Previous Episode Next Episode 

74Quotes from ‘The Delivery’

The Office: The Delivery

617. The Delivery

Aired March 4, 2010

When Pam's contractions start at the office, she vows not to leave for the hospital until midnight. As the contractions get closer and Pam is still unwilling to go, Jim realizes she's afraid of giving birth. Meanwhile, Dwight seeks out Angela for a "business" proposal.

Later, with Pam and Jim at the hospital, Dwight does some renovation work on their house, and Michael attempts to play matchmaker at the office.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Yesterday, I was dispatched to Jim and Pam's house to find Pam's iPod. I searched everywhere, but I didn't find it. What I did find, was mold, and lots of it. So, I did what anyone would do. Read a book, had a bath, I got a good night's sleep, and I made plans to eradicate it. I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets. Time to get to work.

Quote from Kevin

Pam: Kevin, you're such a gourmand.
Kevin: I cooked my way through Julia Childs' cookbook, and now, I'm halfway through the Twilight cookbook. Last night, I had Edward's corn flake chicken.
Pam: Hmm.
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: Pregnant Pam and I, we get hungry at the same times, so we've been eating together a lot. Not all meals. Just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, and first dinner.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Guys, word of advice. Speaking as a former baby. Don't get too hung up on baby names. I was named Walter Jr. after my father until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds.
Erin: I thought you said your younger brother was named Walter Jr.
Andy: My brother was born, and my parents felt he better exemplified the Walter Jr. name, so they gave it to him. I was given Andrew, which they got out of a baby name book.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I love escorting people. In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. I got a lot of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: [on the phone] I just wanted to check and see if there's anything you needed before I went on my maternity leave. Yeah, I'm pregnant. Great, well, I'll write up the order. Okay, thanks.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait a minute! You can't do that. You cannot exploit your baby for sales.
Jim: [on the phone] Hey, did I tell you we were going to have a baby? Oh, thank you very much. I'm excited. Oh, definitely.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no! You need to come by your sales honorably.
Pam: There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life. People like it.
Dwight K. Schrute: [later, on the phone] Hey there. Dwight Schrute here. Listen, uh, would you be interested in restocking on paper? Yeah, I could sure use the money. My cousin, uh, came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus. Oh, it's just horrific. The doctor says he'd never seen it beard so quickly. Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I need a baby. I'll never outsell Jim and Pam without one. Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life. Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: Good afternoon.
Dwight K. Schrute: Have a seat.
Angela: What is this?
Dwight K. Schrute: Before we conceive a child, uh, it is important that we bang out a parenting contract.
Angela: Of course.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's been a long time since we've come down here separately.
Angela: You know I was thinking...
Dwight K. Schrute: Now, then. Let's get to it, shall we? Item one: [speaking into a voice recorder] Child will be breast fed by the mother for exactly six months, then weaned onto a nutrient-rich winter vegetable mash provided by the father, Dwight Schrute, hereafter referred to as Morpheus. Agreed?
Angela: Agreed.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jonas.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Warf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes you can.
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman. The odds of them getting together were insur-mountain-able. I made a family! I got these two together, and I made a family.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: I got it! I got it! Everybody it's go time! At your stations. Stanley, man the phones. Meredith, please, get bottled water. Erin, call an ambulance, please!
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no. Ambulances are emergencies only. You call an ambulance, I call the cops.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Wait, wait. My iPod's not in here!
Jim: Okay.
Pam: It has the birth song on it!
Jim: Okay. I know, I know. But my iPod is in the go bag. We'll be fine.
Pam: Jim, I don't want the first thing the baby hears to be the 8 Mile soundtrack.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, have you guys seen her?
Meredith: She hasn't popped yet.
Andy: What? God damn it. She was supposed to come out yesterday.
[later, today:]
Andy: I decided to give baby Halpert a newspaper from the day she was born. This frame set me back fifty five bones. But she decided to take her sweet time, so now I have to switch it with today's paper. [Andy holds up today's newspaper with a report about the "Scranton Strangler"]

Quote from Michael Scott

Erin: I'm so sorry if I gave you the impression I'm into Kevin, but I'm not. I like Andy.
Michael Scott: Okay. This is going to kill Kevin.
Erin: I'm sure he'll be fine.
Michael Scott: I'm not so sure. Kevin has an enormous heart. Literally, he has an elephant heart. He had a transplant when he was seventeen. Had some problems, blah blah blah.
Erin: Really?
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: No, Kevin doesn't have an elephant heart. But he is very sensitive. And it won't kill Erin just to go and have lunch with him in the break room like I promised him. I bet his heart is enlarged, though.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Why was I hiding behind the plant? Ha, well, in college, I took a botany class, and there was lots of drama in that class. Uh, kids would gossip about me, so I would eavesdrop on them by hiding behind different plants in the botany class. And then, uh, they would say things like "Oh, this guy's going to fail this class," or, "What's this guy doing spying on us from behind plants?" And then I would jump out of them and confront them, and be like, "Oh, you think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people? Busted." Oh, the reason? The reason I was hiding behind that plant in this situation was that I thought that Erin and Kevin were kind of hitting it off, and I was jealous.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Did you know that labor can last weeks? Then they take your insides out and they just plop them on a table, and sometimes epidurals don't work, and you can poop yourself.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, oh, oh! Contraption! She's contrapting! Okay, you know what? I think I should drive you guys to the hospital, and here is why. I am a licensed, classy driver in the state of Pennsylvania.
Jim: Michael.
Michael Scott: I gassed up the car. Actually, I put diesel in this time, trying to save some money.
Jim: Michael, you shouldn't have done that.
Michael Scott: Happy to do it.

Quote from Oscar

Michael Scott: Go bag! Where's my go bag? Where's my go bag?
Erin: There's nothing in it.
Michael Scott: You are telling me now that there is nothing in it. Okay, great! Oh, hey, hey, um, should I bring a dictionary to the hospital?
Oscar: The hospital will provide dictionaries, bring a thesaurus!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Has anyone checked how dilated she is? This is ridiculous!
Pam: Dwight, get away!
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Dwight, let Jim do that, please.
Erin: I didn't know we had a tape measure.
Dwight K. Schrute: [holding up a tape measure labeled with "D.K.S."] We don't.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Policeman: Pull over!
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you kidding me?
Policeman: Pull over! [Dwight begins throwing his various weapons out of the window] You're not allowed to impersonate a police officer! Don't make this difficult, Dwight!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Guys, guys! Stop fighting, come on. Come on. Do you want your kid to come out a lawyer? Right?

Quote from Jim

Jim: Pam's doing great. Uh, she's ten inches dilated now. Uh, sorry, meters. Centimeters. And she's also fully effaced. Which I don't know what that is, uh, but no baby yet. It's only been six, uh, nineteen hours, and uh, I just went out for some ice chips because I might have passed out a little bit, but these are very refreshing, very good.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: That kid's going to have a lot of hair.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: This is ridiculous. We just can't wait here.
Michael Scott: I think it's going to be any minute now.
Phyllis: But you don't know that. I mean, we could be here another half an hour.
Michael Scott: Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do?
Phyllis: I have an ice cream cake in the car.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God. Go, go, go! Are you insane?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [smoking a cigar, talking like a "Golden Age" actor] Yeah, that's right. It's a baby, see?
Doctor: Sir! Sir, you can't smoke that in here. Put it, put it out.
Michael Scott: Okay. You can't smoke anywhere these days.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I am a diapering master. I have done little else in the past two months. There is nothing I cannot diaper. Go ahead. Try to think of something. I dare you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [holding Cecelia] Mm-hmm. Oh. Ooh, wow. Michael. Michael.
Jim: It's so weird, she was saying it just before you got here.

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: I am offering up my services to you all. You saw what I did with Pam and Jim. I can help you, too.
Stanley: Why do you find someone for yourself instead of meddling in our affairs?
Michael Scott: Okay, show of hands. Who wants to live in a world where Stanley has two lovers and you don't have any? [Stanley raises his hand] Who else? Come on! People, I know models!

Quote from Meredith

Michael Scott: Meredith? Come on, you're obviously single.
Meredith: You know it. I am never getting married.
[aside to camera:]
Meredith: Like Clooney.

Quote from Andy

Michael Scott: Andrew, what about you?
Andy: Torn scrotum. Still on the mend, so not good timing.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Yes, I'm going to ask out Erin. I'm just waiting for the stars to align. Literally. I have a small skylight in my bedroom, and I'd like for the moon to be visible.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [answering the phone] Hey, what's up, kid?
Angela: Have you had a chance to look over the revisions on the contract I've prepared for you?
Dwight K. Schrute: Nothing left to do except dot the I's, the J's, and the umlauts. Why don't you meet me here at exactly mid-late afternoon?
Angela: I look forward to it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very well.
Angela: Goodbye.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Erin, uh, I need you to send this fax immediately. It's really important, so I'm going to stand here and wait for the confirmation.
Erin: Okay, good.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: The fax says "Erin, will you have dinner with me?" from Andy, and the number is our office fax number.
[back:]
Erin: It's busy. Why don't I keep trying, and then I'll give you the confirmation in a bit?
Andy: Sorry, that's unacceptable. I need you to send it immediately, or you're fired.
Erin: [tearing up] You can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong. I've been having a tough day today.
Andy: Oh, God, no. I'm... Just read the fax.
Erin: You read the fax.
Andy: I'm... I'm asking you out.
Erin: Oh, my God. That's amazing. Let me just fax this, and I'll check my planner.
Andy: So, it's a date.
Erin: Yes. Do you have a day in mind?
Andy: Yeah, what day? What day?
Erin: Everyday is fine. Or...
Andy: Well, that, what's that one?
Erin: Thursday?
Andy: Okay. Let's do it.
Erin: Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [smoking a cigar] There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles, and find true love. And that is what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today. I think I'm going to be sick.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Two forms of ID, please.
Angela: And now you, two forms of ID, please. Alright, all is in order. I just need your signature. What is it?
Dwight K. Schrute: Nothing.
Angela: Alright. How would you like to celebrate?
Dwight K. Schrute: Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice. I feel sick... [Jim and Pam enter] I couldn't find your iPod. Give me a couple days. Be out of your hair.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Bear my child.
Angela: Excuse me?
Dwight K. Schrute: I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything. ... Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 PM at our old meeting spot and bang it out.

Quote from Jim

Jim: So, the plan was seven minutes. But we're calling an audible, because that's her call. Because she's the quarterback. I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Um, I am sort of a master of distraction. When I was a kid, my mom received compliments left and right from my teachers on how I was always able to distract others in class. Try to think, what were the first thirteen colonies? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. [Michael covers his mouth with his hands and makes fart noises.]

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: The purpose for this meeting is to take Pam's mind off of what's going on inside of her body.
Andy: Can we do sleight of hand tricks?
Michael Scott: I will allow that.
Andy: Yes! Can anyone do those?
Stanley: I'm going to go look at the Internet.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I know Pam better than anyone in this office, and obviously she's gone crazy, but everybody wants to say that I'm crazy. But I'm not crazy, she's crazy. I'm not crazy, she's crazy. [reading from various books] Five to seven minutes. Five to seven minutes. Six minutes. Different, but not really. Five to seven minutes.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Pam, Pam! Okay, alright, okay, it's time. Time to go to the hospital. Somebody get Jim, please! Is it midnight yet?
Phyllis: No, it's 4:35.
Michael Scott: 4:35. Alright, almost made it. Almost made it. Too bad you didn't have sex like seven and a half hours later. But you had to have the afternoon delight. I understand. Sometimes you have to go for it. Let's go to the hospital, shall we?

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: No, not yet, Michael.
Michael Scott: We can do...
Pam: Oh, wow, it's almost time for ultra feast! Where's Kevin?
Michael Scott: Oh. What? You want to eat cat food with Kevin and not go to the hospital?
Oscar: That's fancy feast. Ultra feast is something they made up so they can pig out together in the name of ceremony.
Michael Scott: What is October feast?

Quote from Pam

Pam: There is no rush to get to the hospital. I am fine. I'll get there. And if I don't get there, I don't get there.

Quote from Pam

Kevin: Our ultra feast menu's theme: Hollywood. We have Ratatouille, from Ratatouille, and tandoori chicken, from Born Into Brothels. I tried to bake a cake like that District 9 prawn thing, but I- Are you okay?
Pam: Mm-hmm. Yes, I'm fine.
Kevin: Are you sure?
Pam: Um, yeah, the doctor said it's still considered a minor contraction as long as I can talk through it.

Quote from Pam

Jim: You know what? Let's go. We got to go to the hospital.
Pam: Okay, I'm not going. I'm not... It's fine. [Jim, Michael and Kevin try to help Pam up] Okay, come on, come on. No! I am not going! I am not going, okay!? I'm not going today because I can't do it, I don't think I can do it.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Hey, hey, hey. Are you kidding me?
Michael Scott: Are you kidding?
Jim: If anyone can do this, you can do this.
Michael Scott: You can do this. You can do this.
Jim: Pam, I'm scared. I'm real scared.
Michael Scott: I'm scared, too.
Kevin: I'm petrified.
Jim: The best news is, we're going to have a baby today.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Jim: A really awesome baby.
Michael Scott: We're going to have a baby.
Jim: So let's have it at the hospital.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: How are we doing on contractions?
Michael Scott: Two minutes apart.
Jim: Two minutes...
Pam: Oh, God. Oh, no.
Jim: Michael, I told you.
Michael Scott: It's okay.
Jim: No, I told you to warn me at five minutes.
Pam: Jim, we waited too long!
Michael Scott: I know, I know, I know. It went by too soon.
Jim: We waited too long! Two minutes doesn't do us any good. Well, what happened to four and three minutes?
Michael Scott: We're okay, Jim! Okay, Pamela. You know what time it is?
Pam: I don't want to have my baby here.
Michael Scott: You're not going to. You know where you're going?
Pam: The hospital.
Michael Scott: Yes, you are. And you know what you're going to have?
Pam: A baby.
Michael Scott: Yes! We're going to the hospital and we're going to have a baby.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Dwight, what is the traffic like?
Dwight K. Schrute: Doesn't matter. I'll escort you!
Michael Scott: Alright.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's go!
Michael Scott: Geesh, Dwight!
Dwight K. Schrute: [as he peels out of the parking lot and stops] Michael!
Michael Scott: What!?
Dwight K. Schrute: This is where I saw that deer last week.
Michael Scott: Where?
Dwight K. Schrute: Right over by that fence.
Michael Scott: By the bushes?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? I am all over this. Here we go.
Dwight K. Schrute: [answering cell phone] Dwight Schrute.
Michael Scott: Hello, Dwight. Pam left her iPod at her house. I want you to swing by, pick it up, and bring it to the hospital. We need it yesterday.
Dwight K. Schrute: Then why didn't you ask me to do it yesterday? I kept IM'ing you how bored I was.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Pam: Dwight! Go to my house. Get my iPod. I think it's on the kitchen table. Do not touch anything else. The key is under...
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't need a key.
Pam: Okay, Dwight, but if you do need a key, just listen it's under the...
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, don't, don't tell me. Alalalalalalalalalala lalalalalala alalalalalalalala.
Pam: Dwight just listen! It's underneath... [Dwight hangs up as the policeman hands him a ticket]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Where is my little nibblet? Halpert, room D1. Alright, family only beyond this point, thank you. Here we go.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: Guys, guys!
Jim: Her name is Cecelia Marie Halpert.
Michael Scott: Eleven pounds...
Jim: She's seven pounds, two ounces, eighteen inches. Mother and daughter are doing great.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Where's the baby? I want to see the baby. Oh! Oh, Helene, hi. Oh, my goodness, what are the odds of this? Congratulations on being a grandma.
Helene: Hello, Michael.
Michael Scott: Hello. Oh, good for you. I worry about you.
Helene: I'm, uh... You know I think, uh, I think it's time for me to go.
Pam: Okay.
Helene: Love you.
Michael Scott: Love you, as a friend.
Pam: Love you, mom.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Remember yesterday when we were terrified of being parents?
Jim: We were just kids. What did we know?

Quote from Jim

Jim: How you doing?
Pam: I don't know. I just, I can't tell if she's getting anything.
Jim: Really?
Pam: Doesn't feel right.
Jim: Well, you're pushing the milk out, right?
Pam: How does one do that?
Jim: Wasn't it... It's kinda like a... Like that.
Pam: Do you want to try it, Jim?
Jim: Nuh-uh. I think you're good. Doing a good job.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I can't tell if she's getting anything. It just doesn't really feel right.
Nurse: Well, maybe we should take a break for a little while. I can take her to the nursery and then bring her back and try again a little bit later.
Pam: Even if she's not getting anything?
Nurse: Yeah, she'll be fine. I can always give her a bottle since we're in the nursery.
Pam: No. I read in the book about nipple confusion.
Nurse: Oh, good. You know everything.
Pam: She's just, she's really tentative about latching, and I just, I want to keep her self-esteem up.
Nurse: Well, I'll bring her back in a little while and we can try again, okay?

Quote from Michael Scott

Erin: You wanted to see me?
Michael Scott: What would you say, if I told you that I was about to change your life?
Erin: Oh, boy! What's that sound?
Kevin: [stepping out from behind the door] Ta-da!
Michael Scott: I would like you to meet your new boyfriend.
Kevin: Yes!
Erin: I don't know what to say.
Kevin: Oh, say nothing. You will learn to love me.
Michael Scott: Okay, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got to let the cookies cool before you pop 'em in your mouth. Why don't you guys get to know each other? Maybe have lunch together?
Kevin: Erin, would you have lunch with me?

Quote from Kevin

Erin: Did you grow up around here?
Kevin: No.
Erin: So, you must have grown up around somewhere else?
Kevin: Yes.

Quote from Pam

Clark: Hi. I'm Clark. Josie said you might benefit from a lactation consultant.
Pam: Um, yeah, that would be great.
Jim: Yup. Really great. When's she available?
Clark: Actually, uh, I'm the consultant. Got milk? Ha ha. Alright, let's see what we're working with.

Quote from Erin

Michael Scott: Kevin. Erin would like a few words with you.
Erin: Hey.
Kevin: Hi.
Erin: I have really enjoyed our time together.
Kevin: Yeah, me too.
Erin: I want to continue working on our friendship.
Kevin: Really, really fun.
Erin: Because I think our friendship could be a really cool thing.
Kevin: Yeah, me too.
Erin: And, you're my friend.
Kevin: Yeah.
Erin: And I hope that I'm your friend... And, maybe...
Kevin: Yeah.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, my God, this is agonizing. Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin?
Kevin: You said she liked me.
Michael Scott: Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that that could never be possible, Kevin. And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place.
Kevin: I've done better than Erin.
Michael Scott: No.
Kevin: Lynn was way hotter than Erin, Michael.
Michael Scott: Lynn was as hot as Erin.
Kevin: Yeah, Michael, but you dated Holly and Jan, and they were so much hotter than you.
Michael Scott: This isn't about me, and that is debatable. And I have a personality, where as you...

Quote from Jim

Nurse: How's it going?
Pam: Well, I feel like she needs to eat, but she won't latch on, which is weird, because the other baby di-
Jim: Ha, ha, ha.
Nurse: Bottles are fine. A lot of babies grow up using bottles. So are you excited to bring your baby home?
Jim: We definitely are. At 3:00, right? You said we could stay until 3:00?
Nurse: Yeah, you can. It's 2:35.
Jim: Half hour.
Nurse: Twenty five minutes. And you're all set with the car seat?
Jim: Yes, car seat's right there.
Nurse: That bottom part needs to go in the car.
Jim: Newsflash, the whole thing needs to go in the car.
Nurse: Ha ha, be back in twenty five minutes.
Jim: Or it could be a half hour, if you need it to be... Can we get a late checkout? I don't- I don't think she heard me.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Isabel: Hello? Dwight? What, what are you doing here?
Dwight K. Schrute: Isabel. Hello... Yeah, the uh, kitchen was disgusting, so...
Isabel: Wow, ha. New cabinets.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yup.
Isabel: All I did was bring macaroni and cheese. Where's the fridge?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, it's in the backyard. I'll take this.
Isabel: Oh. Well, I'll let you get back to it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, listen. I know that I'm an adult, but maybe I could come by sometime for a teeth cleaning. You know, just for fun.
Isabel: Well, adults are supposed to go to the dentist, too.
Dwight K. Schrute: Are they now? Ha ha. How some people spend their money, right? Ha ha.
Isabel: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Alright. I'll call you, kid.
Isabel: Do that.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I'm having contractions, but they're irregular and far apart. So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor.
Jim: Yeah, we're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO.
Pam: If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors.
Jim: Not to mention the extra night's sleep in the hospital will be very nice because once we bring the baby home, if it's crying all night, one of us is going to have to take care of it. And I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.
Pam: I cannot wait for that joke to be over.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael: Also, I did a heck of a job baby-proofing this office.
Pam: You know the baby's not going to live here, right?
Michael Scott: Well, the baby was conceived here, so might as well live here a little bit, too.
Jim: Hmm, that logic's air-tight, but unfortunately it wasn't conceived here. Burning man, port-o-potty.
Michael Scott: Oh, yuck! TMI! How was it? I don't want to know. Tell me later. Let's go! Let's go! Hospital!

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Okay, okay. We're not going to the hospital. We are waiting until midnight.
Erin: Ooh, spooky. But why?
Jim: Because the insurance company only covers two nights.
Pam: Everything's fine. We have plenty of time.
Nick: Well, you don't want to wait too long, Pam. Otherwise the baby's going to become a teenager in there and you'll be up all night, from the rock music.
Michael Scott: Shut up, Nick. What a weird thing to say. Weird I.T. nerd. Don't get revenge on me, nerd.

Quote from Andy

Pam: I'm going to be okay. We should really try to make it until midnight.
Andy: Yeah, no, you really should. Because if your baby's born tomorrow, he's going to have the same birthday as Butt-mud Brooks. My old roommate.
Pam: Did you hear that? Butt-mud Brooks.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Okay, stop watching me.
Jim: Okay, crazy. I think I have some better things to do with my day than worry about you, like sell printers.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Well, now until Friday 20% off toner cartridges, that's a big deal. While we're on the subject, why don't I just run you down to the hospital and we'll just do a quick check?
Pam: Not until midnight.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: You know, it's getting real crowded in here. Maybe you guys should all go back to work because the day's not out yet.
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no, no. You know what? You can't tell us what to do because you are not co-manager anymore.
Jim: Okay, I feel like this noise is going to prevent Pam from being able to listen to her body's signals.
Pam: Actually, the distractions are good. I mean, I don't think I'm going to make it until midnight if I'm just sitting here thinking about it.
Michael Scott: Distractions are good! That means conference room, five minutes! No, no, five seconds! Right now, right now! Conference room! Topic, potpourri! Let's go!

Quote from Phyllis

Michael Scott: Does anybody have anything? Anything interesting, any hobbies, uh, special skills?
Pam: Yes, this is the only time I'm ever going to make this request.
Michael Scott: Yes, Phyl?
Phyllis: I can put on lipstick the way Molly Ringwald does in The Breakfast Club.
Michael Scott: Nope, nope, I don't think anybody wants to see that.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I can do the evolution of dance-dance.
Michael Scott: That sounds good! Do you need some music, or...? Okay.
Andy: Nope, actually music would just throw me off. I need complete silence. Okay... [As Andy's dance continues, Pam begins to clap] You're clapping. I need complete silence. Totally threw me off, so I'm going to have to start over. Evolution of dance-dance.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: [reading from a book] "You let me in your bed. But now, I sleep alone. Trapped with the forgotten in my detritus home."

Quote from Erin

Erin: Affirmed. Seattle Slew. Secretariat. Citation. Assault. Count Fleet. Rollaway. War Admiral. Omaha. Gallant Fox... And... I know this. Uh... The jockey was Johnny Loftus. Sired by Star Shoot.

Quote from Kevin

Michael Scott: [as Pam has another contraction] Where are we? We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen. Another seventy five contractions and you are going to be there.
Kevin: For the love of God, Pam, do it for ultra feast!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Jim, as a matter of fact, I have printed out ten ways to induce labor. And I'm thinking we just do the opposite of those things and we can slow down your labor. Erin, read the first one.
Erin: Um, stimulate the nipples.
Michael Scott: Okay, nobody touch Pam's nipples. Think of Pam's nipples as Toby's grundle.
Kevin: Her shirt is touching them. Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt.
Meredith: I have a shirt like that in my car.
Michael Scott: Okay, yeah, why don't you go get it?

Quote from Kevin

Erin: Okay, uh, the second one is walk around. We're already doing the opposite of that. Perfect. Okay, number three, eat spicy foods.
Michael Scott: Okay, the opposite of that?
Kevin: Stick spicy food up her butt.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Nope, nope, nope, nope. Come on, let's go to the hospital. Pam, let's go to the hospital right now.
Pam: Jim, Jim, honey, I love you, but you're really distracting me from my distractions.
Jim: Mm-hmm. Okay, great. Well, sorry.
Pam: Why don't you go do some work?
Jim: Great. I will do that. Sorry, Pam, I just feel a little bit frazzled. And you know how very rarely I use that word. Frazzled.
Pam: I know, you don't like to be frazzled.
Jim: No, I don't.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: Oh, and by the way, hate that you're helping her with this right now. Totally.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Hey.
Pam: Hey. I'm not going to get in the car, because I know if I do you'll try to drive me to the hospital.
Jim: Ah, you know me too well.
Pam: Okay, Jim.
Jim: Yeah? ... Oh.
Pam: Everything is fine. You don't have to worry. Try not to think about it. She's not coming out for a while, okay?
Jim: Did you say "she?"
Pam: I called the doctor like a week ago. I couldn't wait... Oh, God, don't be mad.
Jim: Mad? How could I be mad? We're having a little girl.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Wow, we're having a little girl. Oh, man.


 Episode 616 Episode 619