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‘Dwight's Speech’ Quotes

The Office: Dwight's Speech

217. Dwight's Speech

Aired March 2, 2006

Dwight is nervous about giving a speech at a convention honoring the best salespeople. Meanwhile, Jim ponders taking a trip to get away from things.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: No revolution is worth anything unless it can [pounds the podium] defend [pounds] itself! Some people will tell you "salesman" is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers and door-to-door charlatans. This is our duty to change their perception. I say, salesmen and women of the world, unite! We must never acquiesce, for it is together- Together that we prevail! We must never cede control of the motherland! For it is...
All: Together that we prevail!
[As Dwight receives a standing ovation, he repeatedly pounds the podium with his fist]

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: All right, Dwight Schrute, everyone. Good luck, that is a tough crowd.
Dwight K. Schrute: [breathing heavily, clearing throat, pounding the podium with his fists] Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day, how long we have been striving for greatness? [pounds podium] Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work, but from the moment, as a child, when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle, [pounds] a never-ending fight! I say to you, [pounds] and you will understand, that it is a privilege to fight! [applause] We are warriors! Salesmen of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you [pounds], once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour! [laughs] Yeah! Yeah!

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Aniston.

Quote from Jim

Jim: You know, I majored in Public Speaking in college.
Dwight K. Schrute: You did?
Jim: Mmm-hmm. And the first thing that they teach you is that you've gotta be true to yourself. And you are all about authority.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. I am.
Jim: The great speakers throughout history were not joke tellers, they were people of passion. So, if you wanna do well today, you gotta do what they did.
Dwight K. Schrute: Which is?
Jim: You've gotta wave your arms, and you've gotta pound your fists many times. You're supposed to emphasize your point.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Okay, I didn't actually major in Public Speaking. But I did download speeches from some of history's famous dictators. Like this one, originally given by Benito Mussolini.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: When I was in the sixth grade, I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled in front of the entire school the word "failure."

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Excuse me! May I have your attention, please? There has been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped, there is broken glass everywhere, several people are injured.
Pam: Do we know anyone who was in the accident?
Dwight K. Schrute: Brad Pitt. Also, there will be no bonuses.
Stanley: Why would this affect our bonuses?
Dwight K. Schrute: They're unrelated.
Kelly: Is Brad okay?
Dwight K. Schrute: He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Dwight, if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Dwight K. Schrute: I can travel anywhere, except Cuba, and I will travel to New Zealand and walk The Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor, and then I will hike Mount Doom. So now, just leave me alone.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Australia? I have always wanted to go there.
Jim: I'm going. I'm a little nervous to run into Dwight on his connecting flight to Mordor, but, other than that- Yeah, I bought the ticket, non-refundable.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: That's what she said.
Dwight K. Schrute: [laughs] I don't get it.
Michael Scott: Grapes, seductive.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, they're having a sale on TiVo. Maybe I should get a TiVo. Ooh, DVD burner. Maybe I should get one of those. You are so lucky, Jim. You're so lucky you don't have this problem. What was the ninth-place prize again? A loaf of bread?
Jim: A Cugino's Pizza.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, great. Tasty, terrific pizza. Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs?

Quote from Jim

Jim: Dwight was the top salesman of the year at our company. He wins a little prize money and gets honored at some convention. It is literally the highest possible honor that a Northeastern Pennsylvania-based mid-sized paper company regional salesman can attain. So...

Quote from Pam

Pam: I have a ton of stuff to do for the wedding. And I have to do it in the office. And that can be kind of awkward. Just because people can get all weird about wedding stuff and I just- I don't want to offend Angela or someone.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Speaker at the sales convention. Been there, done that. Went there again, did it again. Two years in a row. Consecutive. I just I miss the feeling of knowing that you did a good job because somebody gives you proof of it. "Sir, you're awesome. Here's a plaque. " What, a whole year has gone by and you need more proof? "Here's a certificate." They stopped making plaques that year.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: I can't do this.
Michael Scott: That's because you're incapable of doing it, because you don't know how, because you have no skills. Dwight, there's no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, okay. But I can teach you enough so that you don't embarrass me or the company.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, deal. I'll do whatever you say, no questions asked.
Michael Scott: Well, if you have a question, you should ask me.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll try and think of one. When-
Michael Scott: Don't try to think of a question to humor me. Just try not to be such an idiot.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is that an insult, or is that part of the public speaking advice?
Michael Scott: Insult.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: I get here early every morning so I can set the thermostat. I like it a little cooler, around 66 degrees. I'm more productive. Maybe some people don't like it as cold as I do. But I don't care.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Look, it doesn't matter what you say, it just matters that you're saying something that people care about. You know? All right, here we go. Watch this. Attention, everybody! Attention, please! I have some very great news from corporate. We had a wonderful quarter. And as a result, all of you are getting bonuses for $1,000.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: Congratulations.
Pam: Unbelievable.
Oscar: It's great.
Pam: Wow.
Michael Scott: You see that? You see how they responded to me? That's amazing. In that moment, I had them.
Dwight K. Schrute: That is so great about the bonus.
Michael Scott: No, no, it's not true. I was just talking.

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: All right, we're all gonna go around the room, and we're going to make toasts. And that way, we will overcome our fear of public speaking.
Pam: You mean toastmasters?
Michael Scott: Pam! I'm public speaking, stop public interrupting me! Actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast.
Pam: Yeah, the bride doesn't really do- Have you ever been to a wedding?

Quote from Kevin

Jim: So, I am going on a trip. But I'm not really sure where I'm going yet. It's kind of open-ended. So, I was hoping maybe you guys would have some suggestions.
Kevin: You should go to Hedonism.
Jim: What is that?
Kevin: It's like Club Med, but everything is naked.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Jimmy, listen to me, you do not wanna go to Amsterdam, trust me.
Jim: Where do I wanna go?
Creed: I'd send you to Hong Kong.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: I'd like to say hi to my friends in China. [speaking in Mandarin]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, you know what, this isn't working, because I'm not nervous in front of them. They're my subordinates.
Jim: No, we're not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, you are. I'm assistant regional manager.
Jim: Which means absolutely nothing.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, can you explain?
Michael Scott: Well, it's mostly made up. So...

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: I always set it at 69.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Jim has worked at the same place for five years. Jim eats the same ham and cheese sandwich every day for lunch. I don't know, if I were a betting man, I'd say he will have a fun weekend in Philadelphia.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You would not believe what happened here.
Dwight K. Schrute: What? Something happened?
Michael Scott: Oh, this woman came in, sat down, ordered a drink. The bartender asked for her ID, which I thought was odd, because I pegged her at, like, 35.
Dwight K. Schrute: Weird.
Michael Scott: Yeah, really weird. So, she's like, "I don't have my ID, please give me one." And he's, like, "I can't do that. I can't serve you."
Dwight K. Schrute: Con artist.
Michael Scott: She might have been. So she says, "Fine. I will go to my room, I will get my purse, I will come back, I'll show you my ID." She hasn't come back yet. She's probably in the room, drinking from the mini bar. Right?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Dwight gave a great speech. That's the word on the street, anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar story. So I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys.


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