Michael Scott: I wanted to start a company, not a war. Because in a war, you always fight those you are closest to. And the great tragedy of the civil war is that brother fought against brother. For what? What purpose did that serve? Apart from abolishing slavery? In that case, war was the right choice. This doesn't feel as important though. That's just how the world works, I guess.

Dwight K. Schrute: When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland. There was just a lot going on, so what you wore to work was the least of anybody's worries. And in that chaos, I soared.

Michael Scott: What is that thing that Dwight always says? Paper is the soil in which the seeds of business grow?
Dwight K. Schrute: [in his car] It's not the soil! It's the manure! Paper is the manure! On-time delivery is the soil! Aah!

Phyllis: What's wrong with you?
Dwight K. Schrute: These sleeves are cutting off my circulation. Not enough blood getting to my hands.
Phyllis: I think you look nice.
Dwight K. Schrute: Doesn't Charles know he's compromising my attack readiness? It's not a dress code. It's a death sentence.
Charles: Looking good.
Dwight K. Schrute: 'kay, thank you. It's a straight jacket! [knocking things off the shelf with his arms] Okay.

Pam: Michael, are you alright?
Michael Scott: It was a setup. Dwight told Charles. He told him.
Pam: Tell us what you're talking about.
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael Scott: It's like, a girl says she'll make out with you, but then her boyfriend is waiting around the corner with a pee-filled balloon.
Pam: We can't help you if you don't just tell us what happened.
Michael Scott: I got hit in the face with a pee-filled water balloon, Pam, ok? I don't know how they did it. They filled the balloon with pee. A funnel? I don't know. Is that clear enough for you?

Michael Scott: [on speakerphone in Dwight's car] Now, when Dwight tells you that he will keep prices steady for a year, I think he is speaking out of turn.
Mr. Schofield: Really?
Michael Scott: Yes. He does not have the authority to say that. I, on the other hand, am the president, the owner, and the founder. It is like you are buying software from Bill Gates.
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you saying you invented paper?

Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you, Mr. Schofield, for your time. Much appreciated. Oh, and tell me, um, how's your gay son?
Mr. Schofield: Excuse me?
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: I color code all my info. I wrote "gay son" in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means "Orange you glad you didn't bring it up?" Most colors mean "Don't say it."
[back:]
Dwight K. Schrute: How is Tom, the homosexual sophomore?

Andy: I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.

Andy: This is my solo. [as Andy imitates a bass guitar, the stereo plays an a capella version of Paul Simon's "You Can Call Me Al"]
Pam: I'm confused. Am I walking down the aisle to "You Can Call Me Al"?
Andy: Trust me. You will not be walking. You will be boogie-ing.

Dwight K. Schrute: [answering phone] Dwight Schrute.
Michael Scott: Hello, traitor.
Dwight K. Schrute: I think you have the wrong number, Michael.
Michael Scott: I want you to listen to me, friend, and I want you to listen to me good. I am going to come at you, and I am going to come at you hard. I am going to steal all of your clients, and then I am going to kill them in front of you.
Pam: Michael!
Michael Scott: I'm just getting hardcore with him.
Ryan: Finally.
Michael Scott: Yes, and hear me, Dwight, when I say I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. [hangs up] Bill Cosby.