Trending The Office Quotes

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Gossip

Dwight K. Schrute: Look at the intern to your left. Now to your right. One of you will do exceedingly well in business, just unlimited potential. One of you will make a living, and nothing more. And one of you will make a great mother. It's up to you to choose which you want to be.


Quote from Jan in The Deposition

Diane Kelly: Mr. Scott, this is a copy of a particularly negative performance review. Would you mind reading the date on that, please?
Michael Scott: March 17th.
Diane Kelly: And that would be a month after your relationship became official. Is that correct?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Diane Kelly: You may read the highlighted portion out loud, if you'd like to.
Michael Scott: "I'm out of carrots. I'm out of sticks. Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable employee and a poor branch manager. I recommend he be removed from that position and reassigned to sales, where he belongs."
Diane Kelly: After hearing that, wouldn't you say that Ms. Levinson's judgment is at least very seriously flawed? Mr. Scott?

Quote from Pam in Counseling

Gabe: The problem, unfortunately, is about the office administrator. I have gone through everything for the past three years. There is nothing that says you're office administrator.
Pam: So weird that there is no paperwork.
Gabe: At all.
Pam: Although, like, unlikely things happen all the time. My best friend, in High School, she went to Australia, Canberra I think, and she met this guy who lived only two streets away in America.
Gabe: Pam, I don't want to accuse you of anything. I just want everything to be back the way it's supposed to be. Can you just admit- Admit...
Pam: Admit what?
Gabe: I don't want to say it.
Pam: Say it.
Gabe: Nuh-uh.
Pam: Say that I'm lying or say that I have the job. Make a definitive statement, Gabe.
Gabe: Statements of such nature, while they have their place, are overused in a competitive business environment.
Pam: Great. Well, Let me know if you need a new chair, or anything that an Office Administrator can handle.
Gabe: Will do. Can I get ... one of those name plates that says Gabe Lewis?
Pam: Sure. Anything else?
Gabe: Nope.
Pam: I'll get it right away.

Quote from Michael Scott in The Deposition

Jan: I don't know, I just I never felt welcomed there, you know?
Michael Scott: That's-
Jan: It's such a boys' club.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I hate that. So here's the deal. I am on my way to New York to be deposed as part of Jan's wrongful termination lawsuit. The company fired her for having the courage to augment her boobs.
Jan: And they displayed a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behaviors.
Michael Scott: Yes, yes. Pat-tern. Patt-ern. My friend Pat took a turn. That's how I remember that. Could we pull over and put down the top? My- I'm feeling a little queasy.
Jan: No, I want it up. My hair. Remember, it's not just a pattern. It's a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behaviors.
Michael Scott: Disree. My friend Disree got new specs. Disree spect. My friend Inapro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.
Jan: Does this work for you?
Michael Scott: Yep!

Quote from Michael Scott in Night Out

Michael Scott: I thought about getting a tattoo on my back as well, at one point. I was thinking about getting Back to the Future. "Back" because it's on my back. And "future" because I'm the kind of guy who likes to look ahead into the future. I just think a tattoo should mean something. You know? And it's my second-favorite movie.
Young woman: I've never heard of that movie.
Michael Scott: Back to the Future?! Oh. Wow. Well, you should take a film education course.
Young woman: How old are you?
Michael Scott: 40... I'm in my 40s.

Quote from Michael Scott in Niagara

Michael Scott: [clinking glass] Hello. Hi, everybody. I promised I wasn't gonna make a toast and I'm not going to. Just going to do a little free standing comedy, and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to Pam and Jim, then so be it. [as Jerry Seinfeld] Hey, what is the deal with the Smart Car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny. Can you even drive them in traffic? [as nerd] "I'm so smart. E=mc... squared. I drive a Smart Car." That's not smart in my book. The real smart car is Kitt from Knight Rider.
Dwight K. Schrute: Knight Rider.
Michael Scott: That's a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: That's not smart. And also, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very smart.
Michael Scott: And... you... Everybody can laugh. It doesn't have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh.

Quote from Michael Scott in Fun Run

Michael Scott: Spend your whole life trying to get people to like you, and then you run over one person with your car. And it's not even one of the popular ones. Everybody gets on your case. Doesn't make any sense. God is dead.
Kelly: If there was a God, then Ryan and I would be married by now.
Michael Scott: Maybe believing in God was a mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe there's some sort of animal that we could make a sacrifice to. Like a giant buffalo. Or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret with the head of a meerkat. Or just the head of a monkey with the antlers of a reindeer. With the body of a porcupine.
Jim: I will do some research.

Quote from Michael Scott in The Job

David: So, let me ask you a question right off the bat, what do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?
Michael Scott: Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard, I care too much, and sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
David: Okay. And your strengths?
Michael Scott: Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths.
David: Oh. Yes. Very good.
Michael Scott: There you go.

Quote from Pam in Search Committee

Pam: Corporate needs you to find the differences between this picture and this picture. Intel has told us there were at least seven.
Creed: Okay. I already see one, gimme. Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: They're the same picture.

Quote from Michael Scott in Launch Party

Michael Scott: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?
Kevin: Wait. Alfredo's pizza cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?
Michael Scott: Same thing. [everyone groans] You know what, I don't understand when you all talk at the same time!
Kevin: Oscar, talk to him.
Oscar: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients and in overall taste. Which one did you order from?
Michael Scott: Pizza by Alfredo. [everyone groans] All right, you know what? Okay, okay. What is better, a medium amount of good pizza, or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?
All: A medium amount of good pizza.

Quote from Michael Scott in The Job

Jim: So I was wondering if Karen and I could get off a few hours early because we wanted to spend the night in the city.
Michael Scott: Why, so you can do it?
Jim: Whoops.
Michael Scott: No, well, I was thinking that, actually, we can all leave tomorrow and do a convoy, you know? Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger. Moon each other.
Jim: Uh. We're going to go tonight, but we're going to see you there tomorrow morning, right?
Michael Scott: All right. All right. Your loss.
Karen: Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving?
Michael Scott: Cruise control.
Karen: Oh.

Quote from Michael Scott in Product Recall

Michael Scott: Everybody in here, stat. No time to lose. Cri-man squa, F and C, double-time.
Dwight K. Schrute: "Cri-man squa"?
Michael Scott: Crisis management squad.
Ryan: "F and C, double-time"?
Michael Scott: Front and center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?
Jim: One more. Why are you talking like that?
Michael Scott: To save time, Jim.
Karen: Actually, I think you could make the argument that it wastes time.
Pam: Yeah, she has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it-

Quote from Andy in Traveling Salesmen / The Return

Michael Scott: Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.
Andy: Where are you going? Want me to come with? Listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football, Cornell, Hofstra. Slaughter. Then, quick nap at my place and we hit the tizzown.
Michael Scott: No. I don't wanna do any of that.
Andy: Duh. Which is why I was joking about doing it.
Michael Scott: No, just stop. Stop. Just stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.
Andy: Fine, I'll just go sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [ringtone starts again] Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little news flash. It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freaking un-funny! God! [punches his fist into the wall] That was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?
Pam: Yeah.
Andy: Sure? Okay.

Quote from Robert in Free Family Portrait Studio

Phyllis: So we're not gonna be a part of Sabre anymore?
David: Actually, nothing is gonna be a part of Sabre anymore. Jo Bennett's planning on liquidating the rest of the company.
Robert: Oof! [laughs] Wouldn't wanna be a Sabre employee right about now. [laughs] I'm actually the CEO.
David: Ah, I didn't realize you were standing there.
Robert: Hey, my friend, trust me. This is for the best. I never understood that corporate mess.
David: Well, okay. Great to meet you.
Robert: Likewise, I'm Bob. Bob Kazamakis.

Quote from Kelly in Lotto

Kelly: I think I would keep working. And for my salary I guess I would take like a dollar a year. I mean, obviously I wouldn't come in till noon and I wouldn't do anything I didn't wanna do. I mean, I'm getting paid a dollar a year, okay? You can chill.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Body Language

Dwight K. Schrute: Kelly is disqualified!
Gabe: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: You said the program is not open to Caucasians. Well... Anthropologically, she is Indian. Indians migrated from the caucuses region of Europe. Therefore, technically, she is Caucasian. You're welcome, America.
Gabe: Yeah, but she's not white, though.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, obviously, she is brownish. But come on, I mean, Darryl is far more ethnic.

Quote from Michael Scott in Mafia

Waitress: Have you decided?
Mr. Grotti: I'll have the linguine, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back.
Waitress: Okay, sir. And for you, sir?
Michael Scott: I will have the gabba-gool.
Waitress: The what?
Michael Scott: The gabba-gool.
Waitress: I don't- I don't really know what that is.
Andy: You know, gabba-gool.
Michael Scott: I don't have to have that.
Dwight K. Schrute: What he's trying to say is gabba-gool.
Waitress: I don't really think that we have that.
Michael Scott: That's okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Bring him the gabba-gool!
Michael Scott: I will have the spaghetti. With a side salad.
Waitress: Okay.
Michael Scott: If the salad is on top, I will send it back.

Quote from Kevin in Special Project

Kevin: Because I feel like that I'm in a place with my gambling rehab that I can finally start going to dog racing again. You know, just sitting, watching, enjoying the sport? Maybe putting down a few dollars if there's like a crazy mismatch or something...
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Thank you Kevin, we'll let you know.
Andy: Thank you.
Kevin: When do we leave?
Andy: Thank you.

Quote from Darryl in Sex Ed

Darryl: We should schedule meetings, 'cause the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying?
Andy: No, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: I don't know what's got you upset but my advice is stop crying.
Andy: I'm not crying, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: Look, you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It's all about heart, and character. Be your best self.
Andy: Okay.
Darryl: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: I have no idea what his problem is. That's just my standard advice. It's good advice, right?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Delivery

Dwight K. Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jonas.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Worf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes you can.
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.