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38Quotes from ‘Heavy Competition’

The Office: Heavy Competition

524. Heavy Competition

Aired April 16, 2009

Michael and Dwight go to war as the Michael Scott Paper Company tries to attract Dunder Mifflin's clients. Meanwhile, Jim has some fun with Andy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I wanted to start a company, not a war. Because in a war, you always fight those you are closest to. And the great tragedy of the civil war is that brother fought against brother. For what? What purpose did that serve? Apart from abolishing slavery? In that case, war was the right choice. This doesn't feel as important though. That's just how the world works, I guess.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland. There was just a lot going on, so what you wore to work was the least of anybody's worries. And in that chaos, I soared.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Phyllis: What's wrong with you?
Dwight K. Schrute: These sleeves are cutting off my circulation. Not enough blood getting to my hands.
Phyllis: I think you look nice.
Dwight K. Schrute: Doesn't Charles know he's compromising my attack readiness? It's not a dress code. It's a death sentence.
Charles: Looking good.
Dwight K. Schrute: 'kay, thank you. It's a straight jacket! [knocking things off the shelf with his arms] Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Michael, are you alright?
Michael Scott: It was a setup. Dwight told Charles. He told him.
Pam: Tell us what you're talking about.
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael Scott: It's like, a girl says she'll make out with you, but then her boyfriend is waiting around the corner with a pee-filled balloon.
Pam: We can't help you if you don't just tell us what happened.
Michael Scott: I got hit in the face with a pee-filled water balloon, Pam, ok? I don't know how they did it. They filled the balloon with pee. A funnel? I don't know. Is that clear enough for you?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [on speakerphone in Dwight's car] Now, when Dwight tells you that he will keep prices steady for a year, I think he is speaking out of turn.
Mr. Schofield: Really?
Michael Scott: Yes. He does not have the authority to say that. I, on the other hand, am the president, the owner, and the founder. It is like you are buying software from Bill Gates.
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you saying you invented paper?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: What is that thing that Dwight always says? Paper is the soil in which the seeds of business grow?
Dwight K. Schrute: [in his car] It's not the soil! It's the manure! Paper is the manure! On-time delivery is the soil! Aah!

Quote from Andy

Andy: I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you, Mr. Schofield, for your time. Much appreciated. Oh, and tell me, um, how's your gay son?
Mr. Schofield: Excuse me?
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: I color code all my info. I wrote "gay son" in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means "Orange you glad you didn't bring it up?" Most colors mean "Don't say it."
[back:]
Dwight K. Schrute: How is Tom, the homosexual sophomore?

Quote from Jim

Jim: Andy put down a bunch of deposits on stuff for his wedding with Angela, but then she was sleeping with Dwight for... several years. Wait, no, that can't be right.
Pam: The timeline's messy.
Jim: Anyway, now we are going bargain hunting in the haunted graveyard of their love.

Quote from Andy

Andy: This is my solo. [as Andy imitates a bass guitar, the stereo plays an a capella version of Paul Simon's "You Can Call Me Al"]
Pam: I'm confused. Am I walking down the aisle to "You Can Call Me Al"?
Andy: Trust me. You will not be walking. You will be boogie-ing.

Quote from Andy

Jim: I am extremely interested. So, how much will all of this cost?
Andy: Well, twelve guys, airfare, three nights in a hotel, food per diem, table up front for merch... $9,000.
Pam: I don't know. It seems like a lot for an a cappella group from a college we never went to.
Andy: Did you even hear the music I just played for you?
Pam: Mm-hmm.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Hey.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey. Ed's Tires is thinking of making a change.
Michael Scott: [gestures to 'Bed & Breakfast' magazine] Is this good?
Dwight K. Schrute: They have some great kitchen ideas.
Michael Scott: Oh. Okay. Ed's Tires, huh?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's small, I know.
Michael Scott: I really appreciate it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thanks, Michael. [Michael palms Dwight cash in their handshake] Wait, what is this?
Michael Scott: It's for your trouble.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wh- I don't need $6 to help a friend.
Michael Scott: No, no, listen, as a friend, I want you to have this.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, you know I can't take this.
Michael Scott: Yes, I do.
Dwight K. Schrute: But don't forget you owe me $10.
Michael Scott: That was four years ago. Why don't you let it go?
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Bring it in. Morning cheer. [clears throat]
Michael, Pam & Ryan: U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi! You ugly, huh huh, you ugly! You mama says you ugly! Hey! Go Michael Scott Paper Company!
[aside to camera:]
Pam: I'm here. I'm a part of this now.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hello, Dwight. What's with the shirt? Are you alright?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm sorry, Michael
Charles: [emerging from around the corner] Hi, Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh my God! Run! Run! It's a setup. Setup!
Charles: No, Mich-Michael.
Michael Scott: Dwight, run!
Charles: Michael, no, let's be cool, ok?
Michael Scott: You be cool.
Charles: Yes.
Michael Scott: Just-what's going on?
Charles: We need to talk about our two companies, and how we should behave. Dwight tells me you've been pestering him for company info.
Michael Scott: Mm- Do... Dwight would not-
Charles: He did.
Dwight K. Schrute: I did, Michael. I was upset about the shirt sleeves at first, but now I'm okay with it.
Charles: Michael, I want you to stop pestering my salesmen, and I want you to leave Dunder Mifflin alone. Do you understand?
Michael Scott: I. Understand. Nothing.

Quote from Jim

Andy: Hey, Jim.
Jim: I just totally blew a sales call.
Andy: Bro, I do that all the time.
Jim: Yeah, well, with you it's different, okay? Cause I just- I just suck. I just- I suck!
Andy: Tuna, be nice to my friend Jim, okay?
Jim: Why? When I look in the mirror, I don't like the face that looks back.
Andy: Well, so what? Your body's a ten.
Jim: Just forget it.
Andy: Jim.
Jim: I said forget it. [drop kicks his lunch, then stomps on it]

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: [answering phone] Dwight Schrute.
Michael Scott: Hello, traitor.
Dwight K. Schrute: I think you have the wrong number, Michael.
Michael Scott: I want you to listen to me, friend, and I want you to listen to me good. I am going to come at you, and I am going to come at you hard. I am going to steal all of your clients, and then I am going to kill them in front of you.
Pam: Michael!
Michael Scott: I'm just getting hardcore with him.
Ryan: Finally.
Michael Scott: Yes, and hear me, Dwight, when I say I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. [hangs up] Bill Cosby.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Stanley: So, you think Michael's going after the whale, huh?
Dwight K. Schrute: I have a long term relationship with Harper Collins publishers and Mr. Schofield. I'm not worried.
Phyllis: You sound worried.
Dwight K. Schrute: And you have bad skin. Oh, look everyone, we're all making observations! [gibberish sounds]

Quote from Pam

Ryan: Look at that old dude and his Rolodex go.
Pam: I spent a month putting that Rolodex on his Blackberry, which he now uses as a nightlight.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael has been talking to my biggest client. Master and apprentice pitted against one another for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market. So it's not exactly like 'Highlander,' but still...

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Oh my God, I think we've been robbed!
Michael Scott: [answering phone] Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Did you enjoy your lunch?
Michael Scott: Dwight, not now, we've been robbed.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, Michael, you were sabotaged.
Michael Scott: No, Dwight, we were robbed. How would you even know? You're still stuck in traffic. [Pam holds up a sign saying "Dwight did it!!"] You?
Dwight K. Schrute: Me.
Michael Scott: What about our truce?
Dwight K. Schrute: I broke it.
Michael Scott: On purpose?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: Why?
Dwight K. Schrute: You think this is some kind of game? No, this is a war, and I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!
Michael Scott: Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.
Dwight K. Schrute: And I knew that you would do that. The meatball parm is their worst sandwich!
Michael Scott: Oh. [bites into the sandwich] Bastard!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [holding up Rolodex card] Schrute comma Dwight. And on the back he wrote, "great salesman, better friend." [turns card over] "Tall" and "beets."

Quote from Jim

Jim: Okay.
Andy: Yeah, okay, what the heck is happening here?
Jim: Two things I need you to understand. One, Pam and I are very happy together.
Andy: Uh, that's not what was-
Jim: And two, that stuff that happened with you and Angela is a bummer, and I know that you don't think you're ever gonna find someone else, but you will. I promise you, you will.

Quote from Michael Scott

Secretary: Uh, hello, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Spin move.
Secretary: Oh-
Dwight K. Schrute: Ha ha! April 13th, 2002.
Mr. Schofield: Dwight, I'm in a meeting.
Michael Scott: That's very rude.
Dwight K. Schrute: I barge because I care. April 13th, 2002, that is the date when you tried to switch paper providers for an obscure sociology textbook, but were hung out to dry when the price of glossy stock increased.
Mr. Schofield: Maybe we should schedule a meeting on our-
Dwight K. Schrute: La la la! Continuing. Notice my persistence and recall. Continuing! You called Dunder Mifflin, and your order was filled within an hour!
Michael Scott: I'm going to pull a date out of the air right now. April 13th, 2002. That is the last day that you evaluated your paper needs. Is it not? We all know that the economy is bad, and bloated companies like Dunder Mifflin-
Dwight K. Schrute: Come on.
Michael Scott: -are going to fall by the wayside. Two of their branches have closed within the last year. The Michael Scott Paper Company, however, has opened a new branch this very month.
Dwight K. Schrute: What he's not telling you is that he will abandon you.
Mr. Schofield: Why don't you guys just e-mail me your best offers and we can finish it up that way?
Michael Scott: That sounds like a fantastic idea. I will see you this weekend for the Penguins. Box seats as usual.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Things are a little slow here. And there's only so much cold-calling you can do in a day. Turns out there's no limit to the number of cheese puffs you can throw at someone's face.
Michael Scott: [o.s.] Hup!
Pam: We're getting pretty good at it.

Quote from Jim

Andy: What was up with Pam being all pushy and negative in there?
Jim: I think she just didn't want a crucifix cake.
Andy: It scares me to see you going down a road that I went down.
Jim: Am I going down a road?
Andy: When I see her bossing you around like that, it just makes me wonder if this thing really has the legs to go the distance.
Jim: It's so scary how right the things you're saying are. And you're coming at it with almost no knowledge, so of course I trust your opinion on this.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I was going to use today to purge my inbox, but now something much more pressing has come up.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Ed's Tires. Why don't you tell them that we have fewer clients, so we can spend more time with each of them. Also, try to discuss it over Indian food, and try to mention how you distrust women.
Pam: I'm not gonna do that.
Michael Scott: That is smart. That would not seem genuine. Ryan?
Ryan: I can get there.
Michael Scott: Good, you take the lead on this one. Also, do not forget that he has just gone through a messy divorce.
Ryan: Oh, awesome.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Charles: Dwight, take a seat.
Dwight K. Schrute: I prefer to stand. Less blood clots.
Charles: Nah, that's weird. You're gonna sit. Great. You know, Dwight, it has been quite a transition for all of us. Are you happy with the way things have been runnin' lately?
Dwight K. Schrute: Why do you ask? Do you mean compared to the ways things ran with other bosses? Comparisons are hard.
Charles: I've just been impressed with your performance and I wanted to make sure good work doesn't go unnoticed.
Dwight K. Schrute: Your concern is noted.
Charles: Yeah, I like your work ethic. You're so... focused.
Dwight K. Schrute: Like a wolf. Thank you.
Charles: And I wanna start givin' you more responsibility. What do you say you and I go out for a drink this week?
Dwight K. Schrute: Really?
Charles: Definitely.
Dwight K. Schrute: [shaking Charles' hand] It's firm.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [on phone] I need you to get me the prices that you're charging Ed's tires so I can undercut Dunder Mifflin.
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't know that I can do that now. You know, uh, something's come up.
Michael Scott: Oh n- Is it Mose? Did you put the cover on that well?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, Mose is fine. I roped it off. It's not about Mose. Listen, things are changing here, Michael, they're changing fast.
Michael Scott: I'm not following you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Imagine... Someone has a personal hero they really wanna help. But then there's this new guy. Very cool, very Will Smith-esque, who would not like it if he helped his hero.
Michael Scott: Personal hero, cool new guy. Okay, I think I'm getting your drift.
Dwight K. Schrute: Good, do you see what I'm saying?
Michael Scott: Crystal clear. So is this for a movie that you're writing?
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: Can I use it? [Pam holds up a note saying "He's talking about you!"]
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: [Michael dismisses the note, Ryan and Pam point to notepad] Dwight, are you talking about us?
Dwight K. Schrute: It is possible that I could be talking about us.
Michael Scott: Someone could say it is like the situation that we are in now?
Dwight K. Schrute: It is the situation that we are in now.
Michael Scott: So I would say that the old boss has always been good to Dwight, and he was there first, so he has dibs. You respect dibs, don't you?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not a barbarian.
Michael Scott: Good. Will you meet me in 20 minutes at the spot?
Dwight K. Schrute: I will.
Michael Scott: Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes?
Michael Scott: Is the cool new guy Charles?
Dwight K. Schrute: I've said too much.
Michael Scott: Is it Stanley?

Quote from Andy

Jim: Hey, Andy. You know I've been thinkin about what you said.
Andy: 'Noishe.'
Jim: I just don't know if I can do it.
Andy: That's interesting, because I hear what you're saying is that you do want to do it, which means that you can do it. Believe me, I broke up with Angela, and I'm like, the happiest guy ever. I mean, I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Like, total freedom, you know?
Jim: It's just that Pam gets me through the day, you know? I really rely on her. I'm pretty emotionally needy.
Andy: And you know what? I am here for you. Let me be your traveling pants.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: And no, I cannot lower my current prices. [phone rings] Hold on. Hello? Mr. Schofield, thank you so much for taking the time to talk. I wanted to discuss your contract with us- oh, you're considering him. I thought Michael Scott left the paper business after his nervous breakdown.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [answering phone] Hello, Dwight, I've been expecting your call. What do you want?
Dwight K. Schrute: I would like to arrange a truce.
Michael Scott: So you heard Schofield is considering a switch, and you want mercy?
Dwight K. Schrute: Meet me in our spot in four minutes.
Michael Scott: No. No. You think I am going to fall for that? There's no-
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael.
Michael Scott: Meet- Okay, go to the spot and then walk 100 feet.
Dwight K. Schrute: In which direction?
Michael Scott: Toward the sun.
Dwight K. Schrute: At what time?
Michael Scott: Noon.
Dwight K. Schrute: That-
Michael Scott: You have two seconds.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael.
Michael Scott: I hope you're not recording this conversation. [Dwight drops his pants and lifts up his shirt] Good. I cannot believe that you sided with Charles.
Dwight K. Schrute: You were making me do things that were not all right.
Michael Scott: So you just rat me out? You could have said no.
Dwight K. Schrute: And not come through for you?
Michael Scott: If you want a truce, I will give you a truce.
Dwight K. Schrute: I want a truce.
Michael Scott: I do too.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let me take you and your whole company out for lunch at Alfredo's.
Michael Scott: Cooper's.
Dwight K. Schrute: I had fish yesterday.
Michael Scott: Damn it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: [answering phone] Oh. Dwight-elicious. Where you at?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, hi, Michael. I'm so sorry I'm late. I got stuck in traffic.
Michael Scott: Really? That's weird. We didn't see any.
Dwight K. Schrute: I hit a bear.
Michael Scott: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: He's technically fine. I imagine the true horror will be when he wakes up in a zoo. [throws a fish into the vent at Michael's office] Hey, listen, will you do me a favor and order the meatball parm for me, with extra cheese?
Michael Scott: Yeah, sure.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I will see you very soon, alright? [Dwight takes all the items off Michael's desk and puts them into briefcase, including rolodex]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [on the phone] Hi there. Dwight Schrute here. I was just calling to see if Michael Scott Paper was meeting all of your paper needs, and how is [reading off Rolodex card] Brenda, age four, ponytail, and Simon, age 7? Oh, you don't say.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: And say hello to Cheri, who is your black wife. [hangs up and answers cell phone] I see you're begging for mercy, huh? Well, you will find none here.
Michael Scott: Dwight, do you mind if we talk?
Dwight K. Schrute: Sure. That'd be fine.
Michael Scott: If you keep coming after us, the Michael Scott Paper Company cannot succeed.
Dwight K. Schrute: This is war and that is what happens.
Michael Scott: Oh, one more thing. I'm going to have you listen while I steal your biggest client.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, no. No. No. No. No.
Michael Scott: Oh, uh oh, I'm turning you down right now.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael! Michael!
Michael Scott: You can hear me, but I can't hear you.
Secretary: Mr. Schofield's ready to see you now, Mr. Scott.
Michael Scott: Oh, great. Mr. Schofield's ready to see me. Thank you so much.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't let him in! He's a traitor! Michael!
Michael Scott: Walking in the door...
Mr. Schofield: Michael, good to see you.
Michael Scott: Mr. Schofield, good to see you. And I'm closing the door.

Quote from Jim

Andy: Excuse me, can I have your attention, everyone? Here's the deal, everybody. Jim Halpert is very upset and disturbed. I don't know if it was something you did, something you said, a look you gave him, maybe it was nothing at all, but here's the deal, okay? It stops now.
Kevin: I guess I could be nicer.
Phyllis: Andy, I think Jim is messing with you.
Andy: Oh, really?
Phyllis: Mm-hmm. [looks over to Jim smiling through windows to the kitchen]

Quote from Andy

Andy: Argh! Oh man, he got me so good. I learned something about myself today. Yeah. I wish this was a sofa, cause I feel like I could sit here and talk for hours.


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