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33Quotes from ‘Pilot’

The Office: Pilot

101. Pilot

Aired March 24, 2005

A documentary crew visits Dunder Mifflin's Scranton branch as rumors circulate about a potential downsizing.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh.
It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, "Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow. Wow. ... Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I think I'm a role model here. I think I garner people's respect. The people I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Um... Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. Uh, and probably God, would be the fourth one. And I- I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's, um, really beyond words. It's really incalculable.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: I know there's some rumors out there and I just want to set the record straight.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first.
Michael Scott: Assistant to the Regional Manager.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate.
Jim: It's not on your desk.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard, right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second and probably an entertainer third.

Quote from Jim

[Dwight returns to his desk to find Jim has arranged a battalion of upward-facing pencils around the perimeter of his desk]
Dwight K. Schrute: You can't do that.
Jim: Why not?
Dwight K. Schrute: Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.
Jim: We'll see. See, this is why the whole downsizing thing doesn't bother me.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Introduce yourself. Be polite.
Dwight K. Schrute: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Michael Scott: Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, Dwight, tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything.
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, yeah, I've got a '78280Z. Bought it for $1,200. It's now worth three grand.
Michael Scott: That's his profit.
Dwight K. Schrute: I got a new engine, suspension, respray. I've got some photos. Uh. Damn it! Jim!
Michael Scott: OK. Hold on. Hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem?
Dwight K. Schrute: He put my stuff in Jell-O again. That's real professional, thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either, Jim.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: All right, Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library?
Jim: I told you. I couldn't close it. So-
Michael Scott: So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper?
Jim: Actually, you called me in here, but, yeah.
Michael Scott: All right. Well, let me show you how it's done. [on the phone:] Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manager. [later:] All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I'm sorry. OK. I'm sorry. My mistake. That was a woman I was talking to. She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so. So that's the way it's done.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I've, er, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here, we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Corporate doesn't interfere with me. Jan Levitson Gould. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because- Well, not because I'm scared of her. 'cause I'm not. But, um, yeah.

Quote from Todd

Michael Scott: Todd Packer, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it?
Jan: Go ahead.
Michael Scott: Packman.
Todd: [on the phone] Hey, you big queen.
Michael Scott: Oh. That's not appropriate.
Todd: Is old Godzillary coming in today?
Michael Scott: I, uh- I don't know what you mean.
Todd: I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Michael Scott: Oh, my God! Oh! That's horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: It's okay here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That's sort of one of the rules.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: No, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out, because there are starving people in the world which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: All right, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah.
Michael Scott: And yeah, Jim this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.
Jim: Okay. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.
Michael Scott: [laughing] Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.
Ryan: You should've put him in custardy.
Michael Scott: Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all.
Michael Scott: Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: As you know, there is going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.
Pam: What? Why?
Michael Scott: Why? Well, theft and stealing.
Pam: Stealing? Um, what am I supposed to have stolen?
Michael Scott: Post-it Notes.
Pam: Post-it Notes? What are those worth, like, 50 cents?
Michael Scott: 50 cents. Yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-it Notes at 50 cents a piece, you know, you've made a profit... margin. You're gonna run us out of business, Pam.
Pam: Are you serious?
Michael Scott: Yeah. I am.
Pam: I can't believe this. I mean, I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and now you're firing me.
Michael Scott: The best thing about it is that we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct. And, uh, just clean out your desk. I'm sorry.
[Pam starts sobbing]
Michael Scott: You been X'd, punk! Surprise! It's a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. [Ryan shakes his head] And it was just kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you- God, we totally got you.
Pam: You're a jerk.
Michael Scott: I don't know about that.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beasley. Pam has been with us for forever. Right, Pam?
Pam: Well, I don't know.
Michael Scott: If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago.
Pam: What?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet.
Pam: You haven't told me.
Michael Scott: It's called the wastepaper basket! [laughs] Look at that. Look at that face.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: People say I am the best boss. They go, "God, we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious. And you get the best out of us." Um, I think that pretty much sums it up. [holding up "World's Best Boss" coffee mug] I found it at Spencer Gifts.

Quote from Jim

Jim: My job is to speak to clients on the phone about er, quantities and type of copier paper. You know, whether we can supply it to them. Whether they can pay for it. And I'm boring myself just talking about this.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Whassup!
Jim: Whassup! I still love that after seven years.
Michael Scott: Whassup!
Dwight K. Schrute: Whassup!
Michael Scott: Whass up!
Dwight K. Schrute: [softly] Whassup.
[Michael pants, flexes]
Michael Scott: What?
Jim: Nothing.
Michael Scott: OK. All right. See you later.
Jim: All right.
Michael Scott: Take care. Back to work.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: Was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?
Michael Scott: Umm... Me no get an agenda.
Jan: What? I'm sorry?
Michael Scott: I didn't get any agenda.
Jan: Well, I faxed one to you this morning.
Michael Scott: Really? I didn't... Did we get a fax this morning?
Pam: Uh, yeah, the one-
Michael Scott: Why isn't it in my hand? Because a company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So... Um, what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't I get it?
Pam: You put it in the garbage can that was the special filing cabinet.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Uh, that was a joke. That was a joke that was actually my brother's, and It was supposed to be with bills and it doesn't work well with faxes.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: I've spoken to Josh in Stamford and told him the same. It's up to you to convince me your branch can incorporate the other. But it does mean there'll be downsizing.
Michael Scott: Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Er, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing?

Quote from Kevin

Angela: I bet it's gonna be me. Probably gonna be me.
Kevin: Yeah, it'll be you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Ryan: Ryan Howard from the temp agency. Daniqua sent me to start today.
Michael Scott: Howard, like Moe Howard. Three Stooges. Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee! Right here. Three Stooges. High five. Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. I'm sort of a student of comedy. Watch this. Here we go. [ranting] I'm Hitler. Adolf Hitler. [ranting]

Quote from Pam

Pam: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go because then I might- I just don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist. Um, I like to do illustrations. Um, mostly watercolor. A few oil pencil. Um, Jim thinks they're good.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Right. This is so important, I should run to answer it. [slow-motion, exaggerated running]
Pam: What?
Michael Scott: Come on. Six Million Dollar Man. Steve Austin. Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan, I deserve a raise.
Pam: [chuckles] Don't we all?
Michael Scott: I'm sorry?
Pam: Nothing.
Michael Scott: If you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. Not today, OK? Pam, just be professional.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Do you want me to tell 'em?
Michael Scott: You don't know what it is.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, you tell 'em. With my permission.
Michael Scott: I don't need permission.
Dwight K. Schrute: Permission granted. Go ahead.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Oscar: Yeah, well, Michael, what if they downsize here?
Michael Scott: Not gonna happen.
Stanley: It could be out of your hands, Michael.
Michael Scott: It won't be out of my hands, Stanley, okay. I promise you that.
Stanley: Can you promise that?
Dwight K. Schrute: On his mother's grave.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I said if Corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me. Right? You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my children.

Quote from Pam

Jim: If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry.
[later:]
Pam: Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he's on to me.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Are you going to discipline him or not?
Michael Scott: Ooh, discipline. Kinky!


Episode 102