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‘Diwali’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Office: Diwali

306. Diwali

Aired November 2, 2006

As the staff from the Scranton branch join Kelly at a Diwali celebration, Jim and Andy work a late night at the Stamford office with the help of some liquor.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Kelly, I'll take this one. Diwali is a celebration of the coronation of the God-king Rama after his epic battle with Ravana, the demon-king of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil.
Michael Scott: All right. All right. This isn't Lord of the Rings.


Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: My Indian cultural seminar was going great until Toby decided he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It's just sex, people, everybody does it. I'm doing it with Carole probably tonight.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Now a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million and that's true, but it's also not true, because frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world. Here are some famous Indians. [taking out a note] Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar. He is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist. Impressive. Apu from The Simpsons. Hilarious Indian. M. Night Shyamalan, The Village, Unbreakable, Sixth Sense-
Dwight K. Schrute: "I see dead people."
Michael Scott: Okay. Spoiler alert.
Dwight K. Schrute: He was dead the whole time.
Michael Scott: Just stop it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean, look at that. Who has seen that before?
Creed: I have, that's Union of the Monkey.
Meredith: Oh, that's what they call it.
Kevin: This is the best meeting we have ever had.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Kevin.
Angela: You know, I find this incredibly offensive.
Michael Scott: Well, I find it beautiful.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it, "It's- I have- It's so super fun and it's gonna be great." A lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later you find out that it's essentially a Hindu Halloween.

Quote from Michael Scott

Angela: Don't go. They eat monkey brains.
Michael Scott: Hey, hey, hey. Stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do, sign me up because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional. It's important that this company celebrates its diversity. And you know what, Stanley, come Kwanza time, I have got you covered, baby.
Stanley: I don't celebrate Kwanza.
Michael Scott: Really? You should. It's fun.

Quote from Kelly

Michael Scott: Diwali is a very important holiday for the Hindus. But frankly, I'm a little appalled that none of you know very much about Indian culture. So, without further ado, Kelly, you are on!
Kelly: Diwali is awesome and there's food and there's gonna be dancing, and I got the raddest outfit.
Michael Scott: Kelly?
Kelly: It has sparkles-
Michael Scott: Why don't you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday?
Kelly: Oh, I don't know. It's really old, I think.
Angela: How many gods do you have?
Kelly: Like hundreds, I think, maybe more. I don't know.

Quote from Andy

Andy: We have such a roller-coaster thing, Karen and I.
Jim: Excuse me?
Andy: Roller-coastery friendship. Hot and cold, on again, off again, sexual tension-filled type of deal. It's very Sam and Diane.
Jim: Wow.
Andy: Yeah? From Cheers.
Jim: Yeah.

Quote from Ryan

Kelly: Ruka, Nipa, Tiffany. Stop acting like such little losers and just be cool. Come on, Ryan. Come on. Leave him alone. I hate you guys.
Ryan: They said something about Zach Braff.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I didn't come to Diwali to get yelled at.
Kelly's Mom: Ryan is a temporary worker. Makes no money. Vali is a whole doctor, so handsome.
Makes good money-
Kelly: Do you think I want to date a doctor?
Kelly's Mom: -And he's a perfect match.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Well, I was a temp, but I got promoted. So the compensation is a lot more competitive.
Kelly's Mom: So you're saving money now to start a family and home?
Ryan: Oh, or travel? And, um, buy an Xbox.
Kelly's Dad: Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight?

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: These are not my shoes. This is just like that show Taxicab Confessions-
Pam: If you say one more word, I'm stopping the car.
Michael Scott: Sorry.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: This is going out to Indians everywhere. It's a tribute to one of the greats, Mr. Adam Sandler. [singing] Diwali is a festival of lights Let me tell you something Tonight has been one crazy night So put on your saris It's time to celebrate Diwali Everybody looks so jolly but it's not Christmas, it's Diwali The goddess of destruction, Kali stopped by to celebrate Diwali Don't invite any zombies to a celebration of Diwali Along Came Polly to have some fun at Diwali If you're Indian and you love to party have a happy, happy, happy happy Diwali! Happy Diwali!

Quote from Michael Scott

Kelly: You look so handsome.
Pam: You really do. I love the material.
Kelly: I know.
Michael Scott: How come you didn't get me one?

Quote from Meredith

Pam: I actually might not go. I'm feeling kind of tired.
Meredith: Do you want to make Appletinis and watch Sex and the City at my place?
Pam: Oh, I don't know. I haven't decided yet.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I love the people here. And if there was one thing I don't really care for, is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don't want them embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carole.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I started biking to work. Josh does it and he lives a lot farther away than I do. And also it saves gas money, keeps me in shape, helps the environment and now I know it makes me really sweaty for work.

Quote from Toby

Angela: Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine, but we shouldn't all be subjected to it.
Toby: Actually, she's right. This is inappropriate. Why don't I take these?
Michael Scott: No, you're not going to collect them.
Toby: Yeah.
Michael Scott: No, this is a delightful, charming culture.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Once a quarter, the sales staff of this branch has to stay late to do order form consolidation which, amazingly, is even less interesting than it sounds.

Quote from Kevin

Phyllis: Isn't this fun? Not wearing shoes?
Angela: I wish some of us still had our shoes on.
Kevin: Stop it. It's a disease. I told you.

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