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‘The Promotion’ Quotes

The Office: The Promotion

603. The Promotion

Aired October 1, 2009

Jim struggles with his new responsibilities as co-manager with Michael when David informs them that there will be no cost of living raises this year.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I've been studying Michael for years, and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart. How Michael spends his time. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others, and this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger, so that you could see it.

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: People are starting to notice how terrible Jim is. It's great. Eventually, they'll rise up and revolt. My only hope is that they do it sooner rather than later. If the people here were our founding fathers, the Revolutionary War would have been delayed ten years. Because Stanley Washington was napping. And Phyllis Hancock was still signing the declaration. And Kevin Jefferson was distracted by a butterfly.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that any organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I love rivalries. Michael or Jim, Paris or Nicole, Heidi or L.C. It's so much fun. But I guess if I'm really thinking about it and answering your question honestly, I'd have to go with L.C. Heidi's a bad friend, and her skin is terrible.

Quote from Pam

Phyllis: Hey, did you guys register for wedding gifts?
Pam: We did, but mostly because people expect us to. We're also accepting other gifts not on the registry... However much.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: It's awkward asking people for money, but we could really use it. Why doesn't Crate & Barrel let you register for a toaster full of cash?

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Okay, maybe we should talk specifics.
Michael Scott: Let's do.
Jim: Okay. Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets.
Michael Scott: N- Well, to be fair, Jim... James... Jimothy... To be fair, Jimothy, the- Ah, that sounds weird. Are you okay with being called Jim?
Jim: I am.
Michael Scott: Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets at first, we were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon? So you draw a line from there to the other planets, and I think by the end, we all learned a little bit about how small we are.
Jim: Yes, I agree.
Michael Scott: Because it's a big universe, and we're all just little, tiny specks of dust.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: I just think that maybe they're eating large amounts of the day.
Michael Scott: You know what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep, it's light out, you wake up, it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.
Jim: You mean on a weekend?
Michael Scott: ... Yes.

Quote from Ryan

Phyllis: What's going on?
Pam: I need to fit into my wedding dress. However, I'm also pregnant. [eats donut]
Ryan: You know, it's a myth that women have to gain more than nine pounds in a pregnancy. Look at these actresses. Some of them lose weight.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Hey, why haven't we ever, um...
Meredith: We have.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Okay. You know what would help is a pros and cons list for our options.
Michael Scott: Jim, don't take this the wrong way. Are you gonna take this the wrong way?
Jim: It's hard to tell so far.
Michael Scott: You use your brain too much.
Jim: I'm sorry, are you advocating that I use it less?
Michael Scott: Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all.
Jim: You just came up with that.
Michael Scott: As I was saying it.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Hey, Pam, I heard that you were registered, but I didn't hear where.
Pam: I don't think we registered anywhere. We just want cash.
Kevin: Like money? Like you- You want my money?
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Kevin: Will you take a check?
Pam: Yeah.
Kevin: Cool. In the memo line, I'm gonna write, "To love's eternal glory."
Pam: Okay.
Kevin: Wait til' Monday.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Is this what I've become? Materialistic? Shallow? I feel horrible. [looks down at the check] Oh, look! "Mrs. Pam Halpert!" That's the first time I've seen it in writing!

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: You know, the more I think about it, the more I think we should give it to the salesmen.
Michael Scott: That will not go over well.
Jim: I know. I just think it seems smart to keep the salesmen happy right now. 'course I know that this might come off as biased, so you know what? Let us...
Michael Scott: Oh, my God! Are you gonna make another pro and con list? I'm gonna kill myself.
Jim: I'm not gonna let you stop me from thinking.
Michael Scott: No! I could not do that, Jim. I can see it in your crusty little eyes that you are going to make everything perfect. If I can just think this through, if I could just think it exactly right, I can make this perfect, and then I can go down every avenue, and every avenue off of that avenue, and then another avenue.

Quote from Oscar

Jim: Could I have everyone's attention, please? I have some tough news, so I'm just gonna give it to you straight. Truth is, we only have so much money for raises this year, so the simple fact is some people will get raises, and some people won't. Now, what we've decided is, we are gonna give those raises to the sales staff.
Meredith: Wait. Seriously?!
Jim: Look, you guys are smart, so I'm just leveling with you. I'm just trying to treat you like adults.
Oscar: Thank you, Jim, for thinking that we're smart people.
Angela: But, I do not understand. If we're such smart adults, then why don't we get raises?
Oscar: Excellent question, genius. It's because Jim wants to give the raises to his friends and the people he sleeps with.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: What's going on?
Kevin: Jim is only giving raises to the salesmen.
Kelly: What the hell? Why are you being such a jerk?
Oscar: Hold on, Kelly. Would it help you to know that Jim thinks you're smart?
Kelly: No! How is that gonna repair Ryan's car?!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: This is ridiculous! How could he do this to us?!
Jim: Okay, Dwight, you know what? You'd be getting the raise so...
Dwight K. Schrute: What about all these people, huh? How is it fair to them?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Oscar: We work just as hard as the sales people. We deserve raises.
Creed: Yes.
Angela: Yes. They don't get 'em, if we don't get 'em!
Meredith: My kid needs shoes! You want to tell him he doesn't get shoes?!
Kevin: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Her kid needs shoes, Jim!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Kevin: Yeah, I don't understand how they can even consider giving money to some people and not the rest of us.
Angela: It's not like we're not gonna see the checks. We're in accounting!
Meredith: I am so pissed at this company!
Dwight K. Schrute: [out the side of his mouth] And Jim!
Meredith: Yeah. Who said that?
Dwight K. Schrute: I think it was Creed.
Creed: Yep.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Are we idiots? What right does Jim have to claim authority, hmm? Is he as good a salesman as I? Is he as matronly as Phyllis? There are moments where we can effect change. For a few seconds every decade, we exist. These are those seconds! Let us storm his castle! Come on! Tick. Let's get him. Tock. Let's get Jim! Tick. And drag Jim out of his office! Tock. Take his keys away from him! Tick. It's a clock! The time is getting very close! It's now or never! What say you?!
Phyllis: I say no.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, I mean, what do you say to my plan? [all groan] Okay.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Michael's my only friend left in the office. Except Pam... I think. Is she still upset?

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Heard you guys are looking for cash for the wedding?
Pam: Yeah, I mean, if it's all the same for you.
Ryan: Question for you. Would you guys rather have $100 now, or $5,000 a year from now?
Pam: $100 now for sure.
Ryan: Because you just give me $50 to cover the broker fee, I put in a hundred of my own money as the gift...
Pam: Yeah. No, no, I'll um... The hundred. I'll just take the hundred.
Ryan: Instead of $5,000 a year from now?
Pam: How sure is this?
[aside to camera:]
Pam: The guy has an algorithm to determine the winner of any given college basketball game. Don't tell Jim.


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