Kevin Malone Quotes Page 1 of 13

Quote from Work Bus

Jim: Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so...
Kevin: At five? That's only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare.
Angela: So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head?
Kevin: We...
Oscar: Hold on. Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?
Kevin: 314 pies.
Oscar: What if it were salads?
Kevin: Well, it's the... Carry the four... And... It doesn't work.

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Quote from Garage Sale

Andy: Oh, my gosh. You have the Dallas board game?
Kevin: Yeah, when I was a kid I was on Dallas.
Andy: Really?
Kevin: Yeah. We missed our connecting flight and we spent the entire day on Dallas. Then we spent a week on Hawaii. I was on heaven.

Quote from New Guys

Angela: Well, I need to give my cat up for adoption.
Kevin: The one who uses the doorbell, or the one with the Mexican hat, or the one with the rain galoshes, or the one you let go around naked?
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: Angela's cats are cute. So cute that you just want to eat them. But you can't eat cats. You can't eat cats, Kevin.

Quote from Safety Training

Kevin: If someone gives you 10,000 to one on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.

Quote from The Delivery

Pam: Kevin, you're such a gourmand.
Kevin: I cooked my way through Julia Childs' cookbook, and now, I'm halfway through the Twilight cookbook. Last night, I had Edward's corn flake chicken.
Pam: Hmm.
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: Pregnant Pam and I, we get hungry at the same times, so we've been eating together a lot. Not all meals. Just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, and first dinner.

Quote from Gettysburg

Ryan: Robert, I hate to interrupt. But I would love to pitch you one last idea. I call it the Big Mac idea.
Kevin: What?!? No!
Robert: Big Mac idea. That sounds encouraging.
Ryan: It's really, really good Robert. Let me explain.
Kevin: No! This is not fair! This is my idea. He's trying to steal it because he's jealous of me.
Robert: Well, what is the idea?
Kevin: Every time you buy a Big Mac you set one ingredient aside. Then at the end of the week you have a free Big Mac. And you love it even more because you made it with your own hands.
Ryan: You know what? Now, I remember. That was your idea. That is 100 percent your idea.
Robert: [nervous chuckle] Oh, my. It was just actually cookies the whole time?

Quote from Fundraiser

Kevin: Sometimes I feel like every one I work with is an idiot. And by sometimes, I mean all times. All the times. Every of the times!

Quote from New Guys

Kevin: Oh, what a summer! An emotional roller-coaster. I ran over a turtle in the parking lot, but then I saved him by gluing his shell back together. But I'm not that good at puzzles. So I patched him with stuff from around the office. But I couldn't get the pieces to fit right. Then, one day, when I was reaching for the glue, I crushed his shell again. But I rebuilt him even better that time. But it turned out the turtle was already dead. Probably when I ran over him the first time.

Quote from Vandalism

Senator: Well, have we all calmed down yet?
Oscar: Yes. Sorry about that.
Angela: It was all my fault.
Senator: Let's all try to do better next time. Kevin, great to see you.
Kevin: Yeah. Thank you for the food. Oh, and also, you suck.
Senator: I beg your pardon.
Kevin: You are, like, a terrible person. These guys care about you and you're just using them. Again, the food was very good.

Quote from Finale

Kevin: If there is one thing that I have learned through this whole experience, it's that if you film anybody long enough, they're going to do something stupid. It's only human natural.

Quote from Fundraiser

Kevin: So Dwight doesn't understand silent auctions. I guess he's the stupid guy in the office, huh? Up till now, we didn't have one!

Quote from Mafia

Kevin: Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day, I came in, and I just stayed, 'cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks.

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