Nellie Bertram Quotes Page 1 of 9    

Quote from Test the Store

Nellie: Test launch day, people. Now, I would like to fill you in on a little secret about me to inspire you today. Now, I know you probably all think I'm this patrician goddess. But here's the truth. I was born in the little working-class town of Basildon, and until the age of 32, [in an Essex accent] I talked like this, which was bloody horrendous, innit? I came from dirt. No lower than... What's lower than dirt?
Dwight K. Schrute: Loam, magma, mantle, outer core, inner core.
Nellie: Yeah, thank you. Loam. Bloody loam, I came from. I hit rock bottom when I auditioned for the Spice Girls. [emotional] I didn't even get a callback.
Jim: Which Spice Girl?
Nellie: The black one. I never stood a chance.


Quote from Get the Girl

Nellie: I grew up poor. I had little formal education. No real skills. I don't work especially hard, and most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap. And yet, I walked right into a job for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited, and somebody else already had, and I got it. If you ask me, that's the American dream right there. Anything can happen to anyone. It's just random.

Quote from Roy's Wedding

Nellie: When you use a ridiculous font, no one thinks you have a plan.

Quote from Lice

Nellie: No. No, that is not all. Let me tell you what real life is like. The men dry up, and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are from collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you never even wore. You stalk your old high school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games, and make a scene. You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself, "You're all you need". One day, you're alone, tired. At your feet, a dying bird. But where did it come from? Why did you kill it? Is it because in some strange way it is you?

Quote from Search Committee

Nellie: First, I'll take down the cubicle walls.
Toby: But there aren't...
Nellie: Symbol of transparency. There'd be no titles. Everyone would have the same job. Same goes for me. I'd take your job, but I'd reject the title.
Gabe: A little unspecific.
Nellie: Everyone would be known for their accomplishments.
Jim: That's very interesting. Um, I feel like there might be a conflict there, and if a conflict did arise, how would that be dealt with?
Nellie: Ooh? Yeah. Mm. Scratch everything from before. I tell you what I'd do. Go the other way. More cubicles. More division. Everyone is somebody's boss, and that person can fire the person below them.
Jim: That's crazy.
Nellie: At least once a month, the lowest performing person... bye-bye!
Gabe: How would you compare, like, an accountant and HR?
Nellie: Well, I'll tell you how. Shall I? I'll tell you how.
Gabe: Okay.
Nellie: By splitting the difference. Just... Just, somewhere in the middle.
Jim: I think that's probably all we need to hear from....
Nellie: Zen office. Hmm? Thought of that? That's what I'd do. Everyone takes their shoes off, before they come in. Okay. There'd be no desks. You just sit on the floor.
Jim: That's very...
Nellie: You've got a Thai woman, out the back. Sockee! Sockee!
Gabe: Okay, that's not gonna be...
Nellie: Sockee!... is her name. Okay? She's administering massage, alright, if you need it. If you don't, whatever, just talk to her! She's a person! Either way, 50 minutes of that and you... You are cracking to go.

Quote from Get the Girl

Nellie: That one looks empty.
Jim: No, that's Andy's office.
Nellie: Oh, is it?
[aside to camera:]
Nellie: I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a Formula One car. The three slowest laps ever recorded.

Quote from Angry Andy

Nellie: "Take a man's job, but leave him his balls." Margaret Thatcher said that... probably. Don't know. Don't read. Didn't see the movie.

Quote from The Whale

Nellie: [to Dwight] I have, uh, written down a few questions. One, have you ever killed a woman? How many women have you killed? Please, sir, will you not kill me?

Quote from Tallahassee

Nellie: Psst. Say, "So who's leading this thing, anyway?"
Ryan: So who's leading this thing, anyway?
Nellie: Psst. Say, "I can't wait to meet him."
Ryan: I can't wait to meet him.
Nellie: [standing up] Him, you say? Don't think a woman can be a leader? You poor, simple boy. Expected a man, did you? Strong, powerful. Huge, whopping penis? Well, sorry to disappoint, but my huge, whopping penis is right here, [points to her head] and I'm not afraid to use it. So stop looking at my breasts, and start looking at my penis. [slow clap] I'm Nellie Bertram, president of special projects. In the next few weeks we're going to throw everything you know about business out of the window and do it our own way. Are your minds blown? So, how did this special project come about anyway? Well, I interviewed to be the manager of your branch. [points to Jim] After you decided I wasn't "a good fit-"
Jim: It was-
Nellie: Ah! Uh-uh. It was. I went on a shopping spree. Very destructive. I bought thirteen pianos. Then I realized, what if Sabre had a store? Hmm? So I called Jo, old friend, founder of Sabre, and I told her and she grabbed me by the shoulders and she said, "Yes!" So let's talk about the Sabre store then. Probably gonna look stupid, right? Like a big turd with a door on the front, right? What do you think it should look like?

Quote from Fundraiser

Nellie: I knew this would happen! Everybody told me if I moved to America, I'd be murdered.

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