Michael Scott: But guys, I'm a victim here too, okay? People here have been saying that I'm a J. Crew model.
Angela: No. We heard that about Jim.
Michael Scott: Jim? No, no. I spread the rumor that somebody here was a J. Crew model, and I was referring to myself.
Angela: How is that a bad rumor?
Michael Scott: Because a lot of people think that models, even though they're very attractive, are somewhat vapid. It's set our industry back quite a bit.

Michael Scott: Am I the kind of person to misremember our relationship as something more than it ever was?
Jan: Michael Scott, you are here for a post mortem.
Michael Scott: What?
Jan: You wanna dig into our relationship, go over it, see what killed it. Okay, I'm in.

David: So, let me ask you a question right off the bat, what do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?
Michael Scott: Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard, I care too much, and sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
David: Okay. And your strengths?
Michael Scott: Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths.
David: Oh. Yes. Very good.
Michael Scott: There you go.

Dwight K. Schrute: [wagging tongue for voice exercises] blah blah blah. Greta the tittle-tattle prattled on about the little metal bottle. She spat a bit of spittle on the moth that bit the cattle in a bitter battle. Hey, hey! Stop questioning my methods, okay? I was chosen for this task for a very good reason.
Jim: No, you chose yourself.
Dwight K. Schrute: Tricky Siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit....

Michael Scott: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?
Kevin: Wait. Alfredo's pizza cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?
Michael Scott: Same thing. [everyone groans] You know what, I don't understand when you all talk at the same time!
Kevin: Oscar, talk to him.
Oscar: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients and in overall taste. Which one did you order from?
Michael Scott: Pizza by Alfredo. [everyone groans] All right, you know what? Okay, okay. What is better, a medium amount of good pizza, or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?
All: A medium amount of good pizza.

Diane Kelly: Mr. Scott, this is a copy of a particularly negative performance review. Would you mind reading the date on that, please?
Michael Scott: March 17th.
Diane Kelly: And that would be a month after your relationship became official. Is that correct?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Diane Kelly: You may read the highlighted portion out loud, if you'd like to.
Michael Scott: "I'm out of carrots. I'm out of sticks. Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable employee and a poor branch manager. I recommend he be removed from that position and reassigned to sales, where he belongs."
Diane Kelly: After hearing that, wouldn't you say that Ms. Levinson's judgment is at least very seriously flawed? Mr. Scott?

Darryl: "I got too much ice cream. You want some?" "Gettin' my fry on."
Kelly: Boring.
Darryl: Uh, "The moon is huge tonight."
Phyllis: Ooh, gosh, the moon one's damning. Yeah, sorry.
Darryl: That's regular text talk.
Brandon: You forgot one.
Darryl: "You're such a great friend."
Brandon: With the dots.
Darryl: "You're such a great friend, dot dot dot dot dot."
Kelly: Five dots, Darryl, are you kidding me? Okay, 'cause three dots means "to be continued", four dots is a typo, but five dots means "Whoa, do not make me say what I want to say, baby, but if I did, it would blow your mind, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot."

Dwight K. Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jonas.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Worf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes you can.
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.

Oscar: This is a lot of credit card debt.
Michael Scott: Yeah, tell me about it. You know, Jan has my credit cards and she's using 'em as if I'm made of money. She thinks I'm a human ATM machine.
Oscar: Okay. $125, Amazon.
Michael Scott: Oh, Best of the Muppet Show on DVD. Classic.
Oscar: $1200. What's a "Core-Blaster Extreme"?
Michael Scott: That is by far, the best way to strengthen your core. This machine- You sit on a stabilizer ball. You put your feet into the power stirrups, you reach up and you grab onto the super rod. And you twist and you twist and you twist. It strengthens your entire core. Your back core, your arm core, your- The Marine Corps actually uses it. I think that's how they got "corps."

Michael Scott: Spend your whole life trying to get people to like you, and then you run over one person with your car. And it's not even one of the popular ones. Everybody gets on your case. Doesn't make any sense. God is dead.
Kelly: If there was a God, then Ryan and I would be married by now.
Michael Scott: Maybe believing in God was a mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe there's some sort of animal that we could make a sacrifice to. Like a giant buffalo. Or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret with the head of a meerkat. Or just the head of a monkey with the antlers of a reindeer. With the body of a porcupine.
Jim: I will do some research.

Michael Scott: Everybody in here, stat. No time to lose. Cri-man squa, F and C, double-time.
Dwight K. Schrute: "Cri-man squa"?
Michael Scott: Crisis management squad.
Ryan: "F and C, double-time"?
Michael Scott: Front and center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?
Jim: One more. Why are you talking like that?
Michael Scott: To save time, Jim.
Karen: Actually, I think you could make the argument that it wastes time.
Pam: Yeah, she has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it-

Darryl: Hey, hey. They're back.
Kelly: Dwight, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in Florida?
Jim: Yeah, the crazy thing about that is, um... Wow, you look great. Did you lose some weight?
Kelly: Thank you, for someone who actually notices this. No, I didn't lose weight. But I started using my makeup to contour my face to look skinnier. I actually put on five pounds.

Jo: Whose is this? Darryl Philbin. Oh. Very nice to see a familiar face on top. Ah... A little long aren't we? Four pages? Is this the same Darryl Philbin who's had two jobs in ten years at one company?
Darryl: Yes, thanks to you, who promoted me, after we, uh, interfaced.
Jo: "Coordinated and implemented receipt storage and delivery of over 2.5 billion units of inventory." 2.5 billion, Darryl? 2.5 billion units of what?
Darryl: Paper material, ma'am.
Jo: Paper material?
Darryl: [softly] Pieces of paper.

Michael Scott: [clinking glass] Hello. Hi, everybody. I promised I wasn't gonna make a toast and I'm not going to. Just going to do a little free standing comedy, and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to Pam and Jim, then so be it. [as Jerry Seinfeld] Hey, what is the deal with the Smart Car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny. Can you even drive them in traffic? [as nerd] "I'm so smart. E=mc... squared. I drive a Smart Car." That's not smart in my book. The real smart car is Kitt from Knight Rider.
Dwight K. Schrute: Knight Rider.
Michael Scott: That's a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: That's not smart. And also, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very smart.
Michael Scott: And... you... Everybody can laugh. It doesn't have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh.

Michael Scott: Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.
Andy: Where are you going? Want me to come with? Listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football, Cornell, Hofstra. Slaughter. Then, quick nap at my place and we hit the tizzown.
Michael Scott: No. I don't wanna do any of that.
Andy: Duh. Which is why I was joking about doing it.
Michael Scott: No, just stop. Stop. Just stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.
Andy: Fine, I'll just go sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [ringtone starts again] Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little news flash. It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freaking un-funny! God! [punches his fist into the wall] That was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?
Pam: Yeah.
Andy: Sure? Okay.

Nellie: May I say one thing?
Andy: It would be rude of me not to let you say whatever's on your mind.
Nellie: The quality of mercy is not strained.
Andy: No.
Nellie: It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath.
Andy: Do not bring Shakespeare into this. How dare you play the bard card?
Nellie: It blesseth he who gives and he who takes. 'Tis mightiest in the mightiest.

Dwight K. Schrute: I want that vice-presidency.
Jim: You haven't done any of the research.
Dwight K. Schrute: "You're too slow, you're too small, Seabiscuit is a stupid name." You guys sound just like the enemies of Seabiscuit. I'm going to do it.

Gabe: Okay, I-I am, I'm almost a little concerned that you might be overqualified for the position. [Robert and Gabe chuckle at this] Do you, um, do you think that you are?
Robert: Do I look like someone who would waste my own time?
Gabe: No. [Robert then nods his head at Jim]
Jim: Can you... [clears throat] You are a man of great confidence. Could you speak a little more to that, and, what the role of confidence... would be... in a dialogue with a subordinate?
Robert: Will you be heard? Will you have a voice? Will I steamroll over you? Do you feel heard right now, Jim? Do you have a voice, right now? ... You can answer me.
Jim: Yes.
Robert: That was your choice, not mine. The fallacy is that it is up to the steamroller. It is up to the object... whether it will be flattened or not, and I can tell from the small interaction we've had already, you won't be flattened by anybody. Do you agree with me, Jim?
Jim: Yes.
Robert: Yes! You do.

Darryl: We should schedule meetings, 'cause the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying?
Andy: No, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: I don't know what's got you upset but my advice is stop crying.
Andy: I'm not crying, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: Look, you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It's all about heart, and character. Be your best self.
Andy: Okay.
Darryl: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: I have no idea what his problem is. That's just my standard advice. It's good advice, right?

Andy: [singing] Where are you? Dean Trophies. Suite 100. Sherman Blinds and Rugs. Suite 202.
Pam: Here it is. [Andy is still singing] 401.
Andy: Yeah. I was gonna sing that part.
Pam: I know. Now you don't have to.
Andy: Except it was going to resolve the melody, so now my head hurts. Feels like I held in a sneeze. Mmm! I hate this feeling. [sings] Suite 401.