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37Quotes from ‘Secretary's Day’

The Office: Secretary's Day

622. Secretary's Day

Aired April 22, 2010

Andy wants to make Secretary's Day special for Erin and convinces Michael to take her out to lunch, where he reveals something about Andy's past. Meanwhile, Oscar shares a video mocking Kevin, Pam returns to work after maternity leave, and Gabe tries to make his mark as an authority figure.

Quote from Oscar

[Andy, Angela, Phyllis, Ryan and Kelly watch a video on Oscar's computer of the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street]
Cookie Monster: [Kevin's voice] Oscar, Toby said he left my Girl Scout cookies on my chair. Have you seen them? Wait I'm sitting on them. [all laugh]
Andy: This is awesome!
Oscar: Thank you. It didn't even take that long.
Cookie Monster: [Kevin's voice] What's the difference between a chimichanga, a chalupa, and a tostada? Call me back ASAP. It's urgent.
Kevin: This isn't funny. I don't talk like that.
Phyllis: Say "Me eat cookie."
Kevin: No. I won't say it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Why is everyone clumped around accounting? Break it up, you clique.
Ryan: It's Kevin as Cookie Monster from Sesame Street.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio?
Phyllis: Mm-hmm.
Dwight K. Schrute: I love that show.
Cookie Monster: [Kevin's voice] This is Kevin. This is Kevin.
Ryan: Good work, buddy.
Oscar: Thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: That is an amusing link. I'd like it sent to me, please.
Oscar: Yes.
Kelly: Me, too Oscar.
Ryan: C.C. me.
Kevin: Angela, this is inappropriate.
Angela: This is my favorite day.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Ooh. Ah-ah-ah. Ha-ha.
Jim: What's up?
Dwight K. Schrute: Her milk is coming in. She's getting uncomfortable.
Jim: Dwight, don't be gross.
Pam: No, no, he's right.
Dwight K. Schrute: Same thing happens with my cows if I don't tend them frequently enough. You gotta milk them, or else they'll moo like crazy.
Pam: That's weird, my breast pump is missing. Have you seen my breast pump?
Dwight K. Schrute: [removes jacket, applies hand sanitizer] All right, this is gonna traumatize me a hell of a lot more than you, believe me.
Pam: You know what, Dwight? Let me just check the bathroom first. Okay?
Dwight K. Schrute: Really? Fine. Let your breasts explode. Three squeezes and I would drain you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know what, I wouldn't worry about Angela. She doesn't hold a candle to you, Erin. She's old enough to be your mom for one thing. And she's, like, three feet tall. And she wears pioneer women clothing. And I don't think she's ever pooped in her life. And Andy, you know, come on. Andy, his butt looks big in those khakis.

Quote from Erin

Erin: And then my last job was at a Taco Bell express. But then it became a full Taco Bell, and I don't know, I couldn't keep up. My favorite part about being a receptionist is that I get to have my own desk. In my foster home I never had a desk. So it's like... I don't mean that I didn't like my foster home. I did like it. I just didn't have a desk there. Did you have a favorite age? Or month?
Michael Scott: An age or month?
Erin: Yeah, like a favorite month. Like I like April when I was seven.

Quote from Andy

Andy: It's Secretary's Day. And it is Erin's and my three-week anniversary. So perfect storm for a romantic gesture. Want to make sure the whole office remembers it's Secretary's Day. I sent an e-mail blast, a text blast, a good, old-fashioned talk blast. I sent a snail mail blast a week ago. And a stern reminder via fax at 7:05 this morning, so people better step up and appreciate the crap out of Erin. I do. If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: They're making fun of Cookie Monster. I get that. But in a strange way, it feels like they're making fun of me.

Quote from Pam

Pam: It's my first day back after maternity leave. And I miss Cece, of course. But we need the money. What was maternity leave like? Oh, how do I explain it?... It rocked. It rocked my ass off.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: [picking up a wilting plant on her desk] Oh. You couldn't have watered it?
Jim: I literally did not know that existed until this moment.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, I knew it existed, and I chose to let it die.
Pam: It's nice to see you again, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hello, Pam.

Quote from Darryl

Meredith: Have a cookie, Kev.
Kevin: Yeah, ha ha. Tray of cookies. I'm not falling for that.
Darryl: I brought those in. It's my birthday. That's some stone-cold narcissism right there.
Kevin: Man, Darryl, I'm sorry. Happy Birthday.
Darryl: Thank you. [while Kevin eats a cookie, as Cookie Monster] Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: The beginning here has been a little bit of a fiasco. Either they don't respect me or they respect me too much. And some of them still think that I'm the I.T. guy. This Cookie Monster thing is an opportunity to show people that I'm an authority figure. [nervous silence]

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: Hello, everyone. If I might have a moment of your time. It's come to my attention that people have been watching and laughing at a hurtful parody video. It is now forbidden to talk, joke about, or e-mail this around.
Kevin: Yeah.
Gabe: And that's straight from corporate. So not to be scary, but yeah, I would listen to me. And that's all. Ciao.

Quote from Erin

Michael Scott: Would you mind if I listen to my book on tape? I'm kind of a bookworm. This is the novelization of the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire.
Erin: I was thinking it would be fun to talk on the way over. So what decade would you have chosen to be a teenager?
Michael Scott: [shakes head] I don't know.
Erin: I would have chosen the 1490s.
Michael Scott: Ah.
Erin: 'Cause America was discovered.

Quote from Meredith

Pam: Mm. [walks into bathroom to find Meredith using her breast pump] Meredith!
Meredith: I just like the way it feels.
Pam: What are you doing?!
Meredith: Just relax. Okay.
Pam: Relax?!
Meredith: This is like the Cadillac of pumps.
Pam: Give it back to me now.
Meredith: Okay, I was just warming it up.
Pam: It's- It's disgusting!
Meredith: It's not a big deal.
Pam: It's not sterile!
Meredith: We're both girls. Who cares?

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: I should probably get involved in this, but I think my energy is better spent on the Cookie Monster issue.

Quote from Michael Scott

Andy: Why would that be something to talk about on Secretary's Day?
Michael Scott: Andy, she's not the easiest person in the world to have a conversation with. All right? And besides, who doesn't tell their girlfriend that they were engaged to someone who works four feet away from them? That's like- That's like Mr. and Mrs. Smith crap.
Andy: I was going to tell her, just on my own time.
Michael Scott: You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.

Quote from Erin

Angela: You embarrassed me earlier.
Erin: Oh. Take it up with the chief of police.
Angela: You think I want people remembering I had sensual relations with Andy? It's the kind of thing you wish you could have annulled. I want to throw up just thinking about it.
Erin: I want to throw up just thinking about it.
Angela: You are throwing up for the wrong reasons!

Quote from Erin

Pam: Hey. You know I was engaged before Jim.
Erin: Really?
Pam: Yeah. And he worked here too.
Erin: [getting emotional] It was Andy, wasn't it?
Pam: No. No it wasn't Andy. It wasn't. It doesn't matter. It's not about who you've been with. It's about who you end up with. Sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it wants.
Erin: I hope you find what you're looking for.
Pam: ... Thank you.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: Hey everyone. Hi. Quite an afternoon, huh? Cathartic in a way. I'm glad that I got to share it with you. It makes you think about what's really important. [Pam hands Jim a note] It's not about showing you're in charge or flexing some sort of authority. It's about forgiveness. And yes, I'm talking about you three in this desk clump right here. I think that, if you were to apologize to me, then I would revoke your suspension.
Pam: I don't think an apology is enough. I really think the only way for me to learn my lesson is to take my suspension.
Jim: And I got to take this bad attitude, and I got to go home, and I got to adjust it. And I hope the suspension does that.
Dwight K. Schrute: [gets up and walks over to Gabe] Prideful idiots. Watch how it's done. [Jim and Pam get their things together and start to leave] Gabriel, I apologize.
Gabe: Great.
Dwight K. Schrute: And I kneel before you.
Gabe: Guys, I would even take a contrite look as an apology.
Dwight K. Schrute: Humbly taking your hand upon which I kiss to show my contrition.

Quote from Gabe

Kevin: [as Gabe] Uh guys, I'm now going to apologize for the mess that we're in because corporate told me to. I just want you to know that I laugh like a crazy person.
Gabe: Okay. You got to be able to laugh at yourself. I'm one of the gang.
Dwight K. Schrute: "I have to go back to the zoo to the stick insect exhibit."
Kevin: "Um, er, ciao." Right? "Ciao. I say Ciao because I'm fancy from Tallahassee."
Gabe: Why don't we say ciao to the impressions? [everyone says ciao]

Quote from Kevin

[Jim, Pam, Phyllis and Oscar gather round Kevin's desk to watch a video he made of Oscar as Count von Count]
Phyllis: I don't get it.
Jim: Yeah, I mean, the Count has a very distinct voice.
Pam: Yeah. "I vant to count to ten".
Kevin: But Oscar is an accountant, and the Count counts numbers.
Kelly: But you're an accountant, too, so it doesn't-
Oscar: Why didn't you do Oscar the Grouch?
Pam: That would have been funny.
Kevin: But the Count is purple and Oscar wears purple.
Michael Scott: [walking up] Oh, oh, I was just watching that. Did you do that, man? "Oscar. I am the Count." Nailed him. Nailed him. [Gives Kevin a fist pump] Good work Cookie Monster.
Kevin: Thank you.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: That was ugly. I'm sorry you had to see that.
Kelly: Well, do they still get paid?
Gabe: It's tacky to discuss finances. It's best to pretend that this never happened.
Oscar: Sounds like they just got to go home with pay.
Meredith: Yeah, it's pathetic.
Gabe: Can I buy everyone coffees? [everyone shakes their head] [in Cookie Monster voice] "Or cookies."

Quote from Michael Scott

Andy: I was just wondering what you had planned for Secretary's Day.
Michael Scott: I'm going to give Erin $15.
Erin: I know that Erin would be so psyched if you took her out to lunch.
Michael Scott: A one-on-one lunch with Erin?
Andy: Yeah. She really looks up to you. And there's only so much we can do as her coworkers. Secretary's Day is really kind of a boss-secretary thing. [As Michael looks over to Erin at reception, Erin waves her teddy bear's arm at Michael]
Michael Scott: She's kind of a rube.
Andy: That's my girlfriend you're talking about.

Quote from Kevin

[Kevin shows Gabe the video Oscar made of the Cookie Monster]
Gabe: This is violent and offensive.
Kevin: Thank you. [computer continues] It really makes me self-conscious about my voice.
Gabe: It's awful. [hands Kevin a box of tissues]
Kevin: I'm not crying.
Gabe: You have some food on your face.
Kevin: [on computer as Cookie Monster] Do my hands feel sweaty to you?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I've been trying. I've been trying to keep it going. Erin is just weird.

Quote from Michael Scott

Erin: How many pillows do you sleep on at night?
Michael Scott: So how are things going with Andy?
Erin: He's the best boyfriend in the world. Tell me about him before I met him.
Michael Scott: Well, let's see. Um... Andy. Plays the banjo.
Erin: Yeah, I love that.
Michael Scott: Other than the fact that he dated Angela, I don't think he is a snappy dresser.
Erin: What?
Michael Scott: I don't think he is the best dresser. Reminds me of Easter.
Erin: Sorry. About Angela? Did you say he dated Angela?
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm. You didn't know that? Oh.

Quote from Michael Scott

Erin: Why wouldn't he tell me that?
Michael Scott: I don't know. Probably didn't want you to have a mental image of him having sex with somebody else.
Erin: They had sex?
Michael Scott: They were engaged, so...

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, you know what, sir?
Waiter: Yes?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I asked for pickles with my burger. And there are only, like five or six. Could I get some more pickles?
Waiter: Of course. I'll get you a bowl of pickles.
Michael Scott: Thank you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Erin: Uh, they were engaged?
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Erin: Uh-oh.
Michael Scott: Well.
Erin: [moans as she pulls her hair over her face]
Michael Scott: What are you doing? What are you doing?
Erin: In the foster home, my hair was my room. [exhales, prolonged exclaiming]
Michael Scott: Okay, okay. You know what? You know what? You know what? Everybody's looking at you right now. [turning to the other diners] I'll have what she's having!

Quote from Ryan

Kelly: [in a Cookie Monster voice] "My name is Kevin, I'm an accountant." See, I did the voice.
Ryan: That's a little derivative.
Kelly: But parody is always derivative.
Ryan: Uh, it's not organic. Do you know what I mean?

Quote from Jim

Pam: Jim does a really good one. Do yours.
Jim: Oh, guys. I really refuse to participate. [as Kevin] "Michael, can I have an advance on my paycheck because a Mrs. Fields Cookie just opened up at the mall."
Gabe: Guys, why don't we leave the parodies to the pros at Mad TV?
Jim: "Sorry, Gabe, but that show hasn't been on in many cookies."

Quote from Erin

Andy: Hey, can I have your attention please? First of all, thanks to everyone for helping put this awesome party together. And a very special shout-out to the chair of the Party Planning Committee, miss Angela Martin. You have outdone yourself.
Michael Scott: You know what, I think we can all agree that Angela's not so great, so..
Andy: I am saying the exact opposite. Angela is fantastic.
Michael Scott: No. No. No.
Andy: Specific shout-out..
Michael Scott: Stop talking.
Andy: Okay. As some of you may know, I have a very special connection to Secretary's Day in the form of that 115 pound moonbeam over there named Erin Hannon. To a lot of you she may just be the person who brings you your fax conformations. But to me, she is my girlfriend... In addition to being the person who brings me my fax confirmations. So I wrote [in a British accent] a little ditty. That I would like to play for all of you right now. It's a little tune called Secretary of Love. A one, a two, a one, two, three..
Erin: [throws a piece of cake at Andy's face] I know about Angela! I know that you were engaged to her and that you were sleeping with her! Michael told me.
Michael Scott: Oh God.
Andy: Can we talk about this in private?
Erin: I don't want to be in private. Is it true or is it not?
Andy: Yes.
Erin: Who else did you sleep with? Did you sleep with Phyllis or Kelly or Pam? Maybe all together?

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Erin, you know, if I had been engaged to anyone before you, I would've told you.
Erin: Thanks.
Kevin: So if you need anything, I'm right over there.

Quote from Gabe

Pam: [imitating Cookie Monster] "Hey, Erin, You look delicious. I mean, beautiful."
Gabe: Okay. Okay. There, I heard that. So I'm sorry, Pam, but that's it. I'm going to have to suspend you without pay for two days.
Pam: What? What do you mean, suspend me?
Jim: I think you need to go a little easy. You can't just suspend someone form work.
Gabe: Yeah, you're right. You know what? Um, you're suspended too, Jim. [Dwight starts to clap] Okay, fine. You too, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, What? I was just slow-clapping your no-nonsense decision-making.
Gabe: I don't want to hear it. Suspended.
Kevin: "C" is for suspension.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Who cares? I mean it's not like I killed someone. Big deal right? This can blow over in two seconds. She never asked me. So, if you think about it... I probably should have told her I guess. Everybody does stupid things.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: [on the phone] So I can reprimand them but I can't suspend them? Oh, I can't do either. Uh huh. Fair enough.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Trust is the most important thing to me. Is your name Andy Bernard? What's your real name? Lionel Frankenstein?
Andy: Will you stop walking for one second? That's it. There's no other secrets. Okay? I mean yeah, my chest is not naturally hairless, and my parents pay my credit card bill.
Erin: How long were you guys together?
Andy: A year.
Erin: A year? You were together for a year?
Andy: Yeah, but that's it. Now you know everything about me. I promise. And if I think of anything else...
Erin: I think I have to be on my own for a little bit. Like the girl Precious in Precious. Based on the novel Push by Sapphire. Okay?
Andy: I didn't see that movie.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Sometimes telling someone something is hard. Well, at least someone made her happy on Secretary's Day.


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