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30Quotes from ‘Andy's Play’

The Office: Andy's Play

703. Andy's Play

Aired October 7, 2010

Andy invites his co-workers to attend the opening night of a local production of "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street", but the colleague he most wanted to be there, Erin, makes other plans.

Quote from Creed

Creed: [on cell phone] Unfortunately, in this ham-fisted production of Sweeney Todd, the real terror comes from the vocal performances. New paragraph.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: In the criminal justice system, the people are defended by two separate but equally important groups, the police who investigate the crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Kun-kun! [imitates vacuum cleaner] I'm just a cleaning lady. Aah! A dead body. He wrapped his belt around his own neck. It looks like a classic case of auto-erotic asphyxiation. Yeah, looks like everyone's tightening their belts in this economy. [humming theme music] Last time you saw the victim, was he happy? Last time I saw this John, he was-he wasn't a victim, if you know what I'm talkin' about.
Shelby: Thanks you.
Michael Scott: No, that was- I'm just getting into the first act.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I really wanted to see Andy's play, because he's so, so talented. But I've been trying to get in the babysitting game forever. The thirteen-year-olds in this town have a complete monopoly. It's almost like a babysitters club.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Gabe is not coming, which is huge because my plan is to make Erin fall back in love with me tonight. Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: They say that no one can take your pride, but the people who cast Andy's play, they took mine.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: Jim, Pam, you guys are in, right?
Pam: Oh, we wanted to, but our sitter just fell through. I'm really sorry.
Andy: Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, no, thank you. Last time I went to the theater, a man dressed as a cat sat on my lap.

Quote from Michael Scott

Stanley: You brought balloons to a play?
Michael Scott: I did, because I am being the bigger man, and balloons are bigger than flowers.
Phyllis: It's nice, like Up.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Usher: Excuse me, are you the guy who did an entire Law & Order episode for his audition?
Michael Scott: Nope.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: That was more horrifying than Nunsense.
Dwight K. Schrute: All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it's dried. I've already eaten, like, 30 apricots.

Quote from Creed

Darryl: I had no idea. This plumber has pipes!
Michael Scott: Yeah, good job. Well done.
Sweeney Todd: You're the guy who booed me.
Michael Scott: Hmm? No, there were a lot of people booing you. I wasn't one of em.
Sweeney Todd: No, I saw you, and you were the only one.
Michael Scott: Get your eyes checked, chuckle-head.
Creed: Be cool, Michael. I saw this guy kill a bunch of people. Good work.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, what's going on here? Post-show blues?
Andy: Yeah, I guess you could say that.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I get those every day after work.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Andy, listen to me. Look me in the eye. I thought that you were awesome.
Andy: Stop just saying that.
Michael Scott: I am not just saying that. You can trust that I am telling you the truth. I booed someone tonight. I have no filter. And if I thought you were terrible, I would have booed. And if I thought you had done a better job, I would be saying nicer things right now. But I thought that you were exactly awesome. No better, no worse.
Andy: Thank you. That feels good.
Michael Scott: I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it. Total integrity.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Did you write this?
Andy: No.
Erin: Who did?
Andy: Steven Sondheim.
Erin: Who is he?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, that was amazing! That was awesome! I auditioned for this. When did the cast list go up?
Andy: Like a month ago.
Michael Scott: Really? They didn't call me. Who am I playing? ... Andy?

Quote from Michael Scott

Andy: Will you please be the bigger man and come to my show?
Michael Scott: I wish I could, Andy, but I can't. I have plans that night. I'm going to see a friend in a play called Sweeney Todd. You're that friend. I'm going to see your play.
Andy: Noishe!
Michael Scott: And scene.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Angela? Don't like her anymore. Not attracted to her anymore. Just contractually obligated to make a baby with her.

Quote from Angela

Dwight K. Schrute: Give me the punch card.
Angela: No. If you want to punch the punch card, you have to take me to the show.
Dwight K. Schrute: That is not in the contract.
Angela: Well, there's a lot of gray area in that clause. Do you want to re-mediate?
Dwight K. Schrute: Alright, fine. I'll go to your little show, but I'm not wearing a cape.
Angela: Thank you.
[aside to camera:]
Angela: Dwight and I have a contractual agreement to procreate five times, plain and simple. And should he develop feelings for me, well, that would be permissible under item 7C, clause 2, so I would not object.

Quote from Darryl

Michael Scott: This is ridiculous. You'd think they'd discourage people from bringing in balloons.
Darryl: Hey, I think this guy playing Sweeney Todd is my plumber.
Michael Scott: No, Darryl. This guy's a world-class actor. He doesn't daylight as your plumber.
Darryl: No, it's my plumber. Says so in his bio. Apparently the director discovered him doing karaoke. It's his first play. He didn't even audition.
Michael Scott: Are you kidding me?
Darryl: Shhh. If we don't listen to the overture, we won't recognize the musical themes when they come back later.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [whispering to man sitting next to him] I work with that guy.
Angela: Ugh! There's gum on the seat and now it's on my work skirt. I have to go change.
Dwight K. Schrute: Too bad. I'm not gonna explain anything that you miss.
Angela: Oh, Dwight, just move.
Dwight K. Schrute: [whispering to man sitting next to him] His name's Andy. He's a terrible salesman.

Quote from Angela

Angela: Come on, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Why are you dressed like a seed catalog model?
Angela: These are just my dirty old gardening clothes. They were all that I had in my car.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's go.

Quote from Pam

Pam: [on cell phone] Hey, Erin, it's Pam. How ya doing? No, no, don't put Cece on the phone, because she can't talk yet. Okay. No, I was just calling to see how everything's going. Yeah? Yeah? It's good? The play? The play is kind of great. I mean, it's fun to hear Andy sing in the appropriate setting. No, he's really sorry you couldn't make it, too. Yeah. So thank you so much, again. We're having a great time. Oh, they're flashing the lights so we should go in. Thanks. Bye.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Just checking my e-mails. See if I got any last-minute "break a legs" or "I still love you" type texts. Doesn't look like I got anything. Maybe on my Facebook wall.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd! I found her!
Sweeney Todd: You found Johanna.
Andy: That monster of a judge has locked her-[cell phone chiming]. Locked her away. [phone continues]
Sweeney Todd: There's a little bird fluttering around. Do hope it ceases chirping. [audience laughs]
Michael Scott: How is that funny?
Sweeney Todd: The bird continues to call. Someone please turn off your... bird. Oh, for the love-turn your phone off! There are signs!
Andy: Oh, it appears the bird was in mine own pocket this whole time. He's gone to sleep now, I've closed his beak. [Michael laughs]
Sweeney Todd: What is the news of my darling daughter Johanna?
Andy: [text message chime] You know what? Let me just double check, that bird... Okay, good. It's off. I mean, silenced. I silenced it by killing it. I've killed it! I'm a murderer! Just like you, Sweeney Todd. See, it all connects. Not that I know you're a murderer. My character doesn't know that yet. But I'm suspicious, because of all the razors that you have laying around. And you spend time alone. But you're a barber, so that's legit. So there's that. But...

Quote from Andy

Andy: [excited] That's really irresponsible of Erin. She's a terrible babysitter.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I just didn't think that you guys were gonna see us. We were just gonna stop by and get some ice cream and then go home.
Jim: Okay, this was pretty simple-
Pam: Why are you here?
Jim: Really, all you had to do was play with her for, like, 30 minutes and then put her to bed.
Pam: What possible explanation could you have for possibly being here? I don't... You know, babies shouldn't have ice cream, by the way.
Erin: I'm sorry. I just really wanted to see Andy. You guys made it sound so unmissable, and you set me up with a car seat and everything.
Jim: Well, the car seat was to take her to the hospital, or...
Erin: Oh, no, why would I take her to the hospital?
Pam: You know what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
Erin: Why don't I just take her home and let you guys finish, and then you should stay out as late as you want.
Jim: No, we're good. Thank you, though.
Erin: Okay. Alright, bye Cece.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Okay.
Jim: Alright, well, we're never leaving the house again.
Pam: Not together!

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: You didn't have to boo him.
Michael Scott: Well, he was getting a lot of applause, and I just didn't think it was indicative of how people were really feeling.
Darryl: How would you like it if we booed you?
Michael Scott: That would never happen.
Darryl: Boo! Boo!
Michael Scott: Okay. I appreciate the feedback.
Darryl: Boo! Boo!
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: I don't like that at all.

Quote from Andy

Andy: These would have been your seats. Best seats in the house. Lots of people think it would be the front row, but actually, right here, this is where the speakers converge, and the sound just, like, nails you right here.
Erin: This is awesome.

Quote from Jim

Jim: [attempting to move car seat] It's like The Hurt Locker!
Pam: This night was a disaster.
Jim: No, it was not a disaster. It was weird, but it wasn't a disaster. I think we have, like, a gift bottle of Irish cream.
Pam: Yeah?
Jim: We could put that in orange juice.
Pam: Get it.
Jim: Yeah?
Pam: Let's get our juice on.
Jim: Yeah!

Quote from Andy

Darryl: Andy, sing us another song.
Andy: Thanks, but I feel like a loner right now.
Phyllis: Oh, come on, Andy, you were the highlight.
Michael Scott: Come on, Andy, seriously.
All: Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
Andy: Okay, all right, all right, all right. [singing as Darryl plays the piano] I try to say good-bye and I choke try to walk away and I stumble though I try to hide it, it's clear my world crumbles when you are not here I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you I keep my cool, but I'm finding I try to say good-bye and I choke try to walk away and I stumble though I try and hide it, it's clear my world crumbles when you are not here my world it crumbles when you are not here.


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