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37Quotes from ‘The Coup’

The Office: The Coup

303. The Coup

Aired October 5, 2006

After Michael gets in trouble for playing movies during office hours, Angela encourages Dwight to launch a coup and claim Michael's job.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Business is like a jungle. And I am like a tiger. And Dwight is like a monkey that stabs the tiger in the back with a stick. Does the tiger fire the monkey? Does the tiger transfer the monkey to another branch? Pun. There's no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger's head. We don't have the technology.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jan: Dwight, you must feel strongly to speak with me this way, behind Michael's back, and turn on so many of your co-workers.
Dwight K. Schrute: The decision to turn on Michael was difficult. But once I did it, I didn't look back. And mostly I feel that Michael would approve. It's really what's best for the branch. And I could care less about my co-workers. So, here we are. It's all on the table. I want the branch. And I await your decision. Oh, by the way, there's a new Ann Taylor outlet store near here. I know you like their earrings.
Jan: Where is it?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: But I think you should do it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, gosh, if you think I should then I will.
Michael Scott: Perfect. Well, we're settled.
Dwight K. Schrute: All right.
Michael Scott: All right. Well, then you are now Acting Manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton branch, and I am Assistant Regional Manager.
Dwight K. Schrute: Assistant to the Regional Manager.

Quote from Jim

Jim: At the Stamford branch, they all play this World War II videogame called Call of Duty. And they're all really into it. I'm told that it started as a teambuilding exercise. Unfortunately, I really suck at it. We didn't play many videogames in Scranton. Instead, we'd do stuff like Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high-pitched note and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor. And Pam called it Pretendonitis.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I have this little old vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: How would a movie increase productivity, Michael? How on Earth would it do that?
Michael Scott: People work faster after.
Jan: Magically?
Michael Scott: No. They have to, to make up for the time they lost watching the movie.
Jan: No.

Quote from Angela

Angela: I know that patience and loyalty are good and virtuous traits, but sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jan: [o.s., answering phone] Hello?
Dwight K. Schrute: Is this Jan?
Jan: Who is this?
Dwight K. Schrute: This is Dwight Schrute. [Jan sighs] I am calling about an extremely sensitive matter.
Jan: You should talk to Michael and he'll talk to me, and that way we don't have to speak to each other.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's about Michael.
Jan: What about him?
Dwight K. Schrute: I can't talk here. It's too sensitive.
Jan: It's not about a surprise party, is it?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, but we should discuss that another time.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jan: [on the phone] Look, I'm already an hour outside of Scranton, Dwight, I'm not coming back.
Dwight K. Schrute: Pull over at Exit 40. There is a Liz Claiborne outlet. I know you like that store. Go inside and shop until I can meet you.
Jan: How do you know I like that store?
Dwight K. Schrute: Many of your blouses are Claibornes.
Jan: How do you know that?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's part of my job.
Jan: No, it's not. It's officially not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Noted.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Did you get anything good?
Jan: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: New blouse? Halter-top? Camisole? Teddy?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I could save the branch.
Jan: Really?
Dwight K. Schrute: If you let me run it.
Jan: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I can run it?
Jan: What would you do differently?
Dwight K. Schrute: Mostly get rid of waste, which is half the people there. And clean house.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: [on speaker phone] Michael!
Michael Scott: Hi.
Jan: I had a very interesting conversation with one of your employees.
Michael Scott: Oh, that's nice.
Jan: No, it wasn't. Dwight just told me that he thinks he can run the branch better than you.
Michael Scott: What?
Jan: Uh-huh.
Michael Scott: You were at the dentist?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What was Dwight thinking? That he could turn Jan against me? She's my ex-lover-ish.

Quote from Andy

Josh: This is not working, okay? We are getting slaughtered out there.
Andy: It's the new guy.
Jim: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know what we're talking about.
Andy: See what I mean?
Josh: We just need a strategy, okay? We're gonna set up a trap in the gunroom. All right? Jim, are you using the MP40 or the. 44?
Jim: Um, sniper rifle?
Josh: Snipe- What? Jim!
Andy: In Carentan?
Josh: Are you playing for the other team? You don't snipe in Carentan, okay?
Andy: It's saboteur! Saboteur! Andy, it's not I'm gonna kill you for real. This game, the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Do you want an M&M?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, thanks. I'm stuffed.
Michael Scott: No, seriously, you should have an M&M, they're really good.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay.
Michael Scott: Good, huh?
Dwight K. Schrute: So good.
Michael Scott: Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple of hours after you've had a crown put in.
Dwight K. Schrute: They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding. So...
Michael Scott: Sounds like a good dentist.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, yeah.
Michael Scott: What's his name?
Dwight K. Schrute: Crentist.
Michael Scott: Your dentist's name is Crentist?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.
Dwight K. Schrute: Maybe that's why he became a dentist.
Michael Scott: Let me see your teeth. Let me see them. Let me see them. You should floss them.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know.
Michael Scott: Well, then. I'm glad you're okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Wow. This is tough!
Dwight K. Schrute: What? What is it?
Michael Scott: Well, I just got off the phone with Jan. And, um, she demoted me.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: Yeah. You know what the craziest part of this is? She demoted me to your job. And she said that you should be expecting a call later from corporate, and that I guess that means that you are going to be acting manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton.
Dwight K. Schrute: I can't believe this news. That- Wow!
Michael Scott: Yeah. I told her I didn't know whether you'd want to do it because you've always been so loyal to me. You've been my most trusted ally.
Dwight K. Schrute: You said that?
Michael Scott: Yup, I did. I did.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, hi, hello, everybody. I have some good news and I have some bad news. I am being replaced as your leader by Dwight.
Phyllis: You're kidding.
Michael Scott: You might think that I am kidding, and I understand that.
Angela: Congratulations, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you, Angela.
Stanley: But, why Dwight?
Michael Scott: Because Dwight never lies.
Stanley: How does that qualify him to run a branch?
Michael Scott: Because that's all it takes. Okay, Dwight, would you like to say a few words to everybody about loyalty?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you, Michael. I just want to say, to the few of you who will remain under my employ, that I intend to lead you into the black with ferocity!

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Maybe I'll quit.

Quote from Karen

Karen: Look how cute he is. And he's trying to shoot with a smoke grenade.
Jim: I'm sorry, what are you whispering about me?
Karen: No, nothing. Just concentrate on turning around.
Jim: Yeah, I'm trying, I just-
Karen: Just tap "S" then "D."
Jim: Oh.
Karen: Any last words? No?
Jim: What? Wow! Psychopath.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: "Hug it out, bitch." That is what men say to each other after a fight. They hug it out. And in doing so, they just let it go. And walk away, and they're done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman, however, I have found. Doesn't translate.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Yup, yup, we hugged it out. But it turns out I was still a little angry and so I felt I needed to punish him just a little bit more. [Dwight is stood on a table in the office wearing a sign that says "Liar"] And I'm making him do my laundry for a year.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Movie Monday! The only cure I know for the Monday blues is Varsity Blues.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Movie Monday started with training videos. But we went through those pretty fast. Then we watched a medical video. Since then, it's been half-hour installments of various movies, with the exception of an episode of Entourage, which Michael made us watch six times.
[later, also to camera:]
Michael Scott: Entourage!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Previously on Varsity Blues...
Kevin: Okay, Billy Bob got a head injury, but Coach made him play. So then Lance, he gets sacked and he's out for the year.

Quote from Angela

Dwight K. Schrute: Not everyone approves of Movie Monday. I won't say who.
[later, also to camera:]
Angela: I don't approve. I don't.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: Michael is going to get us all fired. You sat back and let him play that dumb movie and now Jan is peeved off and we're all going to lose our jobs.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's not going to happen.
Angela: You know she has it out for him now!
Dwight K. Schrute: That's not his fault! He had to follow his heart.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carole, Jan's been bitching out on him. Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also weak arms.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: No, you haven't even tried it on yet. Try it on.
Pam: Not at work. I'll try it on-
Kelly: Fashion show. Fashion show at lunch!
Pam: No-
Kelly: Fashion show, fashion show at lunch. Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!

Quote from Jim

Andy: Why did you do that?
Jim: I'm just killing Germans any way I can.
Andy: We're on the German team. Shoot the British.
Jim: Wait, are we playing teams?
Karen: Yeah.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm going to the dentist.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: I have to have an emergency crown put in.
Michael Scott: Ouchy.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. It's a new dentist. He's far. I might be gone three hours.
Michael Scott: Three hours? Wow! Have fun.

Quote from Karen

Karen: Call of Duty!

Quote from Michael Scott

Phyllis: Michael? What will you do?
Michael Scott: Oh, I'll be fine.
Kevin: Do you have any savings?
Michael Scott: No, no, I don't.
Kevin: But, Michael, you might lose your condo.
Michael Scott: I won't. I won't.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: It's really happening.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Angela: We can make a difference here.
Dwight K. Schrute: I will make a difference here.
Angela: You alone? 'cause I thought together we were-
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, please! Don't be naive. But you can be in charge of the women.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Well, I remember why I dress the way I do at work. But I'm gonna keep the clothes. I mean, it'll just be cool to have some after-work clothes that aren't pajamas.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, I guess it's time that I turn over the keys to the famous Sebring.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, thank you.
Michael Scott: It's a corporate lease, Dwight, you've earned it.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, thanks.
Michael Scott: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: Not my style.
Michael Scott: But you said you liked it. You've always admired it. And-
Dwight K. Schrute: But that was before. I'm thinking about getting something German, something with decent gas mileage. Plus, that convertible is a ridiculous choice for this climate.
Michael Scott: Take it back.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: That's my car.
Dwight K. Schrute: What did you-
Michael Scott: That's my car!
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I know, Dwight, I know. I know, I know.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know what?
Michael Scott: Jan called me about your little meeting!
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: I know what you did. You-
Dwight K. Schrute: The Sebring's cool.
Michael Scott: I made the whole thing up, Dwight!
Dwight K. Schrute: It's cool, the Sebring's cool-
Michael Scott: Oh, do you? Do you like it?
Dwight K. Schrute: And has a cassette and a CD.
Michael Scott: How dare you? How dare you, Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't fire me. Please, don't-
Michael Scott: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't fire you right here on the spot?
Dwight K. Schrute: I have excellent sales numbers!
Michael Scott: Not good enough!
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll do anything! Anything! Please, I'll do your laundry for a month! For a year!
Michael Scott: I have a laundry machine!
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm sorry. Anything- I'II- Please? Please?
Michael Scott: I don't know if I can trust you anymore.
Dwight K. Schrute: You can't. You can't, but I promise I'll never betray you again. What can I do, Michael? What can I do? What can I do? What can I do? What can I do?
Michael Scott: You can get up.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: Get up. And you can hug it out, bitch.


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