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36Quotes from ‘The Boat’

The Office: The Boat

906. The Boat

Aired November 8, 2012

Andy is dealing with his family's financial troubles well, until it comes time to sell the family boat. Meanwhile, Nellie, Jim and Pam have fun with Dwight when he's supposed to give a radio interview.

Quote from Creed

Pam: [on the phone] Oh, great! Yeah, um, I'll get right back to you. [hangs up] Hey, guys. Anyone ever heard of Iris Black on the radio?
Creed: Yeah, she hosts the Dr. Laura Show.
Pam: Nope, that's Dr. Laura.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [wagging tongue for voice exercises] blah blah blah. Greta the tittle-tattle prattled on about the little metal bottle. She spat a bit of spittle on the moth that bit the cattle in a bitter battle. Hey, hey! Stop questioning my methods, okay? I was chosen for this task for a very good reason.
Jim: No, you chose yourself.
Dwight K. Schrute: Tricky Siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit....

Quote from Andy

Andy: Are the 'Nard's hurting? Yeah, you bet. Got kicked pretty hard. Family shattered, super sad. But, I'm kinda crushing it in the damage control department. So, that's cool. I wish my dad could see me now. Of course he caused this whole mess, so, [bleep] him.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Well, her show, Biz Whiz, wants someone from Dunder Mifflin to come on the air today. Does anybody feel particularly passionate about local business issues? [Dwight raises hand]
Dwight K. Schrute: I do. I do. I do. I do. I do.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: The media can make you famous. And do you have any idea how easy it is to sell something when you're famous? "Uh, yeah wow. 10 reams of 40 pound bond at only $690 after discount? Um, whatever you say, Brad Pitt." It's that easy.

Quote from Nellie

Dwight K. Schrute: [on the phone] Iris, let me tell you. David Wallace is the CEO, but he's not hands on.
Nellie: [as Iris] So the day-to-day operations are entirely under your command?
Dwight K. Schrute: Entirely is the perfect way to describe it, Iris.
Nellie: Uh, excuse me. [reading card held up by Jim] I'm being told by my sound engineer, Steve, that uh there is a clinking sound coming from your end. Does your shirt have buttons?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes..?
Nellie: I'm so sorry we're going to have to ask you to remove the shirt all together.
Dwight K. Schrute: [shirtless] Now then, we were saying. When my workers-gather-
Nellie: Oh, I'm so sorry. I am told we are still having problems, Mr. Schrute. Your voice, it's sounding a little feminine.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's impossible.
Nellie: Are you by any chance wearing pants with a metallic zipper?

Quote from Kevin

Angela: The Senator is exhausted. This campaign is wearing him out.
Oscar: That's a tough one.
Angela: That man he's up against is so dirty. And the senator's just pushing back as hard as he can.
Kevin: Please, stop.
Angela: What?
Kevin: Please, stop.
Angela: Anyways, last night he was tired and just wanted a little Mexican brought in. [Kevin laughs]
Kevin: [getting up to leave] I can't, it's too much! [laughing]
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: I'm in big trouble.
[also to camera:]
Kevin: Yeah, Oscar's in big trouble.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: [to camera crew] Can you guys come with me for a minute?
[later:]
Oscar: I know you saw me with the Senator. I think I'm in love, possibly for the first time. So yes, Senator Lipton and I are having an affair. I hope that I can count on your sensitivity, maturity and discretion. [turns to see Kevin, who looks shocked and drops his ice cream] Why?

Quote from Andy

Pam: Andy's family had a total meltdown. His dad blew through all their money and took off to Argentina with a younger woman.
Jim: And his brother, Walt Jr., locked himself in the wine cellar.
Pam: The weirdest part is Andy. The aftermath got dumped on him and the way he's been handling it is just so...
Jim: Competent.
Pam: Right?

Quote from Kevin

Oscar: Kevin, listen to me. I'm in love with the Senator. And I need time to sort this out in a responsible matter so I need your help in keeping it a secret because this means the world to me. Okay?
Kevin: That's beautiful. No, I totally get that.
Oscar: Can you do this, Kevin?
Kevin: I really want to. Whatever happens, always remember that.
Oscar: I don't know what that means. Hey, hey!

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: Hey, so that good looking single brother of yours? Heard he was on a downward spiral with booze.
Andy: Yeah. He's in rehab actually.
Meredith: Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour.
Andy: No, it's in New Mexico.
Meredith: Oh. So, how are you holding up?
Andy: We're done, Meredith.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: What happened?
Angela: Jammed. Could this day get worse?
Kevin: Yeah, I think this day could get worse.
Angela: What does that mean?
Oscar: Kevin!
Kevin: [to Angela] I don't know what you're talking about. [Thumbs up Oscar]

Quote from Erin

Andy: Guys, you don't understand, this boat's been in our family since before I was born.
Erin: Don't you guys have that place where you used to spend your summers and have all those memories?
Darryl: I worked at a Jiffy Lube.
Erin: See? I bet you wouldn't sell that Jiffy Lube for all the money in the world. Would you, Darryl?
Darryl: I would if I owned it and I went broke.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Oh yeah, just. Watermelon teeth. This isn't how I would cheer up just anyone. But, it's a girlfriend's job to know her man and I know Andy. [laughs] He's seriously juvenile.
Pete: Cool. He's like 40 though, right?
Erin: Oh no, he couldn't be more than late thirty's. Tops.

Quote from Nellie

Dwight K. Schrute: Vroom! Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin. Good. Sounds- [answering phone] This is Dwight Schrute.
Pam: Please hold for Ms. Black.
Nellie: [Darryl plays music on keyboard] And welcome back to Biz Whiz. I'm Iris Black. On the line we have Dunder Mifflin's senior sales associate Dwight Schrute.
Dwight K. Schrute: Iris, thank you so much for having me.

Quote from Kevin

Angela: Kevin, we're out of 11-38 forms. Did you order more?
Kevin: I... did not.
Angela: I don't know why I'm surprised. Literally nothing you do could surprise me anymore.
Kevin: [laughing in Oscar's direction] Oh really, Angela? That's interesting. Cause I do think that I could surprise you. I think that I could surprise you... oh, oh! ... I have to go to the bathroom!
Angela: That doesn't surprise me.
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: That actually wasn't the worst cover. I'd say at least once a week, Kevin runs out of the room shouting that he has to go to the bathroom.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [pantless] Okay, how is my voice now?
Nellie: I'm getting the all clear from Steve, so, Mr. Schrute, what is your response to the consumer product safety commission that says Dunder Mifflin paper is toxic?
Dwight K. Schrute: [holding hand over phone] This is gotcha journalism. You know what? They're not gonna gotch me.

Quote from Pam

Dwight K. Schrute: [on the phone] This is slander, Ms. Black. Slander I say! [Pam tells Jim to leave the conference room] I dare you to produce one credible source about this.
Nellie: [as Iris] Well, as it happens we have with us the foreman of your upstate New York paper mill, Sandra Mc... Sandra Mick.
Pam: [gravely voice] Good afternoon, Iris, it's a pleasure.
Nellie: Let's get straight to the point. Is your paper toxic?
Pam: No, the paper's not toxic.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you Sandra!
Pam: Unless it's exposed to oxygen. Then it becomes extremely toxic!
Dwight K. Schrute: Do not listen to her! This employee is obviously disgruntled!

Quote from Nellie

Jim: What the heck is going on?! The stock price is plummeting! Are you gonna take control of the message or do I have to send in someone who understands the media?!
Dwight K. Schrute: Get out of here moron! [Jim leaves]
Nellie: Excuse me, Mr. Dwight, who are you talking to?
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, no one.
Nellie: Did you just call Ms. Mick a moron?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, everything's fine.
Nellie: Are you insulting my guests?
Dwight K. Schrute: [chokes up]

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: [as Iris] The fallout from this morning's revelation continues to mount, since Mr. Dwight Schrute began speaking, Dunder Mifflin share prices fell 73%. Mr. Schrute, shareholders demand accountability from corporate leadership. Can we announce your resignation at this time?
Dwight K. Schrute: [on the phone] My resignation? What are you talking about? No! I was just following orders! Listen, the person responsible for this catastrophe is the CEO and chairman, David Wallace!

Quote from Erin

Erin: That's yours?
Andy: That's the family boat.
Erin: Oh my gosh, Andy. This is enormous.
Andy: Right?
Erin: I thought it was gonna be tiny. Oh my gosh, it's beautiful. So this is how your family came to America.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Nellie: For those just joining us, terror in Greenwich, where police have surrounded the house of Dunder Mifflin CEO David Wallace. Wallace is said to be despondent over the company's stock plummet and is taking a mailman hostage. On the line, we have chief of Greenwich Police, Mr. Bill Jackson.
Jim: [offending Darryl with an African-American accent] Good afternoon!
Dwight K. Schrute: Please sir! Spare him. Please.
Jim: Uh, this Wallace guy is lookin' at hard time. And we only know this because of what Dwight Snoot said on record!
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, everyone. Everyone, hold on! I've got a solution. I know Wallace's phone number, everyone hold, I'll conference him in.
Nellie: Oh, Mr. Schrute, there's really no need to, um involve Mr Wallace.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

David: [answering phone] Hello?
Dwight K. Schrute: David, is that you?
David: Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, thank god. Oh, thank god. Are you okay? Is everyone okay?
David: Yeah? Are you okay?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, I'm okay. I just want you to know that I believe in you. I really do. And I believe in your ability to make the right choices. I always have, David.
David: Well, thanks, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're welcome, sir. But David, listen to me carefully. I'm gonna need you to let the mailman go. Okay?
David: Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: Walk out of the house...
David: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: ...with your hands on top of your head, everything is going to be fine. Dunder Mifflin will be in good hands while you're away in prison.
David: Okay, Dwight, I'm gonna ask you to not call my cell anymore. Gotta go.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [enters the bullpen in his underwear to applause] Wait a minute, you guys? You heard?
All: Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Schrute!
Dwight K. Schrute: [joins in] Schrute! Schrute!
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Overall, I'd say my first radio interview went pretty much the way I expected.

Quote from Kevin

Oscar: I have to say I'm impressed with Kevin. Uh, he showed a lot of self-control.
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: I totally forgot about the affair for a minute. [laughs] Oscar is having sex with the senator and Angela doesn't even know. [still laughing] Her life is a complete sham!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Yes, the boat means everything to my family, but we need the money. Got the memories, don't need the boat. Can't cry about it. What are you gonna do? Cry about it? [chokes up] Excuse me!

Quote from Jim

Pam: Hey guys, WPTU called. The interview's off. They're opening a new cupcake store at the Steamtown Mall and Iris wants to cover that, so...
Nellie: Well, why don't I go and tell Dwight so he can stop being such a complete nipple.
Pam: He's gonna be disappointed.
Jim: Yes. He is. And you know what? We cannot let that happen.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Okay, who wants to go for a super fun lunch with a super fun girlfriend?
Andy: Look, it's not that I don't want-
Erin: Okay, come on. I got someone to cover the phones, I heard on the radio about a new cupcake place we could go for dessert...perfect.
Andy: All I ever wanted to do was sail the damn thing. But dad wouldn't let me. He said "You can't be a skipper until you're a man." You know, I'd reach for the wheel and he'd smack my hand away. Well guess what? Now I'm the man of the family and... we're selling the damn thing. So I'm never gonna have the chance.
Erin: Well, when does the boat leave, exactly?
Andy: Tonight.
Erin: Then screw lunch. Let's go for a sunset sail.
Andy: Yeah right. It's in Stamford, Connecticut. We have to leave like right now.
Erin: Okay, well then let's leave like right now.
Andy: Yeah, okay.
Erin: Yeah! Okay! Let's go.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: [looking at Kevin's folder] It's clearly not an accounting mistake.
Toby: Yeah.
Oscar: So...
Toby: Kevin. His gambling problem must've resurfaced. I'm gonna have to send him home until I can do an investigation.
Oscar: Well, you've gotta do what you've gotta do.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: [on the phone] Yeah, I will be right there. [hangs up] Hey, Oscar, what if I'm getting a promotion?
Oscar: I hope that's it, Kevin.
Kevin: Me too. Cause then, I would get my own office. And I wouldn't screw up your secret with Angela. I've been really worried about that.

Quote from Kevin

Toby: Hi, Kevin. Look, I need to talk to you about-
Kevin: Hi.
Oscar: Guys? Excuse me. Um, a quick word, please just..
Kevin: Oscar, we're in the middle of talking.
Oscar: You're right, I'm so sorry. Snack machine on me. [gives Kevin money]
Kevin: Oh that is nice. Classy move. [leaves]

Quote from Toby

Oscar: Those figures I gave you, they're false.
Toby: How?
Oscar: I was mad at Kevin, we had a fight and I acted vindictively.
Toby: So you set him up.
Oscar: Yes, he's innocent.
Toby: I knew it. I knew it from the beginning this was a possibility.
Oscar: What are you talking about? I just did this now.
Toby: Oh. A few years ago, when I was on the jury of the Scranton Strangler..
Oscar: Sure.
Toby: I always thought he might have been set up but I felt pressured to convict.
Oscar: That's gotta be tough.
Toby: Tough? I put an innocent man on death row.

Quote from Andy

Boat Guy: I hate to uh, ruin this moment...or breakdown, but you already signed the papers. So, if you want your boat back, you can pick it up there in the Bahamas in 10 days.
Andy: Yeah, I know cause I'm sailing it there.
Boat Guy: Okay, no. I already said, you're not getting back your deposit.
Andy: Fine. Good. Keep it. Just leave the supplies, I paid for those. But how much for that cool fisherman sweater?

Quote from Andy

Andy: Walt?
Walt Jr.: Oh god, thank goodness you're here. I was having a little trouble with this door. Yesterday. I um, I think it was yesterday.
Andy: I thought you were in rehab.
Walt Jr.: Yeah, uh, I just, I figured I'd get that first relapse out of the way. God, what's happened to our family? Everything is so messed up! How did you even know I was in here?
Andy: I didn't. I- I just came to say goodbye to the boat. But I've decided to sail it to Bermuda.
Erin: Bahamas, Andy!
Andy: Same thing. [To Walt] I need a crew. You should be my crew. Three weeks, open ocean, no booze. You need this. I need it. We need this. Serious bro time, come on.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Well, Oscar, I did not get the promotion. He just wanted to update my personal information.
Oscar: Well, I am sorry Kevin.
Angela: Why on earth would you think you were getting a promotion?
Kevin: You know what Angela? I- Oh my god. [Senator enters]
Angela: Honey! What are you doing here?
Senator Lipton: Oh, I just had a little intuition that someone I loved needed a little bit of attention today. Oscar, you're looking very healthy. Getting lots of vigorous exercise?
Oscar: No.
Angela: Oscar? What is going on? What was that?
Senator Lipton: What was that? I'm sorry, I didn't mean any offense. I was just trying to be friendly.
Oscar: You know what? I'm sorry. I overreacted. Because I'm stressed out. Why am I stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who-
Kevin: Come on, Oscar, we're not just gonna sit here and ignore the obvious. Senator Lipton has a big election next week. We all need to give him our support. [starts clapping]

Quote from Erin

Erin: Yes, I am very pleased I could help Andy. Would I have gone with him if he'd asked me? On his sailboat cruise to the Caribbean? Yes. I think that would have been really fun and romantic.

Quote from Pete

Pete: Hey. She's back.
Erin: Thanks for covering the phones.
Pete: Yeah, no problem. How was it?
Erin: Fine.
Pete: Hey, some buddies and I are going to Poor Richard's for beers and pool, you wanna come? I can't promise you too much, but uh, you might get to meet my friend flipper.
Erin: Does he have a flipper?
Pete: Oh. Nope. It's not that, he uh, uh he flipped a table one time when he was drunk.
Erin: He sounds like an idiot.
Pete: Yeah, he is.
Erin: Okay.
Pete: Okay.
Erin: Thanks.
Pete: Yeah.


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