Trending ‘The Office’ Quotes

Quote from Robert in Turf War

[After Robert vomits in the trash can by Jim's desk]
Jim: Robert?
Oscar: Why did Binghamton close?
Robert: Can everyone just, please... I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and – how should I say this – Colombian whites. What- What is this about, uh, Binghamton?
Kevin: The branch closed. Forever.
[aside to camera:]
Robert: Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today. Or, I guess, last night. But, in vino veritas, as they say. I'm not gonna start doubting my drunken self now.

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Quote from Darryl in Sex Ed

Darryl: We should schedule meetings, 'cause the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying?
Andy: No, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: I don't know what's got you upset but my advice is stop crying.
Andy: I'm not crying, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: Look, you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It's all about heart, and character. Be your best self.
Andy: Okay.
Darryl: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: I have no idea what his problem is. That's just my standard advice. It's good advice, right?

Quote from Andy in Traveling Salesmen / The Return

Michael Scott: Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.
Andy: Where are you going? Want me to come with? Listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football, Cornell, Hofstra. Slaughter. Then, quick nap at my place and we hit the tizzown.
Michael Scott: No. I don't wanna do any of that.
Andy: Duh. Which is why I was joking about doing it.
Michael Scott: No, just stop. Stop. Just stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.
Andy: Fine, I'll just go sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [ringtone starts again] Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little news flash. It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freaking un-funny! God! [punches his fist into the wall] That was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?
Pam: Yeah.
Andy: Sure? Okay.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Shareholder Meeting

Oscar: Not again.
Dwight K. Schrute: Bow down before Recyclops.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Five years ago, corporate said we had to start a recycling program for Earth Day so Dwight took the lead on that and introduced us to a very close friend of his named Recyclops.
[flashback:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Happy Earth Day, everyone. I'm Recyclops. Did you know that an old milk carton can be sawed in half and used as a planter?
Jim: [v.o.] The next year he really stepped things up.
[flashback:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Who has put a number seven plastic in a number four bin?
Jim: [v.o.] A year after that Recylcops really began to take shape.
[flashback:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Recylops will drown you in your over-watered lawns.
[to camera:]
Jim: Then tragedy struck Recyclops when his fictional planet was attacked by some other fictitious thing... I can't remember.
[flashback:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Recyclops will have his revenge.
Jim: [to camera:] I think this was also the year he renounced Earth Day and vowed to the destroy the planet he once loved.
[flashback:]
Pam: Oh my God, you guys, look. It's Recyclops.
Dwight K. Schrute: Recyclops destroys!
Stanley: Oh, is today Recyclops Day?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Stanley: I thought you were killed by Polluticorn.
Dwight K. Schrute: Polluticorn wishes. [starts spraying the office with something]
Andy: That's aerosol spray. It's terrible for the environment.
Dwight K. Schrute: Humans are terrible for the environment.

Quote from Darryl in Search Committee

Jo: Whose is this? Darryl Philbin. Oh. Very nice to see a familiar face on top. Ah... A little long aren't we? Four pages? Is this the same Darryl Philbin who's had two jobs in ten years at one company?
Darryl: Yes, thanks to you, who promoted me, after we, uh, interfaced.
Jo: "Coordinated and implemented receipt storage and delivery of over 2.5 billion units of inventory." 2.5 billion, Darryl? 2.5 billion units of what?
Darryl: Paper material, ma'am.
Jo: Paper material?
Darryl: [softly] Pieces of paper.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Delivery

Dwight K. Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jonas.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Warf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes you can.
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.

Quote from Ryan in Michael's Last Dundies

Michael Scott: FYI, tonight we will be hosting at Louie Volpies!
Kevin: Nice.
Phyllis: I love their bread sticks.
Pam: Oh, their bread sticks are like crack.
Ryan: I love when people say "like crack" when they've obviously never done crack.
Pam: Well, the bread sticks are like what then, Ryan? What can I use?
Ryan: I don't know. Something from your world. The breadsticks are like scrapbooking.
Pam: You're right, you're right. No, I'm a middle class fraud.

Quote from Darryl in Garden Party

Darryl: I think if I had parents like that I'd be trying to convince everyone all the time how great I was, too.
Oscar: Guess we found Andy's rosebud.
Darryl: Rosebud?
Oscar: It's a reference to Citizen Kane. Something that explains why a person became the way they are.
Darryl: I know Citizen Kane. Rosebud didn't explain why he was how he was. It just represented what was important to him as a child, that he missed.
Oscar: Different school of thought. Let's just agree to disagree.
Darryl: No, you're wrong.

Quote from Michael Scott in Cocktails

Michael Scott: Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad. But I just picked it up at the supermarket. It's funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. It's just potatoes and mayonnaise. There's something wrong with Jan.

Quote from Michael Scott in The Delivery

Michael Scott: [smoking a cigar] There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles, and find true love. And that is what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today. I think I'm going to be sick.

Quote from Michael Scott in Michael's Last Dundies

Michael Scott: Which moves us to, Best Mom Dundie. I guess we all kinda consider her a mom around the office, Meredith Palmer!
Meredith: [jogs up and kisses Michael] Tell ya one thing, I'm not gonna be a good mom tonight. Whoo!

Quote from Stanley in Take Your Daughter to Work Day

Stanley: That little girl is a child! I don't wanna see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon. Do you understand?
Ryan: Yes, sir.
Stanley: Boy, have you lost your mind?
Ryan: No.
Stanley: 'Cause I'll help you find it. What you looking for? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there. Jesus can come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child.

Quote from Michael Scott in Money

Oscar: This is a lot of credit card debt.
Michael Scott: Yeah, tell about it. You know, Jan has my credit cards and she's using 'em as if I'm made of money. She thinks I'm a human ATM machine.
Oscar: Okay. $125, Amazon.
Michael Scott: Oh, Best of the Muppet Show on DVD. Classic.
Oscar: $1200. What's a "Core-Blaster Extreme"?
Michael Scott: That is by far, the best way to strengthen your core. This machine- You sit on a stabilizer ball. You put your feet into the power stirrups, you reach up and you grab onto the super rod. And you twist and you twist and you twist. It strengthens your entire core. Your back core, your arm core, your- The Marine Corps actually uses it. I think that's how they got "corps."

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Delivery

Isabel: Hello? Dwight? What, what are you doing here?
Dwight K. Schrute: Isabel. Hello... Yeah, the uh, kitchen was disgusting, so...
Isabel: Wow, ha. New cabinets.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yup.
Isabel: All I did was bring macaroni and cheese. Where's the fridge?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, it's in the backyard. I'll take this.
Isabel: Oh. Well, I'll let you get back to it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, listen. I know that I'm an adult, but maybe I could come by sometime for a teeth cleaning. You know, just for fun.
Isabel: Well, adults are supposed to go to the dentist, too.
Dwight K. Schrute: Are they now? Ha ha. How some people spend their money, right? Ha ha.
Isabel: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Alright. I'll call you, kid.
Isabel: Do that.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Job

Dwight K. Schrute: Once I am officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.

Quote from Michael Scott in Money

Michael Scott: Okay, here's the thing about Die Hard 4. Die Hard 1, the original, John McClain is just this normal guy, you know? He's just a normal New York city cop who gets his feet cut, he gets beat up. But he's an everyday guy. In Die Hard 4, he is jumping a motorcycle into a helicopter in the air. You know? He's invincible. It's just sort of lost from Die Hard 1. It's not Terminator.

Quote from Ryan in Business Ethics

Ryan: Okay, elephant in the room. Let's talk about it. Do I regret what I did? Of course I do. Even though it was an amazing ride, and I'll give you an example. Anyone see Survivor, season 6? Anyone know Joanna on that show? In New York city, I hooked up with a girl who looked exactly like that. Indistinguishable, so...
Michael Scott: Well done. Good speech, Ryan. You're a good guy.

Quote from Michael Scott in The Manager and the Salesman

Jo: I think one of you should return to sales, and the other one be manager.
Michael Scott: I humbly accept the management position.
Jim: I- Why would you just say something like that?
Michael Scott: Because, well, Jim. Where I'm from, there's two types of folk: those who ain't, and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Ya'll come back now.
Jim: Do you even know what that means?
Michael Scott: Yes.

Quote from Jo in St. Patrick's Day

Michael Scott: Hey there. So I think I'm done. Gonna head out. Unless you want to chat. Like we were doing earlier.
Jo: Well there's chatting time and there's working time. I'm still on working time.
Michael Scott: Mm? Well, the clock says chatting time, so.
Jo: Well, if you feel like you've done a solid days work...
Michael Scott: Right. What?
Jo: Well, I mean, if you can put your name on this day, and be proud of the amount of work you've done, then, by all means, you should toodle on home.

Quote from Pam in Initiation

Pam: So, okay, I'm watching the movie, by myself.
Jim: Right.
Pam: Because I just wanted a relaxing evening at home.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: And I'm freaking out.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: That movie is so scary.
Jim: I know.
Pam: But I'm holding on because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up.
Jim: No way! How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?
Pam: Because I got it at Blockbuster and they don't put the pictures on the box.
Jim: No, you're making this up.
Pam: Would I make that up?
Jim: Yes. Fancy new Beesly would make that up. New apartment, new stories...