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47Quotes from ‘The Promotion’

The Office: The Promotion

603. The Promotion

Aired October 1, 2009

Jim struggles with his new responsibilities as co-manager with Michael when David informs them that there will be no cost of living raises this year.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I've been studying Michael for years, and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart. How Michael spends his time. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others, and this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger, so that you could see it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: People are starting to notice how terrible Jim is. It's great. Eventually, they'll rise up and revolt. My only hope is that they do it sooner rather than later. If the people here were our founding fathers, the Revolutionary War would have been delayed ten years. Because Stanley Washington was napping. And Phyllis Hancock was still signing the declaration. And Kevin Jefferson was distracted by a butterfly.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that any organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I love rivalries. Michael or Jim, Paris or Nicole, Heidi or L.C. It's so much fun. But I guess if I'm really thinking about it and answering your question honestly, I'd have to go with L.C. Heidi's a bad friend, and her skin is terrible.

Quote from Pam

Phyllis: Hey, did you guys register for wedding gifts?
Pam: We did, but mostly because people expect us to. We're also accepting other gifts not on the registry... However much.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: It's awkward asking people for money, but we could really use it. Why doesn't Crate & Barrel let you register for a toaster full of cash?

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Okay, maybe we should talk specifics.
Michael Scott: Let's do.
Jim: Okay. Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets.
Michael Scott: N- Well, to be fair, Jim... James... Jimothy... To be fair, Jimothy, the- Ah, that sounds weird. Are you okay with being called Jim?
Jim: I am.
Michael Scott: Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets at first, we were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon? So you draw a line from there to the other planets, and I think by the end, we all learned a little bit about how small we are.
Jim: Yes, I agree.
Michael Scott: Because it's a big universe, and we're all just little, tiny specks of dust.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: I just think that maybe they're eating large amounts of the day.
Michael Scott: You know what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep, it's light out, you wake up, it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.
Jim: You mean on a weekend?
Michael Scott: ... Yes.

Quote from Ryan

Phyllis: What's going on?
Pam: I need to fit into my wedding dress. However, I'm also pregnant. [eats donut]
Ryan: You know, it's a myth that women have to gain more than nine pounds in a pregnancy. Look at these actresses. Some of them lose weight.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Hey, why haven't we ever, um...
Meredith: We have.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Okay. You know what would help is a pros and cons list for our options.
Michael Scott: Jim, don't take this the wrong way. Are you gonna take this the wrong way?
Jim: It's hard to tell so far.
Michael Scott: You use your brain too much.
Jim: I'm sorry, are you advocating that I use it less?
Michael Scott: Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all.
Jim: You just came up with that.
Michael Scott: As I was saying it.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Hey, Pam, I heard that you were registered, but I didn't hear where.
Pam: I don't think we registered anywhere. We just want cash.
Kevin: Like money? Like you- You want my money?
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Kevin: Will you take a check?
Pam: Yeah.
Kevin: Cool. In the memo line, I'm gonna write, "To love's eternal glory."
Pam: Okay.
Kevin: Wait til' Monday.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Is this what I've become? Materialistic? Shallow? I feel horrible. [looks down at the check] Oh, look! "Mrs. Pam Halpert!" That's the first time I've seen it in writing!

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: You know, the more I think about it, the more I think we should give it to the salesmen.
Michael Scott: That will not go over well.
Jim: I know. I just think it seems smart to keep the salesmen happy right now. 'course I know that this might come off as biased, so you know what? Let us...
Michael Scott: Oh, my God! Are you gonna make another pro and con list? I'm gonna kill myself.
Jim: I'm not gonna let you stop me from thinking.
Michael Scott: No! I could not do that, Jim. I can see it in your crusty little eyes that you are going to make everything perfect. If I can just think this through, if I could just think it exactly right, I can make this perfect, and then I can go down every avenue, and every avenue off of that avenue, and then another avenue.

Quote from Oscar

Jim: Could I have everyone's attention, please? I have some tough news, so I'm just gonna give it to you straight. Truth is, we only have so much money for raises this year, so the simple fact is some people will get raises, and some people won't. Now, what we've decided is, we are gonna give those raises to the sales staff.
Meredith: Wait. Seriously?!
Jim: Look, you guys are smart, so I'm just leveling with you. I'm just trying to treat you like adults.
Oscar: Thank you, Jim, for thinking that we're smart people.
Angela: But, I do not understand. If we're such smart adults, then why don't we get raises?
Oscar: Excellent question, genius. It's because Jim wants to give the raises to his friends and the people he sleeps with.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: What's going on?
Kevin: Jim is only giving raises to the salesmen.
Kelly: What the hell? Why are you being such a jerk?
Oscar: Hold on, Kelly. Would it help you to know that Jim thinks you're smart?
Kelly: No! How is that gonna repair Ryan's car?!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: This is ridiculous! How could he do this to us?!
Jim: Okay, Dwight, you know what? You'd be getting the raise so...
Dwight K. Schrute: What about all these people, huh? How is it fair to them?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Oscar: We work just as hard as the sales people. We deserve raises.
Creed: Yes.
Angela: Yes. They don't get 'em, if we don't get 'em!
Meredith: My kid needs shoes! You want to tell him he doesn't get shoes?!
Kevin: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Her kid needs shoes, Jim!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Kevin: Yeah, I don't understand how they can even consider giving money to some people and not the rest of us.
Angela: It's not like we're not gonna see the checks. We're in accounting!
Meredith: I am so pissed at this company!
Dwight K. Schrute: [out the side of his mouth] And Jim!
Meredith: Yeah. Who said that?
Dwight K. Schrute: I think it was Creed.
Creed: Yep.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Are we idiots? What right does Jim have to claim authority, hmm? Is he as good a salesman as I? Is he as matronly as Phyllis? There are moments where we can effect change. For a few seconds every decade, we exist. These are those seconds! Let us storm his castle! Come on! Tick. Let's get him. Tock. Let's get Jim! Tick. And drag Jim out of his office! Tock. Take his keys away from him! Tick. It's a clock! The time is getting very close! It's now or never! What say you?!
Phyllis: I say no.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, I mean, what do you say to my plan? [all groan] Okay.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Michael's my only friend left in the office. Except Pam... I think. Is she still upset?

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Heard you guys are looking for cash for the wedding?
Pam: Yeah, I mean, if it's all the same for you.
Ryan: Question for you. Would you guys rather have $100 now, or $5,000 a year from now?
Pam: $100 now for sure.
Ryan: Because you just give me $50 to cover the broker fee, I put in a hundred of my own money as the gift...
Pam: Yeah. No, no, I'll um... The hundred. I'll just take the hundred.
Ryan: Instead of $5,000 a year from now?
Pam: How sure is this?
[aside to camera:]
Pam: The guy has an algorithm to determine the winner of any given college basketball game. Don't tell Jim.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [in Michael's office] Could you please sign my expense report?
Michael Scott: No way, no how. Expense reports are a day-to-day item. That is Jim's now. I am exclusively big picture, epic.
Dwight K. Schrute: [in Jim's office] Sign this.
Jim: Ah, ah, ah. Where's the "please"? We're not animals.
Dwight K. Schrute: Sign it.
Jim: No, not without a "please."
Dwight K. Schrute: Idiot.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: [in Michael's office] I have a complaint about Jim.
Michael Scott: That is not big picture.
Dwight K. Schrute: I would like to file a huge, enormous, massive complaint about the tallest guy in our office.
Michael Scott: [considering] Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim won't sign my expense report.
Michael Scott: That is not- Okay- That is day-to-day.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, that is huge.
Michael Scott: You're trying to trick me.
Dwight K. Schrute: This has to do-
Michael Scott: Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [in Jim's office] I'd like to lodge a complaint.
Jim: I'm sorry to hear about that. Who is this about?
Dwight K. Schrute: You!
Jim: Okay. Just want to let you know I take complaints very seriously. So... When did this happen?
Dwight K. Schrute: One minute ago.
Jim: Okay. And how do you feel?
Dwight K. Schrute: Angry.
Jim: All right. Did he hit you?
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Jim: Did you cry?
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Jim: Did you feel like crying?
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Jim: I'm just gonna write "held back tears."
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, stop writing that. That is not true.
Jim: If you stop crying, I'll stop writing it.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not cr- Uh!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I deserved that promotion, not Jim. Oh, man. Makes me want to put him in a triangle choke hold and force him down to the ground and just keep pressing and pressing. And then flip him over and then put him in a hammer lock! And he's gasping, he's panting! Every last breath! And the crowd is going crazy. And boom! I emerge victorious! [claps hands and stands up] Aha! $18,000 and a chance at the title! Ooh hah!
Erin: Dwight, Jim wants you to keep it down.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Everyone, now would be a good time to freshen up, because I'd like everyone to meet in the conference room in five minutes. And I suggest that you bring a snack, because we may be in there for a while.
Jim: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yes?
Jim: Can I talk to you in my office for a second?
Michael Scott: Mmm, sure, but could I first talk to you in my office?

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Can I also be a boss?

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: I have noticed that we-
Michael Scott: Welcome.
Jim: Thank you. I've noticed we've been having a lot of conference room meetings.
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And I'm wondering if perhaps those are a bit, um...
Michael Scott: Disruptive.
Jim: Yes.
Michael Scott: No, I don't think they are. I think the meetings are very important.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: How about this? I think our goal should be we don't have meetings unless they're absolutely essential.
Michael Scott: All right. No more meetings this week.
Jim: Really? You just agreed to that?
Michael Scott: I can be very surprising.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Perfect. I hate registries.
Pam: Oh, good.
Phyllis: My cousin makes the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes. I know I shouldn't tell you, but you'll still be surprised when you see it. You're not registered for a birdhouse, are you?
Pam: No, we're not.
Phyllis: Good. Good.

Quote from Michael Scott

[Jim enters Michael's office and sees Oscar, Stanley, Creed and Kelly sitting there]
Jim: Okay, I thought I saw people missing.
Michael Scott: Yeah, just focus-grouping a product expansion idea to these folks. Got one of each.
Jim: Really? Hey, Stanley, what was the last thing Michael said before I came through the door?
Michael Scott: Stanley, you don't need to answer that.
Jim: Stanley?
Stanley: "If you don't smell this, you're fired."

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It is one thing, me giving you the co-manager title. It is another thing, you bossing me around.
Jim: I'm not bossing you around. I'm trying to do my job, which is sharing your job, so maybe we should just call David Wallace.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. No, we will not call David Wallace. I will call David Wallace.
Erin: David Wallace is on line two for you guys.
Michael Scott: Or David Wallace will call us on line two.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: [on speaker phone] Hey, guys. Um, I'm calling, because, unfortunately, we will not be able to give out cost of living raises this year, and I know people expect it. However, there just is only a small amount of money for each branch, so we're leaving it up to the managers to decide how to distribute it.
Michael Scott: Got it, Dave. Sounds like your classic big-picture decision.
Jim: Which will clearly affect the day-to-day well-being of our employees.
David: It's probably a little of both.
Michael Scott: Which is it more of?
David: Excuse me?
Jim: David, I know that I'm very new at this, but I have a very good perspective on how things work.
David: Wait, I'm sorry. Michael, are you- Are you texting me?
Michael Scott: I thought maybe we could talk after this is over.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: All right, I am looking forward to this.
Jim: You don't have to lie.
Michael Scott: I hate the fact that we have to do this together. I think we work better separately. When I am irritated and I look at you, I don't see you anymore.
Jim: Right.
Michael Scott: All I can see is how big and gross the pores on your nose are.
Jim: All right. Let's get started.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: You know, there's no easy way to do this. I say we add 1.5% to their paychecks and don't say anything about it.
Jim: Do you mean, like break-in in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll?
Michael Scott: No, we can do it during the day. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Okay, so for the 1.5% increase, pro: everyone gets a little bit.
Michael Scott: [nerdy voice] Con: you look like a nerd.
Jim: Con: no one gets as much as they did last year.
Michael Scott: Pro: you get to share your pros and cons list with the other nerds.
Jim: Pro: no favoritism.
Michael Scott: Con: you unzip your pants, and you find that there's a calculator down there.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Look, you have a lot of strengths.
Michael Scott: Oh, I do? Tell me what they are.
Jim: I think that you are able to take constructive criticism very well.
Michael Scott: Ha! That- I am not known for that!
Jim: But there is a reason why I'm here!
Michael Scott: Yes! You went over my head to Wallace!
Jim: No, it's because you also have a lot of weaknesses, Michael!
Michael Scott: Okay. Well, why don't you tell me what those are, Jim? Why don't you enliven me?

Quote from Jim

Jim: I don't think you're good at making tough decisions!
Michael Scott: Ah.
Jim: At thinking out the options, and then stating that decision very clearly, especially when it's an unpopular decision.
Michael Scott: Okay, here's a tough decision for you. You suck! You suck! Is that clear enough for you?!
Jim: Michael. Wait. But maybe I'm here for a reason, because I might have some good ideas, too. I've been sitting out there, and I've been learning a lot, and maybe I can just bring something different to the table.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Wow! I'm just gonna rewind and back off a bit, so... [imitates a tape rewinding, nobody laughs]
Michael Scott: [coming to Jim's aid, chuckling] That was good! That was good! Okay, all right. Well, we all know it's hard to be a boss, right? You know what? Look around you. These are your best friends. These are the people who will open their hearts to you. They all have heart-ons for you and that is a gift. So in terms of gifts, we should be giving each other gifts. Angela, yes, lend Oscar a cup of sugar. This-
Angela: What are you talking about Michael?
Stanley: We just need to hear your plan for our raise.
Michael Scott: My plan. A man. Panama.
Andy: That's not how that goes.

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: [to Michael] You're not saying anything. At least Jim was being direct...
Jim: Thank you, Meredith.
Meredith: ...when he was telling us his dumb-ass plan.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: We would just like to know what's happening. Are we getting a raise, yes or no?
Michael Scott: All right. Let me get this clear. Does everybody want a raise? All right, everyone wants a raise, so what we're going to do is go into here, and we will not come out until we do.
Oscar: Again, that gives us no information.
Phyllis: This isn't a game, you know? It's our livelihood!

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: What about a raise based on merit?
Jim: Rank each person individually?
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm. Piece of cake. Ryan, obviously the best.
Jim: [sarcastically] Well, obviously. Too bad he's a temp and doesn't count, so let's get started.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: It's going really well, actually. Each Boston Baked Bean represents half a percent raise. We each got 24 beans, so the idea is, you place the bean on the picture [walking around the table] of who you think deserves- Who's that?
Michael Scott: Toby.
Jim: He's not a part of this. You know that.
Michael Scott: Just wanted to draw a picture of him.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Come on in. That's right. Come in, feast your eyes. They determine our worth by putting beans upon our faces.
Oscar: What the hell?!
Dwight K. Schrute: Things were not this bad when just Michael was manager.
Michael Scott: Hey, what are you guys doing in here?
Kevin: What does a bean mean?
Pam: Why aren't there any beans on this very old, frizzy-haired picture of me?
Kevin: Michael, what does a bean mean?
Pam: Jim?
Jim: I was just trying to be unbiased.

Quote from Phyllis

Kevin: What does a bean mean?!
Oscar: Someone please explain it to Kevin.
Meredith: Why can't you? My time is just as valuable as yours.
Phyllis: Not according to the beans.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: How you doing?
Jim: Uh, on a scale of one to ten, I'd say I'm about a four.
Michael Scott: Oh, what are you usually?
Jim: Six. You?
Michael Scott: Usually a ten, but I'm feeling like a zero.
Jim: I mean, a performance-based raise sounded like a good idea, right?
Michael Scott: I know, I know.
Jim: We tried to find the fairest way to do it.
Michael Scott: Yes, we did.
Jim: I just- What?
Michael Scott: Um, nothing. I just... I used to have to do this part alone, and it was the worst. So I have something I would like to give you.

Quote from Michael Scott

[Michael give Jim a "World's Best Boss" mug]
Jim: Thank you.
Michael Scott: You are welcome.
Jim: What's in here?
Michael Scott: Gin.


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