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‘The Banker’ Quotes

The Office: The Banker

614. The Banker

Aired January 21, 2010

Michael and the team try to impress an investment banker who comes to value the Scranton branch. [CLIP SHOW]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And I'm pretty nervous about it. And I'm making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way, when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails, the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star or any number of drag queens.

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Quote from Pam

Pam: It might seem crazy, but since there's no one left in New York, Michael is Dunder Mifflin's highest ranking employee. So, that's where we are.

Quote from Michael Scott

Eric: Hi -
Dwight K. Schrute: [robotic voice over the PA system] Hello, Eric Ward. Welcome to Dunder Mifflin. I am Computron, your answer to everything.
Eric: Hello.
Michael Scott: [entering on a Segway] I see you've met Computron, our virtual helper. I'm Michael Scott. Welcome. Welcome. Computron is just one of the many modern devices that I have incorporated into the office. Watch this. Computron?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: What is the world's largest ocean?
Dwight K. Schrute: Calculating. Calculating. Pacific!
Michael Scott: Pacific Ocean. Pretty cool, huh?
Andy: Great news, Michael. We're now the official paper supplier of the NFL.
Michael Scott: That is fantastic. It's good, but it's not good enough. Keep working. And here's Pam. She's our international sales consultant.
Pam: Hello.
Dwight K. Schrute: The NFL celebrated its 50th anniversary in 1972.
Pam: Hola. Bonjour. Ni Hao.

Quote from Michael Scott

Eric: Uh, I just need to check out your warehouse and then talk to your HR guy. That is pretty much the only reason I'm here.
Michael Scott: Okay. Well, I thought I'd show you around a little bit -
Eric: Right.
Michael Scott: Since you made the trip out. And I got us reservations at Cooper's Seafood. You like lobster? You've had lobster before, right?
Eric: Yeah.
Michael Scott: They make the best Maine lobster in the world. You'll love it.
Dwight K. Schrute: [as Computron] Mul Yam in Tel Aviv is better.
Michael Scott: No, Computron, actually I think Cooper's is the best. You're gonna love it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you calling me wrong?

Quote from Toby

Toby: I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't want to lie and I don't want to tell the truth.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: I don't care if he goes and files a report and says that we're nothing special because I think our future is very bright. We have only just begun.
Dwight K. Schrute: [as Computron] Computron experiencing emotion.
Michael Scott: Computron, I'm gonna pull your plug. Okay? Buddy?
Computron: Okay.
Michael Scott: Just sh-
Dwight K. Schrute: Please don't. Computron wants to live.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Eric: So, um, the manager, Michael Scott is a bit of a character.
Dwight K. Schrute: He has more character in a single flake of his dandruff then you have in that entire snow bank on your shoulder. Wait, what was the question?
Toby: What are, are you doing at my desk?
Dwight K. Schrute: Ignore him. He's the local lunatic.
Toby: Come on, Dwight. Get out of here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Dwight? Who is this Dwight? Oh! You mean Dwight Schrute, the company's top salesman and the creator of Computron. I wear many hats but the one I'm currently wearing is that of gracious host.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hello, Stanley.
Fake Stanley: Hi.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: For the record? Not on board with fake Stanley. Although, I get it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Toby's favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Sorry. Hey, Toby Flenderson. Nice to meet you. How can I help?
Eric: Um, are there any outstanding liability issues to be aware of?
Toby: What do you mean?
Eric: Well, safety issues, injuries that could leave the company open to potential lawsuits.
Toby: Um... nothing comes to mind.

Quote from Toby

Eric: So, the staff?
Toby: Mm-hmm.
Eric: Are people generally happy?
Toby: Happy's a funny word.
Eric: In what way?
Toby: You know, uh, what does it mean to be happy. Keep philosophers busy for awhile.
Eric: So... generally?
Toby: Yes.
Eric: Generally.
Toby: Generally happy.

Quote from Toby

Eric: What about non-safety issues, in terms of liability? Sexual harassment. Anything like that?
Toby: Oh, I don't know.
Eric: You, you don't know.
Toby: I don't know.
Eric: You're the head of Human Resources.
Toby: I don't know. No.

Quote from Michael Scott

Eric: Waste is next.
Michael Scott: Waste? What does that even mean? Like garbage?
Eric: No, waste of time and resources.
Michael Scott: Oh, time and resources.
Toby: Look, you know, in any company there's going to be certain degrees-
Michael Scott: No. No. No. No. No. No. Respectfully, Toby, no. No. This company does not waste time or resources, ever.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: This is a building where friends become lovers and lovers become sexually interactive. [to Toby] Right? Would you agree with that?
Toby: Michael, this is really inappropriate to talk about.
Michael Scott: That's, that is true.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I feel very sorry for that banker because he has to evaluate what we are worth. He has to decide what we are capable of and how do you do that? What is Jim capable of? Or Pam? Or Kevin?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon. Called my man, Dwight, just to see what was shakin'.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty.
Michael Scott: So check out how we live
Both: in the Electric City!
Michael Scott: They call it Scranton!
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: The Electric City. Lazy Scranton, the Electric City. They call it that 'cause of the electricity. The city's laid out from East to West and our public parks are libraries are truly the best. Call poison control if you're bitten by a spider.
Dwight K. Schrute: But check that it's covered by your
Both: Healthcare Provider!
Michael Scott: Plenty of space in the parking lot.
Dwight K. Schrute: But the little cars go in the compact spot!
Both: Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot.
Michael Scott: Snack attack time.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't lose your head.
Michael Scott: We like Cugino's
Both: for the tasty bread.
Michael Scott: They call it Scranton!
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight K. Schrute: [pause] What?
Michael Scott: Ugh.


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