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33Quotes from ‘Diwali’

The Office: Diwali

306. Diwali

Aired November 2, 2006

As the staff from the Scranton branch join Kelly at a Diwali celebration, Jim and Andy work a late night at the Stamford office with the help of some liquor.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Kelly, I'll take this one. Diwali is a celebration of the coronation of the God-king Rama after his epic battle with Ravana, the demon-king of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil.
Michael Scott: All right. All right. This isn't Lord of the Rings.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: My Indian cultural seminar was going great until Toby decided he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It's just sex, people, everybody does it. I'm doing it with Carole probably tonight.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Now a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million and that's true, but it's also not true, because frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world. Here are some famous Indians. [taking out a note] Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar. He is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist. Impressive. Apu from The Simpsons. Hilarious Indian. M. Night Shyamalan, The Village, Unbreakable, Sixth Sense-
Dwight K. Schrute: "I see dead people."
Michael Scott: Okay. Spoiler alert.
Dwight K. Schrute: He was dead the whole time.
Michael Scott: Just stop it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean, look at that. Who has seen that before?
Creed: I have, that's Union of the Monkey.
Meredith: Oh, that's what they call it.
Kevin: This is the best meeting we have ever had.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Kevin.
Angela: You know, I find this incredibly offensive.
Michael Scott: Well, I find it beautiful.

Quote from Ryan

Kelly: Ruka, Nipa, Tiffany. Stop acting like such little losers and just be cool. Come on, Ryan. Come on. Leave him alone. I hate you guys.
Ryan: They said something about Zach Braff.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I didn't come to Diwali to get yelled at.
Kelly's Mom: Ryan is a temporary worker. Makes no money. Vali is a whole doctor, so handsome.
Makes good money-
Kelly: Do you think I want to date a doctor?
Kelly's Mom: -And he's a perfect match.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Well, I was a temp, but I got promoted. So the compensation is a lot more competitive.
Kelly's Mom: So you're saving money now to start a family and home?
Ryan: Oh, or travel? And, um, buy an Xbox.
Kelly's Dad: Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight?

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: These are not my shoes. This is just like that show Taxicab Confessions-
Pam: If you say one more word, I'm stopping the car.
Michael Scott: Sorry.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: This is going out to Indians everywhere. It's a tribute to one of the greats, Mr. Adam Sandler. [singing] Diwali is a festival of lights Let me tell you something Tonight has been one crazy night So put on your saris It's time to celebrate Diwali Everybody looks so jolly but it's not Christmas, it's Diwali The goddess of destruction, Kali stopped by to celebrate Diwali Don't invite any zombies to a celebration of Diwali Along Came Polly to have some fun at Diwali If you're Indian and you love to party have a happy, happy, happy happy Diwali! Happy Diwali!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it, "It's- I have- It's so super fun and it's gonna be great." A lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later you find out that it's essentially a Hindu Halloween.

Quote from Michael Scott

Angela: Don't go. They eat monkey brains.
Michael Scott: Hey, hey, hey. Stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do, sign me up because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional. It's important that this company celebrates its diversity. And you know what, Stanley, come Kwanza time, I have got you covered, baby.
Stanley: I don't celebrate Kwanza.
Michael Scott: Really? You should. It's fun.

Quote from Kelly

Michael Scott: Diwali is a very important holiday for the Hindus. But frankly, I'm a little appalled that none of you know very much about Indian culture. So, without further ado, Kelly, you are on!
Kelly: Diwali is awesome and there's food and there's gonna be dancing, and I got the raddest outfit.
Michael Scott: Kelly?
Kelly: It has sparkles-
Michael Scott: Why don't you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday?
Kelly: Oh, I don't know. It's really old, I think.
Angela: How many gods do you have?
Kelly: Like hundreds, I think, maybe more. I don't know.

Quote from Andy

Andy: We have such a roller-coaster thing, Karen and I.
Jim: Excuse me?
Andy: Roller-coastery friendship. Hot and cold, on again, off again, sexual tension-filled type of deal. It's very Sam and Diane.
Jim: Wow.
Andy: Yeah? From Cheers.
Jim: Yeah.

Quote from Toby

Angela: Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine, but we shouldn't all be subjected to it.
Toby: Actually, she's right. This is inappropriate. Why don't I take these?
Michael Scott: No, you're not going to collect them.
Toby: Yeah.
Michael Scott: No, this is a delightful, charming culture.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Once a quarter, the sales staff of this branch has to stay late to do order form consolidation which, amazingly, is even less interesting than it sounds.

Quote from Kevin

Phyllis: Isn't this fun? Not wearing shoes?
Angela: I wish some of us still had our shoes on.
Kevin: Stop it. It's a disease. I told you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Carole: I thought you said this was a costume party.
Michael Scott: What does that look like to you?
Carole: An Indian woman in a sari.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, yuck, oh-
Carole: What, is it too spicy?
Michael Scott: No. These s'mores are disgusting.
Carole: They're not s'mores, they're samosas.
Michael Scott: Do you think they have any s'mores? [to camera:] All they are is chocolate, graham cracker and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been?

Quote from Pam

Pam: I decided to come. I feel a little underdressed, but at least I'm not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Wow! Thirty years. And you two only met once before the wedding night?
Kelly's Dad: Yes.
Michael Scott: Wow.
Kelly's Dad: How long have you been married to the cheerleader?
Michael Scott: Oh, she's not a cheerleader! She thought this was a costume party. No, we're not married. Yet.
Kelly's Mom: She is very fair.
Michael Scott: She is very fair. Very fair and very kind. So, tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die, she has to throw herself on a fire? No, okay. It's still very cool. Okay, thanks.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Could I have your attention, please? Thank you. Hi. Sorry, I just have an announcement to make. Okay. I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight, but I have learned even more about love. And I know you're all thinking, "Who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?" Well, I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm crazy in love. So, without further ado, Carole, Carole Stills, I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband.
Carole: Oh, Michael.
Michael Scott: What do you say?
Carole: Can we talk about this in private?
Michael Scott: I didn't hear you?
Carole: Can we talk about this in private?
Michael Scott: Oh, you gotta be kidding.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, you know what? Why don't I come with you? 'Cause I've got this book called the Kama Sutra.
Carole: Okay, good night, Michael.
Michael Scott: All right. Good night.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [singing] I went to the doctor I went to the mountains I looked to the children-
Karen: Andy, no a cappella.
Andy: I looked to the children I drank from the fountain [Jim joins] There's more than one answer to these questions Pointing me in a crooked line. Wait.
Andy & Jim: The less I seek my source
Karen: Oh, come on, guys, please.
Andy & Jim: The closer I am to fine
Andy: The closer I am to fine
Karen: That's not good.
Andy: Tuna! Are you kidding me?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Pam, when Carole said, "No," tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We're both the victims of broken engagements.
Pam: Well, you were never really engaged.
Michael Scott: I was in that marriage arena, though.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: What are you doing?
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Pam: I'm rejecting your kiss.
Michael Scott: I- What? I didn't- Can I have a ride home?
Pam: If you sit in the back.

Quote from Andy

Jim: Hey, can I have a ride, man? I have my bike.
Andy: No way, dude. I am not driving home. I brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You're welcome to share it, though. It's a roomy twin.
Jim: I'm good.

Quote from Karen

Karen: Hey, dummy, get in the car.
Jim: I'm a drunk driver.
Karen: Yes, you are. Here, let me take that thing. Just get in the car.
Jim: Okay. You can really hold your liquor, though, really.
Karen: Yeah. You can't.
Jim: Okay. And I am just going to lie down in the back, if that's all right?
Karen: Sure. Here's your bag. Just don't puke on anything.

Quote from Michael Scott

Kelly: You look so handsome.
Pam: You really do. I love the material.
Kelly: I know.
Michael Scott: How come you didn't get me one?

Quote from Meredith

Pam: I actually might not go. I'm feeling kind of tired.
Meredith: Do you want to make Appletinis and watch Sex and the City at my place?
Pam: Oh, I don't know. I haven't decided yet.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I love the people here. And if there was one thing I don't really care for, is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don't want them embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carole.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I started biking to work. Josh does it and he lives a lot farther away than I do. And also it saves gas money, keeps me in shape, helps the environment and now I know it makes me really sweaty for work.

Quote from Angela

Angela: I'm a vegetarian. What can I eat?
Waiter: It's all vegetarian.
Angela: I'll just have some bread. You used your hands.

Quote from Angela

Angela: You look like you were having fun.
Pam: I am. You should come dance with us.
Angela: I have to watch our shoes so they don't get stolen.


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