Trending ‘The Office’ Quotes

Quote from Michael Scott in The Job

David: So, let me ask you a question right off the bat, what do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?
Michael Scott: Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard, I care too much, and sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
David: Okay. And your strengths?
Michael Scott: Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths.
David: Oh. Yes. Very good.
Michael Scott: There you go.


Quote from Andy in Traveling Salesmen / The Return

Michael Scott: Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.
Andy: Where are you going? Want me to come with? Listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football, Cornell, Hofstra. Slaughter. Then, quick nap at my place and we hit the tizzown.
Michael Scott: No. I don't wanna do any of that.
Andy: Duh. Which is why I was joking about doing it.
Michael Scott: No, just stop. Stop. Just stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.
Andy: Fine, I'll just go sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [ringtone starts again] Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little news flash. It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freaking un-funny! God! [punches his fist into the wall] That was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?
Pam: Yeah.
Andy: Sure? Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott in Launch Party

Michael Scott: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?
Kevin: Wait. Alfredo's pizza cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?
Michael Scott: Same thing. [everyone groans] You know what, I don't understand when you all talk at the same time!
Kevin: Oscar, talk to him.
Oscar: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients and in overall taste. Which one did you order from?
Michael Scott: Pizza by Alfredo. [everyone groans] All right, you know what? Okay, okay. What is better, a medium amount of good pizza, or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?
All: A medium amount of good pizza.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Delivery

Dwight K. Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jonas.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Warf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes you can.
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.

Quote from Darryl in Sex Ed

Darryl: We should schedule meetings, 'cause the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying?
Andy: No, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: I don't know what's got you upset but my advice is stop crying.
Andy: I'm not crying, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: Look, you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It's all about heart, and character. Be your best self.
Andy: Okay.
Darryl: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: I have no idea what his problem is. That's just my standard advice. It's good advice, right?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Body Language

Kelly: For hobbies, um, yoga, belly dancing, snake charming. Beds of nails. I like lying on them.
Dwight K. Schrute: Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is Hidetoshi Hasagawa. He would like to apply for the Sabre minority executive training program "print in all colors" initiative.
Kelly: Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: Helping heal America in a dramatic fashion in the 11th hour.
Kelly: God, I hate you so much!
Dwight K. Schrute: Caucasians, am I right?

Quote from Michael Scott in Mafia

Waitress: Have you decided?
Mr. Grotti: I'll have the linguine, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back.
Waitress: Okay, sir. And for you, sir?
Michael Scott: I will have the gabba-gool.
Waitress: The what?
Michael Scott: The gabba-gool.
Waitress: I don't- I don't really know what that is.
Andy: You know, gabba-gool.
Michael Scott: I don't have to have that.
Dwight K. Schrute: What he's trying to say is gabba-gool.
Waitress: I don't really think that we have that.
Michael Scott: That's okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Bring him the gabba-gool!
Michael Scott: I will have the spaghetti. With a side salad.
Waitress: Okay.
Michael Scott: If the salad is on top, I will send it back.

Quote from Michael Scott in Night Out

Ryan: Bottle service ya'll?
Michael Scott: Okay. All I know is I would like some chicken fingers and a Midori Sour.
Waitress: We don't serve food here.
Michael Scott: Okay. Then just bring me two cups, one with olives, and another one filled with maraschino cherries.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Initiation

Ryan: They really didn't like me.
Dwight K. Schrute: They did not. But they didn't have to say it to your face.
Ryan: I don't get it. I don't get what I did wrong.
Dwight K. Schrute: Not everything's a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail. It's those online paper jerks. The whole business is changing. You know what? They're gonna be screwed once this whole Internet fad is over.

Quote from Ryan in Michael's Last Dundies

Michael Scott: FYI, tonight we will be hosting at Louie Volpies!
Kevin: Nice.
Phyllis: I love their bread sticks.
Pam: Oh, their bread sticks are like crack.
Ryan: I love when people say "like crack" when they've obviously never done crack.
Pam: Well, the bread sticks are like what then, Ryan? What can I use?
Ryan: I don't know. Something from your world. The breadsticks are like scrapbooking.
Pam: You're right, you're right. No, I'm a middle class fraud.

Quote from Robert in Get the Girl

Robert: Not much we can do about this until he gets here.
Jim: Can't you do something about this?
Robert: Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim.
Jim: ... Right.

Quote from Ryan in Counseling

Ryan: Psychiatrists tend to be more crazy than their patients. Therapists are whores. Psychiatry is a narcissism machine. I learn more from Dr. Seuss than from Dr. Freud. Earth: you don't have to be crazy to live here, but it helps. I don't know. Just use the best one.

Quote from Michael Scott in The Deposition

Jan: I don't know, I just I never felt welcomed there, you know?
Michael Scott: That's-
Jan: It's such a boys' club.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I hate that. So here's the deal. I am on my way to New York to be deposed as part of Jan's wrongful termination lawsuit. The company fired her for having the courage to augment her boobs.
Jan: And they displayed a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behaviors.
Michael Scott: Yes, yes. Pat-tern. Patt-ern. My friend friend Pat took a turn. That's how I remember that. Could we pull over and put down the top? My- I'm feeling a little queasy.
Jan: No, I want it up. My hair. Remember, it's not just a pattern. It's a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behaviors.
Michael Scott: Disree. My friend Disree got new specs. Disree spect. My friend Inapro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.
Jan: Does this work for you?
Michael Scott: Yep!

Quote from Darryl in Search Committee

Jo: Whose is this? Darryl Philbin. Oh. Very nice to see a familiar face on top. Ah... A little long aren't we? Four pages? Is this the same Darryl Philbin who's had two jobs in ten years at one company?
Darryl: Yes, thanks to you, who promoted me, after we, uh, interfaced.
Jo: "Coordinated and implemented receipt storage and delivery of over 2.5 billion units of inventory." 2.5 billion, Darryl? 2.5 billion units of what?
Darryl: Paper material, ma'am.
Jo: Paper material?
Darryl: [softly] Pieces of paper.

Quote from Kelly in After Hours

Darryl: "I got too much ice cream. You want some?" "Getting' my fry on."
Kelly: Boring.
Darryl: Uh, "The moon is huge tonight."
Phyllis: Ooh, gosh, the moon one's damning. Yeah, sorry.
Darryl: That's regular text talk.
Brandon: You forgot one.
Darryl: "You're such a great friend."
Brandon: With the dots.
Darryl: "You're such a great friend, dot dot dot dot dot."
Kelly: Five dots, Darryl, are you kidding me? Okay, 'cause three dots means "To be continued", four dots is a typo, but five dots means "Whoa, do not make me say what I want to say, baby, but if I did, it would blow your mind, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.

Quote from Kevin in Fundraiser

Kevin: My dog Ruby doesn't do anything. She just lays there all day. She's so chill.
Pam: What do you feed her?
Kevin: Well I put out Pro Bow-Wow, but she barely touches it. She's so dainty.
Darryl: Is she sick? How are her poops?
Kevin: Doesn't really poop. It's perfect, nothing to pick up. She just kind of lies there all day like a good girl. I put on the TV for her, but I have to prop her eyes open so she can see it.
Pam: Does she smell?
Kevin: She smells horrible. It's unbelievable. But I don't want to put her in the bath, because I'm afraid that she'll drown.
[back home:]
Kevin: People seem awful interested in you, Ruby. Guess they're just jealous, right! [dog licks Kevin's face.] Yeah, that a girl. That a girl. Man that stinks.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Boat

Dwight K. Schrute: [wagging tongue for voice exercises] blah blah blah. Greta the tittle-tattle prattled on about the little metal bottle. She spat a bit of spittle on the moth that bit the cattle in a bitter battle. Hey, hey! Stop questioning my methods, okay? I was chosen for this task for a very good reason.
Jim: No, you chose yourself.
Dwight K. Schrute: Tricky Siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit....

Quote from Robert in Turf War

[After Robert vomits in the trash can by Jim's desk]
Jim: Robert?
Oscar: Why did Binghamton close?
Robert: Can everyone just, please... I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and – how should I say this – Colombian whites. What- What is this about, uh, Binghamton?
Kevin: The branch closed. Forever.
[aside to camera:]
Robert: Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today. Or, I guess, last night. But, in vino veritas, as they say. I'm not gonna start doubting my drunken self now.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Tallahassee

Dwight K. Schrute: Shopping habits are both seasonal and cyclical. What does this mean?
Ryan: I can field this one.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, sit down. "Seasonal." Well, the Christmas shopping season is certainly a busy one, back-to-school is, as well, and in early summer it seems to slow down a bit, but shopping is also cyclical. The menstrual cycle determines every choice a woman makes. You see, during ovulation, a woman's only goal is to get pregnant, and during menses, she is sad that she has failed. And how does the woman console herself? Shopping. Shopping. Just- Jim, could you fetch me some ice chips? Thank you. Just gonna... take a... brief pause at this point. [Jim gives Dwight a bowl of ice chips] Thank you. [Dwight sticks his head in the bowl] Oh, God. Next slide.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Training Day

Deangelo: Can I just say, I am so excited to be working here. Little bit about myself, I love the American Southwest, for starters. You may call them Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah, I call them heaven. I have a peanut allergy. It's something I live with, it's a part of me. I've learned to cope with it. What else? I'm just as comfortable at the ball game as I am at the opera. I was a-
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Did I want to be made manager? Sure. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? No. But life goes on. Not for me.