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‘The Target’ Quotes

The Office: The Target

908. The Target

Aired November 29, 2012

Angela seeks Dwight's help to get revenge on Oscar for his affair with her husband. Meanwhile, Jim asks Phyllis and Stanley to cover for him so he can devote more energy to the new business venture, and Pete cheers up the office by building a tower of complaint cards.

Quote from Darryl

Pete: Nicely done. Very nicely done. All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket dialing a customer while having sex.
Nellie: Oh, you salty dog.
Darryl: Well, yeah, what can I say, a player's gotta play.
Pete: There you go.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti. But I'm gonna let them think the other thing.

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Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out [glances behind] that I'm having an affair with her husband. So I just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if she's cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it's business as usual.

Quote from Pam

Pam: If you're an artist, you have to be okay with the idea that you can't please everybody all the time.
Hide: You paint very bad!
Pam: Shut up, Hide! I mean, do you think Kevin cares what people think about him? Or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh, these are my role models now. You know what? I'm okay with that.

Quote from Pete

Pete: One of my jobs is to input customer complaints into the computer. And when they're in, I fill out one of these cards. But the information's already on the computer, so why am I filling out the card? I asked Andy, and he told me to "chillax," and then went away on a big, long boat ride. So here we are. Don't give me a pointless office chore, because I will build a little paper house. Fight the power.

Quote from Meredith

Pam: I could get us a complaint.
Meredith: You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn't fart on a butterfly.
Pam: No, I wouldn't. I can't even relate to that impulse. But I bet I could get us a customer complaint. I'd like to try.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: There's no time to explain. [descending stairs] Okay, actually, there is time to explain. When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your knee caps.
Oscar: Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?
Dwight K. Schrute: What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area, and you choose the man who's the father of her child?
Oscar: I don't know what you're talking about.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, don't lie. I'm trying to save those precious knees you're always bragging about. Now, let's get out of here. He could be right behind us.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Good morning. [clears throat]
Angela: Oscar? [sighs] Can I ask you a question?
Oscar: [soflty] Of course, ask me a que- questions.
Angela: Is it cool in here to you?
Oscar: [hoarsely] Yes, a little bit. [normal voice] Yes.
Angela: I think the thermostat is acting up again.
Oscar: It's the stupid thermostat! That thing is a catastrophe. So I'm gonna, um, on your suggestion, get someone to fix it. I'll just go downstairs.
Angela: Thank you.
Oscar: No, thank you, Angela.
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: She doesn't know. I shouldn't be surprised. This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual. [Angela appears in the window behind Oscar, giving him evils, while holding a long pair of scissors] Basically, she has her head in the sand. In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess the universe rewards true love.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: [seeing Dwight naked] Ugh!
Dwight K. Schrute: Come on in, the water's fine.
Angela: Dwight, it's not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know. That's not why I'm naked. I always work out without my clothes. [does jumping jacks]
Angela: Just put them on! Put on your clothes.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Make it go taller.
Pete: That's the idea.
Kevin: No, not taller this way, taller this way.
Pete: Well, I've gotta build a wider base first before I can go higher.
Kevin: You're not getting this, Peter. Make it go wider... up!
Pete: Will do.

Quote from Kevin

Darryl: [entering] What are y'all doing?
Kevin: Me and Pete are building a tower.
Darryl: Cool. It should be taller though, right?
Kevin: Obviously. He's a sweet kid, Darryl. But he's not the sharpest guy in the drawer.
Pete: Kevin, I can hear you.
Kevin: Huh?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Trevor: Is it safe to talk?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past nine years, but I don't see them so I think we're good.
Angela: So, what are your credentials?
Trevor: I started following people around to get exercise. Turns out, I'm damn good at it.
Angela: Do you have a gun?
Dwight K. Schrute: [snickers] Does he own a gun? Show her.
Trevor: You tell me.
Angela: What is this?
Trevor: It's the receipt for my gun.
Angela: You don't carry it with you?
Trevor: Read the receipt. That's a $300 gun. Someone could steal it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you have any idea how many guns Trevor's had stolen from him?
Trevor: Now I keep it in a safe.
Dwight K. Schrute: Mm-hmm. Good safe?
Trevor: Oh, you tell me. [shows Dwight receipt]
Dwight K. Schrute: Wow!

Quote from Pam

Pam: I guess if I make a mistake, I can just paint over it with a shrub or something. It's just, I think less of paintings with a lot of shrubs. So, I'm gonna limit myself to one shrub.

Quote from Meredith

Pete: This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer, who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote, "sausage factory".

Quote from Creed

Pete: All right. Up next we got a whole lotta Creed.
Creed: Let's find out what I did.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You can't have someone murdered.
Angela: What if they deserved it?
Dwight K. Schrute: What did they do to you, Angela?
Angela: They're sleeping with my husband.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, monkey. Oh, I feel for you.
Trevor: This seems a little crazy.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. Crazy. Thank you.
Trevor: But I think I'm up for it.
Dwight K. Schrute: No! No!
Angela: Thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. I've had great success by defecating in a paper bag, put it on the porch...
Trevor: That's very effective. I've been on the receiving end of that quite a few times. It's devastating.

Quote from Stanley

Jim: You know, truth be told, I think all you'll really be doing is accepting calls from my clients while I'm gone.
Stanley: We've got all afternoon to talk about that.
Waiter: Morning, folks.
Stanley: I'll have the surf and turf with a side order of lobster.
Waiter: Actually, the surf and turf does come with lob--
Stanley: Not enough lobster. Side order.
Phyllis: How much wine do you have?

Quote from Pete

Pete: Hey, hey, hey, it's just a mistake. Just a mistake. That's what this tower's all about, mistakes. Okay, if you're afraid of screwing up, the tower's not for you. Show of hands. Who here has never had a complaint? That's right. Nobody. See that? Nobody. Okay? Let's get back to work, huh? Come on, you in?
Kevin: Yeah.
Pete: There we go. All right, let's do it.

Quote from Phyllis

Jim: You know, at the end of the day, it's really only two days. I mean, I'll be back in the office. If you need me for an emergency, call me. I'll be there...
Phyllis: You know what? I don't know where the years went. ‘Cause sometimes when I look at my hands, I don't even recognize them.
Jim: Tell me about it.
Phyllis: Whose hands are these? [holding out her hands to Jim] They're not my hands. I don't know.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oscar? Oscar. Oscar, good. Listen! Hey, come with me.
Oscar: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: Come- Come with me.
Oscar: What are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers, drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. They're extraordinary.

Quote from Phyllis

Jim: Well, we're here. Perfect. [covers sleeping Phyllis with his jacket]
Phyllis: We're gonna cover for you, you know.
Stanley: [chuckles]
Jim: Phyllis, what was that? Phyllis are you dreaming, or-
Stanley: [laughing] I did enjoy grinding your beans, son.
Phyllis: [laughing] Yeah, we really did peel your grapes.
Jim: This is hilarious, but we're gonna stop with all the-
Stanley: Shuckin' your peas.
Jim: Shuckin' the peas. You should go back to the first part, though. You are gonna cover for me?
Stanley: Yeah.
Phyllis: Of course we are, Jimmy. We love you guys.
Jim: Oh, my God, thank you. [hugging both] Thank you.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted?
Toby: That is- That is a loaded question.
Angela: My pastor said it can come from breast feeding.
Toby: He said that?
Angela: Well, he didn't fight me hard on it.
Toby: I- I don't know if there's truth to- To, uh, to that.
Angela: What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet?
Toby: Uh... Uh...
Angela: Is it called red-vining?
Dwight K. Schrute: Is it called red-vining?
Toby: I don't...
Dwight K. Schrute: We heard it was called red-vining.
Angela: People red vine.
Dwight K. Schrute: Where are gay mens' vaginas?
Toby: They- They don't have vaginas.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Toby: No. They're just regular men.
Dwight K. Schrute: When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis?
Toby: Uh... Wow!


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