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74Quotes from ‘The Delivery’

The Office: The Delivery

617. The Delivery

Aired March 4, 2010

When Pam's contractions start at the office, she vows not to leave for the hospital until midnight. As the contractions get closer and Pam is still unwilling to go, Jim realizes she's afraid of giving birth. Meanwhile, Dwight seeks out Angela for a "business" proposal.

Later, with Pam and Jim at the hospital, Dwight does some renovation work on their house, and Michael attempts to play matchmaker at the office.

Quote from Kevin

Pam: Kevin, you're such a gourmand.
Kevin: I cooked my way through Julia Childs' cookbook, and now, I'm halfway through the Twilight cookbook. Last night, I had Edward's corn flake chicken.
Pam: Hmm.
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: Pregnant Pam and I, we get hungry at the same times, so we've been eating together a lot. Not all meals. Just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, and first dinner.

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Yesterday, I was dispatched to Jim and Pam's house to find Pam's iPod. I searched everywhere, but I didn't find it. What I did find, was mold, and lots of it. So, I did what anyone would do. Read a book, had a bath, I got a good night's sleep, and I made plans to eradicate it. I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets. Time to get to work.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Guys, word of advice. Speaking as a former baby. Don't get too hung up on baby names. I was named Walter Jr. after my father until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds.
Erin: I thought you said your younger brother was named Walter Jr.
Andy: My brother was born, and my parents felt he better exemplified the Walter Jr. name, so they gave it to him. I was given Andrew, which they got out of a baby name book.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I love escorting people. In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. I got a lot of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: [on the phone] I just wanted to check and see if there's anything you needed before I went on my maternity leave. Yeah, I'm pregnant. Great, well, I'll write up the order. Okay, thanks.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait a minute! You can't do that. You cannot exploit your baby for sales.
Jim: [on the phone] Hey, did I tell you we were going to have a baby? Oh, thank you very much. I'm excited. Oh, definitely.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no! You need to come by your sales honorably.
Pam: There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life. People like it.
Dwight K. Schrute: [later, on the phone] Hey there. Dwight Schrute here. Listen, uh, would you be interested in restocking on paper? Yeah, I could sure use the money. My cousin, uh, came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus. Oh, it's just horrific. The doctor says he'd never seen it beard so quickly. Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I need a baby. I'll never outsell Jim and Pam without one. Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life. Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: Good afternoon.
Dwight K. Schrute: Have a seat.
Angela: What is this?
Dwight K. Schrute: Before we conceive a child, uh, it is important that we bang out a parenting contract.
Angela: Of course.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's been a long time since we've come down here separately.
Angela: You know I was thinking...
Dwight K. Schrute: Now, then. Let's get to it, shall we? Item one: [speaking into a voice recorder] Child will be breast fed by the mother for exactly six months, then weaned onto a nutrient-rich winter vegetable mash provided by the father, Dwight Schrute, hereafter referred to as Morpheus. Agreed?
Angela: Agreed.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jonas.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Warf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes you can.
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman. The odds of them getting together were insur-mountain-able. I made a family! I got these two together, and I made a family.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: I got it! I got it! Everybody it's go time! At your stations. Stanley, man the phones. Meredith, please, get bottled water. Erin, call an ambulance, please!
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no. Ambulances are emergencies only. You call an ambulance, I call the cops.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Did you know that labor can last weeks? Then they take your insides out and they just plop them on a table, and sometimes epidurals don't work, and you can poop yourself.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Wait, wait. My iPod's not in here!
Jim: Okay.
Pam: It has the birth song on it!
Jim: Okay. I know, I know. But my iPod is in the go bag. We'll be fine.
Pam: Jim, I don't want the first thing the baby hears to be the 8 Mile soundtrack.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, have you guys seen her?
Meredith: She hasn't popped yet.
Andy: What? God damn it. She was supposed to come out yesterday.
[later, today:]
Andy: I decided to give baby Halpert a newspaper from the day she was born. This frame set me back fifty five bones. But she decided to take her sweet time, so now I have to switch it with today's paper. [Andy holds up today's newspaper with a report about the "Scranton Strangler"]

Quote from Michael Scott

Erin: I'm so sorry if I gave you the impression I'm into Kevin, but I'm not. I like Andy.
Michael Scott: Okay. This is going to kill Kevin.
Erin: I'm sure he'll be fine.
Michael Scott: I'm not so sure. Kevin has an enormous heart. Literally, he has an elephant heart. He had a transplant when he was seventeen. Had some problems, blah blah blah.
Erin: Really?
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: No, Kevin doesn't have an elephant heart. But he is very sensitive. And it won't kill Erin just to go and have lunch with him in the break room like I promised him. I bet his heart is enlarged, though.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Why was I hiding behind the plant? Ha, well, in college, I took a botany class, and there was lots of drama in that class. Uh, kids would gossip about me, so I would eavesdrop on them by hiding behind different plants in the botany class. And then, uh, they would say things like "Oh, this guy's going to fail this class," or, "What's this guy doing spying on us from behind plants?" And then I would jump out of them and confront them, and be like, "Oh, you think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people? Busted." Oh, the reason? The reason I was hiding behind that plant in this situation was that I thought that Erin and Kevin were kind of hitting it off, and I was jealous.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, oh, oh! Contraption! She's contrapting! Okay, you know what? I think I should drive you guys to the hospital, and here is why. I am a licensed, classy driver in the state of Pennsylvania.
Jim: Michael.
Michael Scott: I gassed up the car. Actually, I put diesel in this time, trying to save some money.
Jim: Michael, you shouldn't have done that.
Michael Scott: Happy to do it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Bear my child.
Angela: Excuse me?
Dwight K. Schrute: I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything. ... Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 PM at our old meeting spot and bang it out.

Quote from Jim

Jim: So, the plan was seven minutes. But we're calling an audible, because that's her call. Because she's the quarterback. I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Um, I am sort of a master of distraction. When I was a kid, my mom received compliments left and right from my teachers on how I was always able to distract others in class. Try to think, what were the first thirteen colonies? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. [Michael covers his mouth with his hands and makes fart noises.]

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: The purpose for this meeting is to take Pam's mind off of what's going on inside of her body.
Andy: Can we do sleight of hand tricks?
Michael Scott: I will allow that.
Andy: Yes! Can anyone do those?
Stanley: I'm going to go look at the Internet.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I know Pam better than anyone in this office, and obviously she's gone crazy, but everybody wants to say that I'm crazy. But I'm not crazy, she's crazy. I'm not crazy, she's crazy. [reading from various books] Five to seven minutes. Five to seven minutes. Six minutes. Different, but not really. Five to seven minutes.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Pam, Pam! Okay, alright, okay, it's time. Time to go to the hospital. Somebody get Jim, please! Is it midnight yet?
Phyllis: No, it's 4:35.
Michael Scott: 4:35. Alright, almost made it. Almost made it. Too bad you didn't have sex like seven and a half hours later. But you had to have the afternoon delight. I understand. Sometimes you have to go for it. Let's go to the hospital, shall we?

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: No, not yet, Michael.
Michael Scott: We can do...
Pam: Oh, wow, it's almost time for ultra feast! Where's Kevin?
Michael Scott: Oh. What? You want to eat cat food with Kevin and not go to the hospital?
Oscar: That's fancy feast. Ultra feast is something they made up so they can pig out together in the name of ceremony.
Michael Scott: What is October feast?

Quote from Oscar

Michael Scott: Go bag! Where's my go bag? Where's my go bag?
Erin: There's nothing in it.
Michael Scott: You are telling me now that there is nothing in it. Okay, great! Oh, hey, hey, um, should I bring a dictionary to the hospital?
Oscar: The hospital will provide dictionaries, bring a thesaurus!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Has anyone checked how dilated she is? This is ridiculous!
Pam: Dwight, get away!
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Dwight, let Jim do that, please.
Erin: I didn't know we had a tape measure.
Dwight K. Schrute: [holding up a tape measure labeled with "D.K.S."] We don't.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Policeman: Pull over!
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you kidding me?
Policeman: Pull over! [Dwight begins throwing his various weapons out of the window] You're not allowed to impersonate a police officer! Don't make this difficult, Dwight!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Guys, guys! Stop fighting, come on. Come on. Do you want your kid to come out a lawyer? Right?

Quote from Jim

Jim: Pam's doing great. Uh, she's ten inches dilated now. Uh, sorry, meters. Centimeters. And she's also fully effaced. Which I don't know what that is, uh, but no baby yet. It's only been six, uh, nineteen hours, and uh, I just went out for some ice chips because I might have passed out a little bit, but these are very refreshing, very good.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: That kid's going to have a lot of hair.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: This is ridiculous. We just can't wait here.
Michael Scott: I think it's going to be any minute now.
Phyllis: But you don't know that. I mean, we could be here another half an hour.
Michael Scott: Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do?
Phyllis: I have an ice cream cake in the car.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God. Go, go, go! Are you insane?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [smoking a cigar, talking like a "Golden Age" actor] Yeah, that's right. It's a baby, see?
Doctor: Sir! Sir, you can't smoke that in here. Put it, put it out.
Michael Scott: Okay. You can't smoke anywhere these days.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I am a diapering master. I have done little else in the past two months. There is nothing I cannot diaper. Go ahead. Try to think of something. I dare you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [holding Cecelia] Mm-hmm. Oh. Ooh, wow. Michael. Michael.
Jim: It's so weird, she was saying it just before you got here.

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: I am offering up my services to you all. You saw what I did with Pam and Jim. I can help you, too.
Stanley: Why do you find someone for yourself instead of meddling in our affairs?
Michael Scott: Okay, show of hands. Who wants to live in a world where Stanley has two lovers and you don't have any? [Stanley raises his hand] Who else? Come on! People, I know models!

Quote from Meredith

Michael Scott: Meredith? Come on, you're obviously single.
Meredith: You know it. I am never getting married.
[aside to camera:]
Meredith: Like Clooney.

Quote from Andy

Michael Scott: Andrew, what about you?
Andy: Torn scrotum. Still on the mend, so not good timing.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Yes, I'm going to ask out Erin. I'm just waiting for the stars to align. Literally. I have a small skylight in my bedroom, and I'd like for the moon to be visible.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [answering the phone] Hey, what's up, kid?
Angela: Have you had a chance to look over the revisions on the contract I've prepared for you?
Dwight K. Schrute: Nothing left to do except dot the I's, the J's, and the umlauts. Why don't you meet me here at exactly mid-late afternoon?
Angela: I look forward to it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very well.
Angela: Goodbye.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Erin, uh, I need you to send this fax immediately. It's really important, so I'm going to stand here and wait for the confirmation.
Erin: Okay, good.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: The fax says "Erin, will you have dinner with me?" from Andy, and the number is our office fax number.
[back:]
Erin: It's busy. Why don't I keep trying, and then I'll give you the confirmation in a bit?
Andy: Sorry, that's unacceptable. I need you to send it immediately, or you're fired.
Erin: [tearing up] You can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong. I've been having a tough day today.
Andy: Oh, God, no. I'm... Just read the fax.
Erin: You read the fax.
Andy: I'm... I'm asking you out.
Erin: Oh, my God. That's amazing. Let me just fax this, and I'll check my planner.
Andy: So, it's a date.
Erin: Yes. Do you have a day in mind?
Andy: Yeah, what day? What day?
Erin: Everyday is fine. Or...
Andy: Well, that, what's that one?
Erin: Thursday?
Andy: Okay. Let's do it.
Erin: Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [smoking a cigar] There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles, and find true love. And that is what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today. I think I'm going to be sick.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Two forms of ID, please.
Angela: And now you, two forms of ID, please. Alright, all is in order. I just need your signature. What is it?
Dwight K. Schrute: Nothing.
Angela: Alright. How would you like to celebrate?
Dwight K. Schrute: Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice. I feel sick... [Jim and Pam enter] I couldn't find your iPod. Give me a couple days. Be out of your hair.


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