Previous Episode Next Episode 

33Quotes from ‘The Client’

The Office: The Client

207. The Client

Aired November 8, 2005

Michael joins Jan as they meet a potential new client for drinks. Meanwhile, Pam finds a screenplay Michael has been working on.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Here's what we think happened. Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie, is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight, but then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace. But that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one "Dwigt." And Dwight figured it out. Oops!

Quote from Jim

Jim: "A man, sitting several seats down, who has a gold face, turns to Michael Scarn." Um, Oscar? Do you want to play "Golden Face"?
Oscar: [clears throat] "Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet."
Dwight K. Schrute: "Yes, perhaps I would, Golden Face. Sam, get my luggage."
Ryan: "I forget it, brother."
Dwight K. Schrute: "Samuel, you are such an idiot. You are the worst assistant ever and you're disgusting. Dwigt." Wait, who's Dwigt?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: D-W-l-G-H-T.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: So when we get to the Radisson, I would like to-
Michael Scott: Oh, I changed it to Chili's.
Jan: Excuse me?
Michael Scott: Radisson, it just gives out this vibe. It's like, "Oh, I'm doing business at the Radisson." It's kind of snooty. So...
Jan: You had no right to do that, Michael.
Michael Scott: Here's the thing. "Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens." Small Businessman Magazine.
Jan: It said that?
Michael Scott: It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, probably going to go late tonight, burning the midnight tequila. So, I think you all could just take off now.
Jan: Michael, this shouldn't take more than an hour.
Michael Scott: Well...
Jan: Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?
Michael Scott: No, no. That would not be efficient. Actually, they just don't get very much work done when I'm not here. That's not true, I know how to delegate. And they do more work when I'm not here. Not more. The same amount of work is done, whether I'm here or not. Hey, everybody, listen up! This is what we're gonna do. You sit tight until I return. Sound good? Doesn't matter, it's an order. Follow it blindly. [laughs] Okay. All right, ciao. Adios! [points to Oscar]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma! In the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutie the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Michael's movie? Two thumbs down.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: I was stupid.
Michael Scott: No, no, you were not stupid. Gould was stupid, right?
Christian: That's right. You know? You were really brave. I mean, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists.
Michael Scott: That's true.
Christian: You said, "World, this is my blood, it's red, just like yours. So love me."

Quote from Michael Scott

Christian: Right down the street?
Michael Scott: Kenneth Road, born and raised. Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on moving. I know this place. I know how many hospitals we have. I know how many schools we have. It's home, you know? I know the challenges that this county is up against. Here's the thing about those discount suppliers, they don't care. They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business. And then, once we're all gone, they jack up the prices.
Christian: I know.
Michael Scott: It's bad.
Christian: It's terrible. It is.
Michael Scott: You know what? It really is.
Christian: I don't know. I guess I could give you guys our business, but you have to meet me halfway, okay, because they're expecting me to make cuts.
Michael Scott: Well, corporate's gonna go ballistic, but you think we could, Jan?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael? Michael? Michael? His car's not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Michael and his jeans. He gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens, but I can tell you he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that's why he started Casual Fridays.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: This is a projection of the county's needs.
Michael Scott: Wow. Graphs and charts. So somebody's really been doing their homework. Looks like USA Today.

Quote from Jim

Jim: So, this possible client they're talking about, actually a big deal. It's Lackawanna County, our whole county. And if we get this, they might not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years. And years. And years.

Quote from Pam

Pam: What's going on?
Jim: We are doing worst first dates.
Pam: Oh, my God, I win. Okay, it was a minor league hockey game, he brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me.
Oscar: Okay, that's a joke.
Pam: No, they had to come back for me.
Jim: Wait, when was this?
Pam: Um... It was not that long ago.
Kelly: Wait, not Roy. Say it's not your fiance. [laughs]

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: I thought we could start by going over the needs of the county.
Christian: Right. Well, Lackawanna County has not been immune to the slow economic growth over the past five years. So for us, the name of the game is budget reduction and-
Michael Scott: Awesome Blossom?
Jan: What?
Michael Scott: I think we should share an Awesome Blossom. What do you say? They are awesome. You want to, Christian? Blossom?
Christian: Sure. Sure.
Michael Scott: Okay, it's done. Actually, Megan? May we have an Awesome Blossom, please? Extra awesome. Now it is done.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Is this real?
Pam: It is a screenplay starring himself.
Jim: Agent Michael Scarn.
Pam: Of the FBI.
Jim: How long is this? Oh, Pam! Good work! Oh, wait, stop. Drawings.
Pam: What is that?
Jim: Oh, those are drawings. In case the writing didn't really put a picture in your head. And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn. Now we know what he looks like.

Quote from Jim

Jim: "Inside the FBI, Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta-Jones enters."
Phyllis: "Sir, you have some messages."
Dwight K. Schrute: "Not now!"
Phyllis: "They're important."
Dwight K. Schrute: "Okay, what are they?"
Phyllis: "The first message is, 'I love you.' That's from me."
Dwight K. Schrute: "Not in a thousand years, Catherine, we work together. And get off my desk."

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: "If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L. Chang."
Ryan: "Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight."
Dwight K. Schrute: "Thank you for noticing. Now, keep me company for one more mission."
Ryan: "But as soon as I blow out these candles."
Jim: Michael Scarn takes out a 9mm gun and shoots the cake.
Ryan: "[laughing] Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny. Word."

Quote from Jim

Jim: So I guess I'll see you in ten hours.
Pam: What are you gonna do with your time off?
Jim: Travel.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: I've been looking forward to it. It's gonna be really nice. I'm gonna find myself.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: No, nothing happened. I swear. Nothing happened. What? I'm totally being serious. A gentleman does not kiss and tell. And neither do I. No, seriously, guys, I'm not [stuttering] I don't want to go into it at all.
It's off-limits. Fine. I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while. It was great. I mean, she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm, so...

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hello, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Did you do her?
Michael Scott: Who?
Dwight K. Schrute: Jan Levinson-Gould.
Michael Scott: Uh, no, no. No Gould.
Dwight K. Schrute: Did you do her?
Michael Scott: This is none of your affair. Because she is your boss.
Dwight K. Schrute: And she is your boss.
Michael Scott: And she is a woman. She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman. And you know what? I don't think I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. Jan, I defend your honor. Is that all?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question, do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior? I don't know. That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [answering the phone] Hello? Hi. Just talking about you. To the camera? No. Uh-huh. How's traffic? I miss you. What? Okay. Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake. No. Could you just- [softly] No, I did not intentionally get you drunk. Mmm-hmm. No, no. [ducking under his desk] This is just a fight. This is just the first of many fights we're going to have. Right. No! See, you- I don't understand. You want to see other people? Only other people? Why? Okay, I think you're still a little bit drunk. Excuse me. Excuse me? I think you're- Yes, why don't you just come back here? We can go to the hotel, have a few drinks. No, I didn't slip you something.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Some might even say we had our first date last night.
Pam: Oh, really?
Jim: Really.
Pam: Why might some say that?
Jim: 'cause there was dinner by candlelight.
Pam: Mmm-hmm.
Jim: Dinner and a show, if you include Michael's movie. And there was dancing and fireworks. Pretty good date.
Pam: We didn't dance.
Jim: You're right. We didn't dance. It was more like swaying. But it's still romantic.
Pam: Swaying isn't dancing.
Jim: At least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Okay, we didn't dance. And I was totally joking, anyway. I mean It's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance. Right?

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: She had done a background check on me. She had it printed out.
Jim: No.
Oscar: Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner.
Ryan: That is unbelievable.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Jan, what happened?
Jan: Michael.
Michael Scott: Is Gould dead? What-
Jan: Michael, we got divorced, okay?
Michael Scott: I'm so sorry, excuse me. Wow, you're kidding me. Do you want to talk about it?
Jan: Michael. Could we have a table for three, please?
Michael Scott: When did this happen?
Jan: We're in a meeting.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Okay, you want me to read them?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Pam: Okay. "A fisherman is walking down Fifth Avenue, leading an animal behind him when-"
Michael Scott: No, no. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one.
Pam: Okay. "There's a transcript between a naval ship-"
Michael Scott: Okay! Bingo! And a lighthouse. Yes. That is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning?
Pam: Sure. "There's a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse..."

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: The first guy says, "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." And the third guy says, "I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe."
Christian: [laughing] Oh, no! No! Oh, my God, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose!
Jan: Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please?

Quote from Jim

Jim: Do we all have our copy of Threat Level Midnight by Michael Scott?
Kevin: Yeah.
Oscar: Oh, yeah.
Jim: All right, let's get this started. I'm gonna be reading the action descriptions and, Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Phyllis: That's the character's name?
Jim: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: That's why I wanted a signal between us, so I wouldn't have to just shout nonsense words. That's her fault.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Did somebody say, "baby back ribs"? Hmm? Hmm?
Jan: I don't think Christian has time for that.
Michael Scott: I have time. [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back [Christian joins in] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back I want my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back Chili's baby-back ribs I want my baby-back, baby-back...


 Episode 206 Episode 208