Trending ‘The Office’ Quotes
Michael Scott: Okay, I have an announcement.
Oscar: You pushed Darryl out the window?
Phyllis: You shot Dwight?
Michael Scott: No. No, that is not funny. I love my employees. Even though I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look, I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off of this unavoidable tragedy and on to more positive things. So I thought we should plant a tree.
Jim: Oh, good, so we don't have to work.
Pam: We're leaving for the hospital at 1:00.
Michael Scott: So, like, a freedom tree.
Pam: I can take 3 people.
Jim: I can also take 3 people.
Oscar: [to Kevin] Separate cars.
Michael Scott: Pam?
Pam: Alright, I will get a card at the hospital and we'll sign it outside her room.
Michael Scott: Pam.
Pam: Sales people can go later in the day. Hourly workers can go at lunch.
Michael Scott: Okay, good, good. So we'll just all go down there together at lunch. Excellent.
Pam: I was thinking-
Michael Scott: Good work, Pam.
Pam: But if you-
Michael Scott: Yaay, Pam!
Val: Hey. I just wanted to apologize. I mean, that was so weird. Can we just, like, never talk about it again?
Val: Okay, thanks.
Darryl: Hey, just so you know, me and you, I don't think that's ridiculous. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.
Michael Scott: And I also built this table.
Jim: What is that, chestnut?
Michael Scott: No, it's either pine of Nordic cherry.
Jan: It's pine.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Jim: I'm just terrible at this stuff, so that's cool.
Pam: Yeah. Yeah, he tried to set up my Tivo for me, but then I didn't have audio for a week.
Michael Scott: If you ever need any help, I'm just a phone call away.
Jan: I bet you are.
Michael Scott: Body image. We are here because there is something wrong with society.
Jim: See, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, but maybe there's something's wrong with you.
Michael Scott: If it's me, then society made me that way. Now, I know a lot of you are probably asking yourself, "Why are you dressed in a plus-size suit?"
Kevin: Because you're kind of doing Michael Klump.
Michael Scott: How do you know Michael Klump?
Oscar: Because it's your "making fun of fat people" character.
Michael Scott: How dare you! Michael Klump is a celebration of fat people.
Oscar: I think of him as more like a monster. What about, "I say, I say, I say, I sit on you"?
Dwight K. Schrute: No. It goes "I say, I say, I say, I sit on you!"
Michael Scott: No, no! You know what? Fat people, are not monsters. Why don't you guys have a little more sensitivity to the subject? Bang! Boom! Case in point. Look at the outside of this building. It is ugly. But you come inside, and it is beautiful. Just like this unappealing fat suit. Inside is a rather handsome, sexy, man.
Dwight K. Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jonas.
Dwight K. Schrute: Warf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes you can.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.
Erin: [over intercom] The tea in Nepal is very hot.
Dwight K. Schrute: But the coffee in Peru is far hotter.
Dwight K. Schrute: This is Tuesday, right? The coffee in Paraguay is far hotter?
Dwight K. Schrute: The coffee in Paraguay is colder?
Erin: No, I meant you're getting colder. The correct response is, "the coffee in Peru is much hotter."
Dwight K. Schrute: Ah, much, okay.
Erin: But, that's three wrong, so I gotta give you the steam. [Dwight begins to protest] Unless you want me to break protocol?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no. Give me the steam.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: It's just harmless steam to panic intruders. I'd like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd.
Dwight K. Schrute: You seem tense. Hey, you want me to give you the chills?
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: There's an egg on your head and the yolk is running down, the yolk is running down...
Michael Scott: [sighs] Feels good.
Dwight K. Schrute: There's a knife in your back and the blood is gushing down...
Michael Scott: I'm sleeping with Pam's mom. Sometimes, dinner.
Dwight K. Schrute: The blood is gushing down, the blood is gushing down... You know, I really would have appreciated a heads-up that you were into dating mothers. I would have introduced you to mine.
Michael Scott: But guys, I'm a victim here too, okay? People here have been saying that I'm a J. Crew model.
Angela: No. We heard that about Jim.
Michael Scott: Jim? No, no. I spread the rumor that somebody here was a J. Crew model, and I was referring to myself.
Angela: How is that a bad rumor?
Michael Scott: Because a lot of people think that models, even though they're very attractive, are somewhat vapid. It's set our industry back quite a bit.
Michael Scott: Starting today, teasing will not be allowed.
Kelly: You mean there's no teasing of any kind.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Just things that are on the list. That is the beauty of it. Okay. Who else? Who else? Dwight, come on.
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't want people making fun of my nose.
Michael Scott: Your nose?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's too small.
Michael Scott: [smoking a cigar] There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles, and find true love. And that is what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today. I think I'm going to be sick.
Andy: Drink less caffeine. That's a good one, Pam. Here's mine.
Pam: Learn to cook for one!
Andy: Yeah. I love cooking, but I always find myself throwing out half the food that I prepare, so... two years is time to just start preparing the right amount of food for the right number of people, which is one.
Pam: Well, maybe you'll meet someone.
Andy: No, some people don't just meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It's not a party at all. It's just sad.
Michael Scott: [to Angela] You don't want anything? My treat. Some panties, or- Like, a thong or G- string, T-back? Get a nice bra. Padded bra. See-through? Push-up? Lace? Thigh-high? Bustier? Anything. It's just- You know what? I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear.
Ryan: Psychiatrists tend to be more crazy than their patients. Therapists are whores. Psychiatry is a narcissism machine. I learn more from Dr. Seuss than from Dr. Freud. Earth: you don't have to be crazy to live here, but it helps. I don't know. Just use the best one.
David: Hi, everyone.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hi.
David: Look, it's no secret-
David: Hello. Uh, it is no secret that Michael Scott has siphoned off a large chunk of our core business. And I'm here and I just want to reassure everyone that we think this is just a temporary setback.
Phyllis: Maybe, and I don't know, if you had just returned Michael's call, none of us would've lost clients.
David: I've been wondering that myself lately.
Kevin: Never trust a cookie with a woman's name. Pecan Sandy. Lorna Doone. Madeline. They'll just break your heart.
Robert: [laughing] Kevin!
Hannah: Tony was right. This environment is dysfunctional.
Angela: Well, maybe that's because some people treat it like their own private Hooters strip club.
Michael Scott: Whoa, Angela, hold on. Hooters is a restaurant with over 400 locations worldwide.
Gabe: What kind of music are you into, Peter?
Pete: Uh, I like all kinds of music, Gabe.
Gabe: Really? All kinds? So you like songs of hate written by the white knights of the Ku Klux Klan?
Gabe: Erin, are you even hearing this?
Erin: Gabe, he didn't even say that.
Phyllis: Ho ho ho! For Stanley! Ho ho ho! You've been very good this year -
Stanley: I have.
Michael Scott: [on microphone] Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible people. What'd you get?
Kevin: He got scented candles!
Michael Scott: [on microphone] Oh, that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockey sticks. You're going to Hell, Stanley.
Oscar: This is a lot of credit card debt.
Michael Scott: Yeah, tell about it. You know, Jan has my credit cards and she's using 'em as if I'm made of money. She thinks I'm a human ATM machine.
Oscar: Okay. $125, Amazon.
Michael Scott: Oh, Best of the Muppet Show on DVD. Classic.
Oscar: $1200. What's a "Core-Blaster Extreme"?
Michael Scott: That is by far, the best way to strengthen your core. This machine- You sit on a stabilizer ball. You put your feet into the power stirrups, you reach up and you grab onto the super rod. And you twist and you twist and you twist. It strengthens your entire core. Your back core, your arm core, your- The Marine Corps actually uses it. I think that's how they got "corps."
Michael Scott: Come on. Shout 'em out, shout 'em out.
Andy: Walk around apple orchards.
Michael Scott: Oh!
Andy: Super romantic.
Michael Scott: That's fun.
Dwight K. Schrute: Eel fishing.
Michael Scott: All right.
Darryl: Curl up with your favorite DVD.
Meredith: You and Donna should hit the Poconos. They have heart-shaped Jacuzzis. Room enough for three.
Michael Scott: We actually went to the Poconos last Tuesday. We headed up there, we went to a little Chinese bistro. Um, P.F. Chang's.
Kelly: Wait, why would you go all the way to the Poconos to P.F. Chang's when we have the Great Wall in Scranton.
Michael Scott: Because when your super-hot girlfriend says, "I wanna go to Mount Pocono," you go to Mount Pocono and you do her. And we screwed. Whoops. TMI.