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‘Pilot’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

The Office: Pilot

101. Pilot

Aired March 24, 2005

A documentary crew visits Dunder Mifflin's Scranton branch as rumors circulate about a potential downsizing.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.


Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh.
It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, "Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow. Wow. ... Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I think I'm a role model here. I think I garner people's respect. The people I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Um... Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. Uh, and probably God, would be the fourth one. And I- I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's, um, really beyond words. It's really incalculable.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: I know there's some rumors out there and I just want to set the record straight.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first.
Michael Scott: Assistant to the Regional Manager.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate.
Jim: It's not on your desk.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard, right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second and probably an entertainer third.

Quote from Jim

[Dwight returns to his desk to find Jim has arranged a battalion of upward-facing pencils around the perimeter of his desk]
Dwight K. Schrute: You can't do that.
Jim: Why not?
Dwight K. Schrute: Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.
Jim: We'll see. See, this is why the whole downsizing thing doesn't bother me.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Introduce yourself. Be polite.
Dwight K. Schrute: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Michael Scott: Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, Dwight, tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything.
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, yeah, I've got a '78280Z. Bought it for $1,200. It's now worth three grand.
Michael Scott: That's his profit.
Dwight K. Schrute: I got a new engine, suspension, respray. I've got some photos. Uh. Damn it! Jim!
Michael Scott: OK. Hold on. Hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem?
Dwight K. Schrute: He put my stuff in Jell-O again. That's real professional, thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either, Jim.

Quote from Todd

Michael Scott: Todd Packer, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it?
Jan: Go ahead.
Michael Scott: Packman.
Todd: [on the phone] Hey, you big queen.
Michael Scott: Oh. That's not appropriate.
Todd: Is old Godzillary coming in today?
Michael Scott: I, uh- I don't know what you mean.
Todd: I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Michael Scott: Oh, my God! Oh! That's horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person.

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