Whether you've been impish or admirable, are looking forward to a Benihana or Moroccan Christmas, enjoy the best Christmas quotes from The Office as you wait for Classy Santa and Belsnickel.
Dwight K. Schrute: In a head-to-head contest, people prefer Belsnickel over Santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. It was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel.
Dwight K. Schrute: For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it to find himself... in jail!
Dwight K. Schrute: In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas.
Dwight K. Schrute: Or, who was it that suggested the authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? I think it was someone really popular.
Phyllis: We already said no.
Angela: No, no, no.
Nellie: Too weird.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. There's me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesn't come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo, matrix style.
Jim: So this year, for the first time ever, I got Pam in Secret Santa, and I got her this teapot, which I know she really wants, so she can make tea at her desk. But I'm also gonna stuff it with some inside jokes. Like, this is my high school yearbook photo. She saw it at the party, and it really makes her laugh. Not sure why. What else? This is a hot sauce packet. She put this on a hot dog a couple years ago because she thought it was ketchup. And it was really funny, so I kept the other two. This would take a little too long to explain, so I won't. And this is the card. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel.
Michael Scott: If this were Russia, yeah sure. Everyone would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block and once you sat on her lap and she'd ask you what you wanted, you would say, probably, "freedom." At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore.
Pam: Hey. I need to give you your Christmas gift now, because- Well, I'll just tell you.
Pam: For the past few months, I've been sending Dwight letters from the CIA.
Jim: Are you serious?
Pam: They're considering him for a top-secret mission. There's his application. Oh, and this is where I made him list every secret he promised he'd never, ever tell. "Last year, my boss, Michael Scott, took a day off because he said he had pneumonia, but, really, he was leaving early to go to magic camp." Wow. So, here's the gift. You get to decide what his top-secret mission is. Sorry I didn't wrap it.
Jim: Ah. You brought in your doll collection.
Dwight K. Schrute: These are not dolls, Jim. These are commodities, the same as gold or oil.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year it's a doll. Half girl, half unicorn. Catch phrase: "My horn can pierce the sky." Pathetic. I bought out every store in the area over the last couple of weeks. And as lazy parents become more desperate, I will sell them at an enormous profit. Isn't that right, princess?
Andy: Who's excited to get their holiday wishes?
Stanley: "Holiday wishes."
Andy: What's that, Stanley?
Stanley: We know exactly what holiday you're referring to.
Andy: It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party.
Stanley: I've been here eighteen years and have suffered through some weird thematic Christmases. A Honolulu Christmas, A Pulp Fiction Christmas, A Muslim Christmas, Moroccan Christmas. Mo-rocca Christmas. I don't want it. Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas.
Dwight K. Schrute: [plays a trumpet] And Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas has officially begun.
Meredith: Ugh. What is this stuff, lava?
Dwight K. Schrute: That is gluhwein, otherwise known as glow-wine, also used to sterilize medical instruments. And, interesting factoid, this is the very spoon that guided my soft skull through the birth canal when I was born. Enjoy.
Dwight K. Schrute: I have no feeling in my fingers or penis. But I think it was worth it.
Dwight K. Schrute: What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with Saint Nicolas's rural German companion, Belsnickel.
Jim: Yes! That! That! That! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?
Stanley: No. I want Tropical Christmas.
Meredith: Topless Christmas.
Creed: Tapas Swiss Miss.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: Spanish tapas, and Swiss Miss Hot cocoa. What's so hard to understand?
Phyllis: We found some old decorations in the warehouse. Oscar ran to the store for some food and drink, and I dipped into my stash of eggnog. I guess they needed me after all. It's like in it's a wonderful life when Jimmy Stewart realizes that all those people at the building and loan were just jerks, and he was the real hero.
Michael Scott: Earlier today this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now, it needs a Michael. And that's one suit Phyllis cannot fit into.
Dwight K. Schrute: What is this?
Jim: Happy holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas.
Dwight K. Schrute: You are so pathetic. How long did this take you? 3 hours?
Jim: Five minutes, actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid. Well, I hope it was worth it, 'cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes.
Jim: I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my... [Dwight falls to the ground as he puts his briefcase on his table and goes to sit in his chair, which turn out to be made of paper]
Dwight K. Schrute: [cackling] Oh! [In a German Accent] Judgment is nigh, for the Belsnickel ist I!
Jim: Yes, he is finally nigh.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am nigh!
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Every year, my grandfather would dress up as Belsnickel at Christmas. He was... okay at it. I am great. You know how they say some people were born to be bad? Well, I was born to be Belsnickel.
Michael Scott: Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time.
Pam: I've been working forever on Jim's present. He always gives me the best Christmas gifts. He'll take a memory or a private joke, and he'll create something totally unique. I love them. So this year I made him something. A comic book. It stars Jimmy Halpert, a mild-mannered paper salesman who, while riding his bike through the forest, is bitten by a radioactive bear, becomes 'bear man'. Wreaks havoc on the office. It's really good.
Kevin: I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't.
Andy: This party'll cheer you right up.
Robert: I hope so. The corporate party was wretched. I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas. It's rock-n-roll for people who don't like rock-n-roll. It's rap for people who don't like rap. It's pop for people who don't like pop...
Kevin: Why did you get it so big?
Michael Scott: A, that's what she said, and, B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year.
Kevin: But what are we gonna do with this hacked-off part?
Michael Scott: Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin, and we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about.
Pete: I'm just hoping German terrorists don't take over this Christmas party. Make me go all John McClane on their asses.
Erin: Wait, German terrorists? That's oddly specific. And I think- I think you mean John McCain.
Pete: "Die Hard" reference.
Erin: I haven't seen it.
Pete: You haven't seen "Die Hard"?
Pam: What is it? [Jim lifts the hog maw with a fork] Don't touch it.
Dwight K. Schrute: [Comes running up at startles Pam] Somebody's found the hog maw.
Dwight K. Schrute: What? It's a Pennsylvania Dutch specialty. Hog maw. That's a beauty, isn't it? I don't even want to tell you what it's made of until after you try it.
Stanley: Ugh. I'm not eating mystery meat.
Dwight K. Schrute: It is stuffed pig stomach. And, after we finish it, we get to break the pig rib.
Meredith: Weird. Where are the sugar cookies? Where's the karaoke machine?
Dwight K. Schrute: This is austere, Meredith. This is celebrating Christmas for all of the right reasons. The cookies and toys and sweets are mere distractions. I mean, most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a shepherd's crook, which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.
Oscar: How would anyone even know-
Dwight K. Schrute: Have you ever tasted a shepherd's crook?
Dwight K. Schrute: Ooh, belsnickel has traveled from distant lands to discover how all the boys and the girls have been behaving this last year. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! [pokes Stanley's stomach with a stick] Oh, too much strudel.
Jim: So he's kind of like Santa, except dirty and worse.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, much better. No one fears Santa the way they fear Belsnickel.
Jim: Wow! It's my favorite part of Christmas. The authority.
Pam: And the fear.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, exactly!
Dwight K. Schrute: My diabolical plot is on hold for Christmas. My heart just melts with the sound of children singing. Hmph! [laughs] Not really! I'm just tired. The days are short. I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed.
Michael Scott: Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, pimp. [laughs] I'm kidding. What do we got? What do we got? How many plates are we getting?
Michael Scott: Double it. Double everything. Double ice cream. Double napkins. Double it. On me.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: It was a tough year. I had to fire somebody this year. This party has to really rock. Check it out. Christmas bonus, 3,000 Gs. I got this for helping save the company money. So I guess some good came out of firing Devon after all. Maybe I should call him and tell him that.
Dwight K. Schrute: [German accent] Take a bowl and pass it down.
Phyllis: Thank you, Dwight. These are nice.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, these are gift bowls. When you receive a gift, it will go in the bowl, but the bowls must be returned at the end. They're a set. Now, hold your bowls forward. The Belsnickel will decide if you are impish or admirable.
Jim: Oh, it's like naughty or nice.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, impish or admirable.
Jim: Quick question: Do you just decide who gets what in the moment, or did you make a list?
Dwight K. Schrute: I decided earlier.
Jim: Oh, nice. Did you check that list?
Dwight K. Schrute: Of course I checked it.
Jim: But more than once? 'cause you could have made a mistake.
Dwight K. Schrute: I checked it more than once.
Jim: Okay, so you made a list, you checked it twice, and now you're gonna find out who's-
Dwight K. Schrute: Impish or admirable.
Dwight K. Schrute: Phyllis Vance! Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year as... admirable. [Jim claps] There you are. [Dwight selects her gift and places it in her bowl]
Phyllis: Oh. What are these?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a set of rubber gaskets for canning jars.
Phyllis: I'd rather have the bowl.
Dwight K. Schrute: You can't have the bowl!
Dwight K. Schrute: Oscar Martinez, cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year [looks over at Angela] ... as impish! [hits Oscar with a stick]
Oscar: Ow! You hit people with that thing?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, I'm carrying around the stick in order to look cool.
Erin: Hello. Sorry guys. Sorry guys. I'm not sure I've earned the right to make announcements yet. But whoever is giving me the Twelve Days of Christmas as my Secret Santa? Please stop. I can't take it anymore. My cat killed a turtledove; the French hens have started pulling out my hair to make a nest. Please. Stop.
Kelly: What psycho would send that as a gift?
[aside to camera:]
Andy: I begged Dwight and Jim to give me Erin for Secret Santa. And I decided to give Erin the Twelve days of Christmas. Is it my fault that the first eight days is basically thirty birds?
Phyllis: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas boys and girls! It's me, Santa Claus!
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey Santa!
Oscar: They finally let you do it!
Kevin: Congrats Phil!
Erin: It's so edgy!
[aside to camera:]
Phyllis: I have been wanting to be Santa for years. I believe I have the right temperament, and the figure to do the job well. I slipped a note to Jim eleven weeks ago, and he said I could do it. [laughs] Oh, it's been a long journey, but [sniffles] I'm Santa Claus!
Pam: So, Santa, what can we expect from this party?
Phyllis: It's going to be a very jolly time if you've been good!
Creed: What if you've been bad?
Phyllis: Oh then nothing but a lump of coal for you!
Creed: What if you've been really, really bad? More evil, and strictly wrong?
Jim: Hey, Creed, we covered it. Lump of coal!
Michael Scott: I got it. We are going to turn Secret Santa into Yankee Swap.
Jim: What is Yankee Swap?
Michael Scott: One person chooses a gift. The next person can either choose a gift or steal that person's gift. If your gift gets stolen, then you can steal someone else's gift or choose a new gift.
Jim: I thought that was called Nasty Christmas.
Pam: Yeah, we call it White Elephant.
Michael Scott: Well, I call it fun!
Michael Scott: You know what, Christmas isn't about Santa, or Jesus. It's about the workplace. All of you feel like my family. Ryan, you are my son. And Pam, you're my wife. And Jim. And Angela and Phyllis, you are my Grandmas. And Stanley, you're our mailman. And I can't help but look at all your wonderful beautiful faces and think, "How could they do this to us?"
Dwight K. Schrute: He was already dead, and we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious, smoky, rich flavor. Plus, you can use the molten goose grease, and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease.
Dwight K. Schrute: Exactly. Thank you, Jim.
Phyllis: Angela, you're going to move this for the party, right? It's not on theme.
Angela: It's the Nativity scene.
Phyllis: All right. You can keep your camel, sheep, elephant. And the North African king can stay. Everything else goes in the drawer.
Pam: Michael, what's going on?
Michael Scott: Carole and I split up. Amicably. And I just don't think it would be appropriate to celebrate under the circumstances.
Jim: Will they still air Rudolph?
Jim: That's the Christmas spirit.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to give their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that. How does that happen? The king had sex with a unicorn? A man with a horn had sex with a royal horse?
Phyllis: This is the first Christmas party I'm throwing as head of the party planning committee. The theme is "Nights in Morocco." This isn't your grandmother's Christmas party. Unless, of course, she's from Morocco, in which case it's very accurate.
Angela: I am not gonna judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will, though. And she just stuffed him into a drawer.