Christmas Quotes Page 1 of 3
Whether you've been impish or admirable, are looking forward to a Benihana or Moroccan Christmas, enjoy the best Christmas quotes from The Office as you wait for Classy Santa and Belsnickel.
Dwight K. Schrute: For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it to find himself... in jail!
Dwight K. Schrute: In a head-to-head contest, people prefer Belsnickel over Santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. It was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel.
Jim: So this year, for the first time ever, I got Pam in Secret Santa, and I got her this teapot, which I know she really wants, so she can make tea at her desk. But I'm also gonna stuff it with some inside jokes. Like, this is my high school yearbook photo. She saw it at the party, and it really makes her laugh. Not sure why. What else? This is a hot sauce packet. She put this on a hot dog a couple years ago because she thought it was ketchup. And it was really funny, so I kept the other two. This would take a little too long to explain, so I won't. And this is the card. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel.
Dwight K. Schrute: Or, who was it that suggested the authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? I think it was someone really popular.
Phyllis: We already said no.
Angela: No, no, no.
Nellie: Too weird.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. There's me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesn't come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo, matrix style.
Pam: Hey. I need to give you your Christmas gift now, because- Well, I'll just tell you.
Pam: For the past few months, I've been sending Dwight letters from the CIA.
Jim: Are you serious?
Pam: They're considering him for a top-secret mission. There's his application. Oh, and this is where I made him list every secret he promised he'd never, ever tell. "Last year, my boss, Michael Scott, took a day off because he said he had pneumonia, but, really, he was leaving early to go to magic camp." Wow. So, here's the gift. You get to decide what his top-secret mission is. Sorry I didn't wrap it.
Andy: Who's excited to get their holiday wishes?
Stanley: "Holiday wishes."
Andy: What's that, Stanley?
Stanley: We know exactly what holiday you're referring to.
Andy: It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party.
Stanley: I've been here eighteen years and have suffered through some weird thematic Christmases. A Honolulu Christmas, A Pulp Fiction Christmas, A Muslim Christmas, Moroccan Christmas. Mo-rocca Christmas. I don't want it. Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas.
Dwight K. Schrute: In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas.
Michael Scott: If this were Russia, yeah sure. Everyone would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block and once you sat on her lap and she'd ask you what you wanted, you would say, probably, "freedom." At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore.
Jim: Ah. You brought in your doll collection.
Dwight K. Schrute: These are not dolls, Jim. These are commodities, the same as gold or oil.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year it's a doll. Half girl, half unicorn. Catch phrase: "My horn can pierce the sky." Pathetic. I bought out every store in the area over the last couple of weeks. And as lazy parents become more desperate, I will sell them at an enormous profit. Isn't that right, princess?
Dwight K. Schrute: [plays a trumpet] And Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas has officially begun.
Meredith: Ugh. What is this stuff, lava?
Dwight K. Schrute: That is gluhwein, otherwise known as glow-wine, also used to sterilize medical instruments. And, interesting factoid, this is the very spoon that guided my soft skull through the birth canal when I was born. Enjoy.
Dwight K. Schrute: I have no feeling in my fingers or penis. But I think it was worth it.
Dwight K. Schrute: What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with Saint Nicolas's rural German companion, Belsnickel.
Jim: Yes! That! That! That! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?
Stanley: No. I want Tropical Christmas.
Meredith: Topless Christmas.
Creed: Tapas Swiss Miss.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: Spanish tapas, and Swiss Miss Hot cocoa. What's so hard to understand?
Michael Scott: Earlier today this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now, it needs a Michael. And that's one suit Phyllis cannot fit into.
Phyllis: We found some old decorations in the warehouse. Oscar ran to the store for some food and drink, and I dipped into my stash of eggnog. I guess they needed me after all. It's like in it's a wonderful life when Jimmy Stewart realizes that all those people at the building and loan were just jerks, and he was the real hero.
Dwight K. Schrute: What is this?
Jim: Happy holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas.
Dwight K. Schrute: You are so pathetic. How long did this take you? 3 hours?
Jim: Five minutes, actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid. Well, I hope it was worth it, 'cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes.
Jim: I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my... [Dwight falls to the ground as he puts his briefcase on his table and goes to sit in his chair, which turn out to be made of paper]
Michael Scott: Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time.
Dwight K. Schrute: [cackling] Oh! [In a German Accent] Judgment is nigh, for the Belsnickel ist I!
Jim: Yes, he is finally nigh.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am nigh!
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Every year, my grandfather would dress up as Belsnickel at Christmas. He was... okay at it. I am great. You know how they say some people were born to be bad? Well, I was born to be Belsnickel.
Andy: This party'll cheer you right up.
Robert: I hope so. The corporate party was wretched. I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas. It's rock-n-roll for people who don't like rock-n-roll. It's rap for people who don't like rap. It's pop for people who don't like pop...
Pam: I've been working forever on Jim's present. He always gives me the best Christmas gifts. He'll take a memory or a private joke, and he'll create something totally unique. I love them. So this year I made him something. A comic book. It stars Jimmy Halpert, a mild-mannered paper salesman who, while riding his bike through the forest, is bitten by a radioactive bear, becomes 'bear man'. Wreaks havoc on the office. It's really good.