Michael Scott: Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

Michael Scott: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh.
It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, "Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow. Wow. ... Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.

Michael Scott: I think I'm a role model here. I think I garner people's respect. The people I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Um... Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. Uh, and probably God, would be the fourth one. And I- I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's, um, really beyond words. It's really incalculable.

Michael Scott: I know there's some rumors out there and I just want to set the record straight.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first.
Michael Scott: Assistant to the Regional Manager.

Jim: Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate.
Jim: It's not on your desk.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation.

Dwight K. Schrute: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.

Michael Scott: So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard, right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second and probably an entertainer third.

[Dwight returns to his desk to find Jim has arranged a battalion of upward-facing pencils around the perimeter of his desk]
Dwight K. Schrute: You can't do that.
Jim: Why not?
Dwight K. Schrute: Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.
Jim: We'll see. See, this is why the whole downsizing thing doesn't bother me.

Michael Scott: Introduce yourself. Be polite.
Dwight K. Schrute: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Michael Scott: Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, Dwight, tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything.
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, yeah, I've got a '78280Z. Bought it for $1,200. It's now worth three grand.
Michael Scott: That's his profit.
Dwight K. Schrute: I got a new engine, suspension, respray. I've got some photos. Uh. Damn it! Jim!
Michael Scott: OK. Hold on. Hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem?
Dwight K. Schrute: He put my stuff in Jell-O again. That's real professional, thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either, Jim.

Michael Scott: All right, Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library?
Jim: I told you. I couldn't close it. So-
Michael Scott: So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper?
Jim: Actually, you called me in here, but, yeah.
Michael Scott: All right. Well, let me show you how it's done. [on the phone:] Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manager. [later:] All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I'm sorry. OK. I'm sorry. My mistake. That was a woman I was talking to. She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so. So that's the way it's done.