. Dwight tells me you've been pestering him for company info.
Michael Scott: Mm- Do... Dwight would not-
Charles: He did.
Dwight K. Schrute: I did, Michael. I was upset about the shirt sleeves at first, but now I'm okay with it.
Charles: Michael, I want you to stop pestering my salesmen, and I want you to leave Dunder Mifflin alone. Do you understand?
Michael Scott: I. Understand. Nothing.

Quote from Jim

Andy: Hey, Jim.
Jim: I just totally blew a sales call.
Andy: Bro, I do that all the time.
Jim: Yeah, well, with you it's different, okay? Cause I just- I just suck. I just- I suck!
Andy: Tuna, be nice to my friend Jim, okay?
Jim: Why? When I look in the mirror, I don't like the face that looks back.
Andy: Well, so what? Your body's a ten.
Jim: Just forget it.
Andy: Jim.
Jim: I said forget it. [drop kicks his lunch, then stomps on it]

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: [answering phone] Dwight Schrute.
Michael Scott: Hello, traitor.
Dwight K. Schrute: I think you have the wrong number, Michael.
Michael Scott: I want you to listen to me, friend, and I want you to listen to me good. I am going to come at you, and I am going to come at you hard. I am going to steal all of your clients, and then I am going to kill them in front of you.
Pam: Michael!
Michael Scott: I'm just getting hardcore with him.
Ryan: Finally.
Michael Scott: Yes, and hear me, Dwight, when I say I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. [hangs up] Bill Cosby.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Stanley: So, you think Michael's going after the whale, huh?
Dwight K. Schrute: I have a long term relationship with Harper Collins publishers and Mr. Schofield. I'm not worried.
Phyllis: You sound worried.
Dwight K. Schrute: And you have bad skin. Oh, look everyone, we're all making observations! [gibberish sounds]

Quote from Pam

Ryan: Look at that old dude and his Rolodex go.
Pam: I spent a month putting that Rolodex on his Blackberry, which he now uses as a nightlight.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael has been talking to my biggest client. Master and apprentice pitted against one another for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market. So it's not exactly like 'Highlander,' but still...

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Oh my God, I think we've been robbed!
Michael Scott: [answering phone] Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Did you enjoy your lunch?
Michael Scott: Dwight, not now, we've been robbed.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, Michael, you were sabotaged.
Michael Scott: No, Dwight, we were robbed. How would you even know? You're still stuck in traffic. [Pam holds up a sign saying "Dwight did it!!"] You?
Dwight K. Schrute: Me.
Michael Scott: What about our truce?
Dwight K. Schrute: I broke it.
Michael Scott: On purpose?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: Why?
Dwight K. Schrute: You think this is some kind of game? No, this is a war, and I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!
Michael Scott: Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.
Dwight K. Schrute: And I knew that you would do that. The meatball parm is their worst sandwich!
Michael Scott: Oh. [bites into the sandwich] Bastard!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [holding up Rolodex card] Schrute comma Dwight. And on the back he wrote, "great salesman, better friend." [turns card over] "Tall" and "beets."

Quote from Jim

Jim: Okay.
Andy: Yeah, okay, what the heck is happening here?
Jim: Two things I need you to understand. One, Pam and I are very happy together.
Andy: Uh, that's not what was-
Jim: And two, that stuff that happened with you and Angela is a bummer, and I know that you don't think you're ever gonna find someone else, but you will. I promise you, you will.

Quote from Michael Scott

Secretary: Uh, hello, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Spin move.
Secretary: Oh-
Dwight K. Schrute: Ha ha! April 13th, 2002.
Mr. Schofield: Dwight, I'm in a meeting.
Michael Scott: That's very rude.
Dwight K. Schrute: I barge because I care. April 13th, 2002, that is the date when you tried to switch paper providers for an obscure sociology textbook, but were hung out to dry when the price of glossy stock increased.
Mr. Schofield: Maybe we should schedule a meeting on our-
Dwight K. Schrute: La la la! Continuing. Notice my persistence and recall. Continuing! You called Dunder Mifflin, and your order was filled within an hour!
Michael Scott: I'm going to pull a date out of the air right now. April 13th, 2002. That is the last day that you evaluated your paper needs. Is it not? We all know that the economy is bad, and bloated companies like Dunder Mifflin-
Dwight K. Schrute: Come on.
Michael Scott: -are going to fall by the wayside. Two of their branches have closed within the last year. The Michael Scott Paper Company, however, has opened a new branch this very month.
Dwight K. Schrute: What he's not telling you is that he will abandon you.
Mr. Schofield: Why don't you guys just e-mail me your best offers and we can finish it up that way?
Michael Scott: That sounds like a fantastic idea. I will see you this weekend for the Penguins. Box seats as usual.


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